


Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts I

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Humor, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format, Spoilers For Other Games In The Franchise, The Details Of Which I Will Probably Either Be Fuzzy On Or Forget Completely, apologies in advance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-03-06 10:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 118,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3130502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because why not. Contains an intense questioning of the logic of the Kingdom Hearts mythos, lots of comparisons of Disney movies to their original source material, and an unreasonable amount of Donald bashing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Dream Sequence Is Trippy As Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Been wanting to do this for about three years; let's give it a shot!
> 
>  **The Very Long List Of Crap I Do Not Own:** Random advertisements of makeup products, _Finding Nemo,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King,_ various Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu videos, the _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ Rifftrax, _Attack on Titan,_ Berserk Abridged, Dragonball Z Abridged, and anything created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~If you glance really quickly at the new KH 1.5 box without fully processing the image in your brain, it looks like Donald’s clutching Kairi’s leg. Awkward…~

 **Sora’s eyes:** *are closed*

 **Sora’s eyelashes:** *are gorgeous. Maybe he’s born with it; maybe it’s Maybelline*

 **Sora:** *opens his eyes and notices that he seems to be falling through space* I’ve been having these weird thoughts lately. Like is any of this for real or not? *looks down* These shoes sure as hell can’t be real, I know that much. And what’s with the floating words, are those real or just subtitles.

 **Simple and Clean PlanitB Remix:** *starts playing*

 **Sora:** Aw, I love this song. *closes eyes and listens to the beat* Wait, am I floating through space, or…No, those were bubbles. I appear to be drowning. This is probably a bad thing. *abruptly wakes up and is standing on a beach* Okay…

 **Riku:** I’m out in the water for some reason!

 **Sora:** You are? Sorry, can’t really see, sun’s in my eyes.

 **Riku:** Oh, sorry. See me now?

 **Sora:** Yeah, uh…What are you doing? And why are we suddenly on a beach?

 **Riku:** …‘Cause we live here?

 **Sora:** Oh, right— _that’s_ a wave.

 **Riku:** Yep. *turns around and stretches out his hand* Join me for a swim?

 **Sora:** Okay! WHEEEEEEE!

 **Wave:** *drowns them all horrible*

 **Sora:** *spins around underwater* Fucking undertoe…

 **Utada Hikaru:** *singing* _Don’t get me wrong, I love you…_

 **Sora:** Oh great. Me and Riku in the water and _that_ lyric plays. Spectacular.

 **Riku:** You seem to be having some trouble there, Sora. Need a hand?

 **Sora:** Yeah, that’d be nice—Ah man, now the current’s suddenly dragging me away! But not you. That is weird.

 **Riku:** Mm-hmm.

 **Sora:** *bursts through the surface* Did it take me all day to stop drowning, the sun’s already setting. *stands up*

 **Kairi:** ‘Sup, nerd!

 **Sora:** Oh hey! *waves and walks towards her*

 **Kairi:** You appeared to be drowning pretty badly there. And I think Riku’s dead, he’s been under for longer and hasn’t popped back up yet.

 **Sora:** Well that’s sad. *bends over with his hands on his knees* So when’s the funeral?

 **Kairi:** Probably soon…The hell is that?

 **Sora:** What? *looks behind him to see someone falling from the sky during a sudden meteor shower* Uh…

 **Kairi:** That looks like you even though if we’re going with what really happened that should probably be me or something.

 **Sora:** You’re probably right…Wait, is that _me?!_ Holy crap, it’s me! *suddenly falls over*

 **Kairi:** Are you about to fall into the water?

 **Sora:** …Eventually, once I fall out of the sky like I just did.

 **Kairi:** …This place is trippy as fuck.

 **Sun:** I AM BLINDING YOU.

 **Sora:** Oh good, now I’m blind and oxygen deprived. And now I’m drowning again. Hmm, I seem to be sinking really far down…Did I just land at the bottom? Wait, why can I breathe? This is…Am I dreaming, or… *takes a step, birds come flying out of the ground* OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON. HOW CAN THERE BE DOVES UNDERWATER.

 **Doves:** MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE. MINE—

 **Sora:** All right, we get it. And…Well, this is messed up, but it is kind of pretty…But I would like to know why I’m suddenly standing on a luminescent stain glass floor depicting Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

 **King Mickey:** So much to do, so little time.

 **Sora:** …Why did random words just appear over my head and how do we know Mickey’s the one talking to me.

 **Tetsuya Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama…kun:** It’s the King calling to Sora here. In the Dive To Heart, the King guides Sora through his dream, explaining the intentions of the adventure. When Sora acquires the Keyblade for the first time after this, and just before passing through the last door of The End of The World, Sora hears a voice reverberate in him that sounds like the King’s. It seems so that those around him can’t hear this voice, indicating the King’s speaking to Sora’s heart directly.

 **Sora:** …But _Riku’s_ the one who’s supposed to get the Keyblade, so why are you talking to me instead?

 **King Mickey:** ‘Cause his heart’s already starting to succumb to darkness, I guess. That or I sensed Ven or something. Iunno, I just went with the strong light possibly maybe. Now take your time. Don’t be afraid.

 **Sora:** I am standing in a dark place _underwater_ and somehow able to breathe, the only light is coming from the floor, and I’m hearing voices in my head. I am somewhat afraid here.

 **King Mickey:** The door is still shut.

 **Sora:** Was it made by those who are dead and do the dead keep it?

 **King Mickey:** Don’t be a smartass.

 **Sora:** Read some other parody then.

 **King Mickey:** *sighs* Everyone’s gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense. Now step forward. Can you do it?

 **Sora:** I do know how to walk, yes. *steps to the center of the floor, till he’s standing on Snow White’s navel, but when the cutscene happens he’s back at her knees again* And not only have I remembered how to walk, I’ve apparently just learned how to Apparate. Excellent.

 **Large silver square daises with weapons floating above them:** *spontaneously erupt from the floor*

 **King Mickey:** Power sleeps within you. If you give it form it will give you strength. Choose well.

 **Sora:** …I get to decide between a sword, a shield, and a sex toy?

 **King Mickey:** It’s a staff.

 **Sora:** Yeah, and that butt plug in France was a Christmas tree.

 **King Mickey:** Shut up and pick something.

 **Sora:** Do my choices actually matter, though, or is it just the illusion of choice?

 **King Mickey:** Actually, they do determine what order you learn abilities and which attributes you’ll end up favoring over the course of the game, so I would say your choices matter. If Indigo Prophecy was a game, this is what it’d be.

 **Sora:** M’kay. Weeeelll…I do like practicing fighting with swords with Riku…

 **Game:** Press O to jump.

 **Sora:** Ohhhhh, this is the tutorial. Okay, things make more sense now. *jumps up and picks up the sword*

 **King Mickey:** The power of the warrior. Invincible courage. A sword of terrible destruction. Is this the power you seek?

 **Sora:** …The destruction bit’s not really inspiring much confidence. But I would get an attack boost, it seems, hmm…Let’s see what the other two say… *picks up shield* Increased defense, right?

 **King Mickey:** The power of the guardian. Kindness to aid friends. A shield to repel all. Is this the power—

 **Sora:** _Hell_ no, if I chose this I’d barely be able to hit anything! Screw this! *throws Shield aside, sees Staff* …That has _got_ to be magic. And magic is awesome. I’ve been waiting my whole life for my Hogwarts letter and choosing this might be the closest I’m gonna get. *runs over to dais and grabs staff, looking up at the subtitles as they start going across the screen*

 **King Mickey:** The power of the mystic. Inner strength. A staff of wonder and ruin.

 **Sora:** *taps staff impatiently with fingers while still staring at the floating words*

 **King Mickey:** Is this the power you seek?

 **Sora:** Oh _fuck_ yes.

 **King Mickey:** Your path is set.

 **Sora:** *does a happy dance*

 **King Mickey:** Now, what will you give up in exchange?

 **Sora:** …Oh. Wow. Uh… *resist urge to grab strategy guide* Hmm…I am playing on Proud Mode…And while I do enjoy hitting things, I think it might also be best if I not die. I’m, uh…Imma give up the sword.

 **King Mickey:** …Really? Okay, pegged you for being more reckless than that—

 **Sora:** Oh you’re not wrong. In the sequel I’m going with the sword all the way, I just wanna play it safe for now. Just starting out with the series, you know.

 **King Mickey:** Which is why you’re playing _Proud_ Mode.

 **Sora:** Look, it worked fine on KH1 vanilla, I’m sure it’ll work out fine here.

 **King Mickey:** Yeah, sure, whatever. Now, I’m going to repeat what you just read about the sword—

 **Sora:** Get ON with it!

 **King Mickey:** You wanna get rid of it or not?!

 **Sora:** …Yes.

 **King Mickey:** Okay. Your funeral. You’ve chosen the power of the mystic. You’ve given up the power of the warrior. Is this the form you choose?

 **Sora:** Yes, please stop rubbing it in, I’m sure I’ll regret it enough on my own later.

 **King Mickey:** Indeed you will.

 **Daises:** *dissolve, shattering the floor beneath them*

 **Sora:** Good thing this is a dream or this glass might’ve pierced my innards. *falls into the darkness with the glass that he somehow manages to avoid; the glass dissolves and Sora heads to a stain glass Cinderella floor* I find it oddly grating that we don’t see any of these guys till Birth By Sleep. *lands on Cinderella’s dress and waits for more tutorial instructions*

 **Staff:** *appears in his hand in a flash of light*

 **Sora:** And now I’m blind again. Sure hope that’s not a recurring thing, I’m bound to get a headache real fast if it is… *presses X to attack*

 **King Mickey:** All right! You’ve got it.

 **Sora:** I. Have. Been practicing. With Riku. For years.

 **King Mickey:** Shut up and use this power to protect yourself and others.

 **Sora:** *through gritted teeth* Which I have, again, been doing for years!

 **Game instructions:** The green gauge displays—

 **Sora:** I’ve also been playing the vanilla version of this game for years and except for the music _violently hate this section now! GET ON WITH IT!_

 **Game instructions:** Don’t die or you’ll be taken to the Continue screen and you won’t get the trophy.

 **Sora:** I will if I soft reset or just return to the main menu.

 **Game instructions:** DO NOT SPEAK OF WHAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

 **Sora:** Oy vey…What the hell is that?

 **Shadow Heartless:** ‘Sup. *emerges from floor, gets joined by three or so more*

 **King Mickey:** There will be times you have to fight. Keep your light burning strong.

 **Sora:** The hell does that even mean. *bashes one to death* Hey cool, free health that I didn’t even lose.

 **Other Shadow Heartless:** *piss off*

 **Game instructions:** Leveling, item gathering, blah blah blah…

 **Shadow Heartless:** And now I’m sneaking up behind you so you can learn about locking onto enemies. Aren’t you thrilled?

 **Sora:** Yeah. Great. *hacks it to death, along with the four others that pop up*

 **Shadow Heartless:** Huh, when I sunk into the floor that last time, it suddenly turned evil and black. Weird, huh?

 **Cinderella:** My face appears to be dissolving.

 **Sora:** …Why am I sinking into a purple and black whirlpool of death? *sinks into a purple and black whirlpool of death; when he opens his eyes again, he’s flailing around on a new pink floor with three hearts in it, I _think_ showing off Sleeping Beauty or something* …Sure hope no one saw that. *sees a semi-transparent door and walks over to it*

 **King Mickey:** Oh would you quit strutting already?!

 **Sora:** What? It’s just the way I walk! Sometimes you gotta saunter!

 **King Mickey:** Only in this game. Thought they would’ve fixed that for the HD release, frankly. You’d look less arrogant that way. Then again, people have been mocking your overlarge shoes for years now and _clearly_ that’s not gonna change any time soon.

 **Sora:** What do you mean? What’s wrong with my feet?

 **King Mickey:** Well generally your foot is as long as your forearm. Looking at your shoes, either said shoes are a good five thousand sizes too big for your feet or you’ve got some kind of physical defect.

 **Sora:** Well, you know what they say about big feet!

 **King Mickey:** No I don’t, and who’s they?

 **Sora:** The people who make insinuations about there being some correlation between foot and genital size. Them. And you know what they say, right?

 **King Mickey:** They say—

 **Sora:** Yes! They say if your feet are big, then so, too, are your genitals! Hahaha, which is not true at all! Wonder why they say that?

 **King Mickey:** Why _who_ says that—

 **Sora:** The people who make insinuations—

 **Player:** CAN I just play the damn game?!

 **Sora:** …Yes. *walks over to door*

 **Game instructions:** THE FIELD ICON HAS BEEN CHANGED TO THE SHINY GREEN TRIANGLE CRAP FROM KHII! HOW HYPE IS THAT SHIT?!

 **Sora:** That shit is, indeed, pretty hype. Aaaand I can’t open a door that’s not actually there. *looks up*

 **Bright light appearing from above:** …How did you know to look up here when I didn’t even turn on yet.

 **Sora:** Iunno. Hey, is that treasure? Am I gonna learn how to unlock treasure chests?

 **Chest:** Yep! And you’ll be immensely frustrated when it only works sometimes!

 **Sora:** Hooray! *opens chest* …There’s nothing in here. What the fuck.

 **Box:** Move me.

 **Sora:** *bursts into song* _Come stop your crying, it’ll be all right—_

 **Box:** No, physically push me.

 **Sora:** OH, okay, sure, whatever. *pushes the box* And now I’M GONNA BREAK YOU!

 **Box:** I NEVER SAW AGRABAH! *is destroyed*

 **Sora:** Oooh, a Potion! No idea what kind of potion, of course, though it appears to heal you slightly…Maybe it’s Wiggenweld. Yeah, let’s go with Wiggenweld.

 **Doorway:** Whatever, I exist now.

 **Barrel:** And I am a thing.

 **Sora:** That’s cool. I like destroying things. *destroys thing*

 **Barrel:** I NEVER SAW ATLANTICA! *is a destroyed thing*

 **Sora:** We’re gonna run out of locations really quickly if we wanna use that old joke…

 **Door:** I am now filled in. You may open me.

 **Sora:** …Yep, that settles it: This _has_ to be a dream. Where else would destroying a box and a barrel in order to make a door corporeal make any kind of fucking sense whatsoever. *walks over to the door and examines it, then steps back for some reason*

 **Door:** I AM BLINDING YOU.

 **Sora:** Damn I should’ve brought some Advil…I do NOT want to waste my only Wiggenweld potion on this spontaneous headache…Also I know I shouldn’t go towards the light but I just wanna get out of here already. *goes through the door* …Selphie?! Why am I suddenly on the island?!

 **King Mickey:** Hold on. The door won’t open just yet.

 **Sora:** …But it _did_ open, I just walked through it.

 **King Mickey:** No, a more plot-relevant one that may or may not have been the one at the end of KHII, it’s unclear.

 **Sora:** Ah, okay then.

 **King Mickey:** First, tell me more about yourself.

 **Sora:** Aah, fuck, the questions that determine how quickly I level up. Really, I don’t see why anyone would want the slowest speed possible, but whatever. *quickly checks the vanilla strategy guide to get the fastest leveling speed possible* Okay, Selphie’s right in front of me so let’s do this.

 **Selphie:** What’s most important to you? Being number one, friendship, or my prized possessions?

 **Sora:** …Why would I give a crap about _your_ prized possessions? And being number one’d be nice, I could probably get Kairi’s attention better that way, but I still value Riku’s friendship and he might not take his loss of status well, so…Friendship, I guess.

 **Selphie:** Is friendship such a big deal?

 **Sora:** …Fine, see if I’m ever friends with _you_ again. Twat.

 **Selphie:** *stretches in a way that makes it look like she’s gonna fall off the rail to her death, which would be hilarious*

 **Sora:** *goes up to Wakka next*

 **Wakka:** What do you want outta life? To see rare sights, to broaden my horizons, or to be strong?

 **Sora:** Again, why should I care about _you_ broadening your own damn horizons? Do what you want, I don’t care. Erm…To be strong would be nice, I’d like to protect Kairi, but…the three of us have been working on a raft to get out and see a bunch of different worlds, so I guess I wanna see rare sights with them.

 **Wakka:** To see rare sights, ya?

 **Sora:** …Yes. I just said that.

 **Wakka:** *twirls blitzball*

 **Sora:** Well you’re useless. *goes up to the last and least person there*

 **Tidus:** What are you so afraid of? Getting old, being different, or being indecisive?

 **Sora:** …The game is becoming self-aware with that last option. Also look at my freaking outfit and hair and crap, I don’t think I mind being different too much. So…getting old, I guess.

 **Tidus:** Gettin’ old? Is that really so scary?

 **Sora:** Not exactly, but as you only gave me three choices and none of them included watching my loved ones die — or fire or spiders or being a failure and a disappointment to everyone — Imma stick with old people.

 **King Mickey:** You want friendship. You want to see rare sights. You’re afraid of getting old.

 **Sora:** …That actually makes a lot of sense. The older you get, the less time you have to see those rare sights and the more your friends’ll start dropping one by one.

 **King Mickey:** Your adventure begins at dawn. As long as the sun is shining, your journey should be a pleasant one.

 **Sora:** …The hell does that mean?

 **King Mickey:** It means you’ll be up to level three by the time you get out of here.

 **Sora:** Thank you, strategy guides!

 **King Mickey:** It also means you’ll start leveling up more and more slowly the higher you get, so you really should’ve decided to even it out.

 **Sora:** …Thank you, strategy guides. For leaving that part out. You worthless piece of garbage. *throws it away*

 **King Mickey:** The day you will open the door is both far off and very near. It will either happen two games from now or eight.

 **Bright light:** *takes over screen*

 **Sora:** Okay, seriously, enough with the bright light crap already—Okay where did those three douchebags just go, why am I no longer on the island, and why am I standing on Aurora. Also is it just me or is it kinda foggy beyond this point. Crap, we’re not doing Silent Hill again, are we? *steps into the light*

 **Game instructions:** I am now teaching you about the main menu! But you can’t use it during battles.

 **Sora:** Okay, sounds like a good thing to check out right now—

 **Shadow Heartless:** You can’t, it’s a fucking battle.

 **Sora:** I hate everything. *murders all of the Heartless but takes some damage in the process* Aaaand I thought this was a dream. So much for that. Ow. *regains health easily enough*

 **Save point:** *appears* Conglaturations, here’s a save point.

 **Sora:** I do enjoy me some save games. *saves*

 **Light:** *moves under the Aurora floor and morphs into a twisting stain glass staircase that leads to another stain glass floor area that you can actually see the green sides of it and it’s kind of insanely gorgeous*

 **Sora:** Oh cool, Belle. And another light shining in the center. What’s with this one?

 **King Mickey:** The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes.

 **Sora:** Would you quit it with the metaphors already?!

 **King Mickey:** This isn’t a metaphor, this is me telling you you’re gonna be fighting a giant boss Heartless. But don’t be afraid.

 **Sora:** Don’t be afraid?! My shadow just turned into a giant monster with a gaping hole in its chest that wants to kill me!

 **King Mickey:** Well, yeah, there is that, but don’t forget…Hey, don’t run away!

 **Sora:** There is nowhere to run, this shit’s got fucking invisible walls!

 **Darkside:** HAI GAIS! *punches the ground, creating a black and purple void where Shadows emerge*

 **Sora:** Hurg. *locks onto the wrist, slashing at it repeatedly and getting most of the Shadows by mere chance*

 **Darkside:** *pulls hand away*

 **Sora:** …Um…

 **Darkside:** *gets to its knees, stretching its arms out to its sides, blasting out beams of white and purple energy from the swirling purple vortex that suddenly appeared in its chest*

 **Sora:** Right, purple is synonymous with evil now, got it. *locks onto the wrist again while occasionally getting blasted by the purple energy* Ow my face.

 **Darkside:** *punches the ground again*

 **Sora:** Fuck this. *runs up the guy’s arm and bashes him in the face* FUCK YOU, TITAN!

 **Darkside:** OW MY EYE! I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET LARGE CHUNKS OF WHATEVER THIS STAFF IS MADE OF IN IT, MY DOCTOR SAID SO! *explodes*

 **Sora:** Sick. Hey, I really am level three right now, that’s awesome! Where did my staff just go!

 **Darkside:** *punches the ground again*

 **Sora:** *falls on his butt* Uhhh…Why am I sinking into another swirling vortex of terror?

 **Darkside:** Because of reasons.

 **King Mickey:** But don’t be afraid.

 **Sora:** I just wet myself, dude, little late and not the greatest advice. Also I am _literally being consumed by darkness right now,_ don’t tell me not to be afraid!

 **King Mickey:** You hold the mightiest weapon of all.

 **Sora:** If you say friendship I am going to rip off your tail and strangle you with it.

 **King Mickey:** Naw, man, I was talking about your eventual giant key of death, destruction, and chaos.

 **Sora:** Oh, well that’s okay then. Now how about the part where I’m sinking into an abyss with a giant about to fall on my ass.

 **King Mickey:** Don’t forget…

 **Sora:** I AM CURRENTLY DYING. HOW ABOUT SHUTTING UP AND HELPING ME.

 **King Mickey:** I _am_ helping you. By providing vague exposition. You are the one who will open the door.

 **Sora:** And now I am the dead. Bleh.

~Still probably the best tutorial level ever made in a game.~


	2. WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO LEAVE THIS TROPICAL PARADISE?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Surprisingly Short List Of Crap I Do Not Own:** Anything said by Linkara or the guys from Two Best Friends Play/Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Harry Potter,_ and anything created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~How the hell can people fall asleep on beaches without a black blanket over their heads or something?! Do people not know how bright the fucking sun is?!~

**Sora:** *opens his eyes* GAAH. Fucking sun… *sits up* Oooooh, beach pretty… *yawns widely, falls back down again*

**Kairi:** *elbow drops him* I’ve been watching you sleep.

**Sora:** WHAT THE FLYING FUCKING SHIT FUCK. *gets up in a kneeling position*

**Kairi:** Gigglesnort.

**Sora:** Never. Do. That. Again.

**Kairi:** Sora, you lazy jackass. Quit sleeping, we got stuff to do.

**Sora:** Cool it, okay? I just had a horrible nightmare where a bunch of evil monsters attacked me — and it actually _hurt_ when they did, by the way — and then I was being sucked into this dark abyss of death and it felt like I was drowning.

**Kairi:** *thwacks him upside the head* Didja feel that? That’s how you know this isn’t a dream.

**Sora:** And when the monsters attacked me it _hurt,_ we’ve been through this. Also my lungs were on fire when I was in that black whirlpool, I think that counts as pain. So…I don’t know if it was a dream or not, dude. My own shadow attacked me…It was so creepy…

**Kairi:** Uh-huh, and I’m sure you’ll write all about it in a special dream journal that you’ll take to a fortune teller to have her analyze it and waste a good thousand munny on the whole trip.

**Sora:** Hey fuck you, man, I’m legitimately terrified over here!

**Kairi:** Whatever. *starts walking away*

**Sora:** …So, inconspicuous change of topic, what was your hometown like, Kairi? Where you grew up?

**Kairi:** I grew up _here,_ remember? You were there?

**Sora:** Yeah but you were like, what, four or five when you got here?

**Kairi:** Yeah, but I spent most of my formative years here and was too young to really remember what happened then. Plus why are you asking me now instead of the past nine or so years we’ve known each other? I probably would’ve remembered better if you asked me back when I first got here, even if it’s implied that I’ve got amnesia anyway.

**Sora:** Somehow this is news to me. You ever want to go back?

**Kairi:** Why would I? I might’ve left or been sent away because it was horrible or exploding, we don’t know.

**Sora:** Yeah, but just to see what it was like. You know, just knowing where you came from? It can really help someone our age form their identity if they understood their own origins, you know.

**Kairi:** True, but I think I’m pretty good with just forming my identity around the people I know now.

**Sora:** Wow, that’s really mature of you.

**Kairi:** Thanks. And besides, I’m happy here. Which is why I’m helping you and Riku run away to alternate dimensions and am coming with you and stuff and junk and shit.

**Sora:** Yeah, that makes sense.

**Kairi:** And it’s true that I wouldn’t mind travelling around with you guys to different dimensions and things. The main thing is that even if we _do_ get to my home world, I just might not recognize it.

**Sora:** Fair enough. I wanna see all the worlds we can as well, especially since it’s implied that these islands we live on are the only thing on our entire planet and no one’s done any exploring beyond its borders for some insanely stupid reason that no one can pinpoint.

**Kairi:** Sure does make geography classes easy, though.

**Sora:** HA.

**Riku:** Hey! Aren’t you guys forgetting to introduce me to the audience? Look at me lift this heavy-ass log with one arm! I AM A MAYUN!

**Sora:** And here we go.

**Riku:** Also why am I the only one doing all the work. *throws log onto Sora*

**Sora:** OH GOD MY SPINE. I THINK I NEEDED THAT.

**Riku:** Walk it off. *goes up to Kairi* And you’re just as lazy as he is!

**Kairi:** The hell are you talking about, I’m the one actually _building_ the raft, you guys are just gathering supplies! *scoffs* Whatever, let’s race over there so we can finish everything.

**Sora:** I can’t, I can’t feel my legs.

**Riku:** And I just dragged a giant log over here for no reason, let me rest.

**Kairi:** I SAID RUN, SLAVES!

**Sora and Riku:** *instantly start running*

**Riku:** Are we whipped or are we just that competitive?

**Sora:** Little of column A, little of column B.

**Kairi:** I AM GIGGLING LIKE AN IDIOT, WHEEEEE!

**Title card:** FINAL MIX VERSION, BIATCHES!

**Rest of world outside Japan:** _Finally…_ *basks in the glory that is a far better camera and slightly more polished controls. Oh and the HD bit. Whatever*

**Area location card:** Oh, and these are called the Destiny Islands. Whoever first discovered this place was pretentious as hell.

**Kairi:** So can you gather the rest of the supplies? Sora, are you even listening to me?

**Sora:** Yeah, yeah, I’m standing right here.

**Kairi:** Okay, we still need two logs, so go grab the one Riku broke your back with, _he’s_ not gonna bring it back. We also need a cloth for the sail — and a plain one this time, please, Korra got dicked around and was basically replaced with SpongeBob for a while so I’m feeling very anti-Nickelodeon right now — and a rope to tie everything together with. Bring everything back here so I can disappear behind the mysterious door that leads to the rest of the island that we all know is there and know what it looks like, and start to build shit. If you forget anything, or everything, which I don’t doubt, come back here so I can nag you again. Now off with you!

**Sora:** Fine, fine…Did Riku just kick the log over here when we raced or what? *picks up log easily* Oh hey, Riku’s up there, wonder what he’s up to since he’s not helping me out at all… *runs up onto the Seaside Shack and across the bridge to where Riku is* Ooh, another log! Once again, thanks for nothing, Riku!

**Riku:** Did you get everything we need for the raft? I gave my stuff to Kairi.

**Sora:** Not yet, I—

**Riku:** Hey, Sora, how about a quick round? Grab your sword!

**Sora:** OKAY, YOU’RE ON!

**Riku:** This one decides the champion, like every single fight we’ve ever had! Ready or not! *waits for the player to press the X button whenever they’re ready*

**Sora:** *loses three times in a row but still gains a level from tech points* Fuck it, I’m fighting the others…BUT I WILL RETURN!

**Riku:** You do that.

**Sora:** I _shall!_ *jumps down and runs past Wakka because fuck Wakka and goes to talk to Selphie on the dock*

**Selphie:** Ahh, the breeze feels great. But that’s enough voice acting for today. What’re you up to these days? We never see you.

**Sora:** *hastily* Wanna duel?

**Selphie:** ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU’RE TALKING! *whips jump rope at Sora*

**Sora:** *hits it back in her face and beats her ass into the sand*

**Selphie:** *stamps feet* Aww, I can’t believe I lost!

**Sora:** …Really?

**Selphie:** *completely changes subject* Riku and Kairi sure are busy these days. I should send Tidus and Wakka to check up on you guys, because I’m such a helpless female that I couldn’t possibly be expected to do it myself. But I do like how we can come here on our own now. I’m all grown up despite being like eleven or less!

**Sora:** …Of course you are.

**Selphie:** So come on, tell me what you’re planning!

**Sora:** Well…Ah, what’s the harm? So—

**Selphie:** Actually, never mind. I’ll find out on my own.

**Sora:** THEN WHY ASK IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE TOLD!

**Selphie:** Tidus notices nothing. He’s so clueless!

**Sora:** …We shipping across Final Fantasy games now? Thought you were with Irving or whatever.

**Selphie:** Oh like _he’s_ gonna make it into one of these games. Hell, I’m surprised I did instead of Rinoa. It probably should’ve been Rinoa.

**Sora:** No argument here. *goes past Wakka again because fuck Wakka and climbs the ladder to go talk to Tidus. Who is not much better than Wakka* Hey cool, a single few feet of rope! That’ll definitely be enough to construct an entire raft for three people!

**Tidus:** Hey! Sora! You feel lucky today?

**Sora:** Why yes, actually—

**Tidus:** Hey, Sora. Feelin’ up to a little competition?

**Sora:** …I just said yes.

**Tidus:** All right, let’s go!

**Sora:** *fights him as he’s flipping around* Huh, this is actually pretty hard… *eventually defeats him*

**Tidus:** Aww, man! I’m really off today.

**Sora:** No, you just suck chocobo balls.

**Tidus:** Why would you want to cross the ocean? Sword fights beat that any day!

**Sora:** But you can swordfight with _more_ people if you go to a new place, and you can also have swordfights _while_ crossing the ocean for more of a challenge.

**Tidus:** LOGIC MAKE BRAIN HURT.

**Sora:** Why doesn’t that surprise me.

**Tidus:** Wakka and I are working on a new game. Everyone fights for the ball underwater. Let’s all try it someti—

**Sora:** THAT IS QUITE ALL RIGHT I WILL PASS ON THAT.

**Tidus:** Well you’re no fun. ‘Course, you and Riku will never be star players like me. I’m the star player of the Zanarkand Abes! Didn’t anyone tell you?

**Sora:** …You suck and I’m leaving. *jumps down and goes to talk to Wakka because fuck it*

**Wakka:** Hey, what’s happening, man?

**Sora:** …That was a worse accent than you actually had in your own game even though you have the same voice actor. How.

**Wakka:** Yo! You up for a round?

**Sora:** Hey! What’s up?

**Wakka:** …That’s not a normal response to what I just asked, but whatever. Anyway, Selphie thinks she’s in charge around here just because she has fallopian tubes. She should know that this is a Japanese production largely if not entirely run by dudes and the opposite is true. What a bitch.

**Sora:** Well at least they treat women in the comic industry better than America does.

**Wakka:** Fair. And for a complete change of topic, Riku’s good at pretty much everything and you’re a complete piece of shit in comparison who will never match up.

**Sora:** …Thanks, I needed that confidence boost in order to _beat your ass._

**Wakka:** Play is for kids. This is serious!

**Sora:** …You are attacking me with a _volleyball._

**Wakka:** Show me your stuff!

**Sora:** Ew. No. *keeps hitting all of Wakka’s balls back at him until he wins*

**Wakka:** Aw man. That really hurt! I think I might have a concussion.

**Sora:** The hell were you even keeping all those blitzballs? Then again, where am I keeping these two logs I’m carrying right now…?

**Wakka:** It’s so great, just hanging around out here. No parents to bug us which is standard fare since I was made an orphan by Sin anyway…

**Sora:** …Right…

**Wakka:** What’re you guys up to, anyway?

**Sora:** Well as I was about to tell Selphie—

**Wakka:** Whatever it is, be careful.

**Sora:** …I give up on you people.

**Wakka:** Of course, having Riku along should be a big help.

**Sora:** He _is_ doing most of the heavy lifting right now, that _is_ a cool thing he’s doing.

**Wakka:** Take it easy. I get tired watching you run around! Then again, Tidus is just as bad, ya?

**Sora:** Never. Compare me. To that twat. Again.

**Wakka:** Leave everything to Riku. He’ll take care of things.

**Sora:** Yeah, like your funeral arrangements…Hey, wanna fight again so I can spam tech points?

**Wakka:** Okay—OW MY FLESH.

**Sora:** Yo Riku, wanna fight again?

**Riku:** M’kay. Why are my attacks not hurting you as much.

**Sora:** ‘Cause my defense is now higher somehow. *eventually beats him* Now the score’s 1 to 3!

**Riku:** Well don’t you feel special. *gives him a potion*

**Sora:** Thanks, man. Oh shit, the cloth! *runs to steal someone’s curtain in a random tree house and heads into the Secret Place for lols* Hey, a random brown door. I wonder where it leads…Am I the one who can open it? No doorknob, no keyhole…What kind of door is this, anyway? Why do we even call it a door, it’s just a random patch of wood with a cool golden design in the middle of a cave. Odd, yes, but why do we assume it’s a door? Ah, fuck it, Kairi’s waiting for her shit. *runs back out*

**Kairi:** Thanks, Sora! I found something today, too, just by standing here all day! Here, it’s yours. *gives Sora Hi-Potion*

**Sora:** Wonder what I can rationalize this as…Essence of Dittany, mayhaps?

**Kairi:** How many times are we gonna use that joke.

**Sora:** As many times as it takes!

**Kairi:** No, we’re done now, it takes too much effort to remember to do it.

**Sora:** Aww…

**Kairi:** Anyway, are you tired? Considering the dumbass reference just there? Want to call it a day?

**Sora:** Not yet!

**Kairi:** M'kay, just let me know when you’re ready to head back so we can have a long-ass conversation about why we’re doing what we’re doing that we really should’ve had in the initial planning stages of this voyage before we actually head back.

**Sora:** Nah, just kidding, let’s go home after said long-ass conversation about why we’re doing what we’re doing that we really should’ve had in the initial planning stages of this voyage before we actually head home.

**Kairi:** Awesome. It _is_ getting late, which you can tell by the way the sky hasn’t changed the whole time we’ve been out here. We’ll finish up the entire raft and supply-gathering tomorrow so we can fuck off as soon as possible.

**Sora:** Sounds good to me!

~Okay, this sunset is legitimately _gorgeous._ ~

**Sora:** *sitting on the tree with Kairi* So Kairi’s home is out there somewhere, right?

**Riku:** Well she wasn’t born here, so by process of elimination, you’re a fucking idiot. Anyway, I’m just sick of these two or so islands and I want a change of scenery. The beach is nice and all but come _on._

**Sora:** But how far can a raft take us? I suddenly ask the most reasonable question in the whole game.

**Riku:** Stop bringing up logical flaws in our plan, you’re supposed to be the dumb one. If we have to, we’ll think of something else.

**Sora:** While we’re out in the middle of the ocean starving to death, dehydrated, and possibly drowning.

**Riku:** Now you’re catching on!

**Sora:** *facepalms*

**Kairi:** So, suppose you manage to rip a hole in the fabric of time and space and fall into another dimension. *giggles* What would you do there?

**Riku:** Eh, probably sight-see, check out all the areas I could, shop around for souvenirs, try the local food, learn about the culture, maybe meet some new people, if it’s a nice enough place maybe look into some real estate options…You know, stuff people would normally do when travelling to a new place that we would also be able to do if our entire universe wasn’t made up of this small collection of islands and no one ever travelled anywhere. And I’ve just been kind of wondering about…well, everything recently, you know? The meaning of life and all that? Why were we born _here,_ on _this_ particular collection of islands? Why weren’t we born somewhere else? Did we _choose_ to be born here, or did some type of higher being guide us here? I guess I just wanna go out and try to find some kind of answer for myself. I really _want_ there to be other worlds, really, because if there are then that means there is far more going on than we thought, and we’ll really have a chance to be part of something bigger than ourselves.

**Sora:** I wouldn’t mind having chosen to be born on a place with sunsets like this, I’ll say that much. *leans back on the tree and crosses his hands behind his head* So basically this whole thing is about you wanting to find yourself?

**Riku:** More or less. And I’d just really like to have you guys with me, if only for the sake of dragging me back down if I get too pretentious or whatever.

**Kairi:** No problem there.

**Riku:** *gets up from where he was leaning against the base of the tree and walks over to the edge* And I’m _really_ bored of Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie and want to get away from them as fast as possible.

**Sora:** Right behind you.

**Kairi:** You really have given this a surprising amount of thought, haven’t you?

**Riku:** *turns to her* My curiosity about other worlds is all thanks to you coming here out of nowhere, and has absolutely nothing to do with that one dude who stopped by before you even came to this island who made me touch his Keyblade.

**Sora:** Even after all this time, that still sounds really wrong.

**Kairi:** …I’m not entirely sure I want to know…And now we are magically done with this conversation and heading back to the boats. GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK.

**Riku:** Hey Sora, hold up.

**Sora:** *turns and gets hit in the solar plexus with a paopu fruit*

**Riku:** You wanted one, right?

**Sora:** *coughs up blood*

**Riku:** If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. *walks past Sora* They’ll remain a part of each other’s lives, no matter what. Come on, I know you want to try one!

**Sora:** …Are you suggesting that I want to share it with Kairi, or are you trying to come on to me yourself.

**Riku:** IT’S A MYSTERY! Or fodder for slash fics, either way.

**Sora:** *heavy sigh* And so it begins… *throws paopu away in disgust and runs off after Riku and Kairi*

~And now a sudden shift to a location we won’t be able to visit for two games, three if you’re only playing the HD rereleases and count Days.~

**Donald:** My hat appears to be exceptionally stupid today.

**Broomsticks:** *walk by carrying buckets*

**Donald:** I’m sure that won’t lead to anything horrible. *stops in front of gargantuan lilac doors, clears throat, and knocks on one of the doors, making a tiny door within the door open up*

**Player:** …Please don’t let _that_ be what passes for humor in this game…

**Donald:** This is an needlessly long throne room or whatever, though I do appreciate those statues of me and Goofy at the end. This is all just to set up the King not being here, isn’t it…That dark red flag with the black Mickey Mouse insignia looks oddly evil, actually, that’s weird…OMG HE’S NOT HERE I NEVER SAW THIS COMING WHY IS THIS ROOM SO FUCKING BIG.

**Pluto:** *is confused about his planetary status. And is also holding an envelope*

**Donald:** *reads letter inside envelope. THE NOISES THEY ADDED TO GO ALONG WITH DONALD MOVING HIS EYES AND BLINKING ARE TRULY WORKS OF COMEDIC GENIUS. And then Donald runs outside screaming, and no one really cares*

**Goofy:** *relaxing in those hedges from KHII* I think these’ll get redesigned slightly so they’ll be made into platforming puzzles, I forget, memory’s fuzzy…

**Donald:** Wake your shit, Goofy! This is serious!

**Goofy:** No, Gary Oldman’s Sirius…Zzzz…

**Donald:** THUNDAGA!

**Goofy:** *very nearly dies* Tell me you know Curaga…

**Donald:** Even if I did I wouldn’t use it on you. Now don’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you, even if they threaten Max’s life on you, you got it?

**Goofy:** What about Queen Minnie?

**Donald:** _Hell_ no!

**Goofy:** What about Daisy?

**Donald:** _Hell_ to the no! It’s super secret! No one can know but manly men who know what they’re doing!

**Goofy:** Oh, it sure is a shame you said that, as I was tryin’ ta warn ya that they were right behind ya.

**Donald:** …Thanks, ‘preciate that. Dickweed.

**Goofy:** No problem! A’hyuk!

~I cannot contain my anticipation for hanging out with these two for seventeen games. Please. Someone stop me. I’m having so much fun.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or Selphie'll beat your face in with her jump rope of doom. Don't think she won't.** _


	3. Oh Yeah, This Is TOTALLY Enough Food For Three People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Once Again Long-ish List Of Crap I Do Not Own:** _Berserk,_ _Berserk’s_ English dub outtakes, _Naruto,_ the godlike entity that is Dickbutt, “The Winner Takes It All” by Abba I guess, Romeo and Juliet, _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ The Abridged Series, Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Dragon Ball Z_ Abridged, _Doctor Who,_ _Eternal Darkness,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Another day, another trip of gathering supplies for this idiotic voyage.~

**Sora:** Presumably I’m the last to make it out to this particular island.

**Selphie:** Hey Sora, have you heard about the legendary power of the paopu fruit?

**Sora:** Yes, Riku told me already—

**Selphie:** They say if you share it with someone you really care for, it binds you together forever and ever through eternity!

**Sora:** I know, you don’t have to repeat plot points we just learned about—

**Selphie:** *sigh* It’s so romantic. I gotta try it sometime!

**Sora:** Of course, I forgot that girls would only ever think of romance bullshit and never anything else. EVER.

**Selphie:** What’s the matter, Sora? Something on your mind?

**Sora:** Besides your lack of depth? Nothing, really.

**Selphie:** I wonder who I should share a paopu with…

**Sora:** Wait for Irving, I keep telling you!

**Selphie:** Riku’s always staring out to sea these days. Sometimes even shouting won’t get his attention.

**Sora:** Or him, I guess, whatever, somehow I doubt he’ll return your feelings—

**Selphie:** You’re helping Kairi with something, right? What are you guys up to?

**Sora:** Well if you bothered to go to the other side of the island, which I hear is actually open today, you can all LOOK AT THE FUCKING RAFT. Which would kind of be a bad thing, actually, as seeing this would cause you to ask questions, since you should be concerned that we’re running away or something, and maybe ratting us out to our parents on the main island…Are you even listening to me?

**Selphie:** *had immediately turned around without waiting for an answer*

**Sora:** …Lovely.

**Selphie:** If you don’t share a paopu with Kairi soon, Riku might beat you to it!

**Sora:** Stop voicing my biggest current concern.

**Selphie:** Have you heard of the power of the paopu fruit?

**Sora:** WE JUST WENT OVER THIS TWICE. Fucking NPCs…

**Selphie:** Me? Well, I think I can do better than Tidus and Wakka!

**Sora:** _Everyone_ can do better than Tidus and Wakka. A pity that Yuna and Lulu never got the memo, but there you go.

**Selphie:** Paopu fruit is precious, so don’t pick it unless you’re gonna share it!

**Sora:** You have a disturbingly large amount of dialogue options today. Let’s go a round.

**Selphie:** Okay, but no whining when I beat you!

**Sora:** Sure, sure… *beats her ass easily again*

**Selphie:** DAMN IT.

**Sora:** *goes over to Wakka*

**Wakka:** Me and Tee-dus—

**FFX fans:** _Tai_ -dus. Go with Tai-dus. It gives the illusion that he actually possesses testicles.

**Wakka:** We’re gonna do a little explorin’ today. You know, to the secret place at the base of that tree. There’s gotta be something there, ya?

**Sora:** Yeah. Me and Riku and eventually Kairi’s special place. Stay the fuck out.

**Wakka:** Hey, Sora! You could use some coaching, ya?

**Sora:** *sarcastically* Sure, that would be great.

**Wakka:** Now, want to learn a special technique? It’s how to lock on! And how you can move rocks if you use enough force!

**Sora:** Why do I talk to people?

**Wakka:** You know the secret place, right? At the base of that tree?

**Sora:** You mean the one you just told me about that I already knew about?

**Wakka:** Who found that place, anyway?

**Sora:** Me and Riku. _I just said that._

**Wakka:** Tidus and I swam out really far last time…There was nothing in sight but water, water everywhere.

**Sora:** Such a relief that you managed to swim back. And by relief I mean shame…Wait, how’d you guys get past the invisible walls?

**Wakka:** *ignores him* Whatever you guys are up to, don’t do anything stupid, ya?

**Sora:** We’d have to do a lot for _you_ to think it was stupid.

**Wakka:** Man, I’m hungry! Let’s go home and get something to eat, ya?

**Sora:** …Can I just kick your ass already?

**Wakka:** Nah, I can’t…Can’t resist, that is!

**Sora:** Uh-huh. *beats him easily*

**Wakka:** Curses, foiled again.

**Sora:** *goes over to Tidus because fuck everything*

**Tidus:** I think you’ve gotten stronger, but odds are you’re still no match for Riku.

**Sora:** Just beat him in a fight yesterday, actually. You probably should’ve been able to see it from your vantage point and everything.

**Tidus:** We took him on three-to-one last time, and he whipped us all. It’s almost like I have a crush on him or something. Pity he’s totally with Kairi. She can always rely on him since she’s just a helpless female who needs a man around to protect her as she is and will forever be unable to learn how to defend herself. Anyway, another round, Sora! Let’s go!

**Sora:** I’m kinda busy now.

**Tidus:** So what’s the score now?

**Sora:** One to three.

**Tidus:** Ah, who cares?

**Sora:** *eyetwitch*

**Tidus:** This island is paradise for us kids! No adults ordering us around, hogging the spotlight, drinking all the time, ignoring you, calling you crybaby all the time…

**Sora:** Seriously, man, _talk to someone._

**Tidus:** *abruptly changes the subject* Say, are you and Riku really pals? It’s hard to tell sometimes.

**Sora:** We got a kind of friendship/eternal rivalry thing going on, like Guts and Griffith. Only Riku’s actions will actually be forgivable.

**Tidus:** Think Naruto and Sasuke might be a better example.

**Sora:** Yeah, but I like _Berserk_ better.

**Tidus:** Yeah but that _Naruto_ epilogue, though, that was basically exactly what I wanted.

**Sora:** Had it happened like three or four years ago when everything stupid hadn’t happened I would totally agree with you… *goes back to Wakka, fights him a couple times to go up another level, then comes back to Tidus* You three against me, let’s go.

**Tidus:** Okay, you asked for it!

**Sora:** *beats them all _easily_ * It’s really nice that I can beat up arguably the most annoying characters in their respective games — scratch that, where the fuck is Zell, I have some issues with that guy.

**Tidus:** Man, you’re unreal! *gives him Potion*

**Sora:** Sick. *goes into next area, blows by Riku to talk to Kairi by the really shitty looking raft*

**Kairi:** The raft’s almost ready! All we have to do now is load it with food.

**Sora:** Awesome.

**Kairi:** Hey, have you seen Riku?

**Sora:** Just ran by him. What, you wanna do the racing bullshit first?

**Kairi:** Yeppers!

**Sora:** Great… *runs back to Riku*

**Riku:** Hey, Sora. Our raft still needs a name. Let’s see…This is a Final Fantasy crossover, so how about Highwind?

**Sora:** I can think of few less original ways for Nomura to remind us all he made FFVII.

**Riku:** Well, what would you call it then? Excalibur?

**Sora:** Dickbutt.

**Riku:** …Suddenly I _want_ you to win this race.

**Sora:** We doin’ this thing?

**Riku:** Oh we are _so_ doin’ this thing.

**Kairi:** I heard all of that and I really want Sora to win. Usual rules apply: fuck around this part of the island and the first one to touch the weird creepy light-up star tree thing and get back here wins. ‘N stuff.

**Sora:** In addition to the name of the raft — and this is important or it wouldn’t be voiced — I get to be in charge! And if you win…

**Riku:** I get to share the paopu with Kairi, just to piss you off.

**Sora:** Oh _fuck_ you.

**Riku:** Death on the battlefield comes regardless of class, royal or common. *bursts into song* _The winner takes it all_  
 _The loser has to fall_  
 _And someone way down here loses someone…_

**Sora:** Holy shit, you _are_ Griffith.

**Kairi:** Yeah, I am _not_ being Casca in this equation, just race across this area that apparently no one goes to with random rock outcroppings that serve no purpose other than to be perfect for this game’s shitty platforming.

**Sora:** M’kay. *wins through the power of Dickbutt* Now the score’s 2 to 3, and we are _so_ naming the raft Dickbutt! *obtained Pretty Stone*

**Riku:** Man, lighten up. I know Dickbutt’s a cool name, but a raft by any other name would be just as poorly constructed.

**Sora:** I hate you. With all of my hate.

**Official KHI vanilla strategy guide:** You can actually win up to 99 Pretty Stones. You could then sell them at Traverse Town for 30 munny each, for a total of 2970 munny!

**iheartmwpp:** …Did I mention I’m a completionist?

**Riku:** What, the paopu thing? I was just fucking with ya, man! How ‘bout another lap around the course? *does really dumb pose at the beginning of every race while Sora just kind of stands there, waiting for the timer to go down*

~Three hours later…~

**Sora:** Now the score’s 100 to 3! *fist punches the air in an uncanny imitation of Zell despite his annoyance with the character*

**Riku:** …The hell did that happen, jumping through the air causes _way_ less resistance than running through water, he should _not_ have been as fast in the water as he was on dry ground…And for that matter, where the balls is he keeping those ninety-nine Pretty Stones anyway, those pants may be billowy but they aren’t large enough for—

**Sora:** *having just jumped down from a higher cave back onto the box he’d moved to get up there and equipping the Protect Charm someone must’ve stored up there for some reason* Sorry, did you say you wanted to race me again? ‘Cause I’ve really got no reason to now—

**Riku:** Nah, it’s fine, I’m good. You should go see what Kairi wants.

**Sora:** Okay. *goes to see what Kairi wants*

**Kairi:** Today we collect provisions for our trip! Let’s see. Sora, you’re looking for one seagull egg, two coconuts, three mushrooms, and three fish. *hands him a canteen small enough to hide in their hands* Oh, and fill this up with some kind of liquid that isn’t from the ocean, we want to be able to drink it and not die, after all.

**Sora:** With my piss, got it.

**Kairi:** And all of this will TOTALLY be enough for three people who’re on a tiny raft with no back-up plan and no idea how long their journey will be. Then again, I might’ve sent Riku off for more food earlier and this is just the rest of the stuff we need, but…Iunno, I can’t plan for crap, there, I admitted it.

**Sora:** …How are we gonna relieve ourselves? Sure we could just swim on the side and pee, but what about pooping? We’re two guys and one girl, and at least I like you, that’s gonna be ten different kinds of awkward. Also wouldn’t it be better to just use all three of our canoes that already exist and can store more crap? We can tie the boats together so we don’t get lost and we can still put a mast and sail on the middle one if they have to!

**Kairi:** *ignoring everything logical about this argument* Dickbutt…That name sounds familiar. Where have I heard it before?

**Sora:** Something tells me that that would’ve made more sense if Riku had won so you could blatantly rip off FFVII once more.

**Kairi:** You want to see what kind of jewelry I’m making while you’re off doing actual important things?

**Sora:** No. No I don’t.

**Kairi:** Too bad.

**Sora:** Figures…

**Kairi:** I’m making a necklace out of thalassa shells. In the old days, sailors always wore thalassa shells. They were supposed to ensure a safe voyage. See this? *one bottom shell is missing* It’s a charm to help us find each other if we ever get separated. *super zoom in on her face* The three of us will always be together. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…

**Sora:** *ever so slowly backs away to look for supplies far, _far_ away from her* Got all but the last mushroom Kairi wanted…Might as well check the secret place, and possibly put traps in here so Tidus and Wakka don’t actually go in here because fuck those guys… *goes into secret place, down the tunnel, and into the area where he and Riku did all the carvings on the walls all those years ago* There’s the mushroom! Right in front of the carvings Kairi and I did of each other all those years ago! Huzzah for adorable flashbacks! Said flashback has inspired me to do a new drawing. Imma draw me giving Kairi a paopu. And pray to Merlin that Tidus and Wakka don’t figure out the symbolism. They’re dumb as rocks, I should be safe. No end of teasing from Riku if he finds it, but we’re leaving tomorrow anyway, so I should still be safe.

**Game:** Mysterious man asks for your attention.

**Brown coat guy:** I’ve been watching you for an undetermined amount of time.

**Sora:** …I need an adult?

**Brown coat guy:** I am an adult. Or the heart of an adult that somehow made its way to this timeline, it’s all very complicated and confusing and you need to own seven different gaming platforms to understand it all.

**Sora:** Only three now, actually, most everything except Dream Drop Distance has been ported to the PS3 for the most part and obviously KHIII will be on the PS4 which we’re all so thrilled about, he said sarcastically—

**Brown coat guy:** Shut up, I’m trying to stare at the door to this world.

**Sora:** …Is it the one you just came through, or…?

**Brown coat guy:** This world has been tied in with the rest of the Disney movies and that one giant Final Fantasy meet-up place.

**Sora:** There actually weren’t too many Final Fantasy guys from Hollow Bastion, come to think of it, the rest were in Twilight Town. Though I suppose seven is more than four, but still, the hell are you talking about?

**Brown coat guy:** Tied to the darkness, soon to be completely eclipsed.

**Sora:** WE JUST SAID WE WEREN’T DOING _BERSERK._ THIS IS A CHILDREN’S GAME, RIKU _CANNOT_ DO THAT TO KAIRI IN A CHILDREN’S GAME.

**Brown coat guy:** Wha—NO! No, nothing like that, _Christ_ no! I’m just saying your world will explode and fade away!

**Sora:** OH, okay, you had me worried there for a sec. So where’re you from, anyway?

**Brown coat guy:** You do not yet know what lies beyond the door.

**Sora:** So, you’re from another world? And possibly timeline?

**Brown coat guy:** There is so very much to learn. So many Wikis to read to try to make sense of it all. You understand so little and will possibly never understand fully.

**Sora:** Oh yeah? Well you’ll see! I’m gonna own all the HD releases, talk to every NPC in every world multiple times to get every last piece of dialogue, do every sidequest, and win every trophy not related to gummi ship missions so I _can_ fully understand the franchise!

**Brown coat guy:** A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing.

**Sora:** Which is why we _learn_ things, so we can then know and understand about said things, otherwise we’re all just little poo-babbies flailing and crawling without ever learning how to fend for ourselves. You used to possess a scientist, how can you not know this?! Or…have you done that yet?

**Brown coat guy:** Iunno. *fucks off while Sora looks back at the door real quick*

**Sora:** Huh. I wonder if that weird adult I just met who watched me do something kind of private and then disappeared almost right when I noticed him, in a dark and isolated location where I thought I was alone and I have no idea how he got here, is planning anything nefarious…Eh, I’m sure it’s not important or harmful in any way, I won’t mention it to anyone. *goes back to Kairi with all of the supplies*

**Kairi:** Thanks, Sora! I found something today, too. Here, it’s yours. *gives him another Hi-Potion*

**Sora:** I don’t think I even have enough HP for this to be useful yet.

**Kairi:** Tired? Wanna call it a day, considering you just raced Riku ninety-nine fucking times around this area?

**Sora:** Yes I would like to sleep please yes.

**Kairi:** Good idea, since we’re leaving tomorrow. But first let’s chat on the dock in front of the sunset.

**Sora:** Aw, but sleepy-times!

**Kairi:** Shut up and have a semi-romantic conversation with me.

**Sora:** Sigh… *goes and sits on dock with Kairi—WHY ARE THEY LEAVING _LOOK_ AT THOSE SUNSETS!*

**Kairi:** You know, Riku has changed. He’s still growing his hair out, have you noticed? I’d love to see what it looks like a year from now.

**Sora:** Yes, and make even more Griffith comparisons possible.

**Kairi** : Would you quit it with the _Berserk_ references, I know the final boss is basically a design straight out of the manga, but seriously.

**Sora:** Sorry. You okay?

**Kairi:** …Wanna ditch Riku and just you and me go together? Even though this whole thing was his idea and he’d be crushed that we left him behind and probably turn evil faster?

**Sora:** …No?

**Kairi:** …G-Good thing I was just joking, then! *nervous laughter*

**Sora:** You’re weird.

**Kairi:** Your _face_ is weird!

**Sora:** It _is_ weird that nearly everyone’s gonna end up with my face, yes.

**Kairi:** You know, I was a little afraid of doing this whole thing at first, but now I’m ready. And I’m also aware that that’s what she said.

**Sora:** Ha.

**Kairi:** No matter where I go or what I see, I know I can always come back here. Unless the islands suddenly dissolve in a random evil storm of death, but what are the chances of that happening?

**Sora:** Of course, there’s no _way_ anything bad would ever happen to these islands! *they guffaw and have a lovely chortle fest*

**Kairi:** Sora, don’t ever change.

**Sora:** …Can I change my outfit next year when my voice drops and my hair inexplicably lightens slightly?

**Kairi:** Yeah, sure, that stuff’s fine. *stands up* I just can’t wait. Once we set sail, it’ll be great.

**Sora:** We’re all gonna die.

~Why do we keep cutting back to the Disney bullshit, no one cares.~

**King Mickey’s letter:** Donald, sorry to rush off like this without sayin’ goodbye, but there’s big trouble brewin’. And this is why no one believes I was the one who talked to Sora earlier because I didn’t talk to him like I usually do here. Also my library is awesome and I miss it already. But anyway, the stars have been blinkin’ out one by one. Could just be because stars die all the time but we haven’t seen any supernovas or anythin’ and also each star is a planet now for some reason so that probably means the universe is endin’ or sometin’. I hate to leave you all but I gotta go make sure it’s not another Death Star as Disney does in fact own Star Wars now, because that would suck a whole lot.

**Pluto:** *feels asleep*

**King Mickey’s letter:** There’s someone with a “key” — the key to our survival. Heh, see what I did there? Donald, you and Goofy need to find this guy and stick with him, even if it’s a girl, which it obviously wouldn’t be because that would be laughable even though I’ve met Aqua. We need that key or we will all explode along with our planets and franchises. So go to Traverse Town and find Leon, confusing everyone playing this for the first time because there is no one in Disney or Final Fantasy with that name I don’t think, which is why when his identity is revealed we will be referring to him by his real name from that moment onward, should annoy him greatly which is always a good thing. P.S. Would you apologize to Minnie for me so I’ll only lose one testicle when I get back? Thanks, pal. I’m using my insignia as a signature because I am unable to write my own name.

**Daisy:** Well this sucks.

**Queen Minnie:** It’s like he knows me or something. And I know him, so…Guess I trust him to not screw up _too_ badly…

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I sure hope he’s all right…

**Donald:** Your Highness. Don’t worry. We’ll find the King and this “key,” even though we’re only supposed to look for the second thing and any distractions could result in the end of the universe.

**Queen Minnie:** Yeah, good luck with that or whatever.

**Donald:** Daisy, can you take care of presumably the Queen before I was cut off?

**Daisy:** Of course; considering my voice isn’t a grating, nails-on-a-chalkboard screech people only hear in their worst nightmares, she’s far less likely to outright send me away, so I’ll actually be _around_ to protect her.

**Queen Minnie:** Oh, and to recap the story for you should you decide to take a break for months if not years, Jiminy Cricket’s gonna tag along. Yeah. Have fun with that.

**Jiminy:** *bows* Jiminy Cricket, at your service!

**Donald:** Yes, we know who you are.

**Queen Minnie:** Best of luck, I hope you don’t die.

**Donald:** I will.

**Goofy:** And I’ll hilariously pretend to not join you!

**Donald:** It’s really not that funny, now come on.

~If it’s not apparent, not the biggest fan of classic Disney characters. Goofy and maybe Minnie are really the only ones I like here.~

**Goofy:** So for the sake of backstory and for a reason for being here, was your world destroyed, Jiminy?

**Jiminy:** It was terrible. We were scattered. And as far as I can see, I’m the only one who made it to this castle. I didn’t bother looking for the small child who I’m supposed to take care of, though, that would’ve taken effort.

**Donald:** I am saying Goofy’s name.

**Goofy:** And from that, I have somehow psychically learned not to let on where we’re from when we’re in other worlds and crap. We’ve gotta protect the world border.

**Donald:** Order! But also possibly borders.

**Goofy:** Whatever. We gonna get new outfits or what?

**Donald:** Sure, why not. *goes into gummi ship garage where Chip and Dale are getting everything ready, calls up to them* Let’s get this over with!

**Queen Minnie and Daisy:** *apparently came to see them off*

**Donald:** *winks at Daisy*

**Daisy:** Thank King Mickey he’s gone, now I don’t have to deal with his horrible duck penis.

**Donald:** BLAST OFF!

**Ship:** *falls through hole in planet instead of flying out of the garage properly*

**Donald:** Of course it does because this is what we think comedy is.

~Dreading having to fly the gummi ship right now…~

**Sora:** I’ve got a really nice, really big room. Presumably a loving family, great friends, a _great_ location…Why am I leaving again?

**Kairi:** Because you’re I believe a fourteen-year-old heterosexual though possibly bi-curious boy, and I’m adorable and have breasts.

**Sora:** All of those things are true….What’s with the sudden storm? Oh shit, the raft! *fucks off through the window*

**Sora’s mother:** Sora, you do in fact have parents, you know, mind not forgetting about us all the time? Sora?

~…Why _are_ the kids so desperate to get away from their parents, they seem all right.~

**Sora:** Why is the moon a giant ball of death? And did Riku and Kairi see it too and already come here, their boats are here…Or are these Tidus, Wakka, or Selphie’s boats? Why do I care?

**Shadows:** HEY we were real the whole time, who knew.

**Sora:** …I don’t have to go to the bathroom anymore. *tries hacking at them with wooden sword but it does nothing* Okay, new plan. Run to Riku who I’ve just noticed is at his usual spot. *starts to head over but sees the pink door from his dream blocking the way to the secret place* …Is this a dream as well? But the monsters are still hurting me…Better talk to Riku, make sure this isn’t all a hallucination. Either way, I am never accepting food from Tidus again. *runs up to Riku* Where’s Kairi? I thought she was with you!

**Riku:** The door…has opened…

**Sora:** What?

**Riku:** I said the door has opened, Sora, learn to listen!

**Sora:** I heard you fine, I just have no idea what you’re talking about! Though I do know that a door just randomly appeared over there.

**Riku:** Either way, now we can go to the outside world! _An_ outside world, at any rate!

**Sora:** What’re you talking about? We’ve gotta find Kairi!

**Riku:** Kairi’s coming with us!

**Sora:** Not if we don’t _find_ her, asshole!

**Riku:** Once we step into that floating black ball of death, destruction, and chaos, we might not be able to come back, most likely because we’ll be dead. We may never see our parents or other friends again, and while I do possibly love my parents I cannot stand those other three dirtbags. There’s no turning back after this point; from this moment on, shit gets real and shit gets weird. This is our only chance to survive the destruction of this world. We gotta move fast or we’ll perish with the others! I’M NOT AFRAID OF THE DARKNESS! *stretches out his hand in an uncannily similar way to the Riku from Sora’s vision*

**Sora:** Riku, you’re stretching out your hand in an uncannily similar way to the Riku from my vision. Also you appear to be being consumed by darkness.

**Riku:** Yes, this is apparently a thing. *vines of darkness start wrapping around him*

**Sora:** Okay, I’m gonna just drag you outta that shit, hope you don’t mind — shit, the darkness is coming. *is also being consumed by darkness*

**Riku:** Just relax…Let it happen, Sora…

**Sora:** I need an adult!

**Riku:** I…I got nothing, sorry. *darkness consumes both of them momentarily*

**Light:** I EXIST!

**Sora:** I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GRATEFUL FOR A SLIGHT HEADACHE! Also what is this thing I’m holding by the way. Also also what happened to Riku.

**King Mickey:** Keyblade…Keyblade…

**Sora:** Good to know what this thing is called. NOW TO LEVEL UP UNTIL I NO LONGER FEEL LIKE IT BECAUSE THERE’S A SAVE POINT RIGHT INSIDE THE SEASIDE SHACK AND WHAT THE HELL I JUST LIKE FEELING OVERPOWERED AND LIKE TO COMPENSATE DON’T JUDGE ME. *gets up to level ten by taking out all the shadows repeatedly before going up to the pink door* Time to move on with the game and lose my home planet forever, I guess… *opens the door and goes down the tunnel*

**Kairi:** I was drawn to the heart of this world for some reason!

**Sora:** Kairi!

**Kairi:** *turns around* Sora…Let my heart take refuge in yours, m’kay?

**Door to darkness:** *opens, blasting Kairi straight into Sora, literally*

**Naminé:** I apparently exist now. Or is that when Kairi's heart’s freed later, I don’t even know.

**Sora:** …What the fuck just happened. *gets blasted backward by the darkness and lands on the beach* Aaaand now my world’s destroyed in the most evil hurricane ever. The day _before_ we were gonna leave, of course…This is now a floating island under a purple sky with a giant black energy ball about to descend and obliterate the rest of it. That’s how hurricanes work, right?

**Darkside:** Well, old chap, I do believe this world seems to be crumbling before our very eyes!

**Sora:** I noticed that, yes.

**Darkside:** Also everyone you love is probably dead. Wanna fight?

**Sora:** …I guess?

**Darkside:** Don’t worry, it’s the exact same strategy as last time, only with one extra attack that really does let you hit me in the face directly, should be no trouble at all.

**Sora:** Oh, okay then. *beats him and the corresponding Heartless with relative ease; there was a little struggle but it’s fine*

**Dark energy ball:** *only grows in power*

**Darkside:** And with that, your planet is destroyed. Have fun with that. *falls up into the death ball of death*

**Sora:** *still clinging for dear life until he can’t anymore* Gah! *gets sucked in as well*

~…Expected a bigger scream than that…~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll have to share a paopu with Tidus.** _


	4. ...Why Is No One Freaking Out...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doin' this today in anticipation of no power for Mickey knows how long. :P
> 
> **The Medium-Sized List Of Crap I Don’t Own:** _Pokémon,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _The Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End,_ the _Twilight_ Rifftrax, _Star Trek V,_ Spoony’s _Final Fantasy VIII_ review series, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~…If these two are in Traverse Town already, how come they haven’t met Leon yet?~

**Goofy:** Huh? *looks up* Look! I just conveniently looked up at exactly the right time to notice that a planet just exploded!

**Donald:** Well that sucks.

**Goofy:** …Nomura designed your hat, didn’t he.

**Donald:** Yeah, why? Did the zippers give it away?

**Goofy:** I am so glad I’m only wearing one belt…

**Traverse Town:** *is a thing*

**Donald:** I think we should be looking way more closely at the ground for that key the King was talking about. Something that small could be anywhere.

**Goofy:** Or we could find Leon first; maybe he has it.

**Pluto:** *fucks off down an alley*

**Goofy:** Uh, Donald? I think we should either follow Pluto or check out inside some of these buildings we’re straight up passing by, what do you think?

**Donald:** You’re stupid and I will never value anything you say no matter how many times you prove me wrong.

**Goofy:** Good to know we’re such good friends. Pluto, if you want to be in the majority of the franchise with the rest of us, you better come with! *follows Donald down to the next areas of the level I guess*

**Pluto:** *ignores Goofy and sniffs out Sora*

**Sora:** *is sitting, unconscious, behind a bunch of boxes…How did he get there so fast when his planet _just_ exploded?*

**Pluto:** *uses LICK! It’s not very effective…*

**Sora:** …All right…My testicles are now filled to the brim with poison, but I gotta make it up this mountain…Zzzzz…

**Pluto:** *uses STOMP! It’s super-effective!*

**Sora:** OW MY RIBS! THAT’S HIGHLY INJUROUS! And you appear to be a dog.

**Pluto:** *is a dog*

**Sora:** *gets up* …Where the hell am I? ‘Cause at the end of a dark alley is not the greatest place to end up. You know where we are, boy? I think? I don’t really wanna duck under you and check?

**Pluto:** *hears something and mysteriously disappears for the rest of the game*

**Sora:** …Well that went well. *runs in front of the Accessory Store* This appears to be a town I’ve never seen before…Did I do it? Did I manage to travel to another dimension? Or is this still on my planet but just on a different land mass no one’s seen before because apparently we don’t travel much? *runs up to the first person he sees* Hi! You look uncannily like some guy I know called Tidus! I wonder if the game makers just did some quick pallet swaps to make it seem like the towns were vaguely populated or something!

**Not-Tidus:** You looking for someone? It’s a big town, so check everywhere.

**Sora:** …I don’t really think it’s as big as you think it is…

**Not-Tidus:** I keep seeing new faces today. An odd pair walked by just a little while ago. They’re probably still somewhere in this district but who knows if you’ll ever find them before the plot demands it.

**Sora:** That sounds habitual for this game.

**Not-Tidus:** My world was attacked by shadows. I got separated from Mom and Dad, and finally came here.

**Sora:** Sounds like the same thing happened to me. Keep faith, they’ll turn up. *goes to talk to a nearby woman*

**Woman:** Those candles burning over there were specially created by Moogles.

**Sora:** The fuck’s a Moogle?

**Woman:** That white thing with the red nose and the pom-pom sticking out of its head.

**Sora:** Ah. That looks vaguely mascot-ish.

**Woman:** Indeed, but I wanna talk about the candles.

**Sora:** Of course you do.

**Woman:** Even if you snuff one out, it flickers back to life in no time. YOU’D PROBABLY NEED MAGIC TO PUT THEM ALL OUT. GEDDIT?! DO YA GEDDIT?!

**Sora:** …Calm your tits, dude.

**Woman:** People with nowhere else to turn come to this town. Where am I from?

**Sora:** I didn’t ask you anything—

**Woman:** None of your business.

**Sora:** I _just_ said I didn’t want to know anyway.

**Woman:** Don’t ask that question here. Everyone’s got an unhappy past.

**Sora:** And no one wants to talk about it so they can find someone they can relate to and commiserate with if everyone here’s lost a planet? Seems kind of counter-productive….Also, in the manga, I got propositioned by a fully-grown prostitute. Do you know where any of those might be so I might avoid them?

**Woman:** Oh don’t worry, there aren’t any in this _children’s game._

**Sora:** But there was one in the _children’s manga,_ hence the question.

**Woman:** Oh. Well, if there are they haven’t advertised it.

**Sora:** Oh. Okay then. *goes to talk to the Moogle* 

**Moogle:** Seeing all of this town will take some time, kupo, especially for newcomers. Once you do, though, you’ll realize it’s really not that big at all and in fact pretty much every “world” is about the same size, even after accessing areas you couldn’t before. When you really think about it, it kind of _is_ a small world after—

**Sora:** *drop kicks Moogle and goes to talk to someone who doesn’t hate the world*

**Random pilgrim-like guy:** This town has grown as people have lost their home worlds and come here. You’d think there would be more Disney characters but you’d be wrong. It’s easy to get lost in such a big, sprawling place.

**Sora:** I somehow doubt that.

**Random pilgrim-like guy:** This town is divided into three districts. And an alleyway. This is the first district, and for some reason the third district is closer to the entrance to the town than the second one.

**Sora:** That makes sense.

**Random pilgrim-like guy:** Beyond this door is a shortcut to the Third District — but it’s been blocked off with three tiny planks of wood that none of us can pry away with our small infantile hands and nonexistent strength. And even once it’s opened, we will never go there.

**Sora:** Y’all’re dumb. *goes to check out the buildings and goes into the item shop* HOLY SHIT DUCKS WEARING CLOTHES.

**Dewey:** Welcome!

**Sora:** AND THEY TALK WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

**Dewey:** Are you looking to buy? Or maybe you have something to sell?

**Sora:** *instantly calms down* Well I do have a bunch of nice rocks that I don’t really need…AND THEY SELL FOR ONE HUNDRED MUNNY EACH I DID NOT EXPECT THAT. TAKE THEM, TAKE THEM ALL.

**Dewey:** You now have only one hundred munny left before you get the From Rags to Riches trophy! Nice going!

**Sora:** I…will hold off buying things for now, I think. Plus I’ve got enough Potions for now probably. So let’s chat.

**Dewey:** I hand-picked everything on these shelves. We carry only the best of the most basic items you can pick off the fucking ground!

**Sora:** Good for you!

**Huey:** We’re gonna earn enough munny here to go on our own adventure. Maybe we can rope our Uncle Scrooge into taking us through many wacky hijinks while catchy music plays in the background!

**Louie:** Nah, that’ll never work. Me? My focus is on keeping the shop clean. It’s easier than our bedroom!

**Sora:** That’s great, I’m gonna smash your ceiling fan for no reason. Hey, a postcard!

**Huey:** Louie!

**Louie:** What, I thought I threw it out!

**Sora:** Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness. *goes out other entrance* There is a guy around back of this building. I will go talk to him. *goes around back but sees another Moogle first*

**Moogle #2:** The door I’m standing in front of is the item workshop, kupo. We’re researching item synthesis, super weapon foraging, and complicated and annoying subplots that everyone tolerates because it means cool items in the end! Buuuut something’s blocking the door so I can’t get in, which makes me sad, kupo.

**Big guy:** You can find whatever items you need at the nephews’ shop, unless you want really special items like the Moogles can make or pretty much anything Cid’s selling. Assuming you’ve got the munny, of course. Also that door behind you is where the Second District is.

**Sora:** Okay, thanks. *goes back to the front of the store and into the Accessory Shop* Why would the front of a store have a fireplace.

**Cid:** Hey there, how can I — Aw, it’s only a kid, kids _never_ have any munny on them given to them by parents or relatives or strange men in vans!

**Sora:** I’m like fourteen, that’s gotta be old enough to not be considered a kid anymore maybe. And the name’s Sora!

**Cid:** All right, all right, I didn’t ask for your life story! So why the long face that’s actually really small, round, and adorable and won’t really lengthen until next year, Sora? I’d offer you food if this was the manga but we’re in the game where food doesn’t exist so screw that. You lost or something?

**Sora:** No! I just have no idea where I am or what this place even is!

**Cid:** …That’s like the definition of being lost. So here’s an offscreen run-down…

**Sora:** Traverse Town, huh? So, old person, is this really another dimension or am I just on the other side of the planet?

**Cid:** I’m only like fifty-something, I’m not old! And the name’s Cid! The FFVII version, just so we’re clear!

**Sora:** Yeah, kinda got that…

**Cid:** And I have no idea what you mean about different dimensions and planets and things even though I’m from another dimension/planet myself. And no, I’m pretty sure this planet doesn’t have any islands. It’s kinda limited to this one town, which is weird but there you go.

**Sora:** Hmm…Guess I better start the game-long fetch quest that is the search for Riku and Kairi.

**Cid:** Hey. I’m an old softie deep down, so if you ever run into trouble, especially if you want to buy something or try to get the most frustrating trophy this game has to offer, come to me.

**Sora:** Cool. Hey, is it okay if I jump onto that shelf over there and grab whatever’s in that treasure chest that’s in plain view for some reason?

**Cid:** Yeah, whatever, I don’t care.

**Sora:** Sick. *gets a Mythril Shard* Insert Lord of the Rings joke here.

**Cid:** Not really, it’s spelled differently, you see.

**Sora:** Oh we both know it’s the same thing. Hey, a save point! *saves*

**Cid:** Yeah, that glowy thing’s just kind of there, it’s really weird but you feel better whenever you stand in it so I just let it kinda sit there. Thought about charging people for using it but micro-transactions of that caliber would just be the height of dickery.

**Sora:** Agreed. *leaves and goes behind the Accessory Shop again* This giant blue safe looks like it’s locked. And I’m not even going to try my giant key that I have to see if it fits because fuck that. *goes through the door to the Second District* Hey, pilgrim guy! What up, brah?

**Random pilgrim-like guy:** DO YOU NOT SEE THE MONSTER FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL FOLLOWING ME?!

**Sora:** I do not, no.

**Random pilgrim-like guy:** …Why is my heart coming out of my chest and why is it all pink and sparkly and nothing like an actual human heart? And why am I dissolvi

**Black energy ball:** *is suddenly a thing*

**Heart:** *gets absorbed by the black energy ball*

**Soldier Heartless:** *is created, and bursts into song* _I want to chomp into your throoooaaat…_  
 _And watch you bleed out on the floooor…_

**Sora:** *head tilt* …Okay…?

**Soldier Heartless:** Nah, I’m just messing with ya. *vanishes*

**Shadow Heartless:** A bunch of _us_ wanna kill you instead!

**Sora:** That’s great, but did I just see that guy _die_ or…?

**Shadow Heartless #2:** Not really, no one dies in this series except for all the horrible murder. As soon as you kill that particular Soldier, the guy’ll probably pop back up fine, unless he has a corresponding Nobody which I somehow doubt…

**Sora:** Huh. Good to know. *murders them all* HOLY CRAP THEY’RE DROPPING MUNNY THIS IS AWESOME I WILL KILL EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD NOW.

**Shadow Heartless:** Well this sucks. *die and become themselves again possibly maybe it’s not a hundred percent clear*

**Sora:** And now to kill absolutely everything in this area, and also grab a few more postcards on seemingly impossible to reach places. *does these things, also picks up a Mega-Potion* Hey, this is a nice-looking hotel, Imma check it out. *goes in*

**Donald and Goofy:** *enter the Second District as soon as Sora goes into the Hotel*

**Goofy:** The hell were we that we weren’t able to catch sight of him and allowed him to get ahead of us.

**Donald:** I had to pee, all right?!

**Sora:** …And all the rooms are closed off. Too bad my giant KEY can’t open any of them. Sigh, that was pointless. *rings bell, reads pamphlet when no one comes*

**Pamphlet:** Welcome to Creepy Hotel. Please enjoy our creepy bath soaps and complimentary creepy shampoo. Our hotel is holding a multicultural art exhibit. We hope you enjoy said exhibit. We should’ve said show at one point so it wouldn’t be horribly repetitive and gave off the illusion of effort.

**Sora:** And this was also pointless. *goes outside, kills Heartless, collects dropped munny, earns trophy, does a happy dance, and enters Gizmo Shop*

**Donald:** We must’ve _sprinted_ down that hallway to get to the other end of this so quickly…

**Goofy:** I’m still looking for Leon even though he’s probably underground right now and there’s no way for us to get to him!

**Sora:** This doesn’t really seem like a _shop,_ per se, whatever that means…

**Heartless:** Nah, this is the room of seemingly endlessly spawning enemies so you can level up and shit.

**Sora:** I’m down with this. *kills a lot of things, exits Gismo Shop and looks at ladder* I ain’t climing that shit. *jumps down and breaks both ankles* …Owww… *limps into the Dalmatians’ house, the only regular house that can be opened in the whole town*

**Donald:** Still nothing.

**Goofy:** It’s almost as if we’re not allowed to encounter anyone until the plot demands it! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** Now you’re just being idiotic.

~And so, Donald and Goofy, being the complete dumbasses that they are, climbed the wobbly ladder. It broke, and they fell to their deaths. All was well.~

**Sora:** Aww, doggies!

**Pongo and Perdita:** *are sadfaces*

**Game:** The 99 puppies were lost amid the chaos of their world’s destruction. Find them in various worlds.

**Sora:** DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! *is totally gonna do it* Though I gotta ask, why aren’t one of you going out and looking for your kids while the other stays here in case they come back? I get the thought of both of you losing each other as well must be heartbreaking to think about but come _on,_ these are _children_ we’re talking about here!

**Pongo and Perdita:** We have no dialogue in this game.

**Sora:** That sucks. *explores the house* This is actually a really nice house, I’m really into that desk you’ve got over there. And you have a piano, I like piano music a lot. All your rooms are pretty much gorgeous, actually…Wait…What do dogs need with a wine rack?

**Kirk:** What does God need with a starship?

**Sora:** Never mind, I have a better TV at home, I’m out. *goes into the Alleyway* So much stuff to kill, so many Lucid Shards to apparently collect for some reason, so little time…Hey, another Pretty Stone I can sell. *exits Alleyway* Aaaand I appear to be in the Second District again. So I just did a roundabout for no reason other than to gain experience and find out about a side quest…Which I guess is a decent enough reason… *fights more dudes while Donald and Goofy are presumably jumping around on rooftops above him, eventually makes his way through the correct alley to the Third District*

**Shadows:** We are still fucking shit up, even here.

**Sora:** Could you not? *murders them all* Hey, what’s this vacant house? *enters Vacant House* Hmm. This vacant house sure is vacant. *exits again, goes down the stairs and murders everything in his path*

**Golden fountain in the corner:** *is apparently a Lady and the Tramp fountain*

**Sora:** Damn it’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie…Now let’s see, I can’t go through to the First District because the door’s locked and I _apparently have no key,_ and I can’t get through this other door that has a carving of flames on it for one reason or other, so I guess I might as well backtrack because that’s just such a fun thing to do. *backtracks to the First District* Ah shit, here too?! Did everyone in the square die except not as well or what?! *murders everything even more and heads into the Accessory Shop if only to preserve the fact that he’s at level 12 right now* Yo Cid, got anything to say about how your town is probably overrun with horrible monsters?

**Cid:** NOPE!

**Sora:** Great. *exits*

**Mysterious voice:** They’ll come at you out of nowhere.

**Sora:** *turns around* You mean like you just did?

**Mysterious guy:** *comes into frame and lets everyone sees his necklace and outfit*

**Fangirls:** OMFG IT’S SQUALLY-SQUALL!

**Fans who didn’t like FFVIII so much:** Please be more tolerable this time around…

**Squall:** And they’ll keep coming at you, as long as you decide to wield the Keyblade, which I know isn’t really much of a choice but hey. *points at Keyblade* But why? Why would it choose a kid like you? *rubs brow* I’m used to teenagers saving the world, but, like, _older,_ practically adult teenagers.

**Sora:** Which is why these games were made for a younger audience in mind, being rated E or E10+ instead of T, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as the game itself is actually good, which this series is in spades and you know it.

**Squall:** Whatever, now show me your weapon.

**Sora:** …I need an adult?

**Squall:** I probably am an adult. *walks forward menacingly*

**Sora:** Still don’t wanna.

**Squall:** All right, then let me just pull this gunblade out of my ass so we can fight properly.

**Sora:** Not gonna lie, really like the new hair…Wait, _gunblade?_

**Squall:** Yes. Now fight me.

**Sora:** *runs away and stops* Okay, seriously though, a _gun blade?_

**Squall:** *starts walking toward him and doesn’t even come CLOSE when he starts swinging his gunblade*

**Sora:** Do I even really need to explain to you in how many ways the gunblade is stupid? You can’t _tell?_

**Squall:** *shoots Firaga at Sora’s face; apparently he’d junctioned his sword with fire magic*

**Sora:** *hits it back at him and starts beating his ass* I get the concept. I really do: Really big swords are cool! _Guns_ are cool! But when you mix ‘em both together, you’re not always gonna get Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, you know what I’m saying?

**Squall:** *walks around like a badass, coming closer and swinging at Sora*

**Sora:** *dodges and gets a couple of hits in* I mean, what the fuck _is_ it?! It’s a four-foot sword duck taped onto a fucking pistol grip. What the hell does it _do?!_ If you swing something this heavy with such an inappropriate grip, all you’re gonna do is break your fucking wrist!

**Squall:** *swings and does a large amount of damage to Sora*

**Sora:** *knocks back a Potion and keeps fighting* Does it have ammo? Do you need to reload it? What does the ammo _do?_ What actually happens when you pull the trigger, does a sword hurt more when you load it with bullets?! I just don’t get it! *finally defeats Squall*

**Squall:** *hunches over* No way…I can lose…

**Sora:** You mean apart from the part where I totally just beat you?

**Squall:** It doesn’t matter, you’re about to collapse anyway.

**Sora:** How, I’m nearly at full health and even if I wasn’t I’ve got way more Potions than I need right now— *passes out*

**Squall:** *gets up* Yep, totally planned that.

**Yuffie:** I’m in the game too! Was actually apparently gonna be Rikku but the game makers thought that would be confusing for some reason.

**Rikku:** Which is why me and the other two Gullwings only show up in the sequel in an incredibly small capacity. Which is a shame, I wasn’t as annoying as other characters in that game.

**Yuffie:** Shut up, it’s ninja time. And you really appear to be sucking at everything a lot lately, Squall.

**Squall:** That’s Leon.

**Yuffie:** Yeah no, it’s Squall.

**Squall:** I HAD EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.

**Yuffie:** Of course you did.

**Squall:** Look at that character design, though. Those shoes are so unrealistic even for _us,_ and you had Cloud’s hair on your team and I have _five belts._ We’re so screwed, I can’t even.

**Yuffie:** I’m sure you’ll learn to even someday.

**Squall:** NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN.

**Yuffie:** Damn it, I thought we were over this!

~Oh hey, cool, new Final Mix material at last!~

**Riku:** Ow…my coccyx…Why is that waterfall falling _upwards?_ *pushes himself to his feet* Holy shit those platform rocks are floating. The hell is this place? *looks around frantically* SORA! KAIRI! WHY IS MY VOICE MUTED!

**Maleficent:** I have a hand.

~Tee hee, that part was in the manga, I totally recognize it.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll have to look for the ninety-nine puppies for Pongo and Perdita while they do fuck all to help you.** _


	5. Dude Your Name's Squall, Live With It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a couple of weeks and I forgot, you ever forget, it happened to me.
> 
> **The Unsurprising List Of Crap I Don’t Own:** Anything said by Ron White, apparently, _Kim Possible,_ Two Best Friends Play/Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Angel, The Producers, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Me and My Dick, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Doctor Who, Silent Hill, The Walking Dead_ Telltale game, _Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Well that was enough of anything interesting, back to the main part of the game where we have to put up with Donald and Goofy.~

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, apart from the several people and dogs we’ve encountered so far, there’s nobody here! And it sure is spooky how we don’t even care that Pluto’s gone!

**Donald:** Who gives a shit, I don’t care.

**Aerith:** *taps Donald on shoulder*

**Donald:** *shits himself*

**Aerith:** Classy. And you’re the ones the King sent, huh.

**Goofy:** …Aren’t you dead?

**Aerith:** Shut up.

~I played this before I played FFVII and that’s why I choose Aerith over Aeris. Can everyone live with that? No? Well I don’t care.~

**Kairi:** Come on, lazy jackass. Wake up.

**Sora:** I’d wake up to that beautiful voice that’ll soon be changed completely any day.

**Kairi:** You okay?

**Sora:** In perfect health, I really don’t know why I passed out. Guess the stress of my planet exploding and not being able to find anyone caught up with me or something.

**Kairi:** Those things that attacked you are after the Keyblade. But it’s your heart they really want, because you wield the Keyblade.

**Sora:** How did you learn all of this expositional information, Kairi?

**Kairi:** Kairi? I think you’re hallucinating. I’m the great ninja Yuffie!

**Sora:** What’re you talking about, and why do you suddenly sound like Kim Possible—OKAY, you’re a different person, that explains it.

**Yuffie:** I think you might’ve given him a concussion, Squall.

**Squall:** It’s _Leon._

**Yuffie:** Ignore him, his name’s Squall. He changed it for stupid reasons that we’re ignoring because the reasons are stupid.

**Sora:** What’s the Keyblade doing over there?

**Yuffie:** We had to take it away from you so we wouldn’t be hounded by those creatures, at least for the moment. They’re drawn to it, so they were attacking you for it. Which I already explained back when you were seeing things.

**Sora:** Man, this axe body spray is having some unintended side effects…

**Squall:** It was the only way to conceal your heart from them.

**Sora:** …The hell does that mean?

**Squall:** It won’t work for long, though, so we have to cram in all the exposition we can while there’s still time. Still, hard to believe that a little kid like you with the most ridiculous jumpsuit and shoes I’ve ever seen is the chosen one; out of all the other chosen ones there could be, you look the most ridiculous. *tries picking up Keyblade*

**Keyblade:** Too much emo, going back to the happy kid.

**Sora:** Oooooh, shiiiinyyy…

**Squall:** Well, looks like we’re stuck with you except for the games where we follow someone else who is basically you except not really.

**Sora:** This series is confusing. Please at least try to explain part of it.

**Aerith:** This is actually a cool transitional sequence where we imply both groups are talking and learning at the same time, I like it. So obviously you know about interdimensional and interplanetary travel, right?

**Donald:** Obviously; we’re a giant talking and clothed duck and dog, it’s abundantly clear we’re not from around here.

**Goofy:** And we’re being so subtle about it that no one could possibly figure that out!

**Aerith:** …Right…Anyway, you could’ve been subtle about it before because all the worlds were separate, but then the Heartless showed up and suddenly we can go anywhere and everywhere. This is not necessarily a good thing.

**Sora:** The Heartless? Oh, it’s back to us now.

**Yuffie:** Yeah, we’re finally giving a name to the things that attacked you. Isn’t that joyful?

**Squall:** Those made from the darkness in people’s hearts, essentially made up of evil heart energy. BUT they don’t really have hearts themselves, I guess, technically, so we call them Heartless.

**Yuffie:** They’re attracted to the very thing they’re made of, so they can make more of themselves.

**Squall:** And there is darkness within every heart except when there isn’t.

**Yuffie:** Inconspicuous change of topic: Have you ever heard of someone named Ansem?

**Goofy:** No, but I really feel like I should have.

**Aerith:** He was studying the Heartless; for all intents and purposes he basically created them, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that in addition to finding the King, Sora’s friends, and the puppies, you also have to find the pages of Ansem’s report so you can learn more about the Heartless and what he was up to.

**Goofy:** Tell me you have at least _some_ of it with you.

**Aerith:** Of course not, that would be laughable.

**Donald:** *sigh* Where can we find the pages?

**Aerith:** In nearly every world, sort of.

**Goofy:** You think the King got a head start on us? Maybe if we find him, and he’s already collected all of them, then we’ll only have to find one thing!

**Donald:** I like this plan, this is a good plan.

**Aerith:** I think maybe he _wanted_ to find them, but you’re the one who’s actually gonna end up finding them.

**Goofy:** Crap…

**Donald:** Hang on a sec! *is knowledgeable enough to know exactly where the camera is so he can drag it down to his level* First, we need that “key!”

**Aerith:** So you know about the Keyblade already as well?

**Sora:** Wait…What your trying to tell me…is that this blade…which is in the shape of a giant key…is some sort of _key?_

**Yuffie:** You catch on quick! You’re a bomb-ass miracle child!

**Squall:** *in a completely dead-inside voice* The Heartless have great fear of the Keyblade.

**Sora:** *aside to Yuffie* This whole time, I can’t tell if Angel’s phoning it in, or if he really understands Squall’s character.

**Yuffie:** Probably a little of column A, a little of column B.

**Sora:** Ah.

**Squall:** So they’re always gonna come after you no matter where you are. Have fun with that.

**Sora:** Damn it, I just wanted to get into interstellar travel! I didn’t ask to be Jesus!

**Yuffie:** They Keyblade chooses its master. And it chose you. Probably because of Ventus, you should thank him later. It’s also why we’re going to be referring to you as the Keyblade Master or whatever even though there’s actually a Mark of Mastery system in place and you’re not even going to be a master by the point where you saved the universe twice.

**Squall:** I’d laugh at your situation if I knew what laughter was.

**Sora:** The hell’d this all come about, anyway? I was in my room — SHIT! What happened to my home? My island? Riku and Kairi? Why am I acting as if this is the first time I’ve been asking these questions when I’ve already talked to Cid about all of this?!

**Squall:** Fucked if I know.

**Yuffie:** …Thank you, Mr. Tact.

**Sora:** *tries to leave*

**Squall:** Nope.

**Sora:** Aww.

**Yuffie:** *is sitting on the bed and leaning back on her arms in a kind of suggestive pose* I’ve heard that the _Keyblade_ can _open_ all sorts of _locks._ Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, grin, grin, say no more?

**Sora:** …Oh I get it.

**Squall:** I don’t get it.

**Sora:** It’s like sex.

**Squall:** Oh.

**Yuffie:** Point is, try using your _key_ to unlock chests and doors and stuff on account of how it’s a giant fucking _key._ Try it on that chest over there for funzies.

**Sora:** M’kay. *unlocks chest on table* Ooooh, an Elixir!

**Yuffie:** *has not changed position* Hey, cheer up! Think of this as an _adventure!_ Eh? Eh? Know what I mean? A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat! Eh?

**Squall:** Shut up and move on with the plot already.

**Sora:** Hang on, I wanna look at this painting of Bald Mountain that’s the only foreshadowing that exists that Chernabog will be a thing at the end of the game.

**Squall:** Enough of that. Sooner or later, the Heartless will find you. Not until you come talk to me, of course; in fact, if you’d never talked to me they never would’ve come. But you also never would’ve been able to leave the room despite that key that can open any door lock, but you know. You gotta be ready.

**Sora:** So ready to go?

**Squall:** No, to not die.

**Sora:** Oh. I can do that.

**Squall:** Okay. Yuffie, let’s go find Aerith. She should be wrapping up her own expositional dialogue section.

**Yuffie:** How do _we_ even know what’s going on…Ah shit, they got in!

**Soldier Heartless:** *materializes* Hey, do I look somewhat different than I should to you?

**Squall:** Yuffie, you’re naught but a useless female! Get out of here before you get hurt!

**Yuffie:** Bitch I’m a _fucking ninja!_ *goes anyway*

**Donald:** Apparently we were in the next room. *gets smashed into a wall as Yuffie bangs the door open*

**Aerith:** Imma run too, all I have is a stick!

**Squall:** Ready to kill everything, Sora? *hits Soldier out the window*

**Sora:** You bet your fine, fine ass! *runs out the door like a sane person*

**Goofy:** You okay, Donald?

**Donald:** *has been flattened* It’s funny because I’m a 2D cartoon.

**Goofy:** It’s actually not really that funny. Unless it caused you pain…? *trails off hopefully*

**Donald:** Not really, _I’m a cartoon._

**Goofy:** Gawrsh darn it!

**Squall:** Sora, don’t bother with the small fry. Find the leader! The boss, if you will! *runs off to kill things*

**Sora:** Uh-huh, whatever. *sticks around and levels up some more possibly maybe, returning to the Accessory Shop occasionally to save and heal up* Still nothing to add, Cid?

**Cid:** My ass itches.

**Sora:** Splendid. *goes back outside to talk to people who’re actually being useful

**Squall:** The First District is secure. If you run into trouble, come back here.

**Sora:** Awesome, I will _continue to do this._

**Squall:** We’ll guard the First District. Go check out the Second and Third Districts. Show us the power of the Keyblade.

**Sora:** …How can I show it to you if you’re all cowering back here. *talks to one of the girls*

**Aerith:** So you’re the Keyblade master…Please be careful. *gives Mega-Potion*

**Sora:** Thanks a lot!

**Aerith:** I hope they’re safe…

**Sora:** Who?

**Aerith:** I’m not telling, so there. *blows raspberry*

**Sora:** …OKAY THEN. *chats with Yuffie*

**Yuffie:** The First District is all clear, but I don’t know about the Third District…Ugh, if only these three really thin boards weren’t in the way!

**Sora:** You make me sad. *gets up to level 15 before heading over to the Third District again* …Why is there no background music for this area anymore?

**Goofy:** So we weren’t fucking around on the roof before but apparently after I unstuck Donald from the wall we _proceeded_ to fuck around on the roof while Sora got experience? I’m really confused now…Shit, more Soldiers. These must be the Heartless, and somehow they’re the first ones I’m fighting, because that makes sense. Actually maybe it does, maybe they were only attacking Sora earlier.

**Donald:** WHERE THE HELL DID I EVEN COME FROM.

**Donald and Goofy:** *try to attack and immediately fail*

**Donald:** Why don’t I know how to fly.

**Sora:** Oh shit, gotta avoid whatever this is—DAMN IT THIS IS THE SECOND TIME SOMEONE BROKE MY SPINE THIS WEEK.

**Donald and Goofy:** *are evidently unconscious until they see Sora’s Keyblade* Hey it’s that thing we’re contractually obligated to find!

**Heartless:** *somehow possess the ability to change the environment to prevent our heroes’ escape without resorting to invisible walls…They Earthbenders or what?*

**Sora:** Apparently we’re all fighting together now? *proceeds to murder everything*

**Donald and Goofy:** Sure. Why not. *proceed to suck at murdering everything*

**Donald in particular:** *almost immediately loses half his health*

**Sora:** *kills last Soldier* Okay, we done? We good?

**Guard Armor:** Not really. *appears and pieces itself together*

**Sora:** …For some reason I thought you’d be purple.

**Guard Armor:** For Final Mix, they changed the colors of all the non-jet-black Heartless in order to create the illusion that players who’ve already played vanilla aren’t playing the same game even though that’s exactly what they’re doing and they were already doing fine with the better controls and slight additional content.

**Sora:** Oh. Okay then. You guys up for this?

**Donald and Goofy:** Of course we are! Why would you doubt us?

**Sora:** Because your asses got handed to you easily by two normal Soldier Heartless so how the balls can I expect you to fight this big boss guy with any degree of competency.

**Donald and Goofy:** Shut up and let us do things!

**Sora:** One of you fights with a stick and one of you bashes things with a shield. How am I supposed to take either of you seriously.

**Goofy:** The best defense is offense that’s defensive.

**Sora:** What?!

**Donald:** The best offense is a good defense in case there’s offense.

**Guard Armor:** *dies at last, releasing a giant blue and purple heart that soars into the sky and fades into the night*

**Sora:** Huh, wonder where that glowing heart-shaped thing is going… *glances down at Keyblade* Eh, probably not important. *picks up Brave Warrior Accessory* This could come in handy… *turns to Donald and Goofy* So you guys were looking for me? I assume you explain offscreen?

**Donald and Goofy:** Yep!

**Goofy:** And we’d probably be dead if we hadn’t found you!

**Sora:** No arguments there…

**Donald:** And we really appreciate you being completely unfazed by us being giant talking animals who wear clothes!

**Sora:** I think I’m still in shock from my planet being destroyed so my brain might be shutting down a little.

**Donald:** Ah. That’s probably not healthy.

**Squall:** They too have been seeking the Main Character of the Story.

**Sora:** Where the fuck did you two come from.

**Yuffie:** Oh, we’ve been here this whole time.

**Sora:** And it didn’t occur to you to help in any way.

**Squall:** As a matter of fact, it did. We just didn’t bother.

**Sora:** …

**Goofy:** Hey, why don’t you come with us? Considering we’re supposed to be following you! But in case you’re unsure, we _can_ go to other dimensions and planets in time and space in our vessel!

**Sora:** Is your vessel bigger on the inside and is it blue and shaped like a police box?

**Donald:** No, that would be stupid.

**Sora:** Oh. Would you help me look for Riku and Kairi?

**Squall:** Jesus Christ, always with the Riku and Kairi. Next you’ll be asking everyone if they’ve seen a little girl or a dead wife.

**Yuffie:** Or a boat.

**Squall:** Ha.

**Donald:** Sure. Why not.

**Sora:** REALLY?!

**Goofy:** Really?

**Donald:** Probably not, but we need him to come with us anyway, so the hell with it.

**Sora:** …I can hear you.

**Squall:** *steps forward* Sora, go with them. Please, leave this place, we really don’t want you here anymore.

**Sora:** These guys really are an eyesore, aren’t they.

**Squall:** Them too, yes.

**Donald:** But you can’t come along looking like that, understand?

**Sora:** No, I don’t. In fact if it weren’t for the subtitles I would have no idea what you were saying.

**Donald:** No frowning and no sad faces. Got it?

**Goofy:** Yeah, you gotta not have depression or any other similar mental illness, or ever feel anything but happiness ever, like any Disney-run location expects you to feel!

**Donald:** *pushes Goofy out of his face* This ship runs on either actual genuine happiness or Stepford Smiles, it doesn’t really know the difference between the two.

**Sora:** I can do a Stepford Smile. Just fake it while hiding your real feelings, assuming you have any real feelings, until you probably go insane, right?

**Donald:** Exactly! It’s the healthiest thing in the world!

**Sora:** Okay, how’s this? *looks like an idiot*

**Donald and Goofy:** Good enough.

**Sora:** Okay, you guys have a ship that can go places and I have absolutely nothing, so what the hell?

**Yuffie:** Well actually, if you earn enough munny you could probably talk to Cid and—

**Squall:** *elbows her sharply in the side*

**Donald:** I’m Donald Duck!

**Sora:** Real original last name.

**Goofy:** Name’s Goofy!

**Sora:** Goofy Dog?

**Goofy:** Never call me that again or I’ll beat you to death with your own shoes! A-hyuk!

**Donald and Goofy:** *put their hands on top of each other* Apparently this is how we shake hands!

**Sora:** Seems dumb but whatever. Oh, I’m Sora, by the way.

**Donald:** Wasn’t that a girl’s name in _Digimon Adventure?_

**Sora:** Yeah, but she was cool, I don’t mind.

**Goofy:** And a filler character in _Naruto Shippuuden?_

**Sora:** Probably, who can even keep track anymore.

**Goofy:** Oh, we were in a Three Musketeers movie once, you’ll find out later why I’m referencing it now.

**Sora:** Can’t wait to not play that as I don’t have a 3DS.

**Donald:** Get a 2DS, it’s cheaper and doesn’t have the stupid gimmick.

**Sora:** Might do, might do… *puts his hand on top of the other two*

**Pluto:** *sniffing around behind a wall near them* Hey, a dark portal that clearly looks evil and dangerous! IMMA RUN INTO IT. *runs into it*

**Donald:** Did you hear something?

**Goofy:** Nope! It certainly wasn’t anything or anyone we could’ve forgotten about and callously never try to find after this moment! A-kyuk!

~And now we hang with cool people.~

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are now in a glowy green circle thing for some reason*

**Hades:** That little squirt managed to take down that Heartless! Who’d’ve thought it besides everyone! Also how is my hair not illuminating anything.

**Jafar:** Such is the power of the Keyblade. The child’s strength is not his own.

**Ursula:** Can I survive without any water for an extended period? Am I sitting in a bucket right now? And how about we just turn the kid into a Heartless? It’d solve everything until another Keyblade wielder shows up.

**Captain Hook:** And the brat’s acquaintances are the King’s servants! Swoggle me eyes, they’re all bilge rats by the look of them.

**Jafar:** Someone remind me why we invited him.

**Ursula:** To introduce sick flying mechanics.

**Jafar:** Ah.

**Oogie Boogie:** They’re better looking than you at least. I mean seriously, that hat with that coat? *cackles evilly*

**Captain Hook:** YOU’RE A FUCKING PILLOWCASE WITH BUGS!

**Oogie Boogie:** And still better than you, how ‘bout them apples!

**Maleficent:** Everyone shut up.

**This version of the Evil League of Evil:** *has the lesser villains all in the shadows except for their boss…usually it’s the other way around, that’s weird*

**Maleficent:** The Keyblade has chosen him to be the main character. Will it be he who manages to defeat us? Or will _we_ easily defeat him? Either way, he could be fun to mess with.

~And that was the point that I really started to love this game.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or the next time you're attacked by a giant suit of armor your "friends" will just stand there and watch and not try to help at all.** _


	6. Yeah I'm Doing This Shit First, What Of It.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still playing catch-up for the past couple weeks, don't mind me.
> 
> The Rather Long-ish List This Week Of Crap I Do Not Own: _Dragonball Z,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, _Legend of Korra,_ Pokémon ‘Bridged, _Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Producers,_ A Very Potter Musical, _A Song of Ice and Fire, Monty Python’s The Holy Grail,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Monty Python’s Life of Brian, The Princess Bride,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Yes we COULD leave now but I wanna do things.~

**Squall:** Make sure you buy a whole lotta shit that’ll prevent you from dying. We don’t know how far the Heartless have spread aside from absolutely every world there is.

**Yuffie:** Seriously, check out the two shops this planet has, they’ve got some pretty sick gear.

**Aerith:** I know you’re loaded already, but we still wanted to chip in a little. *gives him five hundred munny*

**Sora:** …Thanks, this’ll really add a lot to the OVER TEN THOUSAND MUNNY I ALREADY HAVE.

**Vegeta:** *crushes scouter* IT’S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!

**Nappa:** WHAT, NINE THOUSAND?!

**Sora:** …

**Vegeta and Nappa:** What?

**Sora:** *shakes head slowly*

**Aerith:** Just shut up and buy some more Potions. Oh, and Squall wanted me to give you an Elixir so he wouldn’t have to touch you.

**Squall:** Human contact burns my flesh, what do you want from me.

**Yuffie:** Now fuck off.

**Aerith:** I, for one, actually hope you’ll succeed.

**Squall:** *frowning intensely* Be sure to stay happy.

**Sora:** …I’ll do that.

**Donald:** The Gummi Ship is outside the doors that lead to nowhere over there. Also you can teleport directly to the ship using certain save points. Isn’t that radical.

**Sora:** IT ACTUALLY TOTALLY IS THAT IS AWESOME I’M SO GLAD I DECIDED TO TRAVEL WITH YOU GUYS FOR THIS REASON ONLY.

**Goofy:** Just wait ‘til you see the actual ship itself, you’ll be so confused and disappointed!

**Donald:** Hang on, I have to tell Sora how to set everything on fire.

**Sora:** I like this plan. I am a big fan of this plan.

**Donald:** Goofy, do the other thing.

**Goofy:** Gotcha! * _hands_ Sora the ability to Dodge Roll*

**Sora:** I have no idea how that worked but I’m sure I’ll utilize it forever and immensely regret not knowing it before.

**Goofy:** Abilities allow you to do all sorts of things. Which is like the definition of abilities. Guess we should look for ‘em along the way, huh?

**Sora:** …How the fuck do you look for _abilities._ Unless it’s like _Yakuza 4’s_ revelaitons, ‘cause I’d be _so_ down for that shit.

**Donald:** Iunno and probably not, now make sure we’re ready before we actually fuck off.

**Jiminy:** I’m here, too! Aren’t you going to introduce me?

**Donald:** Nope.

**Goofy:** Why would we?

**Jiminy:** Well I’m still going to follow all of you everywhere and chronicle your every move!

**Sora:** I feel like my privacy is being massively violated for some reason…So I still kinda wanna fuck around here for a bit, would you guys mind?

**Donald and Goofy:** Whatever.

**Goofy:** Hey, we doing the mailbox thing over there?

**Sora:** Yeah, I already have like four postcards, but I wanna wait till I have all ten so I can get a shitload of awesome items at once. Got the same plan going for the Dalmatians as well, actually, at least up until I get enough for a different sidequest to happen.

**Goofy:** Sounds awesome.

**Sora:** Hang on a sec…

**Random Pilgrim-looking guy:** It’s easy to get lost in such a big, sprawling place. Be careful.

**Sora:** Hey, you _are_ okay!

**Random pilgrim-looking guy:** Yyyyyep! Either that or the game makers got lazy with the character models.

**Sora:** Ah.

**Goofy:** Hey guys, c’mere and look at this blue mark with three hearts on a circle over here.

**Sora:** LET’S ALL JUMP AT THE SAME TIME WHILE STANDING AROUND IT FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!

**Donald and Goofy:** OKAY! *they all do the thing around the Blue Trinity, appearing on veranda thing on the building they were standing in front of*

**Sora:** …Did we just Apparate? *opens chest* Sick, another postcard!

**Goofy:** Those three Final Fantasy characters are directly below us. Think they have anything interesting to say?

**Sora:** I doubt it but let’s check it out. *jumps down*

**Yuffie:** How’s it going, guys?

**Aerith:** I hope you find your friends.

**Sora:** See, standard dialogue options—

**Squall:** I WANT YOU TO TRACK DOWN THE DALMATIAN PUPPIES BECAUSE PUPPIES ARE ADORABLE AND BRING JOY AND HAPPINESS TO ALL EVEN THOUGH DALMATIANS ARE RIDICULOUSLY DIFFICULT TO TRAIN AND HAVE ALL SORTS OF HEALTH ISSUES THEY’RE STILL COOL SO YOU SHOULD FIND THEM AND THINGS.

**Sora:** I already know about this side quest, dude, and I’m already gonna go on it no problem.

**Yuffie:** Squall’s a dog person, so, you know.

**Squall:** Call me Leon.

**Yuffie:** No one is going to do that no matter how much you ask.

**Aerith:** Sora, will you do this side quest?

**Sora:** I ALREADY SAID I WOULD, JESUS.

**Squall:** Do the thing.

**Sora:** *incoherent scream of rage*

**Yuffie:** Man, Squall’s adorable sometimes when he’s not an annoying piece of shit.

**Sora:** You should’ve met Tidus and Wakka.

**Yuffie:** I don’t know who these Tidus and Wakka are, but they sound mentally deficient.

**Aerith:** Please, find the puppies for Squall. Not for their parents, who cares what they think, just Squall.

**Sora:** Not a problem, I haven’t given a thought to my own parents’ fates since I got here, that’ll be a breeze.

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** …Good for you.

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** We’re leaving now. Oh hey, a chest! Can’t believe I missed it earlier! *tries to open it*

**Chest:** *will not open. There must be some secret to opening it*

**Sora:** Okay seriously, I have a magic key that can open any lock, why isn’t this working.

**Donald:** I think I heard the lady say we need to put it out with magic.

**Goofy:** Hey there, Donald, don’t you know Blizzard magic?

**Donald:** Sure do!

**Goofy:** Then why don’t you have a go at it?

**Donald:** Because I don’t like you very much!

**Goofy:** *sniff* That hurt my feelings.

**Donald:** Good.

**Sora:** Hey, I saw a giant keyhole beside the door between the First and Third Districts back when I was in Third, I think we should go unlock it for the sake of the rest of the town.

**Donald:** Well aren’t you a Mr. Goody Two-Shoes.

**Goofy:** He’s only wearing two? I thought he had different layers!

**Sora:** Ha ha, you coming or what.

**Donald and Goofy:** Shrug face.

**Sora, Donald and Goofy:** *go all the way to the Third District to unlock that one gate, enjoying the fact that there are no more monsters after boss fight, apparently*

**Gate:** I am unlocked.

**Sora:** Sweet…Hey, what’s with that door over there? It wouldn’t open before.

**Donald:** It looks like it’s got a red flame carved into it.

**Sora:** Well there’s only one logical thing to do now, isn’t there.

**Donald:** You got it!

**Sora and Donald:** SET FIRE TO THE BITCH!

**Goofy:** I suddenly regret hanging out with you two.

**Sora and Donald:** DID I EVER TELL YOU GUYS I’M A PYRO?!

**Goofy:** You know, we could’ve put this off until next time we got here.

**Sora:** I happen to like getting shit _done,_ if you don’t mind. FIYAH!

**Door:** OW MY FLESH! *opens*

**Mystical house in the middle of the pond beyond the door:** *looks like a small cylinder with a pink Gandalf hat on it. Never really noticed that before now*

**Sora:** *jumps precisely on each rock as it tries to move away, like a boss*

**Donald and Goofy:** *immediately fall into the water and fail to scramble onto dry land, refusing to go back to try again and instead following Sora all the time*

**Sora:** …And _you_ were the ones sent to help me, huh. Poop, the entrance is boarded up, since nothing says open for business like every entrance sealed…There’s a Yellow Trinity over there but I somehow psychically know we can’t use that one yet, and it probably leads to that chest over there or something, so…Ah! Hole in the wall! Perfect! Let’s blatantly trespass! Or I will, you two are still drowning so whatever…

**Donald:** Neat place.

**Goofy:** Could use a sofa.

**Sora:** WFT HOW DID YOU GUYS GET IN HERE.

**Kairi:** There’s something about this musty place…

**Sora:** …What the fuck.

**Kairi:** It reminds me of the secret place back home, only there are no drawings and the door is very obvious and you can’t see the sun if you go outside. Remember the drawings we did? Eh? Eh?

**Sora:** I can’t believe you’re here, Kairi!

**Goofy:** Sora, did Donald’s nephews give you a bad Potion? Who’re you talking to?

**Sora:** …I’m sorry, I just really miss my friend…I guess I wanted her to be here so badly…

**Donald:** Aw phooey, we got ourselves a nutjob.

**Goofy:** Shut up, Donald. I understand, Sora. Sometimes I look down and expect my son to look back up at me before reminding myself that he’s not there.

**Sora:** You have a _son?!_

**Goofy:** Yep! A-hyuk! And for some reason he’s never going to be featured in any of these games unless they shove him into KHII!

**Sora:** Oh, that sucks, I would’ve loved to meet him.

**Merlin:** WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN MY HOUSE.

**Sora:** Trespassing, dicking around, setting fire to doors, the usual.

**Merlin:** Oh, well that’s all right, then.

**Sora:** Are you a Heartless?

**Donald:** He looks more like one of the stronger Nobodies.

**Merlin:** Nah, I’m human.

**Goofy:** That’s exactly what a Nobody _would_ say! *takes out shield*

**Merlin:** _Silencio._ Name’s Merlin, they couldn’t be bothered to get a voice actor for me till KHII, and I can do magic better than any of you, as you can see. Was out on holiday, and I come back to see my place being invaded by filthy animals and — seriously, when’s the last time you cleaned those shoes, young man? _Scourgify._

**Sora:** Wow, thanks!

**Merlin:** In any case, your King has bullied me into helping you guys, so I guess I’ll have to do so.

**Goofy:** *can’t talk*

**Merlin:** Of _course_ King Mickey, how many kings do you know of?!

**Donald:** Well there’s King Triton, the dude from Cinderella, Mufasa and/or Scar since I'm not sure of the timeline right now—

**Merlin:** Shut up! I’m having a rhetorical conversation! Now I unfortunately know who you two are, but who are you, young man?

**Sora:** Sora.

**Merlin:** Brill. See you’ve FOUND the Key, good for you. Pegged you for a Gryffindor but I suppose you’d do fine in Hufflepuff.

**Sora:** Probably Gryffindor, considering. Ravenclaw, are you?

**Merlin:** Word of God says Slytherin, actually.

**Sora:** Huh, haven’t been on Pottermore in a while.

**Merlin:** YOU NEED TO. STUFF HAPPENED AT A COUPLE OF POINTS EVEN IF IT’S LARGELY BEEN A MASSIVE DISAPPOINTMENT.

**Sora:** As soon as I get to a computer I’ll be sure to get on that.

**Merlin:** Ah. That. Right. Never mind, then.

**Donald:** Can we get on with this? Why are you here and what did the King ask you to do?

**Merlin:** Hang on, I gotta do the whole "Higitus Figitus" crap without actually doing the song, so it’s not going to be nearly as entertaining.

**Sora:** Aww, that really blows. It would be so much better if the actual song played in the background. They got the music for The Little Mermaid, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Cinderella, Fantasia, probably others I forget right now, and freaking _Pirates of the Caribbean_ for Mickey's sake, so why not license all the Disney music for the rest of the Disney movies?

**Merlin:** *setting shit up* Bugger if I know. Also that somehow only took me a few seconds. Guess we wanted to skip what could’ve been an entertaining throwback.

**Donald:** Not a lot of people liked your movie. I only thought it was kind of all right, myself.

**Merlin:** Fair enough, I suppose. I apparently have a model rocket on my table, that’s hilarious. So I’m here to train you in magic, not that you’ll ever actually use me for that but there you have it.

**Donald:** Yeah, I could probably do that for you.

**Merlin:** Well if you want to, the option’s open.

**Sora:** Yeah I’m not gonna.

**Merlin:** Well poo on you. Oh, and see that model pumpkin carriage over there?

**Sora:** The one that’s sparkling like crazy and turning into an old woman right before my eyes?

**Merlin:** …Well yes.

**Fairy Godmother:** Hello, I’m the Fairy Godmother. Apparently I’m everyone’s fairy godmother. That Cinderella bitch thought she was such as special and unique snowflake when she was really the same hunk of organic matter as everyone else.

**Sora:** What kind of advanced Transfiguration was that? I’d love to learn that kind of crap!

**Fairy Godmother:** How _dare_ you insinuate that! I’m not a witch, witches are evil in Disney movies because women have no place doing what men like Merlin over there can do!

**Elsa:** *eyetwitch*

**Sora:** So what the hell does that make you then?

**Fairy Godmother:** I’ll have you know that I’m a fairy!

**Sora:** Uh-huh. Nice wings.

**Fairy Godmother:** YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

**Sora:** I’m sure I don’t. Seriously, I bet you weigh exactly the same as Donald here. Which probably means you’re made of wood.

**Fairy Godmother:** Look, do you want my help or not.

**Sora:** Not really, you won’t be very useful either.

**Fairy Godmother:** Well fuck you too, then.

**Merlin:** Now, now, everyone play nice.

**Goofy:** *making frantic gestures*

**Merlin:** Oh, right. _Finite._

**Goofy:** OH THANK MERLIN.

**Merlin:** You’re quite welcome.

**Donald:** Damn it, why couldn’t we have left him like that, his voice is so annoying!

**Sora:** …Hello Pot, my name is Kettle. You’re black.

**Donald:** Shaddup!

**Fairy Godmother:** My world has disappeared, too.

**Sora:** I’m sorry for your loss. So exactly how did you say you were gonna help us?

**Fairy Godmother:** My world has disappeared, too.

**Sora:** …

**Fairy Godmother:** My world has disappeared, too.

**Sora:** _Christ_ this woman is useless! *goes up to Merlin* Okay, we’ll go through training just this one time.

**Merlin:** Okay. Blast this shit until you get bored.

**Sora:** I’m bored. *goes up to the Fairy Godmother again*

**Fairy Godmother:** I’m so worried about Cinderella.

**Sora:** HOLY FUCK SHE SAID SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

**Goofy:** Yeah, can we leave? There is literally nothing of worth here except to get a couple advanced weapons when we bring them bullshit items much, much later in the game.

**Sora:** Agreed. *leads the way out where they all swim back to the mainland because fuck those rocks and head back to the First District* Wow, that was so much more convenient.

**Moogle:** That ladder on the Gizmo Shop’s been repaired, I think. You guys should check out the view, kupo! And by check out the view I mean grab another postcard!

**Sora:** Done and done. Question though, why do you guys call it a shop when you plainly have nothing to sell?

**Moogle:** …My friends live above the accessory shop and we create rare items and shit, kupo.

**Sora:** Why do I talk to people? Oh, Donald, those kids in the item shop, they related to you?

**Donald:** Wak?! What are you talking about?! *runs into the item shop* THE BALLS ARE YOU THREE DOING HERE?!

**Louie:** Hey there! Um…What do you want? Um, what am I supposed to ask? Oh, yeah. Do you wanna buy, or sell?

**Donald:** THE FUCK’S UP WITH THIS SHIT.

**Louie:** I usually clean, so I’m not used to dealin’ with customers.

**Huey:** Louie does an okay job as long as we keep an eye on him.

**Dewey:** I did all of the cleaning today. I dare you to find one speck of dust. Uncle Donald, bow about helpin’ us clean the shop?

**Donald:** Not until you explain what you’re doing and how three very young children came to own a fucking supply store.

**Dewey:** Aw, c’mon!

**Sora:** “Uncle” Donald? You have siblings?

**Donald:** It’s not a hundred percent clear.

**Sora:** Gimme a shitton of Ethers and all the weapons you got.

**Louie:** Sick, here you go.

**Sora:** Thanks. Now please take these Pretty Stones off my hands.

**Louie:** Oooooh, preeeeettyyyyy…

**Sora:** Seriously, you guys need some shit, let’s go to Cid’s place. *goes to Cid’s place*

**Cid:** Things have been disappearing from the shop recently.

**Sora:** That’s called people buying things.

**Cid** : And these noises I keep hearing…A buncha screams and the sounds of people fightin’…Man!

**Sora:** …Glad you’re doing so much to help out. Now gimme shit.

**Cid:** Okay.

**Sora:** We will now piss off.

**Cid:** How shall you piss off, O Lord?

**Sora:** Space travel, apparently.

**Cid:** Nice. Have fun stormin’ the castle!

**Goofy:** Can we go _now?_

**Sora:** Fine, fine. *exits the gates* …Did I just teleport directly onto the ship, what the hell.

**Chip:** The green cursor presumably on the dashboard in front of you shows your current position.

**Sora:** WHY IS A CHIPMUNK TALKING TO ME. Also why are they explaining to me how shit works when it’s most likely Donald who’s driving.

**Donald:** I _am_ driving, I don’t know why this is happening either!

**Dale:** You can somehow psychically see how strong the enemies are before you land so you know which ones to avoid until you’re stronger.

**Sora:** Okay…That one looks weaker I guess, let’s go there.

**Donald:** DID YOU KNOW WE TRAVEL TO DIFFERENT PLACES ON THIS SHIP?!

**Sora:** Oh no, they’re stuck in tutorial mode. How will we make it through?!

**Goofy:** Heartless also know how to fly spaceships. Who knew. Oh and all this is somehow being recorded, I don’t know if by Jiminy or what.

**Sora:** Who?

**Goofy:** No one important, don’t worry about it.

**Donald:** For some reason I’m telling you it’s important to do all the things on each planet. Which is why I want to skip an entire planet later on.

**Goofy:** DONALD’S DRIVING, WHY AM I TEACHING YOU HOW TO DRIVE.

**Donald:** WHY AM I HELPING YOU. Though you should know that if our health reaches zero, it’s back to the starting point.

**Sora:** Funny, I expected us to be _dead_ if we were shot that many times.

**Donald:** Nope, we just teleport back to the starting point and magically heal and start all over again.

**Sora:** Oh. Okay then. Um…Question.

**Goofy:** Yeah?

**Sora:** …I get asteroids and weird space formations and picking up items dropped from evil enemy ships, I really do. But why are there giant floating purple squares and friggin' _hoola hoops_ in space?

**Donald:** I…Hm…

~No I am NOT spending more time on the Gummi routes than I already have to just by playing the game.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or I'll pointlessly wander around Traverse Town some more. Oh noes.** _


	7. NO WE CAN'T INTERFERE oh okay whatever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Fair Amount Of Shit I Don't Own: The actual _Alice in Wonderland_ and _Through the Looking Glass_ books, _Monty Python’s The Holy Grail, Harry Potter,_ Two Best Friends Play/Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Doctor Who, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog, Monty Pthon’s Flying Circus, PT,_ None Piece, Attack on Titan Abridged, _The Legend of Korra,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~When you disembark onto Wonderland, how they get off the ship and are suddenly falling through a bottomless pit for seemingly no reason/transition/context whatsoever?~

**Sora:** At least in the manga it showed us by a tree and falling into the hole. Well, at least we seem to be slowing down and spinning.

**Goofy:** And I’m the only one who didn’t land on my feet! A-kyuk!

**Donald:** Does it really matter whether or not we slowed down? It’s not like we take fall damage in this game anyway.

**Sora:** Good point.

**White rabbit:** Oh my fur and whiskers! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!

**Sora:** No you’re not, that watch is like two days slow anyway, you’ve probably got plenty of time!

**White rabbit:** ONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING CAN UNDERSTAND NOTHING. I WILL LITERALLY BE KILLED IF I’M NOT THERE TEN WEEKS AGO.

**Sora:** *snorts* You mean figuratively, right? I mean, it’s not like you’ll actually be killed—

**White rabbit:** There were seventeen executions the past four days! You never know who’ll be next!

**Sora:** …Y-You should probably get going, then…

**Goofy:** What an eccentric performance.

**Sora:** Welp, this hallway’s weird. Nowhere to go but forward, I guess…Donald, why do you keep jumping up and down?

**Donald:** The AI in this game was never the greatest.

**Sora:** Huh. You’d think they would’ve updated that. *goes down the hallway*

**Three doors:** *all open from one doorway*

**Sora:** Cute. *goes through and sees the White Rabbit disappear through that door with the talking doorknob thing* …Is there a shrink ray in here or did the rabbit cast _reducio_ on himself?

**Donald:** The hell do you figure he even knows that spell?

**Sora:** You’re a talking duck with magical powers, he’s a talking rabbit. I assumed there was a correlation.

**Doorknob:** There isn’t one. And the real question is why are you so big.

**Sora:** …I do not remember you from the books.

**Donald:** HOLY SHIT A TALKING DOORKNOB.

**Sora:** You seriously have no room to talk.

**Doorknob:** *yawns through his keyhole of a mouth* Do shut the fuck up, I’m trying to sleep here.

**Goofy:** *hits pots and pans he miraculously found*

**Doorknob:** You make me sad.

**Sora:** So how do we shrink?

**Doorknob:** Cold shower should take care of it. See that? You see what I did there?

**Sora:** Yeah, you made a joke about dicks. I get it. I understood that joke.

**Doorknob:** Now turn around so you can see a table and chair suddenly materialize out of the floor, possibly at my command or something. There’s a Shrinking Solution there, and no it won’t reduce you to infancy, it’ll actually shrink you like the name fucking suggests.

**Sora:** Thank you kindly. It’s always good to drink a mysterious substance after being told its effects by a complete and total stranger. Now which one — Oh, hold up, got a prompt that wants me to push this bed into the wall.

**Goofy:** …Why?

**Sora:** I guess to get to the area behind it even though we’re trying to get through this door here, Iunno. *pushes bed into wall* …And I’m still questioning weird-ass things that happen after this world. I should be desensitized to EVERYTHING considering we started in fucking _Wonderland._ I definitely shouldn’t be questioning talking _gargoyles_ after this place…

**Donald:** Fuck this. *down Shrinking Solution* …Why did we all just shrink at the same time.

**Sora:** I’m not sure—SHIT, HEARTLESS.

**Red Nocturns:** We are your first flying enemies!

**Sora:** That’s nice, now you’re dead enemies.

**Goofy:** We’re gonna have to fight them everywhere we go, aren’t we.

**Donald:** That _is_ the basic plot of this story, yes.

**Sora:** Okay, let’s go talk to the door again.

**Doorknob:** Snore.

**Goofy:** I don’t think it really wants to talk.

**Sora:** Well in that case, there’s only one thing to do: KILL IT WITH FIRE. *uses Fire*

**Doorknob:** Snore.

**Sora:** …What the fuck.

**Goofy:** Doesn’t his mouth resemble a keyhole?

**Sora:** You appear to be right.

**Goofy:** So shouldn’t you try to use your key that opens any lock on it?

**Sora:** That’s stupid, and you’re stupid for making me think of it. And now I’m stupid.

**Goofy:** Well you didn’t really need help with that—

**Sora:** Oh that’s just—

**Goofy:** Hey look, I see a small box thing up on the fireplace!

**Sora:** Let’s see…We could take the orange bottle to grow big again and go grab it…or we could just leave it there, I’m sure it’s not important anyway.

**Donald:** There is a hole in the wall that you just shoved the bed into the wall to get to. Should we just go through it already?

**Sora:** Well now you’re just being silly. *goes through anyway* …There are a lot of random anthropomorphic cards here.

**Cards:** …Who exactly are we parting for, we weren’t exactly expecting you here. It’s just a dramatic reveal to no one.

**Alice:** I exist.

**White Rabbit:** Maybe they were heralding me, who even knows. *blows trumpet* Court is now in session!

**Alice:** You mean this trial-like setup indicated that some sort of _trial_ was taking place?!

**White Rabbit:** Her Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, presiding!

**Sora:** You know, lots of people mistake the title of this series as Kingdom of Hearts. Would she be the queen of that kingdom, do you think? And are all the Princesses of Heart her daughters considering most of them appear to be motherless anyway?

**Donald:** Please stop applying logic, your theories are terrifying.

**Queen of Hearts:** THIS IS ALL THIS GIRL’S FAULT BECAUSE I SAY SO.

**Alice:** That’s not fair!

**Sora:** …Painting everyone’s mother as the villain for all time. Way to go, Disney…

**Goofy:** I think you’re reading too much into it.

**Sora:** I don’t really think I am.

**Queen of Hearts:** Have you anything to say in your defense?

**Alice:** Of course! I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and I have the right to counsel, why don’t I have anyone to defend me? You’re less of a monarch and more of a dictator, you know that?

**White Rabbit:** I am peeing my shit over here.

**Queen of Hearts:** SILENCE, FOOLISH FOOL! HOW DARE YOU ALLOW YOUR SHIRT TO CLIP THROUGH YOUR APRON LIKE THAT!

**Alice:** It’s an up-scaled PS2 game, let it go!

**Queen of Hearts:** And now you quote _Frozen?_ Do you have any idea how tired people are of that song?!

**Alice:** Oh for fuck’s sake, it was an oft-used phrase before they made a song out of it, you know! And besdes, KHIII’s probably getting pushed back to add a level in Arendelle and you know it!

**Queen of Hearts:** IT’S GONNA BE IN THE NEXT SPINOFF ON THE VITA OR WHATEVER NEW HANDHELD COMES OUT NEXT THAT PEOPLE HAVEN’T BOUGHT YET AND _YOU_ KNOW IT!

**Alice:** Ah shit, you’re probably totally right…

**Sora:** My saving-people-thing’s kicking in. We should go help her, you guys.

**Donald:** No we shouldn’t!

**Goofy:** We’d be inferring, and that would fuck up the movie continuities!

**Donald:** Interfering, dumbass.

**Goofy:** All of this _is_ technically supposed to be fixed points in each movie’s own special continuity, so we can’t really do anything to stop it.

**Sora:** You mean aside from the part where Alice was in an actual courtroom in the movie and now they’ve moved all the furniture out to the garden that was actually supposed to be behind the talking doorknob and not some random hole in a wall?

**Goofy:** Exactly!

**Sora:** If this gets bad, I’m interfering.

**Donald:** Go ahead. Try it. See what happens.

**Queen of Hearts:** You are charged with assault and the attempted theft of my heart—

**Sora:** Hold on a minute! Did you just charge her with sexual assault?

**Queen of Hearts:** So what if I did?

**Sora:** She’s what, seven?

**Alice:** Seven-and-a-half, thank you very much!

**Queen of Hearts:** You are guilty as charged and are sentenced to death by firing squad. Off you go, pip pip.

**Alice:** Ah, poop.

**Sora:** *interferes*

**Donald and Goofy:** *instantly follow him instead of protesting or trying to hold him back*

**Queen of Hearts:** The fuck are you freaks? Your shoes offend me. You shall be hung by the neck until dead.

**Sora:** Don’t you want to know who really tried to steal your heart?

**Goofy:** I’m not sure why I’m not telling her about the Heartless, since we’re already interfering; she’s the leader of her kingdom, she should know about any potential threats to her and hers.

**Sora:** I’m not saying it was aliens…

**Donald and Goofy:** But it was aliens.

**Sora:** Anyway, she’s not the droid you’re looking for. She can go about her business. Move along.

**Queen of Hearts:** I’m a Toydarian! Mind tricks don’t work on me! Only proof that I may or may not ignore depending on my mood!

**Goofy:** Why…Why the prequels, why…

**Donald:** We were doing fine, but she…she really is a villain…

**Alice:** The hell did you get this convenient birdcage?

**Queen of Hearts:** That’s enough voice acting for right now. Bring me evidence of Alice’s innocence or be guillotined. Which might be the method I use to kill you anyway because I just don’t like any of you, really. Gather as much or little evidence as you please, you’ll still learn Blizzard either way.

**Sora:** Well that’s convenient to know. *goes up to talk to Alice*

**Ace of Spades:** *insert song* Do not speak to the defendant!

**Sora:** *speaks to the defendant*

**Ace of Spades:** Oh you bitch.

**Alice:** *height wise, considering Sora’s around fourteen or so, could actually be seven and a half, who knows* Who are you? Oh, I’m Alice, by the way.

**Sora:** I’m Sora.

**Goofy:** I’m Goofy, and that there’s Donald.

**Alice:** Pleased to meet you, though I do wish it were under better circumstances. I’m sorry you got mixed up in this nonsense.

**Sora:** Why are you on trial in the first place?

**Alice:** I should like to know the very same thing! Apparently I was guilty the moment I took the stand!

**Sora:** That’s crazy!

**Queen of Hearts:** I can hear you, you know. Do you want me to extend your sentences?

**Donald:** What sentences, we’re already been sentenced to death.

**Sora:** So where are you from?

**Alice:** Hmm, curious. I can’t quite remember. You see, I found this mysterious rabbit hole. When I tried to peak inside, I tumbled head over heels…And I found myself here.

**Sora:** So you’re from another world!

**Goofy:** That’s funny. Maybe you don’t need a ship, then.

**Donald:** I should be telling both of you to shut up since any of these cards could be listening and we’re not supposed to talk about this kind of crap, but instead I’ll just say that I don’t get it.

**Alice:** What do you mean, “another world?”

**Ace of Spades:** STFU, motherfuckers. You wanna get arrested for loitering or what?

**Sora:** That’s, like, the dumbest thing to get arrested for.

**Alice:** I’m currently regretting my curiosity. I tried asking this Cheshire Cat how to get home, but he told me to see the Queen. Fat lot of good that did me. Bitch refuses to listen to any kind of logic whatsoever. I should like to keep my head. Why, if my head and body became separated, nothing I eat would reach my stomach!

**Sora:** …I like her.

**Donald:** You would.

**Two of Hearts:** Hurry up already, don’t keep the Queen waiting.

**White rabbit:** *is not wearing the proper outfit for this particular scene* Before you sits the royal majesty, the noble Queen of Hearts. Somehow she’s not classified as the designated villain of this world in this version of the KH universe. She is always right and no one has ever questioned her judgment at a trial. Probably because they know she’d dish out a harsher sentence if anyone went against her…

**Queen of Hearts:** GO AND GET THE SHIT ALREADY. HOW DARE YOU GO AROUND TRYING TO GATHER INFORMATION.

**Sora:** All right, Merlin…

**Two of Spades:** I did see someone suspicious…

**Sora:** Oh really? Maybe you can help us—

**Two of Spades:** You.

**Sora:** …Well you suck.

**Two of Spades:** Why should I help you, anyway?

**Sora:** Because altruism is a wonderful thing?

**Two of Spades:** There’s no such thing and you know it.

**Sora:** Yeah…

**Two of Spades:** You shouldn’t have gotten involved. You’re wasting your time.

**Donald:** Told you!

**Goofy:** Shut up, Donald.

**Ten of Spades:** *is the only card that seems halfway decent…probably because he’s guarding the entrance to the garden furthest from the queen* Don’t anger the Queen, she’s really scary. Trust me, you do not want to get on her bad side. No one defies the queen and keeps his head. *sighs heavily* I just want this whole thing to end.

**Sora:** Me too, man, me too. *saves and enters the Lotus Forest* …Well this place is fucking weird.

**Cheshire Cat:** You’re just saying that because my head’s floating in mid-air.

**Sora:** Oh, sorry, I amend my previous statement, this place is _completely_ normal. -_-

**Cheshire Cat:** *is standing on his head, literally* GEDDIT? DO YA GEDDIT?!

**Donald:** Oh I get it.

**Goofy:** I don’t get it.

**Donald:** The fuck are you, anyway?

**Cheshire Cat:** Who indeed?

**Donald:** Was intending for ‘what’ actually, but whatever, I guess.

**Cheshire Cat:** Poor Alice. Soon to lose her intestines, and not guilty of a thing!

**Sora:** Well if you know that, why aren’t you helping her?

**Cheshire Cat:** Because I enjoy messing with people’s heads and it gives you an excuse to level up and fight shit if you do all my work for me.

**Sora:** …Are you a villain?

**Cheshire Cat:** Oh, just because in the manga the Evil League of Evil offered me a position that automatically makes me a bad guy, does it?

**Goofy:** Generally speaking, yeah.

**Cheshire Cat:** FUCK YOU I’M INVISIBLE NOW.

**Sora:** Are you gonna give us any useful information or not?!

**Cheshire Cat:** Gah, fine. The four pieces of evidence are all in the Bizarre Room, but you have to look for them in different areas of said room and no you can’t turn large again to just pick them up easily, that would be logical and this is fucking Wonderland.

**Donald:** I thought it was Underland.

**Cheshire Cat:** …Get the fuck out. *leaves in disgust*

**Sora:** Nice going, dickweed.

**Heartless:** WAZZUP!

**Sora:** FUCK you guys.

**Goofy:** The Cheshire Cat was lying, there’s a box with footprints in them right the fuck here.

**Sora:** Okay, that’s three to go then?

**Donald:** Yay. Fetch quests. Woo-hoo.

**Sora:** There’s an antenna on this raised…lily pad?...on the other side of the area as well. All in these convenient little pink boxes! And there’s a treasure chest over there, wonder what’s inside…

**Chest:** Found Dalmatians. Puppies 16, 17, and 18 have returned home.

**Sora:** OH GOD WHY ARE THESE PUPPIES SHOVED INTO SUCH A SMALL BOX LIKE THIS. THIS IS SO FUCKING AWFUL, PETA WILL EXPLODE WHEN THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THIS.

**A single Shadow:** *guards another entrance into the Bizarre Room*

**Sora:** Well that was pathetic. *goes through the hole in the tree and falls onto the stove attached to the fireplace somehow* And that was _bizarre._ Heh, heh heh, geddit?

**Donald:** HOLY SHIT MY WARHAMMER IS PHASING RIGHT THROUGH THE BRICKS OF THE FIREPLACE WHAT THE FUCK.

**Goofy:** How does one store _stench_ into a box.

**Sora:** I don’t know. But now we have to fight our way though to another entrance, yeah?

**Donald:** Looks like. This is gonna get old fast…

**Flower back in the Lotus Forest:** Gimme a Potion and I’ll make you bigger.

**Donald:** Fucking spam messages…

**Sora:** I love spam! I love having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam! *gives Flower a Potion*

**Flower:** *makes Sora normally sized again*

**Tree stump:** Why don’t you get on?

**Sora:** …Tell me you guys heard that too.

**Goofy:** I did, and I really don’t see how 204863 can be spelled out as Jareth, that’s the one thing I didn’t understand…

**Donald:** I’m up to my tits in morons.

**Tree stump:** See ya.

**Extra lily pad:** *rises*

**Sora:** *head tilt* …Okay…? *hits the tree because he can, then eats the random fruit in order to shrink. Again, remember kids, always eat strange fruits that you just find, _especially_ if you can hear them talking to you* I wanna check that room in the treetops in the back. *checks the room in the treetops in the back* …What’s the point of this shelf? The nice view? *goes where he’s supposed to go*

**Correct route:** *sends them on top of the faucet that’s sticking out of the wall for no reason, with a shelf with another clue beyond it*

**Sora:** *cheerfully knocks Donald off the faucet to his death in order to jump to the box*

**Goofy:** *apparently dies as well*

**Sora:** Phew, now that that’s over with… *opens the box and finds claw marks. Somehow*

**Cheshire Cat:** *Apparates onto the faucet* Well, look what you’ve found. For that, your friends live again.

**Sora:** DAMN IT. Least we can save Alice now…

**Cheshire Cat:** I somehow doubt that. But here, for this you get to learn Blizzard early. You would’ve learned it eventually but, like, after the boss fight. *Disapparates*

**Sora:** Well this is way more convenient. C’mon, let’s go save Alice. *goes back to save the Princess. I’m actually not kidding*

**Ace of Hearts:** Are you ready to move on with the story?

**Sora:** Sure.

**Ace of Hearts:** ‘Bout fucking time. Counsel, step up to the podium.

**Alice:** Oh sure, _now_ I get a counsel…

**Queen of Hearts:** Show me your shit.

**Sora:** Here you go. All four boxes.

**Queen of Hearts:** Wow, that’s pretty good. Now to add my own crap to the mix because I loathe you and to mix it up. I don’t really feel like checking all of them so I’ll let you decide. Have fun with this luck puzzle!

**Sora:** Ah, fuck this!

**Queen of Hearts:** WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE, YOU SHRIMP-DICK FUCK NUGGET!

**Sora:** I’m sick of playing your games!

**Queen of Hearts:** You should understand by now that my opinion and my orders are the only things that matter in this world! It’s the oldest rule in the book!

**Goofy:** Then it ought to be number one.

**Sora:** …Middle one.

**Middle box:** *opens, showing Donald and Goofy*

**Sora:** OH OF ALL THE UNDERHANDED—

**Queen of Hearts:** KILL THEM ALL!

**Cards:** WE SHALL GIVE YOU ALL PAPER CUTS AND THEN POUR LEMON JUICE ON THE PAPER CUTS!

**Sora:** YOU _MONSTERS!_

**Random contraption:** *magically appears*

**Alice:** My birdcage has been lifted for some reason!

**Sora:** Damn it! *focuses on bringing Alice back down and only really hitting the cards by accident. Also you can apparently go up and attack the Queen. I did not know this and still won’t bother with it because nah* WOW that’s a lot of munny. Was this entire structure just made of munny or what?

**Birdcage:** *is lowered and shown to be empty*

**Donald:** Me and Goofy are free now, apparently. But Alice must’ve gotten kidnapped while we were fighting.

**Sora:** While _we_ were fighting?!

**Queen of Hearts:** CARDS! Find the one who’s behind this! I don’t care how! Even if all of you stick to this location and don’t move from your usual posts, if that’s what it takes to find them then so be it!

**Cards:** SIR YES SIR! *go back to doing what they were doing*

**Queen of Hearts:** You three too, apparently! Quit dawdling and do the thing!

**Sora:** Not a problem!

**Donald:** Wait, we’re actually going with this?

**Sora:** Yep! We’re gonna save Alice! And _not_ take her back to the Queen.

**Goofy:** Oh, I get it!

**Donald:** I don’t get it.

~Hopefully it won’t take the ENTIRE REST OF THE GAME to save her!~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or your friends'll knock you off a giant faucet to your death at the first opportunity.** _


	8. This Is The Chapter All About How The Bizarre Room Got Flip-Turned Upside-Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Usual List Of Crap I Don’t Own:** Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Once Upon A Time, Once Upon A Time In Wonderland, Doctor Who,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Harry Potter, Firefly, The Simpsons,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~But first! Hanging around and talking to people!~

**Ace of Spades:** I just looked away for two minutes in order to fight you, and she was gone…The queen is furious. We must find Alice quickly. If we don’t find her, the Queen will tear us all in half. _I_ might be next!

**Sora:** Yes I will find her while you stand around and do nothing. Real strong sense of self-preservation you got there.

**Ace of Hearts:** Without a defendant, there’s no trial.

**Sora:** …Very astute of you.

**Ace of Hearts:** Find Alice and bring her here! Failure will not be tolerated.

**Sora:** Oh really? What’ll you do if I don’t?

**Ace of Hearts:** We will continue standing around and repeat the same dialogue over and over!

**Sora:** Oh no, I’m so afeared.

**Two of Hearts:** I say exactly the same thing as the Ace. I’M SUPER USEFUL, YOU GUYS!

**Sora:** Oy vey.

**Two of Spades:** Where did that girl disappear to? Keep looking. She can’t have gone to an entire separate planet on the far end of the universe!

**Sora:** …

**Two of Spades:** Hurry, or you, too, will incur the queen’s wrath.

**Sora:** You mean like how I just did and beat all of you?

**Two of Spades:** This is no time for idle chatter. Find her!

**Sora:** *idly chats some more*

**Two of Spades:** Oh you bitch.

**White Rabbit:** The queen has spoken. Find Alice at once! Court is in recess for the rest of time since the girl will never be found. The queen demands immediate satisfaction.

**Sora:** …Oh I get it.

**Donald:** I don’t get it.

**Goofy:** It’s like sex.

**Queen of Hearts:** Quit dawdling! Find Alice at once! You’re not hiding anything from me, are you?

**Sora:** I actually really hate long walks on the beach, ‘s why I wanted to leave the islands.

**Queen of Hearts:** You’re in my life. Please leave.

**Sora:** Okay. *goes into the Lotus Forest again*

**Giant rock:** *falls from the sky*

**Cheshire Cat:** *appears on top of it* Hello, I exist again. Although maybe I always existed…maybe I’m everywhere…

**Sora:** Yeah that’s great, have you seen Alice?

**Cheshire Cat:** Beings of pure light? No. Evil beings of darkness? Yes!

**Goofy:** Where’d they go?

**Cheshire Cat:** They’ve been making the Bizarre room get flipped turned upside down for no reason other than to be “weird.”

**Sora:** …I don’t remember that happening in either the book or any of the adaptations that I have seen, and that includes _Once Upon a Time in Wonderland._

**Cheshire Cat:** You actually _watched_ that?

**Sora:** Yeah, and I feel that if they occasionally acknowledged that when the green screen is showing a _sunny_ location then the actors should have been lit as such, the show would’ve looked a lot better and possibly done slightly better. Also I was admittedly getting sick of the usual OUaT formula of episodes being half-flashback by that point anyway, but that might’ve been just me. As it is…Eh, I enjoyed the acting.

**Donald:** Says every fan of _Doctor Who_ these days.

**Goofy:** Hey, a lot of episodes were legitimately good, and “Listen” was especially spectacular.

**Donald:** “Kill the Moon.”

**Goofy:** …Fuck it, you win.

**Donald:** Always do.

**Cheshire Cat:** ANYWAY! Go and kill Heartless in the flipped turned upside-down room. Is the point of me talking to you. Then light shit up to make the shadows go away.

**Sora:** But the more light, the bigger the shadow, it’s like the first thing I learned in the whole game!

**Cheshire Cat:** Which will generate a boss fight so you can _leave._ *leaves*

**Sora:** Ohhh…

**Large Body:** I’M GONNA WRECK IT!

**Sora:** Oh good. These guys. *kills them all, then gives another potion to the flower so he can push the rock into the water and cause even more lily pads to rise, then shrinks again and hops over, killing more shit before arriving in the Queen’s Garden again* Ooooh, a chest!

**Chest:** Found Dalmatians. Puppies no. 13, no. 14, and no. 15 returned home!

**Goofy:** I’m pretty sure that fifteen and lower had names…

**Sora:** Goofy, you’re a dog, why aren’t you more upset about this?

**Goofy:** Prob’ly because shut up.

**Sora:** … *finally checks out some more bizarre features of the Bizarre Room* This really looks like the story all about how this room got flipped turned upside down. Or on its side, whichever. 

**Heartless:** HEY HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO LEVEL UP RIGHT NOW!

**Sora:** More than you’d think, but less than you’d hope. *kills ‘em all*

**Overturned bucket:** Conglaturations, I am now three dimensional.

**Sora:** …Fuck it, I don’t care anymore. *jumps onto the bucket, runs to the other side of the fireplace, and kills more dudes, then bashes faucet so it starts pouring water into the floor, making a clay pot rise out of it and exist as a thing* This place makes no fucking sense, how am I ever confused by anything ever again.

**Goofy:** And it looks like the pot’s now a portal to the Queen’s area thing again!

**Sora:** Of course it is, why wouldn’t it be. Hey, a chest. The fuck’s a Meteor-G.

**Donald:** Gummi part.

**Sora:** …We just find them everywhere?

**Donald:** Yyyyep.

**Sora:** …Let’s just keep moving.

**Goofy:** I think there’s a room at the back of the Lotus Forest we haven’t tried yet.

**Sora:** M’kay. Oh, it’s the tea party area from that one scene from the movie.

**Sign:** A very merry unbirthday!

**Sora:** Seriously, why isn’t that the background version for this world.

**Sign:** Sit down to get your reward.

**Sora:** Hmm, trap or prizes…FUCK IT’S BOTH. *collects items AND murders all of the things* I see chests everywhere, how am I supposed to get them?

**Goofy:** By flying, probably.

**Sora:** Okay, Donald, get up there.

**Donald:** I can’t fucking fly!

**Sora:** Then what is the point of you.

**Goofy:** I’d suggest we’d stack on top of each other but we haven’t unlocked the ability to do that yet and we can only use it in certain spaces anyway, otherwise this game would actually make sense and that just can’t happen.

**Sora:** I hate all of you. *backtracks to the Lotus Forest* WHAT THE FUCK, MUSHROOMS.

**Donald:** Yeah, cast magic on them for tech points and random items that you can either give to Merlin for shit weapons or mutate into good items and better weapons.

**Sora:** …Okay…So shivering means I should set them on fire and sweating means I should give them hypothermia?

**Donald:** Exactly!

**Sora:** Good to know. *does the thing, then finds a way to get into a different section of the Bizarre Room* Yay, another wall is the floor for some reason. *kills Heartless upon Heartless, accidentally destroying a shelf in the process* OH NO I KILLED A TEDDY BEAR. And now a book is 3D for some reason. Why not. *looks at oil lamps in the wall/floor* Hmm, that Cat said to light shit if we wanna see the final boss, so… *lights lamps*

**Lamp #1:** *gives you a Defense Up*

**Sora:** Sick. *immediately uses on himself because why would you give ANY of that shit to Donald and Goofy ever*

**Pat from the Super Best Friends Zaibatsu:** Now here’s the thing I never understood. In all these RPGs where they give you these items which is a, uh, static boost to a character’s attributes, why would you ever — ever ever — use it on anyone but the main character, considering the main character will always be in your party.

**Lamp #2:** *opens a portal to another place in Wonderland in the form of a painting that _actually resembles a scene from the movie._ Slightly. Better than nothing*

**Sora:** Hey, this is that place we couldn’t get to before I don’t think maybe.

**Donald:** Looks cut off completely, actually.

**Sora:** Huh.

**Goofy:** Sora, why do you keep giving all the flowers we see different items? Even rare ones like that Elixir you should probably hang onto and use on yourself and not throwing away on random plant life?

**Sora:** *pockets Mythril Shard and 115 munny* Because they tell me to and ‘cause I get cool shit in return?

**Goofy:** …They…talk to you.

**Sora:** …No.

**Donald:** But you just said—

**Sora:** It was the wind.

**Goofy:** The wind that doesn’t exist since this isn’t really a forest as much as a painted room?

**Sora:** Yes.

**Donald and Goofy:** …

**Sora:** *jumps back through the portal before they can question him again and goes all the way back to the Bizarre Room proper*

**iheartmwpp:** This game relies so heavily on mashing the X button that I was leveling up in the Lotus Forest and barely even paying attention that I focused in on the screen again and Donald’s fucking DEAD. And I have four potions on me and I don’t give him a single one because fuck Donald.

**Sora:** *grows again* Hey, there’s a Mythril Shard in this otherwise uninteresting, unimportant, and thoroughly unpopular book. *puts _The Book Thief_ back down* I WONDER WHAT’LL HAPPEN IF I MOVE THIS TEDDY BEAR FROM ONE CHAIR TO THE OTHER. *moves teddy bear from one chair to another*

**Bunny clock:** *is now 3D*

**Sora:** *moves it aside* …Did I just unlock another entrance to somewhere? *goes through* Oh, it’s just the Tea Party area again. With a door I haven’t looked through yet…Hey, Dark Matter! This looks safe, this looks great. *goes into last door*

**Cheshire Cat:** Well done. The ceiling is now straight up the floor. They’re hiding somewhere. *clears throat*  
‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves  
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:  
All mimsy were the borogoves,  
And the mome raths outgrabe.

**Sora:** Referencing the original material is funny. Good thing to know we’ll either be fighting the Jabberwocky or the Bandersnatch, that’ll be interesting.

**Cheshire Cat:** …Yeah, sure, let’s go with that. But seriously, though, turn on the light like I said so you can do the thing.

**Sora:** OKAY, OBVIOUSLY EVIL MANIPULATIVE CREATURE OF DARKNESS!

**Cheshire Cat:** That’s a-me! *Disapparates*

**Sora:** *murders everything in his path as usual so he can jump on the lamp and light it*

**Flower:** *somehow springs into existence on the floor above*

**Cheshire Cat:** *Apparates onto the lamp in front of them* It’s too dim. Make it brighter.

**Sora:** What next?

**Cheshire Cat:** …I’m lying down right next to another lamp, you dumbass.

**Sora:** Oh. *waits till the Cat moves — Teddy, get off my fucking chest, I’m trying to type — and lights the final lamp*

**Cheshire Cat:** YAAAAAAAY now go back to where the floor is actually the floor again and kill the boss before it apparently eats that doorknob. Except you can take as long as you want and it’ll never fucking happen, so, whenever you feel like it I guess…

**Sora:** Question! Will this help us actually find Alice?

**Cheshire Cat:** Bugger if I know.

**Sora:** Great… *backtracks anyway* Okay, I’m back now. And as I leveled up to twenty I just got a trophy for killing two thousand Heartless. I didn’t even finish Wonderland yet! Think about how much I’m helping Organization XIII right now!

**Cheshire Cat:** *is on the table* You’ll have a better view from higher up.

**Sora:** What, I have to go back to the ceiling again? You just told me to come down here, you asswipe!

**Cheshire Cat:** …No, I meant jump up onto the table.

**Sora:** …Oh.

**Cheshire Cat:** Y’all ready for this?

**Sora:** I’m not entirely sure—

**Cheshire Cat:** I DON’T CARE! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA~! *fucks off*

**Trickmaster:** I am now pink and purple for some reason.

**Sora:** …The Trickmaster? You couldn’t’ve gone with established creature names within the universe? Even Final Fantasy XIII did that, why couldn’t a good game that’s actually incorporating the mythos pull it off?!

**Goofy:** It’s like we’re getting the shiny version of all the main bosses, only we can’t bend them to our will.

**Donald:** I’M INSTANTLY DEAD!

**Sora:** And no one was surprised. *focuses Blizzard magic and otherwise just leaping and beating*

**Trickmaster:** Alas, I am slain! Also earwax! *is slain*

**Ifrit’s Horn:** *is left behind*

**Sora:** …We gonna get any items related to Bahamut or Valefor or Alexander or anyone?

**Donald:** I think we get a Shiva thing eventually, though I could be wrong about that.

**Doorknob:** If everyone could just shut their festering gobs and let me nap, that’d be great. *yawns*

**Sora’s Keyblade:** *moves automatically, locking the door*

**Donald:** What the fuck just happened?

**Sora:** It sounds like I closed the door, when it was already closed, and now there’s no way to open it ever apparently.

**Navi-G:** *appears*

**Goofy:** Oh, so we _had_ to complete this level in order to get the Gummi. That’s annoying.

**Donald:** I’ll hold onto that.

**Sora:** What’re you talking about, it’s going into the shared inventory with everything else.

**Goofy:** Yeah how does that even work, anyway?

**Sora:** I…have an Undetectable Extension Charm on my pockets…?

**Donald:** Sure, why not.

**Cheshire Cat:** Good for you, you beat the area. Now please leave, you’re annoying.

**Sora:** What about Alice? Where is she?

**Cheshire Cat:** Somewhere not here. *Disapparates*

**Sora:** Fuck…

**Donald:** Maybe she’s off on another world. Let’s go find her and the other eighty-five people we have to find.

**Sora:** Okay…

**Goofy:** Remember, the save points are teleportation pads somehow. A-hyuk!

**Sora:** That’s nice…Let’s head back to Traverse Town, I wanna check out that one other world we didn’t immediately go to last time, and I don’t wanna get stuck in the Deep Jungle before we get there.

**Donald:** You’re the boss, boss. *mock salutes*

~And then the player realized that they had to fly the gummi ship every single time they went between planets. And they wept with despair.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or the flowers will tell you to burn things.** _


	9. Nice Puppeh...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Absurd List Of Stuff I Don't Own:** Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Firefly, Pokémon, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ actual Greek mythology, _The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Farscape, Harry Potter, A Song of Ice and Fire,_ None Piece, the intro to the Sonic animated cartoon series, _Monty Python’s Life of Brian,_ one of the Craig Ferguson stand-up specials that I can’t remember which one, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~…Did they remix the music ever so slightly? This is the first time I’ve noticed this.~

**Sora:** FINALLY we’re done with that Gummi bullshit…Why does this planet look like some kind of _square_ museum entrance with sand dribbling off into space?

**Goofy:** I’ve heard about this time-waster of a planet. We don’t technically _have_ to come here, ya know.

**Sora:** Too bad, wanna hang with an actual cool Disney villain. Donald, since you’re presumably still driving, land this bitch.

**Donald:** Why do I think the King’ll be here and not Deep Jungle, I wonder. *lands*

**Olympus Coliseum:** *has a title screen that uses the _other_ spelling for Colosseum for some reason. Possibly because spellcheck refuses to spell it properly as well, how lovely…*

**Sora:** Huh, doesn’t look like there’s too many people here. So…I guess no one will mind if I just steal everything that’s lying around… *picks up quite a few random items, including puppies, before heading for the entrance to the Coliseum itself*

**Phil:** *is putting up a sign or something*

**Sora:** …The fuck is that thing.

**Phil:** That voice that sounded like it hasn’t hit puberty yet sounds exactly like my buddy Herc!

**Player:** …That is _not_ Danny DeVito.

**Phil:** Move that pedestal over there for me? I actually don’t need you to and it might even be better to not to considering what it’s guarding, but…Just do it, all right?

**Sora:** …Well it’s not like I could possibly duck under this tiny, thin rope to enter the Coliseum proper, so I guess I could try.

**Player:** *can make Sora attempt to push the block for hours*

**Sora:** *still in prepubescent voice* It’s way too heavy.

**Phil:** Yeah, that’s what she said. ‘Bout my dick.

**Sora:** No she didn’t say that.

**Phil:** She said it about my dick.

**Sora:** I don’t think she did.

**Phil:** She — When she said that, she was talking about my dick.

**Sora:** …I don’t think any of what you’re saying is true.

**Phil:** Why don’t I recognize that it ain’t Herc yet? Damn I’m dumb. And since when have you not been able to push someth… *finally turns around* …Oh. You are decidedly not the guy I thought you were. What do you want?

**Sora:** Well I’m looking for—

**Phil:** *hops down* This is the world-famous Coliseum that apparently comprises the entire planet itself so of course it would be famous since it’s the only thing here. Heroes only, which is obviously why I’m hanging around here and why there’s absolutely no one in the stands at any point in time ever. And I got my hands full preparing for a shitty tournament level that no one really likes aside from abusing it to level up.

**Donald:** …Why are you attempting to run me over?

**Phil:** Because I want to establish that I don’t want any of you here, and you’re the shortest and therefore easiest to intimidate.

**Sora:** EPIC POUTING MANEUVER.

**Phil:** *heavy sigh* Look, I got heroes comin’ from all over, and by all over I mean like one guy who’s from another world and a bunch of monster that may or may not have been former inhabitants of this world before they succumbed to darkness or some shit. And I’m makin’ ‘em all beat each other up for my amusement.

**Donald:** Well we sort of qualify, I suppose. I mean, Goofy’s a frickin’ knight, for Mickey’s sake, and then we got basically Jesus in yellow shoes over here, so—

**Goofy:** It’s because the Keyblade chose him! I’m not entirely sure if I should be shouting out information like that!

**Donald:** And we’re his sidekicks so we qualify by default. Also those reasons I just mentioned.

**Phil:** OH GOD I’M SO USED TO ACTUAL ADULTS BEING HEROES THAT THE COMMON SHOUNEN CONCEPT OF KIDS SAVING THE WORLD IS COMPLETELY ALIEN TO ME! But seriously, there’s no way that little kid can be a hero. He’s what, nine?

**Sora:** Fourteen. I think. Maybe. It’s not a hundred percent clear. And regardless of my age, I’ve been taking out monsters left and right since before I left home!

**Phil:** I look like I’m being fucked from behind, trying to move this thing.

**Sora:** Well there’s an image I could’ve done without.

**Phil:** *panting* Well I never pretended to be a hero, I just knows one when I sees one. And you ain’t one because you can’t move this.

**Sora:** So as soon as I move it—

**Phil:** Not even close to then.

**Sora:** You suck.

**Phil:** But hey, a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, anyway. And once you figure that out, then you’ll qualify. And I just know it’ll take years for someone like you to—

**Sora:** I’ll have earned the title by Hollow Bastion, got it.

**Phil:** …Okay, I’ll put you through a trial run and see what you got, how ‘bout that.

**Sora:** I can do that.

**Phil:** Okay, break all these barrels within the time limit—

**Sora:** Done! Now what?

**Phil:** Round two of the same exercise.

**Sora:** This one’s actually a little harder, but…Ah, just managed to finish!

**Phil:** Well we’ve established that you’re not entirely worthless.

**Sora:** I am fully aware of this. So can I participate in the games now?

**Donald:** Don’t we have people to find and planets to save?

**Sora:** You wanna be strong enough to do those two things or what?

**Goofy:** This whole area is just an excuse to level up, isn’t it?

**Sora:** Basically.

**Phil:** I’m not lettin’ ya, though.

**Sora:** But…but levels! Vaguely plot-related shenanigans!

**Phil:** Two words: You guys ain’t heroes!

**Goofy:** …Are you unable to count to four?

**Phil:** Hell, if I wanted schoolin’ I’d a gone to school.

**Sora:** I don’t think I like this world much.

**Phil:** Why not, Imma teach you magic for no reason because apparently I know that now. And apparently I’m the new Zeus, since I just gave you the power of Thunder, which should really be Lightning, but Thunder sounds cooler.

**Sora:** …I’m actually kind of okay with this, I love this spell.

**Donald:** I bet you do, Pikachu.

**Sora:** Pika pika! *grins cheerfully*

**Donald:** …Of course you wouldn’t take that as an insult…

**Phil:** I can keep training ya for the games if you want!

**Sora:** Barrels don’t hit back, I need actual practice fighting enemies if I’m to save the universe!

**Phil:** Get outta here, a guy can only take so much disappointment.

**Sora:** Well fuck you too. *goes outside* There is absolutely nothing else to do here, so…NEXT PLANET I GUESS.

**Hades:** Not necessarily. That guy’s kind of a jackass, isn’t he?

**Player:** OMFG THEY GOT JAMES WOODS THIS IS AWESOME.

**Donald:** You’re head’s on fire. Do you want me to cast Blizzard on it?

**Hades:** Nah, I’m just weird like that. I come by it naturally.

**Goofy:** Well that’s vaguely terrifying.

**Hades:** I try my best. And…Why is the camera focusing on my chest. This first entry has some weird camera angle things. But anyway, you want to enter the games and be more involved with the story even if you don’t necessarily have to be, right? *puts hand on Sora’s shoulder*

**Sora:** …Did you just Apparate behind me?

**Hades:** Might have done. Also check out this entry pass into the games that Phil wouldn’t give you.

**Sora:** …Why are you being so nice to us?

**Hades:** Because I too like seeing people fight each other, and you got talent even if goat-boy in there doesn’t see it. Also I already laid down money on you, little shorty, so don’t let me lose _all_ of it at least, aight?

**Sora:** …WELL OKAY THEN! LET’S DO THIS! *dodge rolls his way back inside the building*

**Phil:** The hell’d you get this?!

**Sora:** What does it matter _how_ we got it, point is we got it! Can we enter the games now or what, we’ve got everything we need!

**Phil:** …I guess there’s nothing suspicious going on, per se…All right, we start with the preliminaries! Which I am confident you will lose instantly!

**Sora:** We’ll see.

**Phil:** Okay, you’ll be fighting largely Heartless, as well as the main character from Final Fantasy VII in the coolest outfit he will ever wear. Have fun with that.

**Sora:** … *barely manages to contain his fangirl squee*

**Round #1:** *is comprised of Blue Rhapsodies and Soldiers*

**Sora:** Cakewalk.

**Phil:** You guys are just lucky that you had such a good teacher!

**Sora:** …Right…

**Cloud:** Cameo. *sashays past Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sora:** *tries desperately not to swoon* I want this guy to be my father and my uncle and my brother.

**Goofy:** I just came! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** Aw, phooey, that game was overrated anyway and none of the characters were very good if you go back to it.

**Goofy:** Tell that to someone who’s not splooshing all over.

**Phil:** At least make the fight clean when it happens.

**Sora:** I make no promises.

**Round #2:** *is comprised of a shitton of Shadows and moar Blue Rhapsodies and is once again a cakewalk*

**Round #3:** *has both Red Nocturns and Blue Rhapsodies*

**Sora:** *electrocutes them all to death*

**Phil:** Okay, you’re actually pretty good, I admit it. Hell, _he_ might’ve enjoyed watching you, even!

**Sora:** …One, ew. Two, I hate pronoun games, just tell me who you’re talking about.

**Phil:** Hercules! A hero if there ever was one.

**Sora:** …This is based on Greek mythology, right?

**Phil:** Yeah, so?

**Sora:** Then shouldn’t it be Heracles?

**Phil:** I have no idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, he’s off visiting his father.

**Sora:** Bet Hera’s not too happy about that.

**Phil:** What’re you talkin’ about, his mother’s delighted to see him!

**Sora:** What’s Alcmene doing on Mt. Olympus?

**Phil:** What _language_ are you speaking, kid?!

**Sora:** … _Am_ I speaking Greek right now?

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I wonder if the Gummi Ship supplies Babel Fish or translator microbes or somethin’.

**Donald:** Aww, phooey! It’s magic, you don’t have to explain it!

**Phil:** Just fight round four already.

**Sora:** We are _not_ finished here.

**Round #4:** *Shadows, Soldiers, and Red and Blue Rhapsodies*

**Sora:** I’m beginning to see a pattern here. *is starting to get a little tired but still hasn’t even needed to use a Potion yet*

**Round #5:** *TEN FUCKING BLUE RHAPSODIES*

**Sora:** Damn it, out of magic. *has to take ‘em all out by hand*

**Hades:** That little punk is your next opponent, ‘kay? Now don’t blow it. Just murder him and everything’ll be fine.

**Cloud:** The great god of the Underworld is afraid of a kid who doesn’t know how to wear the right shoes?

**Hades:** Not necessarily, it’s more about doing a favor for an acquaintance of mine than anything else.

**Cloud:** My contract has nothing about child murder in it.

**Hades:** I know! You think I don’t know?! I wrote the contract! I know it says you’re only required to murder Hercules in this tournament, and frankly I should’ve put in something about killing him _outside_ of it in case you failed, but what do I know. But you gotta fight that kid to get to him!

**Cloud:** It doesn’t necessarily have to be to the death, though. I mean, whenever he fights something that’s not a Heartless in this tournament, he’ll always just knock us out.

**Hades:** Come on! It’s just like the goat always says! Rule eleven: It’s all just a game, so let loose and have fun with the murder of innocent lives!

**Cloud:** *sarcastically* Well when you put it like that, how can I possibly say no?

**Hades:** Hey, a casualty or two along the way is no big deal, right?

**Cloud:** I’m just gonna sashay off now.

**Hades** : I hate seeing you leave, but I _love_ watching you go. Also corpses are better at conversation. Still, it sure is fun manipulating people into doing my dirty work for me…

**Fluffy:** *yips in agreement*

**Sora:** Wait, that offscreen conversation implied that I would be fighting Cloud next, why am I suddenly up against a Large Body and a shitton of Nocturns and Rhapsodies?

**Cloud:** You done?

**Sora:** …Yeah?

**Cloud:** Good. We can fight now.

**Sora:** OKAY. I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. *immediately pops both a Potion and an Ether because fuck*

**Cloud:** *cuts* You know, *slashes* you don’t _have_ to beat me. *parries*

**Sora:** *blocks* I know, *chops* but I want to. *bashes*

**Cloud:** *eventually goes down but it’s actually pretty hard*

**Phil:** *does some weird-ass dance in the background*

**Sora:** …You okay, guy?

**Cloud:** Yeah — What was that?

**Fluffy:** *slams down on Cloud’s sword*

**Cloud:** …What the hell, I was just holding my sword, how the hell did Fluffy get it.

**Sora:** So _that’s_ where he went off to after _Philosopher’s Stone…_

**Hades:** Whoopsidoodle. *slips away into the shadows, his hair not illuminating anything for some reason*

**Fluffy:** *tries to attack but gets held up by Hercules*

**Phil:** Herc!

**Hercules:** Phil, get them out of here!

**Sora:** Wait a minute, hold up a second. Your name is _Phil?_

**Phil:** Oh, right, name’s Philoctetes, friends call me Phil.

**Sora:** …Philoctetes?

**Phil:** Yeah, real mouthful, I know, now let’s beat it—

**Sora:** Philoctetes.

**Phil:** …Yeah, we’ve been over that.

**Hercules:** Seriously, guys, you might wanna start running.

**Sora:** You’re a satyr, though.

**Phil:** Got a problem with that?

**Sora:** Philoctetes was a human.

**Phil:** …I’m sorry, what?

**Sora:** He didn’t meet Heracles, unless you count the few myths where he was one of Heracles’s lovers, until near the end of Heracles’s life, where he was the only one with the balls to light Heracles’s funeral pyre so Heracles could go ascend to Mt. Olympus.

**Phil:** What the hell are you talking about?! We’ve been over this, _Hercules_ is one of my best pals—

**Sora:** And then he went and fought in Troy — hell, I think he was one of the people in the Trojan horse — and some say he even killed Paris with the bow and arrow that never miss that Heracles had given him in gratitude, but his foot got hurt so he was abandoned.

**Goofy:** Wow, you sure know a lot, Sora!

**Sora:** What? KHII implies that the Destiny Islands have a school, and I happen to like Greek mythology.

**Phil:** Yes, except everything you just said was wrong.

**Sora:** No, it’s really not. So who exactly are you supposed to fit into this, anyway?

**Phil:** I’m Herc’s teacher/mentor/coach/whatever, of course! And I’ve even taught the likes of Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus…Lotta -eus’s.Who’d ya think I was?

**Sora:** …Not Chiron, that’s for damn sure, as you’re not exactly a centaur.

**Phil:** How _dare_ you imply that I’m a huge rapist? I may have an insane amount of issues with sexual harassment, but I’ve never actually _raped_ anyone!

**Sora:** I never said you did, and frankly I never said Chiron did either, but Chiron is the one who trained Heracles and most of the people you just named.

**Phil:** YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

**Sora:** Of course not… *heavy sigh*

**Hercules:** I’m still having a really hard time holding Fluffy back, you guys…

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Phil:** …OH, RIGHT! *run away*

**Phil:** Well this sucks. That was Cerberus, the guard dog of the Underworld.

**Sora:** You’re actually right about that one, I’m just gonna keep calling him Fluffy for the sake of stupid referential humor.

**Phil:** Whatever, Herc’ll handle him no problem anyway. Probably. Maybe.

**Sora:** But he’ll keep holding him off as long as we need him to at our convenience?

**Phil:** Oh yeah, Herc’s a great guy like that. Hell, you could come back in several days or even weeks after visiting every other planet in the galaxy and saving the entire cosmos and he’ll probably still be holding back the puppeh! Fuck, you could just never come back here if you don’t want to, Herc’ll be fine!

**Sora:** Sick. Imma ditch you and come back when I’m level twenty-five. GIZMO SHOP, HERE WE COME!

**Goofy:** Oh boy, oh boy!

**Donald:** And then we murder puppies?! *rubs hands…wings?…together excitedly*

**Sora:** *nods in the affirmative* And then we murder puppies.

~Four levels later…~

**Sora:** All right, we’re all stocked up on items and abilities and we’re ready to kill animals!

**Phil:** Wait, you’re not actually entering the arena, are ya?

**Sora:** …Were you not here when we went over the plan?

**Phil:** This ain’t just some match! This is for real!

**Sora:** And all the monsters I was fighting outside this world weren’t for real?

**Phil:** I don’t know about all that crap and you know it!

**Sora:** Look, just know I got this, okay? And who knows, maybe you’ll classify me as a hero after this.

**Phil:** Don’t hold your breath, kid.

**Hercules:** _Damn_ this dog has some foul breath. And apparently I’ve been guarding Cloud this entire time as well.

**Sora and Goofy:** AH SHIT WE FORGOT CLOUD!

**Donald:** Oh no, we forgot Cloud.

**Fluffy:** *turns to look at the new challengers*

**Hercules:** I shall now piss off.

**Cloud:** How shall you piss off, O Lord?

**Phil:** I got two words of advice for you guys: ATTACK!

**Goofy:** You only know the one number, doncha.

**Fluffy:** For some reason our three heads are our only weak points.

**Sora:** That’s cool. *jumps on Fluffy’s back and jumps around and beats their snouts from behind while constantly trying to stay on top of the dog, while Donald and Goofy both die instantly*

**Fluffy:** Well this is frustrating. *tries to summon evil dark energy from the pits of the Underworld itself*

**Sora:** *dodges most of them while occasionally casting Thunder to continue to down the three-headed dog*

**Fluffy:** Ow-faces. *has a lot of health and three hard-to-reach targets, so takes a long-ass while to properly kill*

**Sora:** *panting* …Donald, how are you still standing, you died like four times in this battle.

**Donald:** I’m not sure whether or not I know Cure yet.

**Sora:** Huh.

**Phil:** Get back in the entrance hall type place, you three, we’re doing a little ceremony.

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Phil:** *reading from a small piece of paper* Thus, I do hereby dub thee “junior heroes” on account of you being _fucking children—_

**Goofy:** _I am a fully-grown man with a child in COLLEGE._

**Phil:** Well you all have the mentality of five-year-olds so the title still stands. Besides, with this I’m letting you take part in the games, don’t bite the hand that feeds ya.

**Donald:** I still protest.

**Phil:** Again with you not knowing what it takes to be a true hero.

**Goofy:** We don’t even get a hint?

**Hercules:** Well, that’s just something you’ll have to find out for yourselves. Just the way that I did!

**Player:** Oh that is nowhere _near_ Hercules’s voice.

**Sora:** So wait, you mean you’ve already completed all twelve tasks and have ascended to Mt. Olympus? Then what was the deal with Hades, what was his beef with you, he actually let you borrow Fluffy willingly as long as you returned him—

**Hercules:** Stop talking, you know absolutely nothing, Hades has been my enemy since the very beginning, he sent Pain and Panic to kill me when I was a baby—

**Sora:** If you’re talking about the two snakes, that was actually Hera who sent those, since she hated you even though your name basically means “Glory of Hera.”

**Hercules:** That’s ridiculous, why would my own mother want to kill me?

**Sora:** What does Alceme have to do with this?

**Hercules:** She was my _foster_ mother, she raised me. My real mother is Hera, Zeus’s wife.

**Sora:** Yes, because your father is truly a faithful god. Especially when he’s married to his sister.

**Hercules:** Of course he is—Wait, what?!

**Sora:** Oh, nothing important. Apparently. But don’t worry, we’ll keep coming back for more tournaments so we can argue this point even further.

**Phil:** Well you’ll have to wait a while for that, since I gotta repair all the damages first.

**Sora:** …You mean Heracles’ll have to move the dog and that’s it?

**Phil:** I think it shat itself as it went unconscious.

**Sora:** Ah. We will return in several weeks, then. *walks out with Donald and Goofy*

**Phil:** I still can’t believe that little squirt actually beat Cerberus.

**Hercules:** *still waving them off* Just between us, I’d already worn Fluffy down by the time the kid and the other two came in, I just didn’t feel like leaving the arena just yet for reasons.

**Sora:** I’m not even out of the room yet, I heard every word of that, you shits. *leaves in disgust*

**Phil:** You can still train with barrels any time you want to!

**Sora:** FUCK YOU I JUST BEAT FLUFFY! *slams door behind him*

**Cloud:** *is sitting on the steps in front of the world’s exit doors*

**Sora:** He looks SO FUCKING COOL. *ambles cheerfully up to him*

**Cloud:** *looks as emo as he usually does these days. I miss the early parts of his game*

**Sora:** …You okay, lady?

**Cloud:** Surprisingly so, yeah.

**Sora:** So…Why’d you team up with Hades? As I miraculously know that’s what happened now?

**Cloud:** *folds his hands and hides his mouth* I’m looking for someone. Hades promised to help.

**Goofy:** Aerith’s in Traverse Town, though she’ll be in Hollow Bastion by the end of the game.

**Cloud:** …Maybe I should hold off. After all, I tried to exploit the power of darkness, but it blew up in my face. I fell into darkness, and I couldn’t find the light.

**Sora:** You’ll find it. I’m searching for something, too.

**Cloud:** For your light?

**Sora:** If that’s what we’re calling the power of friendship, then yes.

**Cloud:** *gets up and hands Sora something* Don’t lose sight of it.

**Sora:** How ‘bout we fight in a couple of much-later tournament matches sometime? Fair and square, no dark powers involved except for a variation of the Gravity spell!

**Cloud:** …I can’t promise I won’t sprout a wing and blast you with lightning sword strikes. *brushes hair out of his eyes*

**Sora:** That’s cool, I’m down!

**Cloud:** This is assuming you ever even come back to this world. *leaves somehow*

**Sora:** Oh I’m pretty sure I will. *looks down at his hand* …The hell did he hand me the knowledge of how to use Sonic Blade. I call so much bullshit.

**Donald:** *bursts into song* _Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom—_

**Sora:** I am absolutely ditching you the very first chance I get.

**Donald:** Welp, there’s nothing else to do here for now.

**Goofy:** Deep Jungle next, right?

**Sora:** Looks like.

**Donald:** We’ll see about that…

**All three of them:** *leave through the _FRONT DOOR OF THE PLANET HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK SHE UNDERSTANDS SHE DOESN’T COMPREHEND_ *

**Hercules:** WOW it got dark fast.

**Hades:** He’s strong. He’s kind. He’s always there for you, and some people weirdly find him attractive to boot. He doesn’t even have any anger issues whatsoever and is never prone to fits of insanity whether inflicted upon him or not.

**Hercules:** How does this action figure of me move so well, no doll does this.

**Hades:** He’s just so practically perfect in every way. ESPECIALLY AT PISSING ME OFF. *hair fire turns red, and even though this is supposed to indicate that he’s going hot with rage red fire is ironically colder than blue fire in most cases* HE MAKES ME SO FUCKING CRAZY! *forces himself to cool down, and by that I mean heat up* Wait a minute, self, what are you even worried about? All the pieces are in place even though presumably the shit from the movie already happened. Just relax. Hercules is still mortal, so I can still murder him for revenge, it’ll be fine. Now, here’s what you do. Let Hercules train the kid. In the next game, I’ll take care of them both.

**Maleficent:** Who are you talking to?

**Hades:** Everyone talks to themselves occasionally if only to plan shit out, leave me alone. Seriously, I got this, piss off.

**Maleficent:** How shall I piss off, O Lord?

**Hades:** By _leaving._ Maybe the same way you came in, preferably more painfully.

**Maleficent:** Sure thing, whatever you say. Fight to your heart’s content.

**Hades:** Why thank you very mu—Wait, did you just imply I’ll never win?!

**Maleficent:** Maaaaayyyybeeee… *leaves in a cloud of smug*

**Hades:** What a bitch.

~I wish there had been more villainous interactions than just these few, all usually with Maleficent…~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or Hades will send a popular and well-loved Final Fantasy character after you. To, y'know, kill you. N-Not to do sexy times with you, but to end your existence. It won't be fun. So...yeah.** _


	10. Definitely Not A Villain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Usual List Of Crap I Don’t Own:** _Patton,_ Nash’s What The Fuck Is Wrong With You blip show, Cr@psule Monsters Abridged, _The Lord of the Rings, The Avengers,_ the actual first Tarzan book, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And so, after another _delightful_ gummi ship route…~

**Sora:** That looks like a massive amount of trees…

**Goofy:** Hey, Donald, maybe King Mickey’s down there!

**Donald:** Of course he wouldn’t be in what might be the one place we wouldn’t have checked yet! What are you, insane? There is absolutely no reason for us to check every world we come to out of desperation since we have no clear leads! We’re moving on.

**Sora:** …Not only does this make no sense, but I have to check each world we come to for Riku and Kairi!

**Donald:** Oh yeah, you spent _so_ much time searching for them in Olympus!

**Sora:** Come on, man, let’s just check it out!

**Donald:** The King is far too high class to want to come to a place with trees in it! Who needs that crap, am I right?

**Sora:** What the fuck is your problem?!

**Donald:** I don’t like Phil Collins.

**Sora:** …“You’ll Be In My Heart” makes my _father_ tear up whenever he hears it, and he _never_ fucking cries.

**Donald:** I don’t care, I’m not dealing with this bullshit.

**Sora:** Oh come on, the movie’s fine!

**Donald:** Aww, phooey!

**Sora:** Fuck it, I’m driving this thing!

**Donald:** No, you don’t even know how to fly it!

**Sora:** ‘Course I do, it’s called doing the opposite of what you’re doing!

**Goofy:** Aaaand now we’ve crashed. A-hyuk!

~…Where’d the gummi ship go during this whole thing?~

**Sora:** *falls through the sky and crashes into the roof of the treehouse* Damn…Good thing I never take fall damage no matter the distance… *rubs head* Donald? Goofy? Please tell me you guys aren’t here, that’d be awesome.

**Sabor:** FOOT!

**Sora:** …Do I hear a thing?

**Sabor:** You heard a thing. *jumps at his face*

**Sora:** I draw my Keyblade at you, ma’am!

**Sabor:** I swipe at your face, sir! *swipes at his face*

**Sora:** *crashes into wall behind him* Well that wasn’t very nice…

**Sabor:** C’mon, mini-boss battle right from the get-go, let’s do this!

**Sora:** Eh, fine. *beats her ass easily*

**Sabor:** The hell, man?!

**Sora:** Trained in Olympus for a bit. You dead?

**Sabor:** Nope! *leaps back up* I gotta keep coming at your face all level, after all!

**Sora:** Oh. Good.

**Tarzan:** *leaps in, jumps around in the rafters for a while, blocks Sabor’s attack with spear*

**Sabor:** …Oh yeah, I think I was supposed to have been killed by you by now. Screw this, then. *runs off through a window*

**Tarzan:** Sabor, danger.

**Sora:** Wow…Thanks, man, that was awesome.

**Tarzan:** That…awesome…

**Sora:** …Sorry, got distracted by your magnificent pecs. So…What is this place, anyway? And why was I expecting it to be way more overgrown than it is?

**Tarzan:** Overgrown, overgrown…

**Sora:** Ah, can’t talk so well, huh? Okay, let me continue to talk to you as if I expect you to miraculously understand me. Do you know where the others went?

**Tarzan:** …

**Sora:** Talk-ing-slow-er-will-def-in-ite-ly-make-this-per-son-who-clear-ly-does-n’t-un-der-stand-En-glish-and-or-Ja-pa-nese-ma-gi-ca-lly-know-what-I-am-say-ing.

**Tarzan:** Won’t.

**Sora:** I know, but still… *slowly and clearly, bringing arms close to chest* _Friends._

**Tarzan:** *mimicking Sora’s movements* Friends.

**Sora:** Okay, now I know you understand perfectly! So there’s two of them, right? The useless one is Dona…Hang on, fuck those guys.

**Tarzan:** …Fuck…guys?

**Sora:** N-Never mind. Have you ever met anyone who call themselves _Riku_ or _Kairi?_

**Tarzan:** Look for Riku, friends?

**Sora:** Your pronunciation’s excellent even if you don’t fully grasp the meaning, so at least you’ll be able to recognize the name Riku if prompted, that’s more than I can hope for really…What’s that behind you?

**Tarzan:** Kairi, friends?

**Kairi:** Hello there, I’m another hallucination.

**Sora:** …Sorry, was tripping balls, but yes, Kairi as well. Who may or may not be right behind you.

**Kairi:** Imma piss off now, later!

**Sora:** Kiiinda wish that would stop happening…

**Tarzan:** Friends here.

**Sora:** Really? Did you see what I just saw or…

**Tarzan:** Eh, oo, oo oo ah.

**Sora:** One more time?

**Tarzan:** Eh. Oo. Oo oo ah. Friends here.

**Sora:** Still not getting the first part, we’ll work on communication I guess. Can you show me where Riku and Kairi are?

**Tarzan:** *puts hands on chests and smiles* Tar-zan.

**Sora:** …Tarzan? Really?

**Tarzan:** *grunts*

**Sora:** *grins* You magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK!

**Tarzan:** … *head tilt* Oo aah…?

**Sora:** *puts hands on chest* Sora.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan, Sora, go!

**Sora:** Right!

**Tarzan:** *leads Sora onto balcony of tree house*

**Sora:** I spontaneously know this world is called the Deep Jungle.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, why’d I have to get stuck with you and not Sora?

**Donald:** Sure is convenient that we landed on this one singular rock in this whole bamboo thicket. *nurses cracked spine*

**Goofy:** I sure hope Sora’s okay.

**Donald:** *sits up* Aw, who needs him? We can find the king without him even though our mission is specifically to stick by the Keybearer! *goes to pick up staff but touches something else instead* Huh?

**Terk:** *singsong voice* _The fuuun has ariiiiived-a!_ Thank you very much.

**Donald:** Oh no not you.

**Giant rumble:** *is heard*

**Terk:** I’m outta here. *runs off, leaving gummi behind*

**Donald:** Hey, look what that gorilla pooped out.

**Goofy:** We don’t know she pooped it out.

**Donald:** Then where was she carrying it? Wait no don’t answer that—

**Goofy:** It’s like an extra pocket! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** IT’S NOT A POCKET!

**Clayton:** I was the one rustling the trees, by the way.

**Goofy:** Oh, I see. Why aren’t you immediately tranquilizing the freaks of nature that Donald and I are so you can lock us up and sell them? Walking and talking animals such as ourselves have to be worth way more than any old gorilla.

**Donald:** Goofy, don’t encourage him!

**Clayton:** Oh I would never do such a horrible thing as all that! After all, I’m definitely not a villain!

**Goofy:** Oh, okay then. See, Donald? There’s nothing to worry about!

**Donald:** I agree completely!

~WHY DOES NO ONE FREAK OUT WHENEVER DONALD AND GOOFY SHOW UP AND THEY CLEARLY DON’T BELONG.~

**Tarzan:** *jumps down onto the net, slides on one of the horizontal poles holding the net up, and jumps to his death*

**Menu pop-up asking if we want Tarzan to join the party even though we really don’t have a choice in the matter:** *appears*

**Sora:** So no one else takes fall damage either, huh. Hang on…Mega-Potion under the house, sick. *follows Tarzan* Giant hollow tree trunk leading to a black hole of death, huh? Ooh, save point!

**Tarzan:** Save…point?

**Sora:** Yeah, you appear back here after you die if you use it.

**Tarzan:** Not…here…before.

**Sora:** Huh. Maybe they only follow me around?

**Tarzan:** Jump in tree trunk thing.

**Sora:** After I grab this Mega-Ether.

**Tarzan:** Mega-Ether?

**Sora:** …I found it it’s mine?

**Tarzan:** *grunts in affirmative*

**Sora:** Awesome. *jumps in* WHOA SLIDING ON TREE BRANCHES. This is kinda fun, but I’m kinda worried my shoes’ll wear themselves down. The hell do you manage to do it with bare feet?

**Tarzan:** Tarzan do this since Tarzan was boy.

**Sora:** Whoa, you must have Hobbit-like feet by now!

**Tarzan:** Hobbit?

**Sora:** …Never mind. Hey, a giant campsite! That tree branch thing was kinda fun, but I think I’d get annoyed if I have to keep doing it over and over.

**Tarzan:** It fastest way to get to campsite. Also good for annoying mini-game.

**Sora:** *grouchily* Oh good.

**Tarzan:** Get good items?

**Sora:** I’ll think about it.

**Tarzan:** Sora go into tent?

**Sora:** Hang on, wanna check this place out a little…I am not seeing any Heartless around here anywhere. It’s…It’s kinda freaking me out a little.

**Tarzan:** Heartless?

**Sora:** Uh, monsters? Things you haven’t seen before?

**Tarzan:** …Sora, Clayton, Jane…

**Sora:** No, no, uh, darker monsters?

**Tarzan:** Sora racist.

**Sora:** Well I try not to be, but…unfortunate implications abound I guess… *checks out Hippo’s Lagoon* …I’ve heard stories about these guys…

**Tarzan:** Sora do what Tarzan do. *jumps across the backs of the murderous hippos to go places*

**Sora:** THAT SEEMS SAFE. Oh hey, more Dalmatians.

**Tarzan:** What were white animals and why they disappear?

**Sora:** They’re puppies, like humans keep pets and dogs are one kind we keep, and I…honestly have no idea why they disappeared.

**Tarzan:** Animals not like being locked up. Cruel.

**Sora:** I know what you mean. *climbs vine* …This looks both fun and annoying at the same time.

**Tarzan:** It fantastic!

**Sora:** Maybe for someone who’s done this their whole life, but I’m new at this. *tries and somehow succeeds* Aww, more puppies!

**Tarzan:** Sora freeing puppies?

**Sora:** Yeah, they’re going home to frolic in a really wide, open area. Seriously, I know you’re probably not big on enclosed areas but that house is huge!

**Tarzan:** Who put puppies in boxes?

**Sora:** Sadistic game programmers, I think.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan not approve.

**Sora:** Sora not approve either, buddy. Ooooh, Mythril!

**Tarzan:** Shiny. Tarzan like shiny.

**Sora:** …Sora find, Sora shiny?

**Tarzan:** …Sora shiny.

**Sora:** Thank you very much, Tarzan. *finally makes it across* Well that took forever… *climbs one last vine* …I’m having a hard time believing the vines just coalesced into a perfect floor like this. Aaaaand now we’re back where we started at the Tree House. And I have no idea where any of these areas are in relation to anything else.

**Tarzan:** Sora get used to it, figure out layout easily.

**Sora:** Says you, how does anyone make it through this world without a fucking strategy guide?!

**Tarzan:** Sora want to go back to camp now?

**Sora:** …Yeah, fine. *follows Tarzan down there* Hang up, buddy. Before we go in, I noticed something about the campsite itself.

**Tarzan:** *grunts curiously*

**Sora:** There appear to be directions to making Hi-Potions and Ethers scattered all over the place for some strange reason. Are these items really common to every world?

**Tarzan:** Tarzan not know.

**Sora:** Okay, so put the potion in the pot on the stove… *puts potion in pot on stove, sees tea set* Hah, I understood that reference. Okay, the next thing is to light the stove… *casts Fire, nothing happens* Light the stove — I _am_ lighting it!

**Tarzan:** Sora try to burn pot. Sora open door with giant key and light actual stove.

**Sora:** Oh, you mean it’s locked and I have to unlock it?

**Tarzan:** Sora bash stove with giant key. Door open.

**Sora:** …SOUNDS LEGIT. *does so, gets Hi-Potion* Okay, now other side the tent, put Potion into one of these random beakers, cast Blizzard—Boo-yah! *gets two Ethers*

**Tarzan:** Boo-yah!

**Sora:** Yeah, that’s right! Now. Why are all these slides everywhere, even on the tops of the tents.

**Tarzan:** Terk and Tantor have musical number earlier.

**Sora:** It’s been a while, which one was that again?

**Tarzan:** Song with N’Sync cover.

**Sora:** Oh yeah…Anyway, I’ve done everything I can without the others, and they’re nowhere else in this world, so let’s go in the tent and see if they’re there, I guess.

**Tarzan:** *grunts, leads way in* Jane!

**Jane:** *turns around* Oh! Hello there—

**Sora:** JESUS CHRIST EAT A SANDWICH.

**Jane:** Oh don’t worry about me, I’m fine. I’m just pleased that you speak English!

**Sora:** Well that or Japanese, it’s unclear.

**Jane:** So obviously you’re not related to Tarzan…

**Sora:** I do wear more than a loincloth, yes. So…Can I ask you something?

**Jane:** Well certainly!

**Sora:** You’re Jane?

**Jane:** Yes?

**Sora:** Jane Porter?

**Jane:** Again, yes?

**Sora:** …What’s with the accent?

**Jane:** Whatever do you mean?

**Sora:** You’re supposed to be American.

**Jane:** What in blazes are you on about, you sodding wanker and other Britishisms?

**Sora:** Dude you’re from Baltimore.

**Jane:** *impatiently* Are you here to study the gorillas?

**Sora:** No, nor am I really here to look for treasure, which I know for a fact is your group’s main goal in this.

**Jane:** Oh please, this is just a small research venture! Yes, just me and Mr. Clayton.

**Sora:** …All that junk outside is a lot of crap for just two people.

**Jane:** Well, we used to be three people, but Daddy got eaten by a leopard.

**Sora:** …

**Clayton:** I don’t think he’s here to help with the research, Miss Porter. *comes into tent with Donald and Goofy behind him*

**Goofy:** ‘Sup, nerd!

**Sora:** I’m so ecstatic to see Goofy that I say his name first, even though I’m clasping Donald’s hand!

**Donald:** Yeah, but we’re mad at each other, remember?

**Sora:** I sure do! *both he and Donald turn away in a huff*

**Goofy:** *sighs* Hate being in the middle.

**Clayton:** Well they seem useless and stupid. Not much use for hunting gorillas, or really anything else, not even for the purpose of selling them to science to see how the two animals can talk or selling them to some freak show to spend the rest of their days.

**Jane:** I will also show no surprise at the walking, talking, clothes-wearing creatures and instead admonish you about how we’re not here to kill the gorillas, only to study them!

**Clayton:** I can’t hear you, I’ve already pissed off.

**Jane:** Of course you have. *turns back to the people who matter* Ah well, there are more than enough supplies to go around if you want to hang about.

**Sora:** Cool with me.

**Donald:** Me too.

**Sora:** You’re not supposed to agree with me!

**Goofy:** Sora, shut up for a second and look at this plot element we found!

**Sora:** Dafuq is that.

**Goofy:** It’s a gummi block! It’s the same stuff our ship’s made out of!

**Sora:** Been meaning to ask this, but…is our spaceship made out of…gum?

**Goofy:** Basically! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** The hell did it get here?

**Donald:** The king could’ve left it here when he came here!

**Sora:** Oh so _now_ you’re open to the possibility of him being here.

**Donald:** Well, we’ve got to work together to find him, _for now._

**Sora:** Okay, I’ll let you tag along to grab a few trinity prizes before immediately ditching you for Tarzan for the rest of this world and then continue using that formula for all subsequent worlds where we meet people who’ll fight with us.

**Goofy:** It’s a Protect-G? I thought it was a navi-gummi at least!

**Sora:** Yo Jane I’m taking this Mythril Shard okay thanks.

**Jane:** Fine, whatever.

**Sora:** C’mon, Donald, let’s do the Trinity crap.

**Donald:** M’kay. *they exit the tent*

**Sora:** It’s over by the beakers and crap. *they all jump together* Cool a treasure chest, that’s new.

**Dalmatians 34, 35, and 36:** *have returned home*

**Sora:** How do these guys even return to Traverse Town anyway, do they teleport or what. Okay, so there’s another blue Trinity I saw earlier, wanna help with that too?

**Donald:** Since it’s all you use me for, sure.

**Sora:** M’kay. *they go to the Climbing Trees and do that one last blue Trinity before heading back*

**Goofy:** Do ya think we should try talkin’ to Clayton?

**Sora:** Yeah sure, he’s a pretty stand-up guy.

**Donald:** I don’t know…

**Sora:** Oh come on, Donald! He’s a pretty high-up lord in England, you know!

**Donald:** Didn’t seem that way to me.

**Sora:** Whatever, I’m gonna talk to him.

**Clayton:** Clayton’s the name. I’m a hunter, not a researcher, so I’m not particularly sure why they brought me along except maybe to stave off other predators.

**Sora:** …You’re not in love with Jane?

**Clayton:** Certainly not! She’s quite a vapid young girl, I haven’t the slightest interest in such creatures.

**Sora:** …’Kay…

**Clayton:** What? No, I am not going to hunt the gorillas, I just want to catch them and sell them for profit—I mean look at them. Yes. Because I’m definitely not a villain.

**Sora:** …I never said anything.

**Clayton:** But they’re so rare! I’d just like to get a look at them. I’ve no doubt Tarzan knows where the nesting grounds are. He just won’t tell us where, for some reason.

**Sora:** Because he knows you’re a hunter and not a researcher.

**Clayton:** Oh what do _you_ know.

**Sora:** *undertone* That he’s actually your cousin and the most evil you’re ever supposed to get is ‘cause you’re jealous that Jane likes him and not you so you say a couple of disparaging things about his character but otherwise you’re fine…

**Clayton:** What was that?

**Sora:** Nothing, nothing…

**Goofy:** Let’s go back inside, Sora! Getting rid of Donald oughta cheer you right up!

**Donald:** Hey!

**Sora:** You always know just what to say, Goofy. *smiles brightly, goes back inside, and exchanges Donald for Tarzan*

**Tarzan:** Where was Tarzan this whole time?

**Sora:** I…don’t really know.

**Jane:** So it seems like Tarzan was raised by gorillas here in the jungle.

**Sora:** Not precisely gorillas but sure.

**Jane:** Communicating with him isn’t easy, but he’s learning.

**Sora:** Well after being able to teach himself how to write without ever hearing human speech he would be a quick learner, wouldn’t he.

**Jane:** No, teaching him how to write’s pretty slow going, actually.

**Sora:** …So how’s his French?

**Jane:** Oh, he doesn’t know any French.

**Sora:** …Do you know anyone by the name of D’Arnot?

**Jane:** No, why?

**Sora:** No reason, no reason at all…

**Jane:** Ah, that’s right. You’re looking for your friends?

**Sora:** I never told you that, but yes. He said Riku and Kairi were here, and one word in Anthropoid that I couldn’t understand. Then again, considering his lack of communication skills, I could just be misinterpreting everything.

**Jane:** Even so, want to try out this projector thing? I just need the slides for it, they got misplaced by some mischievous gorillas a few weeks back.

**Sora:** You mean all these slides?

**Jane:** Just so! *sticks them in projector*

**Screen:** *shows picture of a castle*

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** What’s wrong, Sora?

**Sora:** You’re back in the shot, that’s what’s wrong.

**Donald:** Well screw you too!

**Sora:** That place…It looks like Radiant Garden. But how do I know that? I’ve never been off the island except for the four or so worlds I’ve been to since I’ve been off the island.

**Screen:** *shows a man presenting flowers to a woman, which gets Tarzan excited for reasons other than what they were hoping for, then a woman who seems to have dropped her walking stick I guess, then a gorilla, then a ship, and two dudes fencing*

**Jane:** Well, Tarzan?

**Tarzan:** *runs outside and comes back in with flowers* Jane must stay with Tarzan!

**Jane:** …We’ll talk about this later.

**Sora:** Dude, where are my friends, Riku and Kairi?

**Goofy:** And why aren’t we asking about the King right now?

**Tarzan:** *shakes head*

**Sora:** Figured. There aren’t any Heartless here even, let’s just get out of here.

**Clayton:** Hang on, there’s one place we still haven’t checked out yet. *enters tent* One more place within the jungle that we’ve explored so far, at any rate; they could be on an entirely different continent within our particular universe, but I vote we don’t search that far.

**Sora:** I agree completely.

**Clayton:** Good. Now, you should know, young man, that we’ve been in this jungle for some time now, but we’ve yet to encounter these friends of yours despite you not giving any kind of description so they could be baboons for all we know, and we have seen plenty of those, let me tell you. Anyway, I’d wager they’re with the gorillas for some reason, but Tarzan refuses to take us to them. Something about his leader murdering all of us in a rage or some such nonsense.

**Jane:** Really, Mr. Clayton, Tarzan wouldn’t conceal something that important unless he had a very good reason for doing so!

**Clayton:** *walks up to Tarzan* Then take us there! Take us to the gorillas! GO-RIL-LAS!

**Tarzan:** *standing up to his full height* GO-RIL-LAS!

**Sora:** See how they kind of have the same chin and facial structure and are a similar height? _Totally_ cousins.

**Tarzan:** …Tarzan take Sora.

**Sora:** Thanks so much, man.

**Jane:** Tarzan, are you sure?

**Tarzan:** First Tarzan go see Kerchak.

**Jane:** Who?

**Clayton:** He’s probably the leader, I’m pretty sure we would’ve been told about this by now. I’ll go with all of you as an escort even if I’m not visibly on screen. After all, the jungle can be a very dangerous place. *does evil grin in front of _everyone._ But he’s definitely not a villain*

**Sora:** Okay then, time to get on with the plot! *exits tent*

**Sabor:** HI GUYS.

**Sora:** DAMN IT!

~JESUS THIS WORLD IS LONG AS SHIT.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or Donald’ll constantly be in the party as opposed to actual cool people.** _


	11. Reptile The Invisiblessed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day late, my bad, forgot again.
> 
> **Stranger Than Usual List Of Things I Don't Own:** Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, Wikipedia info on leopards, the actual first Tarzan book, Code MENT, _How to Train Your Dragon,_ Cr@psule Monsters, Dragonball Z Abridged, _Futurama,_ None Piece, _The Simpsons, Harry Potter, To Boldly Flee, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Despite the constant frustrations, I’m gonna miss being able to work with the Tarzan world…Friggin’ copyright…~

**Sora:** *makes short work of Sabor and she runs off*

**Tarzan:** Sabor kill human parents.

**Sora:** …Wait, that was Sabor?

**Tarzan:** *grunts in the affirmative*

**Sora:** Even though she’s supposed to be a lioness? And ignoring the fact that your mother died in her sleep when you were a year old and Kerchak actually killed your father during a raid on your cabin which is when Kala adopted you?

**Tarzan:** *grunts in the affirmative*

**Sora:** …You look like you’re in your twenties unless you’re in your late teens or something. Pretty sure you were twenty throughout the second half of the first book so we can possibly ballpark your age around there.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan no get point.

**Sora:** Leopards don’t live longer than around twenty, and that’s in captivity according to Wikipedia.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan still no get point.

**Sora:** This leopard should either be dead or on her last legs, and definitely not spry enough to run all over this place attacking us at random.

**Tarzan:** …Sabor is special leopard.

**Sora:** Hell, she barely even looks like a leopard. The spots are more reminiscent of a jaguar and her skeletal structure calls to mind a cheetah, especially around her skull.

**Tarzan:** SABOR IS SPECIAL LEOPARD.

**Sora:** Okay, okay, calm down.

**Tarzan:** TARZAN IS CALM.

**Sora:** I’m sure Tarzan is.

**Goofy:** So do we have to jump through all the vines again to get to the next cutscene, or…?

**Sora:** We could do that, or we could jump across all the hippos’ backs to climb that one vine right over there.

**Tarzan:** This good plan, Tarzan like plan.

**Sora:** Why thank you. *and then they do the thing*

**Kerchak:** HELLO.

**Kala:** HELLO.

**Sora:** Thought Kala would be dead by now, but okay…

**Donald:** How am I only back here for cutscenes.

**Tarzan:** Kerchak, please listen to me! The guy you’ve actively and visibly loathed since Kala first brought me into your family! I know the nesting grounds are secret, but I trust them, and my word should be good enough for someone who has never trusted me. You see, I want to help them because…well, they need us.

**Kala:** Well at least I raised you well, at any rate.

**Kerchak:** Yeah, but is that your only reason?

**Tarzan:** …Yeah, the plot demanded it.

**Goofy:** The plot also demanded us being incapable of understanding them, apparently.

**Donald:** Yeah, I don’t get it, we’re animals too, we should be able to fucking understand them.

**Kerchak:** I raise my chin at you, sir!

**Tarzan:** Oh you bitch!

**Kala:** Sorry, gotta visibly side with him on this, you know how he is.

**Tarzan:** Yeah…

**Sora:** …Wait, she’s with Kerchak? What happened to Tublat? Hell, why is Kerchak alive even, Tarzan should’ve killed him by now!

**Tarzan:** Sora no make sense.

**Sora:** I’ll make _you_ make sense!

**Goofy:** Well that was an abrupt switch back to text boxes.

**Donald:** Apparently we have to go to the tree house now. Because plot I guess.

**Sora:** Okay, I think if we just climb this one vine we’ll be able to get to the entrance to the tree house. I have no idea how this jungle works or how anywhere’s connected to anything. The hell would Jane and Clayton even have their campsite so close to a group of hippos, anyway, hippos are dangerous motherfuckers. Which is why I like jumping on them with my massive shoes and provoking the shit out of them.

**Terk:** *playing with globe* This isn’t nearly as noisy as the stuff back at the other place the humans were at…

**Clayton:** *pointing shotgun at Terk* Remember when I was gonna capture them and sell them alive? Well apparently I lied.

**Donald:** I AM DISTRACTING YOU AND SINCE YOU’RE PROBABLY EXTREMELY TRIGGER HAPPY AT THE MOMENT THIS COULD ONLY MEAN GOOD THINGS.

**Terk:** Dude, that almost hit me, what the fuck.

**Kerchak:** See, this is why you can’t have nice things.

**Clayton:** What is all the hullabaloo?

**Tarzan:** *creeps forward* Wait, Kerchak, please!

**Kerchak:** Nah. *walks off*

**Donald:** I haz a sadface.

**Terk:** That’s nice, I don’t care. *also leaves*

**Tarzan:** *turns and glares at Clayton*

**Clayton:** Oh come on, you can’t pin this on _me!_ I…I saw a snake, yeah, I saved that poor gorilla’s life even though I’m supposed to only be capturing instead of killing!

**Tarzan:** Tarzan no like you.

**Clayton:** *deadpan* Oh no, I’m crushed.

**Donald:** And now we’re no longer in the shot for some reason.

**Sora:** C’mon, let’s just jump down to the campsite, it’s way faster.

**Tarzan:** *grunts in agreement*

**Goofy:** Are you sure that’s safe?

**Sora:** Don’t worry about it, Goofy, none of us take fall damage, remember?

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, you’re right! I must’ve forgot! *jumps after them*

**Sora:** Why did this take us to the cliffs this time and WHY IS SABOR STILL FUCKING ATTACKING US OW MY FLESH. *beats her ass _again_ *

**Sabor:** Oh I am hurt! I am very much hurt! *runs off _again_ *

**Tarzan:** Jane in tent. Tarzan, Sora, go.

**Sora:** Might as well, it’s not like there’s anything else to do around here… *follows Tarzan back into tent*

**Jane:** How could you do such a thing?!

**Clayton:** Now, Miss Porter, I really think you should pay attention to how my face is actually animated in this scene, it’s quite nice, really. Also I _totally_ wasn’t aiming at the gorilla. Honest. Look at my sincere face.

**Jane:** You are not to go near the gorillas again! And I’m positive that me telling you this will dissuade you entirely since you’ve proven yourself to be trustworthy and are definitely not a villain.

**Clayton:** If this actually had been a mistake I really would protest this one mistake tarnishing me forever, quite frankly. Also why am I not blaming the duck, I can just claim he scared me and I fired out of fright.

**Sora:** A common error that I would’ve defended you on had you thought of it. As is, let’s all group together and glare at this guy.

**Clayton:** Good Lord, an unarmed woman, a man in a nappy, some kid with a giant key, a duck with a stick, and a dog with a shield is _so_ much more intimidating than a muscular dude standing over six feet tall and carrying a fucking shotgun. That makes SO MUCH SENSE. I will now back out of the tent in fear. But don’t let my malicious-looking expression I’m sporting on the way out fool you! Because I’m definitely not a villain! *leaves the tent* The hell am I doing with these imbeciles? Blasted gorillas! I’ll hunt down every last one of them! I’ll track them down somehow! I’ll shout out my evil plan within earshot of Tarzan so that he might stop me! I’ll stake my life on it! *goes to smoke pipe, so you _know_ he’s a villain because only bad people smoke*

**Rustling:** *is heard*

**Clayton:** Huh? *puts pipe away, looks around, then fires shotgun into the trees*

**Jane, Tarzan, Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *flip their shit*

**Sora:** …Well that was fun, on with the plot!

**Jane:** Don’t mind Mr. Clayton. He’s not a bad person…just a bit impetuous. And just ignore that gunshot I guess.

**Sora:** Done and done. *exits tent and sees a gorilla surrounded by Powerwilds* _Finally,_ some Heartless to fight! Boo-yah! *slaughters them all instantly* Why am I getting Protect-Gs, I barely go into the gummi menu thing.

**Goofy:** You’ll want to hang on to all of those for when you go to get the trophies! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** That sounds vaguely impossible.

**Goofy:** Oh it’s not vaguely impossible at all! It’s _entirely_ impossible!

**Sora:** Brilliant. Welp, let’s go save some gorillas, beat some Heartless, and level up and junk!

**Goofy:** Huzzah-face!

~Lots of fighting and leveling up later…~

**Sora:** *is now level thirty* Is the reason Tarzan was never in any more Kingdom Hearts games because the complexity of the level design made it massively unpopular? I mean it’s not _that_ bad, it’s no Olympus Coliseum at any rate… and it sure as fuck ain’t Monstro, that’s for damn sure…

**Tarzan:** Tarzan think it licensing issue.

**Sora:** Ah, you might be right about that. Let’s check on Jane.

**Tarzan:** *grunts and goes into tent*

**Jane:** I do hope Mr. Clayton is safe…

**Sora:** …Why. *saves and exits tent again* …What was that noise.

**Goofy:** It sounds like it came from the Bamboo Thicket.

**Sora:** All right, let’s either fight Clayton or re-fight Sabor for the tenth time or something. *goes into Bamboo Thicket, sees Clayton’s pipe on rock thing* Huh, that’s in no way suspicious…

**Sabor:** HELLO!

**Sora:** Oh good.

**Sabor:** This time I have more health and can slip into the bamboo and basically Apparate to the other side of the area.

**Sora:** Oh sick, an actual challenge with hopefully some experience at the end of it!

**Goofy:** Sora, you’re level thirty already!

**Sora:** And I want to keep getting stronger so I can kick more ass!

**Sabor:** I claw at your face.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan slash at Sabor’s side.

**Sabor:** Ow-face.

**Sora:** Ripple Drive is awesome, as is occasionally _setting your enemies on fire._

**Sabor:** NO! MY FUR! I NEED THAT!

**Sora:** And one more bash with the Keyblade to your face…

**Sabor:** And now I am the dead. Bleh.

**Tarzan:** Actual movie much more satisfying.

**Sora:** You’re not kidding. Now let me just rip this tooth out for no discernable reason…And now I have a White Fang. It is mine.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan not think that fair.

**Sora:** Sora not give two shits.

~I love how assholish I’m painting Sora, it makes him so much more entertaining.~

**Terk:** Freaking yellow monkeys, what even are these things. *goes into tent*

**Jane:** Oh wow, a gorilla! Please don’t be a reenactment of the book!

**Powerwilds:** Why can’t we actually go inside the tent, why do we just have to hop around outside, that seems kind of counterproductive…

**Jane:** …She’s actually kind of adorable.

**Terk:** Aw, I love ya too! But I’m also terrified of that buddy of yours, so I’m just gonna cower a bit if ya don’t mind.

**Ominous noise:** *is ominous*

**Jane:** Oh my, how ominous!

~Why does Terk suddenly trust Jane…?~

**Sora:** Aw come on, I just beat Sabor and I’m getting sick of fighting the same damn monkeys over and over again! Though admittedly getting all the munny from those Bouncywilds is pretty sweet. *beats them anyway and goes back to the campsite* Oooh, White Mushroom Heartless! Imma electrocute the sleepy ones!

**Hot, cold, and sleepy White Mushrooms:** For some reason that’s exactly what we wanted you to do! *throw out all of the MP balls and vanish*

**Sora:** Awesome, now I’ve got Fire, Blizzard, and Thunder Arts! I have no idea what practical application they have but they’re cool to have nonetheless, I guess!

**Goofy:** I think Merlin’ll give you a new and completely useless weapon if you collect them all!

**Sora:** Huh, that’s useful. Also I have a bizarre urge to watch the Mushroom Samba episode of _Cowboy Bebop._ FOR SOME REASON. *goes into tent* Hey, where’s Jane? Do these guys have an outhouse or do they just squat in the woods?

**Goofy:** What’s wrong, Tarzan? Aside from being worried about the woman you love not being here, obviously.

**Tarzan:** Something coming. Jane, danger. Tarzan read ahead in script. Jane near tree house.

**Donald:** Somehow danger sounds like trouble, I don’t know how I put that together in my head. We should go.

**Sora:** Yes. _We_ should go and you should continue to stay behind so you don’t drag us down.

**Donald:** Screw you too!

**Sora:** With pleasure. *turns to Goofy* You see what I did there?

**Goofy:** A-hyuk!

**Sora:** Come on, let’s go! *climbs up necessary trees to avoid swinging on vines*

**Jane:** Tarzan! Terk and I are trapped in here! Please help!

**Sora:** Wait…Terk?

**Tarzan:** *grunts*

**Sora:** That’s not short for Terkoz, is it? The one anthropoid that tried to rape Jane that one time so you killed him?

**Tarzan:** Terk not do that, Terk best friend. Like sister.

**Sora:** Whatever you say…Well, since you mentioned that, I’ve just noticed that Jane and that one gorilla, who is unsurprisingly female, are trapped behind some vines and need us males to save them! If only we had someone on our side with a sharply cut stone tied to the end of a stick that could slice through them somehow—WE SHOULD BEAT UP THIS GIANT BLACK FRUIT THING FOR _NO RAISIN._ *ignores all the Heartless and just focuses on random black fruit thing, beating it up until the tiny victory jingle starts playing*

**Jane:** We are now miraculously freed I guess. So Clayton came to the tent, and that’s the last thing I remember. Not entirely sure why he locked up me and this one gorilla in a tiny cave blocked by vines when I’m sure he’s got some steel cages he could’ve thrown Terk into while he just tied me up somewhere more convenient, but whatever. Also don’t ask me _how_ he did any of this or where that fruit comes into it because I honestly couldn’t tell you.

**Sora:** Clayton’s a _villain?!_ Wow, did _not_ see that coming!

**Tarzan:** Sora dumb. Gorillas trapped. Terk ran.

**Jane:** We must help the gorillas! I’m gonna keep this one calm, you help the others!

**Sora:** That’s actually a pretty decent plan. Continue to be more useful than Donald, Jane, you’re doing great.

**Jane:** Why thank you!

**Sora:** Okay, let’s jump down to the tent and save, then head for the cliffs.

**Goofy:** Why the cliffs?

**Sora:** ‘Cause nothing’s really happened in that area yet, so it’s probably where the boss battle’s gonna happen.

**Goofy:** Makes sense to me!

~And then they go do the things I just said they were gonna do. Like you do.~

**Gorillas:** We seem to have been crowded in by a bunch of smaller monkeys. Why did we not even try to fight back, that would’ve been actually pretty awesome.

**Powerwilds:** WE ARE BOUNCING. FEAR OUR BOUNCINESS.

**Clayton:** Why am I not shooting these weird-ass monkeys and selling them for profit. Aside from the part where they completely disintegrate when they’re killed okay never mind. *advances menacingly and raises shotgun*

**Kala:** Oh dear, this isn’t good. Hey, remember when I fought back at stuff in the movie? Screw that shit, am I right?

**Powerwilds:** WE ARE ADVANCING NOW.

**Sora:** Please stop advancing now.

**Clayton:** Oh good, this crap again.

**Kerchak:** How and when did I get here, and why am I not ripping this guy apart with my fangs.

**Kala:** I do not know, but let’s walk away. LIKE A BOSS.

**Kerchak:** Good plan, I like this plan.

**Sora:** I’m apparently still surprised that Clayton’s evil.

**Tarzan:** Not Clayton! Eeh, ooh, ooh ooh ah! Not Clayton!

**Clayton:** I had so much time to turn back and shoot them just to spite you, why did I not do this.

**Sora:** So wait, he _is_ your loveable cousin?

**Tarzan:** Hell no.

**Sora:** Okay…Oh, wow, time to beat his ass I guess! Oh, and a bunch of Powerwilds, but they’re cakewalks at this point. *slaughters ALL OF THE POWERWILDS before bashing Clayton over and over*

**Clayton:** I am shooting you people with a fucking gun. WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD.

**Sora:** I just got rid of all your health, why are _you_ not dead.

**Clayton:** Touché. *levels shotgun at Sora and Tarzan, then lifts it up again as the cliff explodes behind him*

**Sora:** …Okay, some of that definitely should’ve hit him in the back and squashed him flat.

**Tarzan:** *runs directly for Clayton but gets thrown back by something invisible*

**Pat:** You know what? You know what’s better than being invisible?

**Matt:** What?

**Pat:** Being invisi _blessed._

**Matt:** What, what kind—

**Pat:** ‘Cause you’re _SO INVISIBLE!_

**Clayton:** I now appear to be floating.

**Invisible wall:** *materializes on the edge of the area*

**Stealth Sneak:** *had its name changed to Reptile the Invisiblessed. For reasons*

**Sora:** Okay, guys! Kill everything!

**Tarzan:** *grunts*

**Goofy:** Come on!

**Reptile the Invisiblessed:** *gets beaten until it is no longer so invisiblessed*

**Goofy:** That guy was really transparent.

**Sora:** You know what’s really transparent? My dick!

**Goofy:** …

**Tarzan:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** …

**Clayton:** …

**Reptile the Invisiblessed:** …

**Goofy:** …I should probably—

**Sora:** You gotta let that hang.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan up to tits in morons.

**Sora:** …Whoa, that palette swap is pretty badass this time, I’m digging the tats. *continues to beat it until Clayton falls off*

**Clayton:** Ow! My blood! I need that!

**Reptile the Invisiblessed:** *gets back up and starts shooting lasers out of its eyes*

**Sora:** Well of course it would have that power, that’s just so cliché. Somehow. *beats it to death* Okay guys, everyone beat the shit outta Clayton!

**Goofy:** You got it, Sora!

**Tarzan:** *is already stabbing him repeatedly with his spear while simultaneously surviving gunshot after gunshot*

**Clayton:** *jumps into the air*

**Sora:** Damn it, he knows High Jump! *combos him again as soon as he hits the ground*

**Clayton:** This isn’t over even though you’ve taken all my health! *staggers back, raises shotgun, but then gets crushed to death by fallen Reptile the Invisiblessed*

**Reptile the Invisiblessed:** *dissolves as its heart gets sent to Kingdom Hearts*

**Sora:** …Did I just watch another person die?

**Goofy:** Maybe, but at least you learned Cure somehow. And also the body will never be seen again so it’s like it never happened.

**Sora:** Okay…

**Gorillas:** We are standing here passively.

**Kerchak and Kala:** *come forward*

**Sora:** …You are _huge,_ sir.

**Kerchak:** There is one sport I excel at.

**Sora:** Oh yeah, what’s that?

**Kerchak:** Competitive _BITCH TOSS!_ *tosses the bitch*

**Sora:** WHEEEEEE ow.

**Donald:** How did I get here.

**Goofy:** How _did_ you get here. And did you learn Cure as well? You might even be slightly useful if that happened!

**Tarzan:** Tarzan know how to climb. *turns around and thanks Kerchak silently*

**Kerchak:** Now don’t say I never did anything for you. *leaves with the rest of his family*

**Tarzan:** Sora come check out view.

**Sora:** Whoa…I WANNA SWIM IN IT.

**Tarzan:** Cave behind waterfall.

**Sora:** GOOD ENOUGH. Seriously, though, _great_ view.

**Tarzan:** Thank…you.

**Sora:** You’re welcome.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan home.

**Sora:** Even though the gorillas prefer to nest in trees instead of caves and keep moving from place to place in search of food?

**Tarzan:** *grunts*

**Sora:** Okay then. *goes into cave* Well this is definitely the prettiest area I’ve seen so far, and a _way_ better secret area than the ones back on Destiny Islands, that’s for sure, I love the sound of the waterfalls and the effect its had on the rocks. As well as the Mythril Shards, those are always lovely. And the Dalmatian chests. Number 31, 32, and 33 have now Disapparated back to Traverse Town. Do any of these poor puppies have names, seriously. Oooh, an actual Mythril. Where the hell am I storing all this stuff, my pockets are not that deep. And I’ve been climbing upwards this whole time and HOW MANY CHESTS HAVE YOU BEEN HOARDING TARZAN JESUS. Freaking _Orichalcum_ too, that’s super nuts. Okay, finally at the top, let’s go in and _stare at all these glowing butterflies wow those are gorgeous._

**Tarzan:** *smiles*

**Jane and Terk:** We’re here too now, apparently.

**Tarzan:** Eeh, ooh, ooh ooh ah.

**Sora:** This is your home? But I don’t see Riku and Kairi anywhere. It’s lovely, but why did you bring me here? And why can I now only focus on that white Trinity that I won’t be able to access for like another ten hours at the rate I’m going?

**Tarzan:** *holds up a hand to silence him and holds it to his ear*

**Goofy:** I don’t even know if and/or how me and Donald got in here since we were never shown entering, but apparently we are indeed here.

**Jane:** Amazing! A cave right inside a waterfall makes the noise of the waterfalls echo! Who would ever believe such a thing were possible! It is lovely, though.

**Tarzan:** Eeh, ooh, ooh ooh ah. Friends here. See friends.

**Sora:** Will the butterflies show me a vision of them, will they fly in formation, what…?

**Jane:** Oh, now I get it! Sorry, took me a bit, the only phrase I know in Gorilla is “Ooh ooh ee heh ooh.”

**Terk:** Boo-yah!

**Tarzan:** *smiles _really_ brightly*

**Jane:** But no, “Ooh, eeh, ooh ooh ah” means heart. Tarzan is talking about the friends in our hearts. He’s trying to sing the song the movie won the Academy Award for, but he can’t quite sing yet.

**Tarzan:** Heart…You be…in…heart.

**Jane:** He’ll get the lyrics down by the end of the week, easily, I’m sure of it.

**Sora:** …That’s a great metaphor, and I know that’s basically what this entire series boils down to, and I know that Kairi’s heart is literally in my own right now along with Ven’s, but I was kinda looking for something a little more solid than this.

**Tarzan:** Friends, same heart. Clayton, lose heart. No heart, no see friends.

**Sora:** Well of course he lost his heart, we basically just carved it out of his chest not five minutes ago. Also not too sure he even had friends to see, behaving like that.

**Tarzan:** No heart, no friends.

**Sora:** There you go, we agree on this. And apparently this means Donald and I have made up.

**Donald:** I’ve learned Cure now, so I’m guaranteed to be more useful!

**Sora:** All right, I’ll keep that in mind!

**Goofy:** *wraps arms around Sora and Donald’s shoulders* I’m so glad we’re all friends again! *wipes tear from his eye*

**Sora:** Yeah…Wait…Is that…? *creeps toward glowy blue light*

**Butterflies:** *fly away to reveal Keyhole*

**Jane:** Aww, I just realized those are the butterflies from that one scene near the beginning! *tears up* I might cry!

**Tarzan:** Go. Tarzan no judge.

**Skinner:** It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly!

**Sora:** Time to do my job I guess. *summons Keyblade and holds it out in front of him* _Colloportus!_

**Donald:** You don’t have to do that every time, you know.

**Sora:** Oh bite me, it’s fun.

**Keyhole:** *locks, vanishes, and poops out navi-gummi*

**Donald:** Another gummi! We’re getting a lot of ‘em in this world!

**Goofy:** But none of them belong to the king, we psychically know somehow.

**Terk:** Aww, cheer up, old pal! *nuzzles Donald*

**Jane:** Oh how adorable! Don’t you just love interspecies romance?

**Donald:** I would like to state for the record that I do not consent to this, and also would like to point out that Daisy would kill me if she finds out I cheated on her.

**Sora:** …You have a girlfriend?

**Donald:** Of course I do!

**Sora:** … _You_ have a girlfriend.

**Donald:** Yes already!

**Sora:** … _How._

~Meanwhile, at the Evil League of Evil…~

**Jafar:** What drew the Heartless to that world aside from the fact that we’re trying to send all of them everywhere so that every world is destroyed and the entire universe is shrouded in darkness?

**Maleficent:** The hunter lured them there. It was his lust for power and apparently desire to murder all living creatures that was the bait. He may not have been a big enough villain to be accepted into the Evil League of Evil, but he did at least want to kill everything. It’s really quite unfortunate that the darkness _did_ overpower him, or at least that gravity decided to kick in at the worst possible moment on a large Heartless that hadn’t quite dissolved yet.

**Oogie Boogie:** *cackles* Yeah, he got chomped instead, even though it’s been said extensively that no one dies in this series, but I guess we can just ignore that!

**Jafar:** A weak-hearted fool like him stood no chance against the Heartless. Even if he became one himself, a Nobody would not have materialized, and once the Keybearer destroys his Heartless the next time he visits for the purpose of leveling up, which seems to be his MO at this point, he’ll return to his body only to be hanged in tangled jungle vines or some other accidental and yet fitting death. But the boy is a problem. He found one of the Keyholes.

**Maleficent:** No, he found two of them. Learn to count. And besides, it would take him the average length of a JRPG to find the rest, and you know how long _those_ can take, especially if one is a completionist. And he still remains blissfully unaware of our other plan. See, look at this image of him I conjured somehow, being all blissfully unaware like that.

**Jafar:** Yes, the princesses…

**Maleficent:** They are falling into our hands, one by one. Why, four of them were so easy to kidnap, it happened offscreen! Now we just need two more…

**Alice:** I’m like seven, I don’t even know what’s going on! And I’m not even one of the canon Disney Princesses, why am I even here?!

~Well I’m sure that won’t lead to anything nefarious.~

**Sora:** We are back in the tent now, I guess. Also it’s probably time we got going, back to where our ship is…just…hovering in the stratosphere, waiting for us to teleport, I guess…even though I specifically crashed us into this planet…sure…

**Jane:** How _did_ you get here, anyway?

**Donald:** *hastily* Don’t worry about it.

**Tarzan:** Sora, Tarzan, friends. *gives Sora keychain that’ll somehow magically change the design and strength of the Keyblade*

**Sora:** Sweet. *makes Jungle King immediately* Thank you very much for this new Keyblade, I will use it to hit people. Like Donald.

**Donald:** Wait, what?

**Sora:** *ignores him* Now then…Where the hell did you get this and where can I get more of these.

**Tarzan:** Tarzan have no clue.

**Sora:** As always, you’ve been a huge help. But seriously, though, I’m gonna miss you, buddy. You’ll always stick out in my mind as the first time I learned that I didn’t have to take Donald with me everywhere and that I could switch him out with a far more likeable person any time I wanted.

**Tarzan:** *smiles brightly*

~That Red Trinity ability probably won’t come in handy any time soon and certainly wasn’t just given to us only so we could further the plot in any way.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or an extremely old leopard will attempt to eat your face but you'll easily outrun her because she's so old. OOOOH IT'S SO THREATENING!** _


	12. Yay, I'm Not Hallucinating This Time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Usual List Of Stuff I Do Not Own:** Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Pokémon, Princess Bride, Superman: At Earth’s End,_ the That Guy With The Glasses Anniversary Brawl, _The Simpsons,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Damn it, I wanted to save before we left!~

**Sora:** So these two Gummis we just got, any idea what they are?

**Donald:** Not a clue.

**Goofy:** Looks like we’ve got a contrived reason to go back to Traverse Town and ask Leon what he thinks!

**Sora:** …The hell is Leon?

**Goofy:** Uh…What was his real name…Squash?

**Sora:** Oh, you mean Squall!

**Goofy:** Yeah, that guy!

**Sora:** Well just say that then!

**Goofy:** Sorry.

**Sora:** It’s all right, I know you actually want to follow the game but we’re trying to not be stupid about everything, okay?

**Goofy:** Gotcha!

**Sora:** Awesome. Yo Donald, can I drive?

**Donald:** Absolutely not!

**Sora:** Aww, come on, I’m the main character!

**Donald:** It’d be a lot easier if I didn’t have to look over at you and tell you you were stupid.

**Sora:** You suck.

**Goofy:** WAAAAH MOMMY AND DADDY ARE FIGHTING!

**Player:** …Wait…So whenever I play the Gummi missions…I’m playing as Donald? GAH, no wonder I despise these sections! *vomits into a bucket*

**Sora:** *Apparates into the Accessory Shop* You’re new, what’re you doing here?

**Moogle:** There’s a tournament being held somewhere.

**Sora:** Okay. *leaves for Olympus immediately*

**New chest:** *is standing on a pedestal inside the entryway*

**Sora:** Oh no! There’s a chest that won’t open! Damn it, if only I had something that could open any lock!

**Phil:** The hell’re you doing back here, I just told you the arena won’t be ready for anything for a while, like, two hours ago.

**Sora:** …But the Moogle said the tournament was ready and crap.

**Phil:** The hell’s a Moogle?

**Sora:** A breed of creatures who lie a lot, apparently. *reluctantly goes back to Traverse Town*

**Cid:** Hey, everyone! I have absolutely nothing of interest to say!

**Sora:** Okay, bye then, I guess…

**Cid:** IGNORE ME!

**Sora:** Why do I keep talking to you people.

**Yuffie:** *is standing next to the mailbox* Squall’s training in the sewers. He’s fucked up like that. Absolutely no clue why Aerith’s with him, I guess she just misses the emo.

**Sora:** Ah, that’s why. Oh yeah, those candles that wouldn’t go out before! I CAN USE BLIZZARD NOW! *uses Blizzard now*

**Donald:** Well why didn’t you use it the last time we were here?!

**Sora:** Because shut up. *obtains Defense Up and immediately eats it*

**Goofy:** I never really got what those were, do you eat them, do you drink them, do you equip them…They’re permanent so consuming them seems the most viable option…

**Donald:** I don’t know what seven of those words mean—There’s a Red Trinity behind that shop over there, we should try it.

**Sora:** Okay, how does this work.

**Goofy:** Donald slams the wall, you slam Donald, and I slam you.

**Sora:** …I need an adult.

**Donald and Goofy:** We are adults. *force Sora to go through with it*

**Sora:** Oh, you meant crash into each other, that’s fine then. *pops arm back into socket*

**Dalmatians no. 4, no. 5, and no. 6:** *have returned home*

**Sora:** We got Dalmatians here, too?! I thought they were all on other worlds! Damn it, if Pongo and Perdita just spent half an hour trying to find their own children within their own fucking neighborhood…

**Goofy:** Speaking of the Alleyway, which we are now in, wasn’t there a Red Trinity near the sewers?

**Sora:** Oh yeah, we should go smash some iron bars down with only the strength of three people, one of whom is a pathetically weak duck.

**Goofy:** Now you’re catching on!

**Donald:** Go. Eat. A boat.

**Sora:** Looks like we have to take the long way through the Second District, then—THESE ARE NEW.

**Yellow Opera:** ‘Sup.

**Sora:** Oh dear.

**Yellow Opera:** *uses THUNDERBOLT! It’s super effective!

**Sora:** *uses BLIZZARD! It’s not very effective…SORA uses SLASH! It’s super effective!*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *beat wave after wave of Heartless before finally making their way to the sewer*

**Donald:** *slams into bars* Why would Squall want to train here?

**Sora:** Probably because the general atmosphere a sewer provides would remind him of the junctioning system. *slams into Donald*

**Goofy:** Hey-o! *slams into Sora*

**Iron bars:** *miraculously break*

**Sora:** Aww, that’s cute, it’s called the “Secret Waterway” to disguise the fact that it’s blatantly a sewer.

**Squall:** I’m training!

**Aerith:** I am watching you train while doing nothing to better myself in any way!

**Squall:** Of course not, you’re the white mage of the group, aren’t you?

**Aerith:** Yeah but I should still practice whacking people with sticks at least, even Donald can do that shit so why can’t I?

**Sora:** Hey, guys! Let me tell you all about my adventures offscreen!

**Squall:** So, you’ve found two Keyholes.

**Sora:** Yes, that is exactly what I just finished describing to you. The Keyblade locked it automatically the first time, so I was a bit more dramatic for the hell of it the second time so it would appear as if I actually did something.

**Aerith:** Aww, he thinks he matters! *coos at Sora*

**Squall:** Every planet has a Keyhole. Don’t ask me how, it just does. Each one leads to the heart of that world.

**Sora:** You mean the core?

**Squall:** No, I mean the heart.

**Sora:** …You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

**Squall:** Look, for all intents and purposes, “heart” is synonymous with “soul” in these games, just roll with the terminology offered to you.

**Sora:** See, soul would make more sense, I could work with that—

**Squall:** No, shut up, this is what we’re doing.

**Sora:** You smell funny.

**Squall:** Shut up and remember that we’re on a planet right now, so it must have its own heart and Keyhole as well.

**Sora:** Despite you just describing everything to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

**Donald and Goofy:** Our hero, ladies and gentlemen and variations thereupon.

**Aerith:** All this was in Ansem’s report, and if I remember it this well I don’t know why I don’t just tell you at least roughly what it says.

**Squall:** We know from it that the Heartless enter through the Keyhole, take over the world, and eventually find their way through the Keyhole and encase the heart in darkness.

**Sora:** So…

**Aerith:** Yes. The Heartless make the planet aspload.

**Clone Hitlers:** OF COURSE! DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE?!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** …

**Squall:** That’s why you have to seal every Keyhole, Sora. It’ll make the Heartless disappear from the current planet you’ve just saved.

**Aerith:** Until they come back and start to wreck shit again, but at the very least they won’t be able to blow up the world anymore, just its inhabitants. You’re the only one who can save all these planets, Sora. NO PRESSURE!

**Sora:** *is woozy from the weight on his shoulders*

**Squall:** It’s _fine,_ just get out there and murder things and you’ll be fine.

**Donald:** Cakewalk!

**Goofy:** We gotta find your friends! And 8-bit Mickey!

**Sora:** Heh, nice.

**Aerith:** It’s at this point in the manga that I offered you guys some lemonade. You know, actual human nourishment-ish type stuff that isn’t just potions or elixirs to remind people you’re still human and not like a lion hybrid or something equally stupid.

**Sora:** Yeah, well, the manga also had us go to Agrabah before the Olympus Coliseum, so…

**Aerith:** Well you could’ve gone that way if you wanted to.

**Sora:** But I didn’t want to.

**Donald:** Sora? The reason we even came here in the first place?

**Sora:** OH RIGHT! Yo Squall—

**Squall:** _LEE. ON._

**Sora:** No. Anyway, we randomly found a couple Gummi blocks that were spit out of the Keyholes we sealed. We also found ones all up and down the routes between worlds but for some reason we can tell these are different. Know anything about them?

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Aerith:** He really doesn’t, and neither do I for that matter. Cid might, though, he built the airships in our game, try asking him.

**Squall:** Wait, Sora, take this with you. *gives him Earthshine*

**Sora:** Oh…It’s a rock…

**Donald:** What’s with the rock?

**Goofy:** Must be a Final Fantasy thing.

**Squall:** I somehow know this rock holds mysterious power. I’ve been carrying it for luck, because I’m totally the kind of character who would do something like that. And I’m _definitely_ the kind of character who would give something so precious away to some kid I don’t even like after we’ve only had a couple of conversations.

**Sora:** Is…Is it useful in any way?

**Squall:** Ellipsis…Very long ellipsis…

**Sora:** It’s fine, I’ll wait.

**Squall:** *eventually* It depends on the player’s individual style of playing the game—

**Aerith:** No. No it isn’t.

**Sora:** …Great.

**Aerith:** Please lock the Keyholes.

**Sora:** I ALREADY SAID I WOULD, JESUS CHRIST.

**Donald:** Where’s Yuffie, anyway?

**Aerith:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know.

**Donald:** Great…

**Goofy:** Gawrsh! Is that a chest around that corner?

**Sora:** It sure is! *opens it*

**Puppies no. 10, no. 11, and no. 12:** *have returned home*

**Sora:** …Hey, Squall—

**Squall:** It’s _still_ Leon.

**Sora:** …Hey Squall, you know how you wanted me to look for those puppies?

**Squall:** Yes?

**Sora:** There were three of them right here, right next to you.

**Squall:** …

**Sora:** Let me ask you something, Squall—

**Squall:** _Leon._

**Aerith:** Squall.

**Sora:** If you were so concerned about those puppies, why don’t you pick up your own ass and look for them yourself.

**Squall:** …Ellipsis.

**Sora:** Enough with the ellipses shit and give me a straight fucking answer!

**Squall:** …It was exceptionally well hidden.

**Sora:** Over half the chest was peaking around the wall.

**Squall:** YOU KNOW NOTHING! NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND MY PAIN!

**Sora:** Oh good God.

**Donald:** Can we go now?

**Sora:** In a minute. Uh, Squall?

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** …Leon?

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** I’m starting to understand why Spoony hated FFVIII so much. *backtracks to the Accessory Shop*

**Cid:** I somehow can tell you’re holding something even if it’s trapped in your inventory. Lemme see it.

**Sora:** *lets him see it*

**Cid:** Well if it ain’t a Gummy block!

**Donald:** As established, yes.

**Goofy:** Mind explainin’ what this one does?

**Cid:** You’re kiddin’ me! You’re flying a Gummi ship and you don’t know the intricate ins and outs of every miniscule bit of machinery?!

**Sora:** Who does unless they specifically go into that field?

**Cid:** Seriously, though, you were flying without a GPS? That takes balls, man!

**Sora:** I can keep a map in my head just fine, thank you!

**Donald:** And I have those bird instincts that tell me where to go and shit!

**Goofy:** I’m just ridin’ with these two, I don’t much care.

**Sora:** Look, we have to use the Gummi ship to go to other worlds. If you know some other way of getting around deep space, I’d love to hear it.

**Cid:** Calm your tits, guy, I was just fucking around. And I’ve apparently dropped all pretense of not knowing what other worlds are so I can help you on your quest or whatever.

**Sora:** How convenient!

**Cid:** Basically, if you install a GPS Gummi — it’s called a navigation Gummi but it’s a fucking GPS Gummi — you can go to even more worlds and shit.

**Sora:** *deadpan* This is absolutely fascinating.

**Cid:** You want me to install this on your ship?

**Donald:** We have no idea what we’re doing, go ahead, I guess.

**Goofy:** What he said.

**Cid:** Okay, consider it done, except I have a thing I gotta do first.

**Sora:** What is it? Maybe if we do it for you you’ll consider it payment.

**Donald:** Don’t just agree to something like that! What if it’s something to do with drugs or prostitution or something?!

**Cid:** I gotta give this children’s book to Merlin so he can repair it, it’s one of my favorites and I was feeling nostalgic but it’s busted to shit, was hopin’ he could fix it. I started it, it’s slightly okay now, but it could be better. Could you do it for me? I say while describing the route as if you’ve never visited Merlin before?

**Sora:** Okay, I guess.

**Loud crash:** *happens*

**Sora:** THE FUCK, MAN?!

**Cid:** There’s a bell on top of the Gizmo Shop. It always causes a small earthquake apparently, we’ve learned to live with it. Deliver that book before you check it out, would you, at least for the sake of the plot, especially once something you might actually enjoy happens?

**Sora:** Fair enough, I’ll get right on that.

**Cid:** Awesome. I’ll be at the old house in the Third District when you’re done, wanted to meet my fellow Final Fantasy characters for reasons.

**Sora:** …Merlin’s house is _in_ the Third District. It’s, like, right there, right beyond that house.

**Cid:** …Yuffie stole my fire materia, okay?!

**Donald:** HA!

**Sora:** *heads to Third District*

**Air Soldier Heartless:** WE ARE THINGS NOW.

**Sora:** Oh joy. *uses THUNDER! It’s super effective!*

**Enemy Heartless:** *are eventually all electrocuted to death*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *make their way to Merlin’s house*

**Merlin:** Oh, that book! I really hoped I’d never see it again, but if Cid insists…Fine, whatever. Do you wish to know what kind of book it is?

**Sora:** I never said that I would and I’m really getting the sense that I’ll regret knowing—

**Merlin:** I don’t even know, myself, despite the fact that I totally do and am just trolling you. Hell, it’s not even mine, it just showed up in my bag one day without even asking. So rude. I was hoping I could just dump it onto Cid, but it seems like he’s done with it and is now trying to force it back onto me, that prick. I’ll just put it on the table for now…In the meantime, you. Yes, you. Collect even more missing pages.

**Sora:** Wha— _again?_ Do I have to?

**Merlin:** …Not really, it’s entirely optional, actually. The book’ll be over there, check it out whenever you like.

**Sora:** I refuse until it’s absolutely necessary.

**Merlin:** And say hi to Cid for me, I seem to be trapped in this house forever and he never wants to visit me…Oh, and I’ve got a thing to tell you about your stones!

**Sora:** …I’m just gonna leave now—

**Merlin:** Oh, forgive me, you only have the one, my mistake.

**Donald and Goofy:** *smothering their laugher*

**Sora:** Is this, like, the state of affairs today?

**Merlin:** Might as well make the Fairy Godmother have a purpose, I guess. Go talk to her about the problem with your stone.

**Donald and Goofy:** *are now full-out cackling*

**Sora:** …I’m gonna put some points into being a psychopath. *forcibly suppresses murderous instincts and goes to talk to the Fairy Godmother* So what’s up with this shit?

**Fairy Godmother:** Oh, the poor thing!

**Sora:** …It’s a _rock,_ lady.

**Fairy Godmother:** No it isn’t, it’s a summon gem.

**Sora:** TELL ME I GET BAHAMUT IN THIS GAME, THAT WOULD BE THE HYPEST SHIT.

**Fairy Godmother:** Boy will _you_ be disappointed. His world was consumed by darkness, and this guy just barely survived. When a world vanishes, so does its inhabitants.

**Sora:** …So all my friends are dead.

**Fairy Godmother:** Unless they’ve got particularly strong hearts, of course.

**Sora:** …So all my friends are dead.

**Fairy Godmother:** If they do, they turn into rocks!

**Sora:** Awesome, if you don’t mind I’m trying to cope with the sudden realization that ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE FUCKING DEAD. Though as I’m talking about Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie, I’m not as upset as I thought I’d be. Still really worried about Riku and Kairi, though…Oh, and my parents, they exist I guess…So can the rocks get better?

**Fairy Godmother:** Ish. If you carry the rock around they can fight with you in battle, and their usefulness varies greatly, obviously, but that’s about it. Not much they can do and they are entirely optional. Now check this shit out! _Ennervate!_ Er, I mean, _Bibbity Bobbity Boo!_

**Sora:** Must…resist…Dragonball Z joke…

**Simba:** *is now a guy that can be summoned, and summoning is explained*

**Sora:** *doesn’t pay attention ‘cause he’s never gonna summon anyone*

**Fairy Godmother:** Whenever you call him, he will help you.

**Sora:** I’m never gonna call him.

**Fairy Godmother:** Then he will never help you.

**Sora:** That’s fine by me.

**Fairy Godmother:** It will also make him and Mushu spontaneously knowing you in KHII more confusing.

**Sora:** That is still fine by me.

**Fairy Godmother:** If you find any more stones like these, bring them to me.

**Sora:** How will I be able to tell, they’re all just rocks.

**Fairy Godmother:** Because you’ll be able to pick them up and they’ll have weird names attached to them once they’re in your inventory.

**Sora:** Okay, whatever then.

**Fairy Godmother:** Don’t worry, when their worlds are restored they will return there.

**Sora:** Which is why we’ve visited Bambi and Dumbo’s world in the next seven or so games.

**Fairy Godmother:** They could be in KHIII, we don’t know.

**Sora:** Sure they will.

**Donald:** They might want to avoid the huge amount of racism with the Dumbo, though.

**Goofy:** The movie wasn’t racist, the people animating it were! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** …Oy vey.

**Fairy Godmother:** Sora, please save them.

**Sora:** This on top of everything else and I’m not even gonna do anything with it…

**Merlin:** You best go see Cid before you go anywhere else!

**Sora:** DAMN YOU PLOT! *goes back to the Third District*

**Soldiers:** *appear*

**Sora:** Again and again with these guys—

**Soldiers:** *are slaughtered with one swipe*

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Riku:** WAZZUP!

**Sora:** HEY, BRAH! Wait, why is your face animated when mine’s still kind of static? *tugs at Riku’s cheeks*

**Riku:** WHOA BAD TOUCH!

**Sora:** Sorry, I had to make sure you weren’t another hallucination.

**Riku:** … _Another_ hallucination?

**Sora:** Hey, a lot has happened, leave me alone.

**Riku:** It’s cool, a lot’s happened to me, too. It took me forever to find you, considering I ended up all the way on the other side of the universe and just now got to this planet.

**Sora:** I am seriously so glad to see you, though, no joke. I really missed you and was terrified that something horrible had happened to you.

**Riku:** Well I’m here now. You don’t have to worry anymore.

**Sora:** Thank goodness, it’s so good to have you back, man.

~I am such a fucking sap…~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or someone'll send you on the hunt for a missing dog when it's hiding in the same damn area they're already in and they're perfectly aware of this.** _


	13. Riku, Why You Be Hatin'?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bunch 'O Stuff That I Don't Own: Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, the _Berserk_ outtakes, _Harry Potter, Monty Python’s Holy Grail, Firefly,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Movie, Naruto: The Abridged Series, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Assassin’s Creed, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, G.I. Joe,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~We now return you to the friendly reunion of friendly friendship friends, already in progress.~

**Sora:** So have _you_ seen Kairi anywhere?

**Riku:** What, she’s not with you?

**Sora:** Does it _look_ like she’s with me? Would I be _asking_ if she was with me?!

**Riku:** …Her heart’s embedded into yours now, though, right? So isn’t she technically with you right now?

**Sora:** Yeah but we don’t _know_ that yet.

**Riku:** Ah, fair enough. Still, don’t worry. I’m sure she made it off the island, too. And hey, at least we’re finally free. Kairi might even be looking for us now as well, and I’m sure she can take care of herse—Shit, you’re right, we’ve got to find her.

**Shadow:** I’m sneaky. Like a ninja.

**Riku:** We’ll all be together again soon, Sora, I promise you that. Just leave everything to me, I know someone who can—

**Sora:** You are the worst sneaky ninja. *kills Heartless easily*

**Riku:** …Okay since when did you become a _fucking badass._

**Sora:** I know we’ll find Kairi together; we’re both strong enough to protect both her and each other from whatever comes our way!

**Riku:** That was seriously amazing, when did you learn to fight like that?!

**Sora:** Well the score _was_ 100 to 3 when we left the island.

**Riku:** That was mostly racing and you know it, you only beat me in actual combat once!

**Sora:** Well I’ve had to get stronger pretty fast. I’ve been looking for both you and Kairi with those two guys’ help.

**Riku:** *somehow only notices Donald and Goofy for the first time* …What the fuck are they.

**Sora:** Finally, someone reacts realistically.

**Donald:** Ahem, my name is—

**Sora:** It really doesn’t matter, the point is I’ve been looking all over the damn place for you! Fighting monsters, people, giant three-headed dogs — the universe is insane and I’ve had to fight to survive. Is it really any wonder that I’m slightly stronger now?

**Riku:** It really isn’t so surprising, no, I don’t know why I’m so shocked. I’m proud of you, man.

**Sora:** Thanks, bro.

**Goofy:** Oh, and guess what else? *puts hands on Sora’s shoulders*

**Sora:** …Could you not do that.

**Goofy:** *ignores him* Sora’s the Keyblade master! Even if there are more than one so his title doesn’t really deserve a “the” in front of it, and he definitely won’t reach the rank of master for as many games as are out right now despite saving the universe several times by then!

**Donald:** Yeah, who’d’ve thought a guy like him, you fit the image much better, Riku!

**Sora:** He kind of does, doesn’t he?

**Riku:** Which is why I’m somehow holding it right now. It’s called a Keyblade, right?

**Sora:** Hey cool, can you wield it too? How’d you get it out of my hand, anyway?

**Riku:** I’m not entirely sure…This looks really familiar somehow…

**Sora:** Didn’t that one guy that one time—

**Riku:** Yeah, you’re right. Want it back?

**Sora:** It _has_ been super useful.

**Riku:** Come get it, then.

**Sora:** Okay—Oh you bitch! *falls over*

**Riku:** HA HA! Okay I’m done, here you go. *tosses back Keyblade*

**Sora:** Thank _you!_ So anyway, you’re coming with us, right? We got this awesome rocket, wait till you see it! Come to think of it, what have _you_ been travelling around in, anyway? And where’d you get that sick sword, that thing was badass!

**Riku:** …W-Well, I—

**Donald:** Who even says he’s coming with us? Don’t presume to speak for all of us!

**Sora:** Oh come on, he’s my friend! And a better stronger fighter and all around far more useful than you’ll ever be, I was hoping we could switch him out—

**Donald:** I don’t care about what the person we’re supposed to follow and keep in check wants to do!

**Goofy:** …Did he just Disapparate?

**Sora:** I don’t think he ca…Well I’ve been wrong before. Dude, why’d you leave?

**Riku:** That duck wasn’t wearing any pants.

**Donald:** Of course I wasn’t! Every time I’m around and I see someone wearing pants, all I can think about is “What if they pooped in those pants.”

**Sora:** …Seriously, fuck you, Donald.

**Donald:** Justice.

**Sora:** …Damn it, I can’t be too mad, I’m just so happy he’s alive and well and that you two saw him as well this time. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. He’s now free to explore the new worlds at his disposal to his heart’s content; who am I to stand in his way if he wants to go alone? And who knows? Maybe we’ll run into Kairi as well pretty soon! That must be why he left, so we can cover more ground together! Man, I feel so much better now!

**Riku:** *possibly hiding behind a wall* Seriously, why did I leave, that was some pretty deep shit.

**Goofy:** Oh yeah, Cid wanted us to visit that place, didn’t he?

**Sora:** You’re right, we should go. *skips happily up to the house*

**Yuffie:** Check it out! Not only am I back in the game, but we’ve chosen this to be our secret base-type-thing!

**Aerith:** So that was a GPS-Gummi?

**Sora:** …I don’t really remember telling you—

**Aerith:** That could be insanely useful.

**Sora:** I KNOW, RIGHT?!

**Squall:** *standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF CID* Don’t you have to go and see Cid?

**Sora:** You sure that slash across your face didn’t affect your eyes?

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** Fuck this. Hey Cid, we did the thing you wanted us to do!

**Cid:** *out of fucking nowhere* You guys ever hear of someone called Maleficent?

**Sora:** …No?

**Cid:** I hear she’s in town.

**Sora:** So can you tell us who she is, for Mickey’s sake?

**Cid:** A witch, man, she’s a witch!

**Sora:** How do you know that?

**Cid:** Well she turned me into a newt!

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Aerith:** …

**Yuffie:** …

**Cid:** …I got better.

**Squall:** She’s also the reason this town is full of Heartless. Don’t take her lightly.

**Sora:** Now that I can believe.

**Aerith:** She’s been using the Heartless for years, though some worlds are only just now getting swarmed by them.

**Squall:** She took over our entire world and kicked us off it.

**Cid:** One day, a swarm of Heartless took over our world. Strangely, ours seemed to be the first this happened to.

**Squall:** That was nine years ago, roughly a year after the events of Birth By Sleep, now that I think about it.

**Sora:** Strange, I think Kairi came to the island around that time…

**Cid:** I managed to escape, dragging a few kids along for the ride.

**Donald:** That sucks.

**Squall:** Our leader was a wise man named Ansem, also known as Ansem the Wise but that’s not important right now. He dedicated his life to studying Heartless.

**Cid:** His report should tell us how to get rid of them. How’s the collecting goin’?

**Sora:** …I’ve been supposed to collect it?

**Donald:** Right, guess we forgot to tell him that part.

**Goofy:** Or we’re just rehashing the plot and making Sora look dumb in the process.

**Squall:** Yeah, this is just a complete repeat of this crap, let’s move on.

**Cid:** Yeah, let’s, to the part where we figure Maleficent has most of the pages of the report.

**Sora:** Yes, that would be bad.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Maleficent:** *is right outside the window with Riku and yet somehow no one notices* You see? It’s just as I told you. While you struggled and bled, trying to find your dear friends, he quite simply replaced the two of you with people who were even more annoying than he was.

**Riku:** But he implied that he’s just tagging along with those guys so he could use their rocket, or at least that he made new friends in addition to me. You’re allowed to have more than one friend, you know.

**Maleficent:** Look how content he is without you.

**Riku:** That’s because he knows I’m okay, I don’t know why you dragged me away like this. Seriously, why are you trying to turn me into Horcrux-wearing Ron Weasley, it’s kind of annoying and makes no sense.

**Maleficent:** Because you’re better off without him, that’s why. Now think no more of him and come join the Dark Side with me. We have ways of finding what people are searching for…

**Riku:** …I think I’m better off on my own, or possibly joining up with Sora.

**Maleficent:** Aw, come on, I’ll give you some paperclips and Subway coupon!

**Riku:** Weeellllll, okaaaay!

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Cid:** So did you deliver that book?

**Sora:** AS ESTABLISHED, YES.

**Cid:** That GPS is installed and ready to go! You find any others, you bring them to me! Hell , I even threw in a Warp Gummi for lolz.

**Sora:** What’s that do?

**Cid:** It lets you teleport to different planets.

**Sora:** I WILL WORSHIP YOU FOR ALL TIME, MY BELOVED!

**Cid:** Keep in mind, you still have to manually fly there initially, and of course if you want the Gummi trophies you _will_ have to fly the routes over and over again, but if you want to avoid all that bullshit then just teleport from now on.

**Sora:** *has already started building a shrine to Cid in the vast spaces that are his shoes*

**Cid:** Creepy. Welp, time to get back to my real job! What’s my real job, you ask?

**Sora:** I didn’t ask you anything—

**Cid:** You’ll see! Come to the First District later!

**Sora:** Friggin’ cock tease.

**Aerith:** I’ve been thinking about the bell in the Second District for some reason.

**Sora:** That one that caused the earthquake?

**Yuffie:** Yeah, the one above the Gizmo Shop. There’s a legend about it, you know, one that I’m sure has no basis in fact whatsoever.

**Aerith:** But it’s all boarded up; nobody can get in there, not even Squall with his super sharp gunblade or the fire magic he junctioned to his attack points.

**Cid:** We’re sure your blunt instrument or the three of you crashing into it’ll do the trick though. Then ring the bell three times, see what happens.

**Sora:** Why three times?

**Cid:** Because you touch yourself at night.

**Aerith:** In the meantime, we’ll try and find out what Maleficent is up to. By standing here and doing nothing.

**Sora:** And a fine job you’re doing.

**Squall:** So that was a summon gem?

**Sora:** …I do not recall actually telling you about that, but yes?

**Squall:** Interesting…

**Sora:** …I wash my hands of this weirdness. *goes back out to the Third District* FUCKING HEARTLESS!

**Donald:** Wait! Cast Thunder on that piece of electrical crap over there with the lightning marks over it because I told you to!

**Sora:** You’re the boss, boss! *does so*

**Goofy:** …Did that even do anything?

**Sora:** Iunno.

**Goofy:** Man, I hate shit like this.

**Sora:** Don’t knock electrical crap, dude. They’re useful. I mean, they provide the electricity that the modern human needs. Without electricity there’d be nothing to stop me from scooping open your brain and eating the gooey contents within.

**Goofy:** Can we ditch this guy yet? I’m not a huge fan of cannibals.

**Donald:** Ehh…They’re a fan of you!

**Sora:** Now then, even though Cid’s still in the house we left him in, probably, he did tell us to meet him in the First District, so let’s check out his store.

**Donald:** How did we get stuck with you again? *follows him anyway*

**Cid:** *is already behind the Accessory Shop* Hey, that was quick!

**Sora:** Not as quick as you, holy shit!

**Cid:** Now you know. I’m in the Gummi block business.

**Goofy:** Whoa, you fixing up the ship for us would’ve never led us to believe that!

**Cid:** I know, that was fun, I wanna do more. Come by again and I’ll give you a big discount! Go ahead, take this Comet-G, it’s a special giveaway. Come to me for all your Gummi needs, got it?

**Sora:** Okay, we’ll just be going—

**Cid:** AND NOW FOR A LONG EXTENDED TUTORIAL ON HOW TO BUILD GUMMI SHIPS!

**Sora:** I WILL NEVER USE THIS FUCK OFF. *goes inside the Accessory Shop if only to get away from that bullshit*

**Pinocchio:** *is hiding with an item under the front desk*

**Jiminy:** *is back in the game now, unfortunately* Well as I live and breathe! If it isn’t Pinocchio! *hops down*

**Sora:** …Where was he this whole time?

**Pinocchio:** Oh. Hey.

**Jiminy:** What in the world are you doing under this desk?

**Pinoccio:** …Playing hide-and-seek.

**Jiminy:** To think you were here this whole time! I mean it’s not like I was forced into this game for the sole purpose of recording everything that happens in it so weird stuff can happen in Chain of Memories and so Coded could exist, and obviously I’ve been so worried about you that I haven’t once mentioned you until you showed up just now! And why are you lying?

**Pinocchio’s nose:** *grows longer*

**Jiminy:** Answer the question, why are you lying to me and what’s the truth?

**Pinocchio:** I’m not lying, I really was hiding! I may have exaggerated the part about me hiding for a game because I didn’t want to admit I was scared, but that’s hardly a big deal, is it?

**Jiminy:** And what’s this healing item doing with you?

**Pinocchio:** I found it!

**Jiminy:** Come on, now, you know you’re not supposed to tell lies! A lie only grows and grows, until you get caught! Plain as the nose on your face!

**Sora:** Not necessarily. I lie about enjoying the company of my extended family all the time, and they still haven’t caught on yet. Admittedly I have to keep pretending I still like them year after year in order to keep up appearances, but it’s not too bad, and you kind of have to do that around your family or people think there’s something wrong with you. People lie all the time about trivial stuff, just ask someone if you think an outfit makes their butt look big or if they like your new haircut, you’ll see exactly what I mean!

**Goofy:** And this whole nose-growing thing is creepy as hell, what happens when he gets older and other parts start randomly growin’ when he’s doin’ nothing but tellin’ the truth? What happens when he panics and runs crying to you?

**Jiminy:** Well that won’t happen at this point, he’s made entirely of wood!

**Goofy:** So was that thing I was just talking about.

**Donald:** *high-fives him*

**Pinocchio:** But if you want something, why wait? Why not just take it?

**Sora:** …Absolutely no segue, but okay.

**Jiminy:** Oh my! Who told you that?

**Sora:** Some motivational speaker who told him to seize any opportunity he could get in order to follow his dreams? They all sound like that, you know.

**Jiminy:** Would you be quiet, I’m trying to provide him with advice from his conscience!

**Pinocchio:** Oh yeah. I have a bug telling me right from wrong. Naturally. I’ll never tell lies as long as you’re around except when I do it right in front of you like I just did. *nose shrinks*

**Jiminy:** You need to be good so that you can become a real boy.

**Sora:** But who determines whether he’s good or not? There’s really no clear set of right and wrong; what may be right in one culture might be deemed sacrilegious in another. It all depends on where you live and the morals of those around you.

**Jiminy:** *shakes head sadly* A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing. Besides, Pinocchio promised Geppetto, didn’t he?

**Pinocchio:** Oh right! Do you know where Father is?

**Jiminy:** You mean he’s not with you?

**Pinocchio:** Does it _look_ like he’s with me? Would I be _asking_ if he was with me?

**Sora:** People are dumb.

**Pinocchio:** We have to go find him!

**Jiminy:** Whoa! Hold your jackasses! There are all sorts of dangers and temptations out there!

**Sora:** Yes, because temptations are your biggest concern over whether he or his father live or die. *facepalm*

**Jiminy:** I’ll go find Geppetto, so you just wait here alone in this huge town where at least one prostitute lives according to the manga adaptation. These guys’ll help me find him, won’t you?

**Sora:** Oh I did _not_ sign up for all this bullshit, I’m barely putting up with the bullshit I have to deal with right now!

**Jiminy:** Quit swearing in front of the impressionable child!

**Sora:** Go fuck yourself, Jiminy.

**Pinocchio:** I won’t lie as long as Jiminy’s around!

**Sora:** …We’re taking him on a trip with us, far away. Who knows when he’ll be back!

**Pinoccio:** …Heh heh heh…

**Jiminy:** I have a bad feeling about this…

**iheartmwpp:** All right, I am outta here! *saves and starts to take the Gummi ship to Agrabah* Why do some of the Heartless ships clip through meteors and hoola hoops—FUCK I FORGOT THE TRAVERSE TOWN KEYHOLE. *soft resets*

**Sora:** Well that was pointless. C’mon, let’s head to the roof of the Gizmo Shop. *has to go through the Gizmo Shop itself to get up there* Shit, this is a lot of Heartless…Does the shop actually work now, there are platforms and things that just went up. *after killing all the Heartless, jumps on platforms and up to the higher level* I’M SURE NOTHING BAD’LL HAPPEN IF I STEP ON THESE RANDOM BUTTONS! *stomps on all three*

**Goofy:** I don’t think it did anything bad besides make the clock go haywire.

**Donald:** It’s stuck at 6:54, and the clock face just vomited up postcards because of course.

**Sora:** That’s convenient. *pockets postcards* Okay, up we go!

**Red Trinity:** *is on roof*

**Multi-colored Nocturns:** *are also on the roof*

**Sora:** These green ones are kinda cute, I feel bad killing them.

**Donald:** They’re the enemies’ white mages, kill ‘em all.

**Sora:** I know, I know… *kills everything and activates Red Trinity* Okay, now I guess I just tug this rope…One, two, five!

**Goofy:** Three, sir!

**Sora:** Three!

**Donald:** …Did that fountain down there just set on fire when you did that?

**Goofy:** And sparkle? And sprout water?

**Sora:** And the new butterfly pattern just turned into a Keyblade for some reason. Wow, that would’ve been bad if the Heartless ever learned to blast through a wall and pull on a rope! Guess I better seal it even though I’m pretty sure I just got rid of all the Heartless down there. *jumps down, thankfully taking no fall damage* Man, Ezio ain’t got nuthin’ on me—Wait, why is the Guard Armor back?

**Guard Armor:** Hi, I’m back. *starts beating Sora’s ass*

**Sora:** *makes it collapse into a heap with little difficulty*

**Guard Armor:** *puts its hands where its feet were and its feet where its hands were while turning its torso upside down, creating the Reverse Armor*

**Sora:** …Well that’s a lazy design. How does flip-turning upside-down make you stronger.

**Goofy:** Well he didn’t just switch where his hands and feet were! He opened his helmet too, ya see?

**Sora:** …That usually makes one _more_ vulnerable. *eventually takes it out, though, dodging whenever the torso becomes a canon for some reason* And now I know Aero. Somehow. *seals Keyhole*

**Donald:** Good, we’re done. We even got another Navi-G piece out of the deal. We can now move on since there’s nothing else to do here.

**Goofy:** Well, we could always check out that book of Merlin’s—

**Sora:** WE’RE GOING BACK TO OLYMPUS FOR THE TOURNAMENT NO ARGUMENTS.

**Goofy:** Aww… *follows Sora back to the First District*

**Cid:** Hey, got another GPS Gummi there, eh? I’ll bet you want it installed.

**Sora:** Sure, why not.

**Cid:** Unfortunately this one’s a two-parter. You gotta find me the other half of this one.

**Sora:** Is this game nothing but fetch quests?! *leaves Traverse Town in disgust*

**Chip:** There’s a tournament being held at the Coliseum.

**Dale:** I hear there’s a great reward for the winner.

**Sora:** I am aware, now let me go! *teleports to Olympus* HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SO HYPE!

**Hercules:** Are you going to compete? It would be great to face you several tournaments from now when I actually bother to participate!

**Sora:** Cool.

**Sign:** Calling all heroes! Sign up now for the games! Or just walk in! Doesn’t matter really!

**Sora:** *just walks in*

**Phil:** I named this one after me!

**Sora:** Must be a pretty weak line-up, then.

**Phil:** Hey fuck you too! Get in there and get slaughtered.

**Sora:** Sure, sure…

**Donald:** *shoots random fireballs even when they’ve beaten all the enemies*

**Sora:** Seriously, why are you here. Also I don’t remember the Guard Armor being purple, what happened there. Also WE WON YEAH WE’RE AWESOME!

**Goofy:** I just gave Donald a Potion even though that was the last match and there’s a save point right over there! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** You people are useless.

**Phil:** I never thought you’d do it. Not bad.

**Sora:** You have such a way with compliments.

**Hercules:** You get used to it. And you, you’re proud, quit hiding it.

**Phil:** No way, they still have a long way to go before they don’t suck. There’re four tournaments total plus two special bonus rounds, one of them being the toughest fight in the entire game.

**Sora:** I know, why do you think I’m so obsessed with leveling up?

**Phil:** The next round’s startin’ soon. Next time it’ll be the real thing, meaning you’ll actually fight people other than Heartless.

**Sora:** I have a feeling I’m going to like that one…

**Phil:** You wanna go again? By yourself this time?

**Sora:** HELLZ YEAH! Huh. Fighting alone in the tournament without having to throw a Potion at Donald every two minutes is kind of…relaxing. I kinda like it. Hopefully I’ll be fighting solo more often, I could see myself enjoying that immensely. *learns Combo Plus at the end*

**Donald:** CAN WE MOVE ON NOW?!

**Sora:** Have we beat the time limit/gotten up to level 35 yet?

**Donald:** I hate completionists…

~Everything is done to beat Sephiroth. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review! Comment! Whatever! C'mon, I'll give you some paper clips and a Subway coupon!** _


	14. And If We Dream A Little Hardeeeeeer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _A/N: Seriously, I cannot recommend the Starkid Production entitled Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier nearly enough. If you love old-school Disney animated classics but acknowledge that not every movie can ever be perfect, you owe it to yourself to check it out. Also check out Starkid's other productions while you're still on Youtube, obviously, why wouldn't you._ ^_^
> 
> **Kind Of A Long-ish List Of Stuff I Was Not Clever Enough To Create And Thus Do Not Own:** _Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Pokémon, Airplane!,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Legend of Korra,_ Marik plays Vampire Rain, _Harry Potter,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh good. Another Gummi mission.~

**Sora:** …Is that a wormhole over there?

**Donald:** I think that’s what the GPS-Gummi unlocked, or at least the ability to see them. Somehow.

**Goofy:** Should…Should we go through it?

**Sora:** I’m not entirely sure—

**Donald:** GERONIMOOOOOO! *goes right through*

**Sora:** …Goofy?

**Goofy:** Yes?

**Sora:** I think I’m a sofa.

**Goofy:** I know how you feel.

**Sora and Goofy:** *high-pitched squeals of horror*

**Donald:** Apparently Cid installed an Improbability Drive as well. That was terrifying of him.

**Sora:** Are we there yet…Why does that planet have a castle for the north pole and a giant panther with a glowy mouth for the south pole?

**Donald:** Who knows, might as well land and find out.

**Goofy:** I _really_ regret signing up for this…

~I love how the palace and the Cave of Wonders are made out to be the only parts of this world and yet we never actually go inside the palace itself at all.~

**Title Card of the Lamp:** I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE IN AGRABAH RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS.

**Maleficent:** Friggin’ hate those things. So did you find the keyhole yet?

**Jafar:** The Heartless are searching for it now. We’ll find it as soon as the Keyblade wielder does, I’m sure. Now all we have to do is—

**Gilbert Gottfried:** Hey Jafar! Aren’t you glad I reprised my role for these games?

**Jafar:** No, though at least I did as well.

**Iago:** So anyway, bad news. It’s the princess. We’ve checked everywhere, except that booth over there, but she’s nowhere to be found. It appears she’s run away.

**Jafar:** Oh, all her talk of freedom! I should have seen this coming!

**Iago:** I agree. This is all your fault, Jafar!

**Jafar:** Well don’t just stand there, go out and find her! Leave no stone unturned! I have an errand I must attend to. Ah, Princess…You poor, naïve girl! I only hope you haven’t fallen prey to some sex-crazed ruffian!

**Maleficent:** You said you had things under control. This never would’ve happened if you fixed the socio-economic inequality like you promised!

**Jafar:** You must forgive our princess; she’s youthful, but well meaning!

**Maleficent:** Do not feed me a shit and call it couscous, Jafar.

**Jafar:** Why do we even need Princess Jasmine? With her or without her, surely this world will be ours when we find the Keyhole.

**Maleficent:** Don’t call me Shirley. And besides, we need all seven Princesses of Heart to open the final door.

**Jafar:** But there are, like, twenty-three THOUSAND Disney princesses by now! And they just keep adding more, they _just added_ Queen Elsa and Princess Anna not to mention Rapunzel—

**Maleficent:** Just because one is a _Disney_ Princess doesn’t mean they’re a Princess of Heart. Alice is while Ariel isn’t, for example.

**Jafar:** Yeah, I never really understood how _Alice_ met the requirement, of all people…

**Maleficent:** But yeah, we only need the seven. The trick is tracking down all seven.

**Jafar:** Well, if the Princess is that important, we’ll find her. I am a servant to the people, and therefore your servant. *turns around* You guys, find Jasmine and bring her to me at once.

**Bandit Heartless:** M’kay. *are wearing huge turbans, carrying scimitars, and are dressed in Arab-like garb*

**iheartmwpp:** …Okay, I’m an ignorant white American, how offensive are these Heartless?

**Maleficent:** Don’t fall too deeply into the darkness. You’re a pretty good partner, I’d hate to watch the Heartless devour your flesh, no matter how sick a Heartless you’d make yourself.

**Jafar:** *bursts into song*  
 _The road ahead may twist, but I will never swerve_  
 _I’ll give them all the unsung anti-hero they deserve_  
 _I’ve nothing left to lose, so the only path to choose_  
 _Is twisteeeeeed_  
 _Let them twist my words; let the people scorn me_  
 _Who cares if no one will ever mourn me_  
 _Let them bury the side of the story they’ll never leeeeaaaarn_  
 _Let the truth be twisted_  
 _Let my life be twisted_  
 _I’ll be twisted, it’s my tuuuuuuuuuuuurn!_

**Jasmine:** *cowering behind one of the stalls* …Dude’s got pipes.

~HOW DID THEY NOT SEE HER.~

**Sora:** WHY ARE WE FIGHTING HEARTLESS IMMEDIATELY I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS.

**Donald:** We may not have to do quicktime events in this game, during cutscenes at least, but apparently we still have to be prepared and never let go of the controller ever.

**Sora:** Hang on, let’s try the desert real quick.

**Desert:** *apparently leads right back to Agrabah*

**Sora:** …It really is a small world after—

**Donald and Goofy:** YOU WILL DROWN IN YOUR OWN FLUIDS THIS NIGHT.

**Sora:** …We found an extra save point, though—

**Donald:** No one cares.

**Goofy:** C’mon, let’s move up the street.

**Red pots:** *turn into Pot Spiders*

**Sora:** …The balls do these Heartless have the wherewithal to disguise themselves like this?!

**Woolie:** What is the evolutionary cycle of, like, a thing that learns to look like a power-up?

**Matt:** Uh, I was gonna say, you know, there’s like those snakes that, they thrive on their ability to look like badass snakes?

**Woolie:** *laughs*

**Matt:** But they’re actually shit snakes?

**Woolie:** *still laughing* Could you imagine like an animal in our day and age that like, it looks like a cheeseburger?

**Matt:** *laughs*

**Woolie:** And then you approach it and it just fucking explodes on you?

**Matt:** *cackles harder*

**Woolie:** It just—It releases toxins?!

**Matt:** HA HAA!

**Woolie:** _What the fuck?!_

**Sora:** *jumps up on convenient boxes and platformed walls* Hey look, a pole! IMMA CLIMB IT. *climbs it, ends up in Aladdin’s house*

**Carpet:** *is underneath a chest of drawers or something*

**Sora:** Is that…Is that _rug_ struggling to get free?

**Donald:** Maybe we shouldn’t touch it, it could be dangerous or cursed or something—

**Sora:** *immediately frees the carpet*

**Donald:** Why do I bother.

**Carpet:** *bows to Sora and flies off*

**Donald:** Here’s hoping that wasn’t Vaatu or something…

**Sora:** It seems to be going for the desert.

**Goofy:** But didn’t we try to go through the desert and end up exactly where we started?

**Sora:** Yeah, but maybe this triggered some kind of, Iunno, event or something.

**Donald:** Only one way to find out!

**Sora:** Hold on, gotta finish looting what is clearly a stranger’s house. Sweet, a Megalixer! *moves another chest for no reason* HEY LOOK A KEYHOLE! *sticks his Keyblade in*

**Donald:** Oh for fuck’s sake.

**Goofy:** Shut up, he apparently had to do that because obviously.

**Donald:** The hell would you know without a strategy guide or without going around the room waiting for a trigger to pop up.

**Sora:** *goes back to main street* Yo let’s head down this alley. *heads down the alley* HEY LOOK A PERSON!

**Jasmine:** How is it that a bunch of stupid kids and animals can find me but a bunch of monsters supposedly competent enough that Jafar trusts them to get the job done can’t.

**Heartless:** FUCKING BOXES!

**Marik:** Heh heh, foxy boxes…

**Jasmine:** So I’m Jasmine, and my father is the Sultan of Agrabah. I have no idea if I should be wearing a veil or not but most signs point to yes.

**Goofy:** So you’re probably a princess even though you’re probably dressed way more closely to a belly dancer?

**Jasmine:** Well I never left the palace before and I’m spoiled as hell so my father let me wear whatever I wanted and this is most comfortable for me.

**Sora:** Sounds like a cool dad.

**Jasmine:** He was before my father deposed him and took over. I’m not sure whether or not this means Jafar killed him or if he just turned him into a mindless jester off-camera which is where he’ll stay for the duration of the game. Either way, I’m kind of in major trouble right now.

**Goofy:** Who’s Jafar?

**Jasmine:** You haven’t heard of him?

**Goofy:** …Hence the question, you dumb fuck.

**Jasmine:** He’s the royal vizier. He’s gained evil powers that he already kind of had and seized Agrabah. Now he apparently plans to destroy it or something, it’s unclear what his plan is with the Heartless and everything, but he is looking for the Keyhole. Kiiiinda hoping he wants to protect it so he can continue to rule the world; sure we’ll all be subjugated under his rule but at least we’ll still have a planet. Jafar caught me trying to escape, but he helped me.

**Sora:** …So Jafar helped you escape from…himself?

**Jasmine:** No, someone _else_ helped me.

**Sora:** Enough with the motherfucking pronoun game, just give us names already, Jesus!

**Jasmine:** We were hiding nearby, but he left a while ago to take care of something… But he’s so generous! Sticking his neck out for a girl he just met while expecting absolutely nothing in return! And then insisting that I stay with him last night!

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Jasmine:** Don’t worry, he does it all the time.

**Sora:** THE NAME! GIVE ME THE RETCHED NAME!

**Karkaroff:** BARTY CROUCH!

**Rita Skeeter:** Gasp!

**Karkaroff:** _Junior!_

**Jasmine:** No, Aladdin.

**Sora:** …Like _Arabian Nights_ Aladdin?

**Donald:** Aladdin, that’s weird…It’s two Ls…

**Goofy:** Uh…NO! No, one L, two Ds.

**Donald:** Oh, God. Oh, that looks weird.

**Goofy:** Yeah, it’s weird.

**Jafar:** We suddenly appear to be voice acting! So where Aladdin be at?

**Jasmine:** Oh. You. Aren’t you busy ruining my life?

**Jafar:** Well I noticed you weren’t at dinner, but I saw you try to poison my wine! Usually when you do that, it means you want to talk. What’s up, are you mad at me?

**Sora:** …So you don’t want an answer to your question of where Aladdin might be…?

**Jafar:** I’m convinced everything that’s not royalty or working for royalty is equivalent to rodents, apparently.

**Sora:** Jasmine, run! *draws Keyblade*

**Jasmine:** Okay, see you when I’m kidnapped. *runs off*

**Jafar:** Ah, the boy who holds the key.

**Sora:** Picked that up by the fact that I’m a boy who’s holding a giant key, didja?

**Jafar:** Oh yes, I’m incredibly intelligent like that, you see.

**Sora:** I’m sure you are.

**Bandit Heartless:** *show up*

**Jafar:** You lot murder them while I sashay off like a boss. *sashays off like a boss*

**Sora:** Friggin’ forced battles… *kills them all and jumps up to the platform that Jafar was on* Okay, so where did Jasmine run off to…And why is the environment clipping through the walls several times in this one location… *looks at doorway Jafar went through* Crap! The doorway’s been blocked with boxes and barrels that are similar to what I’ve been picking up and destroying with ease thus far! *sighs in defeat* Guess I better find another way around…

**Donald:** What’s this giant keyhole doing—

**Sora:** IT MUST BE THE KEYHOLE TO THIS WORLD IMMA STICK MAH KEYBLADE IN IT. *sticks his Keyblade in it*

**Gate located in general area:** *opens*

**Donald:** Ohmygod, Sora, you can’t just stick your Keyblade into any old Keyhole!

**Goofy:** …Oh I get it.

**Sora:** I don’t get it.

**Goofy:** It’s like sex.

**Sora:** *is too busy jumping across random yet strategically placed platforms that keep falling down to get the joke* DAMN IT WHY DO I NOT JUMP IMMEDIATELY WHEN THE CIRCLE BUTTON IS PRESSED I KEEP HAMMERING DOWN ON IT AND I ONLY JUMP SOMETIMES.

**Donald:** Something tells me you need a new controller.

**Sora:** I _literally_ just bought one for Christmas a couple months ago. Shelled out for a brand new Sony one and everything.

**Donald:** Oh. Then I don’t know what to tell you.

**Sora:** *goes through gate he just unlocked* So we can jump along these canopies or whatever that are surprisingly sturdy, but then we can’t do anything because of all the invincible barrels and boxes and things. MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.

**Donald:** And because of all these impossible passes, there’s nothing left to do except check the desert again I guess.

**Sora:** Fine, whatever.

**Carpet:** *flies over to stand around in the middle of the desert, somehow not getting blown away by the wind*

**Sora:** It wants us to follow it.

**Goofy:** How can you tell?

**Sora:** I now speak carpet apparently.

**Goofy:** You are seriously a Gary-Stu, aren’t you.

**Sora:** ALL ABOARD! *jumps on*

**Donald:** I have a bad feeling about this…

**Goofy:** And I just realized that Disney now owns that reference. This is hilarious to me.

~Oh look, Aladdin’s dying. That’s cute.~

**Abu and Aladdin:** *are drowning in quicksand*

**Aladdin:** I do _not_ recall this happening in the movie. Or any other adaptation, frankly.

**Sora:** WE MUST SAVE THIS RANDOM STRANGER IN THE HOPES THAT HE WILL REPLACE DONALD FOR THE MOST PART IN THIS LEVEL.

**Donald:** Please dine on many dicks. Seventeen, perhaps.

**Sora:** *is killing all of the things…and is somehow the only one leaving footprints in the sand…*

**Aladdin:** Even though you killed all the bandits, I appear to be dead already—Just kidding! All better somehow!

**Goofy:** There’s just so many even though we could’ve kept going and leveled up all we wanted while ignoring Donald’s many, _many_ deaths!

**Aladdin:** I am now standing up in quicksand. I have no idea why I didn’t just do that to begin with. *rubs lamp* Genie, get rid of these guys!

**Genie:** *poofs into being* Wish number one, coming right up! Too bad there wasn’t any time to trick me into doing this, frankly…Wait, how’d you know I was even in here, I would’ve saved you already if we were still in the Cave of Wonders, why’d I dump you into a swirling vortex of terror.

**Bandit Heartless:** *disappear*

**Sora:** …Did you get rid of _all_ of them for all time?

**Genie:** Well, I guess I could’ve done that, since Al never really specified one way or the other, but I really only just got rid of the ones right in front of you.

**Sora:** Poop-face.

~One off-screen conversation where apparently nothing of value was actually revealed later…~

**Carpet:** *drifts by leisurely*

**Aladdin:** I see. Thanks, Sora.

**Sora:** So you’re Aladdin, huh? Aren’t you supposed to be Chinese? And why didn’t you use the djinn in your magic ring to get you out of there?

**Aladdin:** …The hell are you talking about?

**Sora:** *resigned sigh* Never mind. Anyway, what’re you doing out here? And how come it’s no longer dusk or whatever and is now daytime again?

**Aladdin:** No idea on the second, but hunting treasure or some bullshit on the first. Just paid a visit to the Cave of Wonders. I found that magic carpet, then brought it back home and shoved it under a box. I’m a nice guy like that.

**Carpet:** Yeah I’m not sure why I went back for this guy.

**Aladdin:** Then, after stealing some shoes off a dead body—

**Sora:** You did _WHAT?!_

**Aladdin:** Hey, don’t give me that look! I’m not a bad guy! I only steal what I can’t afford!

**Sora:** Says every pirate ever…

**Aladdin:** And that’s everything!

**Sora:** Whoa, how bad’s the socio-economic inequality in this place?

**Aladdin:** Really bad, dude. *bursts into song*  
 _Did you know in this barbaric country_  
 _They only give you money if you work?!_  
 _Thanks but no thanks, The Man_  
 _I’ll keep stealing all I can_  
 _Instead of being a fascist, yuppie jerk!_

**Sora:** _Hippie!_

**Donald:** _Fucker!_

**Goofy:** _Slacker!_

**Aladdin:** _Sucker!_  
 _Who would seek employment_  
 _When life offers such enjoyment~!_  
 _Anything I get, I can get for free_  
 _Besides the economy’s shit_  
 _So I make haste with making exists_  
 _Get chased by a murderous mob_  
 _Hey man, still beats gettin’ a job!_  
Am I right?

**Sora:** No. So what happened after you were a terrible person.

**Aladdin:** Oh, right. Apparently I went back to the Cave of Wonders a second time to get the lamp. Or something. Legend has it that whoever holds the lamp can summon the—

**Genie:** Please, kid, leave the intros to a professional! The one, the only, GENIE OF THE LAMP!

**Sora:** …Um, who—

**Genie:** Dan Castellaneta.

**Sora:** Oh…

**Goofy:** Okay, even I know you guys are called djinn.

**Genie:** Oh please, little children can’t pronounce that!

**Sora:** Oy vey…

**Genie:** Rub-a-dub-dub the lamp and have your dearest wishes granted! *confetti appears* Today’s winner is…ALADDIN! CONGLATURATIONS!

**Donald:** Any wish can be granted, eh…

**Genie:** Patience, my annoying-as-all-hell friendly-friend!

**Donald:** …I’m getting mixed messages here…

**Genie:** Any _three_ wishes!

**Sora:** Actually, both djinn in the story had a limitless amount of wishes between them, though the one in the ring was weaker than the one in the lamp.

**Genie:** There are a few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos. Ah, rule number one: I can’t kill anybody. *slits throat* So don’t ask. Rule number two: I can’t make anybody fall in love with anybody else. *smooches Aladdin* You little punim there. RULE NUMBER THREE! *is a zombie* I can’t bring people back from the dead. It’s not a pretty picture. I DON’T LIKE DOING IT! *is normal again* Other than that, you got it! But ex-nay on the wishing for more wishes. That’s it, three! Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, extensions, or refunds. Then I go back inside the lamp, which according to _Once Upon A Time in Wonderland_ is actually nice and cute and cozy.

**Aladdin:** No one watched that, shut up.

**Genie:** Then what’s Will doing in the regular show?

**Aladdin:** Still refusing to contribute in any meaningful way apart from “Oh hey it’s that one guy from that one _cancelled for a reason_ thing.” Also apparently getting over Anastasia pretty well, wouldn't mind this one working out.

**Sora:** Oh, that's nice for him.

**Genie:** So this guy made his first wish already, and I am implying that it was supremely difficult for some reason. But he has two left, so hopefully he doesn’t waste them like that again. So, Master, what’ll you have for Wish! Number! *drumroll* Oooh, a real drumroll, nice! TWO! *shows spotlight on Aladdin*

**Sora:** …How come only the first movie got the Genie right, despite Robin Williams doing the _King of Thieves_ threequel?

**Goofy:** Probably didn’t let him improvise as much.

**Sora:** Ah.

**Goofy:** Hey, points for trying.

**Aladdin:** How ‘bout making me an insanely wealthy prince? I’m gonna have so much gold, I’m gonna swim through it. Like a pool…Think people can really do that?

**Sora:** No.

**Aladdin:** Ah. Though I maybe I could wish for Genie to at least turning off that fucking horn that he keeps squeezing in the background?

**Genie:** Money, royalty, fame! You asked for it! Seventy-five golden camels, purple peacocks fifty-three, a world class menagerie, ninety-five white Persian monkeys, sixty elephants, llamas galore, bears and lions, a brass band and more, forty fakirs, cooks and bakers, and birds that warble on key, coming right up! Just say the word and I’ll deliver in thirty minutes or less, or your meal’s free!

**Sora:** *chuckles* Okay, that one wasn’t bad.

**Genie:** Hey, I’ll even through in a cappuccino!

**Sora:** And you blew it by pushing it.

**Aladdin:** And I don’t even like coffee.

**Genie:** Fair enough. Though I feel like I should point out that magic always comes with a price.

**Aladdin:** Then I’ll definitely have to think about it more, so I think I’ll put any and all other wishes on hold ‘till we reach Agrabah. Wanna have the full musical number happen where the two or three people who usually inhabit the town can actually see us, anyway.

**Goofy:** Why a prince, if I may ask?

**Aladdin:** You see, there’s this girl in Agrabah named Jasmine.

**Sora:** Thought her name was Badroulbadour.

**Aladdin:** Which is precisely why it was changed to Jasmine. Because no.

**Sora:** Hard to blame that one, yeah.

**Donald:** *whispering to Goofy* Did he just say Jasmine’s name used to be Bulbasaur?

**Goofy:** *cannot stop laughing* A-hyuk!

**Aladdin:** *staring off whistfully* She’s got these eyes that just…And her butt—Wow. And her tatties! Oh…She’s just…She’s just so…

**Sora:** Beautiful?

**Aladdin:** Fuckable.

**Sora:** …

**Aladdin:** But she’s the princess. To even stand a chance, I’d have to have enough money to, like…hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards.

**Donald:** Why is it taking us so long to put shit together?

**Goofy:** Because we’re stupid beyond belief.

**Sora:** Yeah, considering Jasmine said specifically that a dude called Aladdin helped her escape, you’d think we’d have told him how we heard about him and what happened to his friend. So…Yeah. She’s in an insane amount of trouble, maybe, since she could’ve reached somewhere safe when I told her to run but I doubt it, so we should probably save her or something.

**Aladdin:** WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT WHEN YOU MET ME, WE HAVE TO GO SAVE HER RIGHT NOW.

**Sora:** Why aren’t you wishing for Jasmine to be safe right now?

**Aladdin:** Because shut up.

**Sora:** *immediately switches Aladdin for Donald because of course* Why is Donald still on the Carpet with us, I _literally_ just got rid of the useless sack of shit.

**Donald:** *dully* I’m just crying buckets out of my tear holes.

**Genie:** Ah, fresh air, the great outdoors…

**Sora:** I guess you don’t get out much, huh?

**Genie:** Comes with quoting the actual movie for once in-game instead of in-parody. _**PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!**_ Shiiitty-shitty living space. It’s always just the three wishes and then back—

**Sora:** IT’S AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WISHES UNTIL THE PERSON WHO’S IN CHARGE OF YOU DIES, WHY CAN’T YOU BE TRUE TO A THING, THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE USEFUL.

**Goofy:** Because the stakes would be way lower, same if there were two djinn from the get-go.

**Sora:** …I will shut up now.

**Goofy:** Good boy.

**Genie:** I’m lucky to see the light of day every century or two…Which REALLY sucks when some douchebag or other summons me _at_ night and makes all three wishes at once.

**Sora:** Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention with this guy’s ass in my face.

**Aladdin:** …Should probably warn you, I had a few loafs of stolen raisin bread before I left for the second Cave of Wonders trip and bread makes me kind of gassy—

**Sora:** OH GOD WHY.

**Aladdin:** …So anyway, Genie, am I allowed to free you from the lamp, or…?

**Genie:** As long as I don’t fell in love with the person you’re married or promised to or whatever, it should be fine maybe—Wait, you’d do that for me?

**Aladdin:** I’m a hell of a guy! Though this comes _after_ we help Jasmine, of course, which…I may or may not have to use my last two wishes on helping us save her, it depends on how it goes.

**Genie:** I completely understand, though I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t get my hopes up like that.

**Aladdin:** I am also, how you say, kind of a dick.

~I enjoy Twisted references, Twisted references are fun.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll be cursed with PHENOMINAL COSMIC POWERS and shitty, shitty living space.** _


	15. Our Patience And Our Ardeeeeeer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **So Many Things That I Don't Own:** Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Visier, _Legend of Korra,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Mario, Uncharted 3,_ Pokémon ‘Bridged, Berserk Abridged, _Berserk_ outtakes, _SpongeBob SquarePants,_ Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _Naruto, Firefly,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And we have to immediately fight again or risk dying—Hey, Aladdin’s really competent! I’m not used to this even though I was hanging out with Tarzan a planet ago!~

**Fat Bandits** *exist now*

**Sora:** …Not a big fan of these guys. *spams Blizzard like whoa*

**Goofy:** Have we been in that storage room yet?

**Sora:** We have not. *leads the way in* Hey cool, a chest! Up on that really high shelf, crap. Aladdin, you’re a pretty tall dude, think you can reach it?

**Aladdin:** I dunno, man. Maybe I could get to it if I used the tip of my sword to nudge it down, but I don’t really wanna risk it falling on my head.

**Sora:** What if I got on your shoulders?

**Aladdin:** With _those_ shoes?! I wanna live, thanks!

**Sora:** I can take them _off,_ you know!

**Goofy:** Looks like it’ll have to wait until Donald’s back in the party.

**Sora:** Awesome, let’s go get him right now—

**Goofy:** And then we’ll have to wait ‘till we gain the ability to stack each other to reach high places.

**Sora:** …Why.

**Goofy:** Because fuck you, that’s why.

**Sora:** *exits storage area* Damn it, why’d they block off Main Street with the Impassable Boxes of Death, now we have to find a way around…

**Aladdin:** What about up there?

**Goofy:** That had more boxes before but doesn’t now for some reason.

**Sora:** I don’t like being boxed into this area like this…

**Goofy:** *collapses to the ground laughing*

**Sora:** …What?

**Aladdin:** Boxed in by boxes? Geddit?

**Sora:** No…?

**Aladdin:** But you said it.

**Sora:** So…?

**Aladdin:** Never mind, let’s just go through.

**Sora:** M’kay. *goes through* Oh, it’s just the Alley again. I wonder if we can get to that one area again—Sweet, we totally can!

**Aladdin:** *singing softly as they enter the Bazaar*  
 _Hey, clear the way in the old bazaar_  
 _Hey you, let us through, it’s a bright new star—_

**Sora:** Heartless now, sing later.

**Aladdin:** Oh, right…How is my weapon even having any effect, by the way, I though we needed a Keyblade in order to fight them.

**Sora:** Their rules are arbitrary and ever-changing, don’t worry about it.

**Aladdin:** Well okay then.

**Goofy:** There’s another Keyhole up there. Sora, do the thing.

**Sora:** *does the thing*

**Aladdin:** I psychically know we can now get to the palace, we should go see if Jasmine and Jafar are there or not. But first let’s stop by my house for some more expositional conversation.

**Sora:** Right behind you!

**Goofy:** I hate everything.

**Aladdin:** *back at his place* So, Jafar is after Jasmine and this “Keyhole.”

**Sora:** Yes, that is exactly what we’ve just finished describing to you.

**Genie:** It’s plot-relevant that I know this information somehow, I guess. Maybe because I’ve spent over ten thousand years existing, but because of that it’s more than a little fuzzy…

**Donald:** You didn’t hear it ten years ago, that’s for sure, Agrabah’s shockingly absent from that game.

**Genie:** No, it was two hundred years ago, at least, but the Heartless weren’t around back then so I really have no idea what happened then…

**Sora:** Please don’t give Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama any more ideas, kun. We need to stop Jafar before whatever he’s planning for comes to pass.

**Aladdin:** Right, through that gate thing, then!

**Sora, Goofy, and Aladdin:** *go through the gate and see Jafar and Jasmine standing below*

**Aladdin:** Jafar!

**Sora:** Jafar?

**Goofy:** *momentarily bursts into song* _Jafaaaar~!_

**Aladdin and Sora:** …Why.

**Jafar:** Sexual predators, the lot of them! Just look at their tactics. They target vulnerable young girls, and build up false senses of trust, and then isolate them on magic rides of a sort. And then when the moment is right…They whip it out.

**Jasmine:** *disgusted look*

**Jafar:** You know. Their songs.

**Jasmine:** Oh. Songs.

**Jafar:** Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. A song is often a prelude. To a dick.

**Jasmine:** *facepalms*

**Jafar:** *look of realization* A song is a dick in sheep’s clothing! And if you are ever in doubt, just remember this song. *bursts into song*  
 _A song is a dick in sheep’s clothing_  
 _A song means a dick is on the way—_

**Aladdin:** Jafar! *jumps down with Sora and…no, just Sora. Huh*

**Jafar:** Setting your romantic sights a little out of your league, aren’t we, boy?

**Sora:** Hey, I _totally_ have a chance with Kairi—

**Aladdin:** He was talking about me, dude.

**Sora:** …You are _not_ a boy.

**Aladdin:** Hey, I’m only thirty-three! I think I’ve seen it all, but I forget how young I am sometimes.

**Sora:** …Riiiiight…

**Jafar:** I won’t allow someone like you to harm the Princess in any way!

**Aladdin:** Hang in there, Jasmine!

**Jasmine:** I’m so sorry, Aladdin!

**Aladdin:** …For what?

**Jasmine:** For causing you so much trouble!

**Aladdin:** Trouble? Heh. You’re only in trouble if you get caught!

**Jafar:** …Well I’ve caught the Princess, so…

**Aladdin:** Shit, we’re in trouble!

**Sora:** …I almost miss Donald…

**Jafar:** Oh! Right! Boy! Did you get the lamp?

**Aladdin:** Well I got _a_ lamp.

**Jafar:** Oh wonderful, boy! Toss it here!

**Aladdin:** Not so fast! You said you wanted a common oil lamp!

**Jafar:** Yes.

**Aladdin:** Of absolutely no value.

**Jafar:** Precisely! That’s the one!

**Aladdin:** Nah, this couldn’t be it. ‘Cause this lamp has a magic djinn inside. He came out for a bit, and he’s _really funny._

**Jafar:** No, I know about the djinn. I’m sorry that I deceived you, I just needed it to save the kingdom!

**Aladdin:** Well you lied, dude! All that other treasure was just lava in disguise! And now Imma use the djinn on your ass! Genie, save Jasmine!

**Jafar:** Oh shit.

**Genie:** *carrying Jasmine* I’m Batman!

**Jafar:** So sorry, but I’m afraid your second wish has been denied!

**Iago:** *carrying the lamp to Jafar* How the fuck did he not notice that?!

**Aladdin:** *looks down at his empty hand* Wha—How the fuck did I not notice that?!

**Jafar:** *is now holding the lamp*

**Genie:** Aww, poopface. *drops Jasmine in a red pot*

**Jasmine:** … _OW?!_

**Pot Spider:** *is created*

**Jafar:** And now, without caring whether my target is alive or dead, I leave you to all be killed by this thing. But before that, I’m going to combine this bottle of potassium chlorate and this bottle of sodium bicarbonate. It will create a large cloud of smoke which I’ll use as a cover to make my escape. It will look as if something magical has happened, but it’s simply a chemical reaction. Not sorcery, chemistry. AND POOF!

**Aladdin:** *whimpering* We were in the same area as a sorcerer!

**Sora:** I…I can’t…I can’t even…

**Two other red pots:** *aspload and reveal a giant bug head and butt, respectively*

**Red pots:** *all combine together with the bug heads to make a giant Pot Centipede*

**Sora:** Well I guess the best way to save her is to smash all these pots and not care if she’s in any of them.

**Aladdin:** I AM IN FULL FAVOR OF THIS PLAN. *helps you kill everything*

**Goofy:** *dies*

**No one:** *cares*

**Sora:** …The head and ass are the only parts left. I…I think we killed her.

**Aladdin:** *collapses to his knees* NOOOOOOOOOooooo…ooooooOOOOO!

**Goofy:** I’m unconscious! A-hyuck!

**Ray of Light:** *is obtained. And never used*

**Jafar:** Sorry, boy, but your princess is in another desert.

**Aladdin:** We gotta follow her!

**Heartless:** Yeah no.

**Aladdin:** Balls.

**Sora:** Let’s regroup before we do anything else.

**Aladdin:** Fine…

**Sora:** *leads the way, going through the inventory* We’re kinda running low on Hi-Potions considering Goofy keeps dumping them on Donald whenever it’s just the usual party.

**Goofy:** Hey, I didn’t program the AI, back off.

**Sora:** Regardless of how, we need more supplies.

**Aladdin:** Go talk to that rug merchant over there.

**Goofy:** No, guns! Weapons!

**Aladdin:** He’s not really a rug merchant?

**Goofy:** …Oh!

**Sora:** Oh hey, it’s that really racist dude from the beginning of the movie!

**That one merchant guy:** What? How am I racist?

**Sora:** “Where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face,” much?

**That one merchant guy:** No, “Where it’s flat and immense and the heat is intense!”

**Sora:** The soundtrack was never changed, and you still said the whole “land from a faraway place” was barbaric!

**Aladdin:** Also what’re you doing in my house.

**That one merchant guy:** PLOWING YOUR MOTHER.

**Aladdin:** I was orphaned at thirty-three, she’s like super dead, so what’re you actually doing here?

**That one merchant guy:** PLOWING YOUR MOTHER.

**Aladdin:** Oh that’s your answer to everything.

**That one merchant guy:** Please buy something, though, we’re barely scraping by.

**Sora:** *buys a shitton of Ethers and Hi-Potions*

**That one merchant guy:** Oh praise Allah—

**Sora:** Also I’d like to sell all these Protect Chains I’ve picked up off the street, basically coming away with more money than what I came in with.

**That one merchant guy:** …

**Sora:** OKAY THANKS! *leads the way back out* I still hate the fact that I can’t jump high enough to get to any of those chests up top. *fumes* Damn it, Roxas could make these jumps in Days without having to wait for the High Jump panels so why can’t I?

**Roxas:** Because I can jump inexplicably higher than you during that game but return to your pathetic-ness at the beginning of KHII for some reason.

**Sora:** …Well that’s stupid.

**Roxas:** Your _face_ is stupid!

**Sora:** WE HAVE THE SAME FACE YOU IDIOT!

**Goofy:** *chatting with Donald who was dragged back momentarily for Blue Trinity purposes* I’m beginning to get a little bit concerned.

**Donald:** What do you mean?

**Goofy:** It’s just…Look at how Sora’s slowly been regressing into a murderous psychopath. What does that say about the people who are actually playing this game? Can playing violent video games such as this turn otherwise model citizens into sociopathic child molesting kitten murderers?

**Donald:** Oh please, we’re just beating up imaginary shadow puppets with a giant key, _and_ these levels are mostly centered in various Disney movies, and everyone knows that those are the epitome of childhood innocence where nothing bad ever happens and have no unfortunate implications whatsoever.

**Aladdin:** *is back in the party* CAN WE MOVE ON TO THE DESERT NOW PLEASE.

**Sora:** You could’ve got a head start on us, you don’t have to stay with us, you know!

**Aladdin:** For some reason I’m unable to move more than four feet away from you unless we’re fighting.

**Sora:** Huh. Weird.

~The flight over to the Cave of Wonders is done with surprisingly little fanfare.~

**Sora:** …It’s just a giant sand pile, what—

**Cave of Wonders:** *forms into existence* WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER. ALSO WHY DON’T I NEED THE TWO SCARAB BEETLE NECKLACE THINGS IN ORDER FOR ME TO APPEAR. ALSO ALSO WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY LINES IN THIS GAME.

**Aladdin:** I don’t remember his eyes glowing purple.

**PurpleeyesWTF:** *is a guy on YouTube who’s really funny, you should go check him out*

**Sora:** I think they signify that the Cave’s been taken over by the powers of darkness.

**Cave of Wonders:** DARKNESS! IMPRISONING ME! ALL THAT I SEE! ABSOLUTE HORROR! RUH RUH RUH! RUH-RUH-RUH RUH! RUH-RUH-RUH RUH! I DON’T KNOW THE WORDS!

**Aladdin:** …So we have to beat up the Cave and then go inside its mouth.

**Sora:** This world is _fucked up._

**Cave of Wonders:** *shoots lasers from its eyes and is annoyingly hard to climb on top of so you can stab its eyes out*

**Sora:** This would’ve been a _really_ good time to have High-Jump as a thing. *shoots fireballs into the Cave’s face over and over again, chugs an Ether, and begins again*

**Heartless:** *are spit out of the Tiger’s mouth and are now helping the Cave massacre the party*

**Aladdin:** This is all Jafar’s fault! *is doing an actually decent job of helping out*

**Goofy:** *is doing a less impressive job but still better than Donald would’ve done*

**One of the Cave’s eyes:** *eventually turns from evil purple to happy yellow…which is like the opposite of most people overtaken by darkness in these games but whatever*

**Other eye:** *is also eventually cleared up*

**Cave of Wonders:** *is now kinda just sitting there open-mouthed for the rest of the game except when it’s not*

**Aladdin:** And now we jump in and out of its mouth whenever we want!

**Goofy:** Uh, I don’t know about this…

**Sora:** Meh, we went through Wonderland, not much bothers me anymore except for all of the things that will end up bothering me. *leads the way inside* …This looks absolutely _nothing_ like it did in the movie.

**Heartless:** Hey, fall down that bottomless dark abyss of death, would you?

**Sora:** Ehhh…I don’t really _feel_ like it.

**Weird square wooden faces several rooms down:** We wish to spray you with water until you fall down.

**Sora:** These guys are weirdly insistent about wanting us to fall down into the abyss. Let’s continue to ignore them because fuck that. *jumps over the faces*

**Aladdin:** _Here_ we go, I remember the Treasure Room from last time.

**Sora:** There’s a giant column in the way, we can’t get past it. Maybe we _should_ go downstairs to the pits of hell or whatever—OH LOOK A CHEST FULL OF PUPPIES!

**Goofy:** *jumps down into the abyss with them* It’s just rooms full of water and random platforms that are annoying and maze-like.

**Sora:** So I touched that one jewel with the Keyblade and it lit up and something happened, but how’re we gonna grab the one that’s all the way the fuck over there?

**Abu:** Yah-yah! *jumps off of Aladdin’s shoulder and touches it*

**Aladdin:** Hey, Abu! Where’ve you been this whole time?

**Abu:** *doesn’t answer as he’s mysteriously vanished again*

**Sora:** …What are we using for a light source down here, anyway?

**Goofy:** Iunno, but maybe this Torn Page’ll come in handy—

**Sora:** Put it away and never speak of it again.

**Aladdin:** Yo, switch me out with Donald for a bit.

**Sora:** Why would I ever do that.

**Aladdin:** Because I saw a Red Trinity back in the Treasure Room, it might lead to a thing so do the thing.

**Sora:** Sigh, fine.

**Donald:** TEN THOUSAND YEARS’LL GIVE YOU SUCH A CRICK IN THE NECK!

**Sora:** Shut up, Donald. You’re not funny.

**Goofy:** Hey, there’s a column over there! It probably rises all the way to the top. Maybe if you break it…

**Sora:** KATON: GOUKAKYUU NO JUTSU! *shoots Fire at it*

**Column:** *collapses slightly*

**Goofy:** That attack actually _hit_ something?!

**Sora:** I’m shocked my own self.

~RANDOM CUTSCENE NO JUTSU.~

**Jasmine:** I’m unconscious! A-hyuk!

**Jafar:** *holds up lamp* My future’s about this long right now! Are you referencing something? Are you trying to make me laugh like some kind of work of fiction that I’m unaware of? I was not charmed by the song you sang when you came out of the lamp, and I am not charmed by your crazy bullshit now! You either need to _**BACK ME THE FUCK UP,**_ or _shut the fuck up._ Got it?!

**Genie:** *sniffs* You had me at hello.

**Jafar:** Good. Now, for my first wish, I command that you show me where the keyhole is!

**Genie:** Well aren’t you lucky that it’s conveniently in this room. POINT! *points*

**Wall:** *explodes*

**Keyhole:** ‘Sup.

**Jafar:** Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh…

~…What was the plan with the world’s Keyhole, anyway, was he going to defend it considering if the Heartless had taken over the planet would’ve been wiped out and he wants to rule it?~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll be surrounded by young boys who whip out their songs.** _


	16. Will Rid Us Of That Ugly Old Jafaaaaa-aaaaaa-AAAAAAAAAR~!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **So Many Things I Do Not Own:** Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, a Very Potter Sequel, _Captain Planet, Harry Potter, Legend of Korra, Firefly,_ None Piece, Dragonball Z Abridged, _Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, Once Upon A Time,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~It’s actually really hard to level up here considering all the Heartless are trying to knock you down below where there aren’t any monsters whatsoever and everything’s really narrow.~

**Sora:** Quick, back up the stairs! *leads the way to the Treasure Room* …Wait, there’s a save point already here?

**Goofy:** And all that Red Trinity did was give us a Mythril Shard and some munny…

**Donald:** …I can still be usefu—

**Sora:** *immediately drags Aladdin back*

**Aladdin:** TEN THOUSAND YEARS’LL GIVE YOU SUCH A CRICK IN THE NECK!

**Sora:** *bursts out laughing* You weren’t there for that long! Oh Aladdin, you’re so funny!

**Donald:** Oh come on, that’s the same joke I used from before!

**Sora:** Yes, but Aladdin told it better. *leads the way into the next room*

**Maleficent:** I sure hope you haven’t goofed this one up, Jafar.

**Jafar:** Aladdin is proving himself to be more of a problem than previously anticipated. So…We ever gonna bring Riku in on this more, or is he just crashing in some room in Hollow Bastion whenever he’s not onscreen?

**Sora, Goofy, and Aladdin:** *run in*

**Sora:** Hey, are you this Maleficent chick we keep hearing about?

**Maleficent:** Kill him now, Jafar. And don’t. Fuck. It. Up. Disapparate! *Disapparates*

**Sora, Goofy, Aladdin, Jafar, and Jasmine:** Ah, magic! *shield eyes*

**Aladdin:** Jafar, I’m here to take Jasmine back from you!

**Jafar:** Look, you’re young. You don’t exactly get how things work yet. And while I don’t appreciate…any of your ideas, I do appreciate the fact that you have ideas! Maybe someday you’ll have some good ones!

**Aladdin:** I dislike you with great intensity.

**Jafar:** Also something about her being one of seven people able to, with their powers combined, open some kind of door.

**Goofy:** What, is she a Horcrux or something?

**Donald:** And what’s with this door crap, which door are we talking about here and how can seven seemingly random girls open it?

**Sora:** Didn’t I kick you out of the party?!

**Donald:** Cutscenes, man, cutscenes.

**Sora:** I hate everything.

**Jafar:** Doesn’t matter, Imma kill you all anyway. Come forth, my djinn! You all powerful and terrible thing! You who can command the very stars and the moon! Come forth and serve your master!

**Genie:** *is there now for some reason as if he always was even though he wasn’t* You talkin’ to me?

**Jafar:** Yes, I am talking to you, so get your ass over here!

**Genie:** Heeeere’s Johnny!

**Jafar:** That’s nice, now crush them.

**Genie:** Uh, there are a couple of provisos, a few quid pro quo.

**Jafar:** GENIE, DO THE THING.

**Genie:** Damn it.

**Aladdin:** Genie, stop!

**Genie:** Don’t look at me like that! These are my orders from Jafar! This is all his fault.

**Aladdin:** But I thought a genie couldn’t kill anyone!

**Genie:** You’d be surprised what you can live through.

**Jafar:** Observe as I somehow summon invisible walls for some reason so you can’t escape, rescue the princess, _or_ get to the Keyhole! Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh!

**Sora:** Forget about Genie and focus on Jafar! *hops from platform to platform, beating Jafar over and over*

**Jafar:** Wait how am I flying like this.

**Sora:** Because you’re a fucking sorcerer?

**Jafar:** Nonsense! Sorcery is a craft for fools and dreamers. I am a man of science. I believe only in what I can touch and feel. *shoots lightning bolts out of his magic staff*

**Sora:** This would be so much easier if I knew how to glide… *dodges everything and just hits Jafar over and over again, occasionally hitting him with Thunder*

**Aladdin and Goofy:** *are mainly just dodging Genie and throwing Hi-Potions at each other and Sora whenever it’s necessary*

**Genie:** *always apologizes before attacking, and if his attack actually hits always supplies health items, which I’m fairly sure he’s not allowed to do* GENIE IS A BAD DJINN! BAD GENIE! BAD GENIE! *beats head into wall repeatedly*

**Jafar:** You have appeared to have electrocuted me to death.

**Sora:** *gets an ice upgrade for his troubles* Yeah, that makes sense. *tests out Blizzara* Sweet.

**Goofy:** Okay, we can either go over to the unconscious girl who may or may not have a concussion and we have no idea what condition she’s in, or we can beat up some more monsters and leave her stranded in the middle of a cave for hours and hours with no visible food or water supplies.

**Aladdin:** Well what are we waiting for? Let’s do what we came here to do and go save Jas—

**Sora:** WE NEED TO LEVEL UP MORE, LET’S GO.

**Aladdin:** …I don’t think I like you very much.

**Sora:** Hey, you don’t _have_ to come with us, you know.

**Aladdin:** Fine, let’s pop back to the previous room so you can switch me out with Donald and I can—

**Sora:** You’re coming with us and that’s that.

**Aladdin:** I HATE MY LIFE!

**Donald:** Can I join you yet?

**Sora:** I did see a Trinity downstairs…

~Seriously, that’s all I ever use Donald for if there’s a chance I can switch him out for any reason.~

**Sora:** Well that was fun, wasn’t it.

**Aladdin:** I dislike everyone with great intensity.

**Jasmine:** I’m still unconscious.

**Aladdin:** WAIT FOR ME, MY BELOVED!

**Jafar:** I’m still alive, BTDubs.

**Genie:** Also, apparently we were here the whole time.

**Sora:** …Dude, I was gone for, like, four hours, you could’ve changed into a genie and fucked off with Jasmine at any time.

**Jafar:** That first thing sounds like a good idea, Genie, do that thing.

**Genie:** *turns Jafar into an all-powerful jdinn*

**Jafar:** *is all glowy and stuff, and descends into a lava-pit which may or may not be the depths of hell itself*

**Jasmine:** Stiiiiill unconscious…Don’t bother getting me out and away from here and to somewhere safe before you progress or anything…

**Goofy:** Okay, we won’t.

**Jasmine:** I’m up to my tits in morons.

**Sora:** *looking beyond her* I wonder what would happen if I just sealed the Keyhole right now—

**Aladdin:** WE NEED TO TAKE ON THIS ALL-POWERFUL GENIE. *jumps into pit of _boiling fucking lava_ *

**Sora:** RIGHT BEHIND YOU. *also jumps into pit of _boiling fucking lava_ * …What’s with all the rising and sinking platforms, what is the purpose of this.

**Jafar:** *ascends from lava in his red genie form* I DON’T KNOW BUT CHECK OUT THIS SHIT! THE POWER! THE ABSOLUTE _POWAH!_ *swirls stars and lights in his hands and shit* THE UNIVERSE IS MINE TO COMMAND! _TO CONTROL!_

**Aladdin:** Not so fast, Jafar! Aren’t you forgetting something?

**Jafar:** Huh?

**Aladdin:** You wanna be a djinn? You got it!

**Jafar:** What?!

**Aladdin:** Everything that goes with it! *points at lamp that Iago’s carrying*

**Iago:** Why don’t I ever bother trying to make wishes with this thing, is it programmed not to work for birds or what? *flies to the edge of the area*

**Sora:** Ignore the djinn, kill the bird, got it.

**Iago:** *flies in place like a fucking dumbass for half the fight while I just bash him over and over*

**Jafar:** Maybe if I throw fireballs at this guy…

**Sora:** Ow. *keeps fighting because that barely did anything to him at this point*

**Iago:** And now I am the dead. Bleh.

**Jafar:** …Well I think that’s enough fun for one day, huh, friends?

**Sora:** *sucks Jafar into the lamp*

**Jafar:** …This has just not been my day. *is defeated*

**Fire:** *is upgraded to Firaga*

**Sora:** AND he apparently had the first of Ansem’s reports shoved up his ass. If he even had an ass as a djinn, I don’t even know. Eh, I’ll have a look at that later.

~Oh hey, Jasmine was watching that the whole time apparently. Unless anyone managed to distract her in a made-up scene…~

**Jasmine:** So you abandoned everything to be free? That is so brave.

**Riku:** Brave? Me? *shrugs* Yeah. But I was kinda forced into it. I had to grow up fast. My life has just been…so hard.

**Jasmine:** *sympathetic look*

**Riku:** All my parents ever did was support me, give me a place to stay, tell me they loved me, no matter what…They were really bad parents.

**Jasmine:** Riku, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…

~And then she was kidnapped. Again. I’m beginning to see a pattern here.~

**Carpet:** I apparently stuck around, though out of sight, just for the purpose of saving you after everything was already done.

**Goofy:** …Thanks…?

**Aladdin:** I AM IN DESPAIR. THE FACT THAT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE HAS GONE MISSING FOR LIKE THE SEVENTEENTH TIME HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR.

**Sora:** That’s nice, Imma visibly ignore you and close the Keyhole or whatever.

**Donald:** Wouldn’t it be funny if she came to and jumped down into the _boiling fucking lava_ after us, but instead of landing on the miniscule and somehow not melting platforms like we did she actually fell _into_ the lava?

**Goofy:** It sure would! A-hyuck!

**Keyhole:** *disappears entirely*

**Aladdin:** …Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what’s going on here.

**Cave of Wonders:** I’m collapsing, that’s what.

**Goofy:** Whoa, we’d better get out of here!

**Aladdin:** WAIT, I’M STILL CONVINCED THAT JASMINE’S STILL IN HERE!

**Sora:** WELL SHE’S NOT, SO GET ON CARPET AND SHUT UP!

**Donald:** Did…Did anyone actually grab Genie’s lamp? Or Jafar’s for that matter?

**Carpet:** Hey, dodge these stalagmites, stalactites, flying boulders, and giant columns of lava for me, would you?

**Sora:** I don’t remember any of these areas being in the Cave of Wonders before—OW MY FLESH.

~Fun fact: When last I played that section, my controller chose that moment to die so Sora went all the way through that without moving at all. X3~

**Aladdin:** How did we get to my house so fast and why are we just now taking the time to discuss how Jasmine’s no longer in Agrabah, we had the whole carpet ride back here to talk about it. Oh who cares, Sora, we need to find her.

**Sora:** As much as I’d love to permanently switch out Donald for you, I can’t actually take you with me. For some reason.

**Aladdin:** Why not, I’m a really good fighter and even if I went to other planets, no one would actually believe me if I told them about it. Plus we have an insanely magical djinn right here, me believing in this crap is not out of the realm of possibility. And if it’s about your ship being too small, you have the ability to build a bigger one now, do you not?

**Goofy:** His logic _is_ pretty sound—

**Donald:** No we are _not_ taking him to another world, we’re constantly meddling enough as it is and we shouldn’t have even done all that in the first place.

**Aladdin:** What’s this about other worlds? I _can_ hear you, you know.

**Sora:** Look, we’ll find her for you, okay? We promise.

**Genie:** Hello? Earth to Al? We’re voice acting again instead of just using text boxes! Also you still have one wish left, and even if you didn’t, you could always just pass me off to one of the other guys and _they_ can wish for my freedom.

**Sora:** Would wishing for Riku and Kairi use up two wishes?

**Genie:** Yep!

**Sora:** Okay, done deal, let’s do this!

**Aladdin:** Nah, I’m wishing you free right now.

**Genie:** *is freed* Cool, legs are cool. Also lack of cuffs, that’s pretty sweet…B-But what if Sora _doesn’t_ make it back with Jasmine? What if you just blew your one chance of getting back the love of your life and the _heir to all of Agrabah?!_

**Aladdin:** Eh, bros before hoes.

**Genie:** …One of these days you’re going to have to learn that life isn’t about dreams coming true. It’s a series of compromises and disappointments.

**Aladdin:** You don’t mind doing favors for me?

**Genie:** Nope!

**Aladdin:** Well do you think you could just get Jasmine back for me directly instead of taking the slower and less likely bullshit route of being occasionally if not never getting summoned by these guys to fight monsters and not help in the search at all?

**Genie:** Of course not! After all, I’ve got to help them out when they need me and never extend the same courtesy to you, even though you’re the one who freed me from eternal slavery and those three did absolutely nothing!

**Aladdin:** I wish Dobby were here.

**Genie:** Sorry, Al, even if I _were_ still granting your wishes I still couldn’t bring people back from the dead.

**Aladdin:** I am so freaking adorable. *brushes hair out of his huge Disney eyes*

~This scene right here? This is exactly what I wanted more of.~

**Hades:** Today, things got a little out of hand, and a lot of good people are dead. *smirks* So many great things have happened today! This is all Jafar’s fault!

**Riku:** I RESCUED THE PRINCESS!

**Maleficent:** Jafar was beyond help, trying to combine Twisted’s kindly fatherly helpful persona with the Disney evil, power-hungry, slightly perverted and creepy persona. The effort was too much for him and he was consumed by his own confusion. One should beware of letting the flames of any not-happy emotion burn too brightly. Geddit? ‘Cause your hair’s made of fire? You see what I did there?

**Hades:** Go fuck yourself, bitch. Oh, by the way, kid, we’ve got a little surprise for you.

**Riku:** I get a present?! *starts hopping up and down excitedly*

**Maleficent:** …It isn’t any more candy, that’s for sure. And I thought the wielder of the Keyblade was excitable…But no, we found your girlfriend.

**Riku:** *massive eyeroll* She’s a friend who is female, two of those can be heterosexual and not be involved in heterosexual activities, you know.

**Maleficent:** I will never believe that. Just go to her already, we’ve got a boat waiting for you.

**Captain Hook:** Just remember, you’re only here temporarily and I’m gonna make you work your ass to the bone.

**Riku:** Uh-huh, how’s Snow’s daughter doing?

**Captain Hook:** Well I gave up my ship for her and she immediately snogged me, but it’s still a bit of a trial to get her to emotionally open up to me. Slowly but surely we’re making progress, though.

**Riku:** Good for you. But seriously, though, why’re you all doing this for me? I kind of refuse to believe it’s coming from the kindness and goodness in your hearts.

**Maleficent:** Oh please, you’re like a son to me. I only want you to be happy. *tries to stroke Riku’s cheek*

**Riku:** *bats her hand away* I need an adult.

**Maleficent:** I am an adult.

**Riku:** Plus as far as I know I don’t have much of any kind of parental complexes so I’m probably not desperately looking for a mother figure and am probably using you guys as much if not less than you’re using me. So try again.

**Maleficent:** Well, you’re easily manipulated so we don’t have to get our hands dirty and can focus on other things, plus we’re hoping to possibly maybe turn you yourself into a particularly strong Heartless so we can control you and kill more planets, not to mention it would be nice if you were to be possessed by the villain of the game so you could gain a power boost and go through massive amounts of character development over the course of the rest of the series.

**Riku:** Oh, well if that’s all… *sashays off to join Captain Hook*

**Maleficent:** I hate seeing you leave but I love—

**Hades:** Oh come on, enough with the pedophilic subtext that’s basically just text at this point, we’ll see enough of that in Days, let’s not start it here, okay?

**Maleficent:** Oh, you’re no fun anymore.

~Not gonna lie, was kinda wishing for some Riku gameplay in the Final Mix version where we follow what he’s been doing and stuff.~

**Genie:** You can now summon me even though I know you never will.

**Aladdin:** And I don’t know how I have a Keyblade keychain thing, but here ya go. *gives Sora Three Wishes*

**Sora:** Sick. *immediately equips it because of course*

**Donald:** How do we know we’ve learned the Green Trinity?

**Goofy:** I wanna know why we can only use it in certain places instead of trying it anywhere.

**Aladdin:** Sora, please find Jasmine for me.

**Sora:** No.

**Aladdin:** …Huh?

**Sora:** I already agreed to do it before, but since you keep hounding me I no longer want to do it.

**Aladdin:** Sora, you promised—

**Sora:** Ah, I’m just yanking your chain, ‘course I’ll do it.

**Aladdin:** *disgusted* This is all your fault, Jafar…

**Sora:** Come on, guys, I know I saw a Green Trinity that one time. *leads the way outside where he suddenly recognizes someone behind one of the booths* WAKKA!

**Boy:** …I’m sorry, who?

**Sora:** Oh, sorry, I know a guy who looks just like you, right down to the headband, only he’s white and has red hair. Also he’s annoying as fuck and I constantly wanted to shove his blitzball up his ass. You seem nice enough, though.

**Boy:** …

**Sora:** …I just realized we never see any pallet swaps of Selphie hanging around anywhere. That’s certainly telling of something or other, isn’t it…

**iheartmwpp:** *heading back to a save point after getting the Green Trinity that was filled with an AP Up that was immediately given to Sora* Mickey’s gloves, it’s been a while since I’ve played this. In addition to tracking down the green trinities, I still have to get up to level 40, and I still need to go back to the Tarzan level and grab those fruits so I can get all the items and crap. Now which world’s next? *checks strategy guide* …Oh. Monstro. Brilliant. *throws guide across room and beats herself to death with controller*

~ _The life of a completionist/Is fraught with complication…_ Okay, no more Twisted references, I promise. For this game, anyway…Mwa ha ha haa…~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll be thrown into a pit of BOILING FUCKING LAVA.** _


	17. Wow, A Whale! You Know, I Speak Whale...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yet another list of stuff I don’t own:** Code MENT, _Lord of the Rings, Anchorman, Doctor Who,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _The Avengers,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~So after heading back to the Accessory Shop in Traverse Town like the game prompted me to…~

**Sora:** Oh sure, _now_ you allow me to stand on your shoulders while Donald hops up on me so we can grab the ladder. GIVE ME A LOGICAL EXPLANATION AS TO WHY WE COULDN’T DO THAT BEFORE.

**Goofy:** Because fuck you, that’s why.

**Sora:** Oh, well that’s all right then. *climbs ladder* There are Moogles everywhere.

**Moogle:** That one door that was just previously locked is now unlocked, kupo.

**Sora:** It’s like you were trying to drive away customers. Just for that, I’m taking all your shit. *opens chests* YOU WERE HIDING _PUPPIES_ IN HERE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

**Moogle #1:** Conglaturations, kupo! You have now unlocked the synthesizing mini-game, kupo! Keep coming back with the shit the Heartless have dropped for sick prizes, kupo! No seriously, Ultima’s like the best weapon in the game, you kind of need to get it if you wanna beat Sephiroth, kupo.

**Sora:** WE ARE DOING THIS THING BECAUSE I SAID WE ARE NOW.

**Moogle #2:** We’re weak pathetic babbies so we need you to get items for us, kupo. But the shit we make is usually totally worth it, kupo.

**Sora:** Not a problem!

**Moogle #3:** So we gonna do this or what, kupo?

**Sora:** Absolutely! *assembles nearly every available item with ease because he’s been picking up a _lotta_ shit* Damn, really wanted that EXP earring…

**Moogle #3:** We know you did, kupo.

**Sora:** …We have to do Monstro now, don’t we.

**Donald:** There’s always the Winnie the Pooh level—

**Sora:** MONSTRO IT IS.

~One Warp Drive to Agrabah later…~

**Goofy:** So Atlantica or Halloween Town?

**Donald:** Atlantica _is_ the easier world—

**Sora:** I always went to Atlantica whenever I played this on vanilla, let’s switch it up a little.

**Donald:** …You _are_ trying for the Gummi Ship Collector trophy, aren’t you?!

**Sora:** *mumbling* It’s the only one I’m missing besides playing through on Normal, leave me alone.

**Goofy:** I admire your balls, kid.

**Sora:** …Ew. Donald, can we just get moving or what?

**Donald:** Sure, whatever. *starts heading for Halloween Town*

**Monstro:** I am a thing you have to deal with. Aren’t you so pleased.

**Donald:** …Das fook?

**Sora:** If it weren’t for the High Jump ability…

**Monstro:** Imma charge at you now. *charges at them now*

**Goofy:** Wow, a whale! You know, I speak whale! Ahem! Wwwwweeeeeeee nnneeeeee- _eeeeeeeed_ to fIIIIIIIInd his _**friiiiiieeeeennndds.**_

**Jiminy:** …Are you sure you speak Whale?

**Goofy:** Can yoouu…mmmmgive uuus dir _EEEEECTIIIOOOOONS?_

**Jiminy:** Heaven knows what you’re saying!

**Monstro:** *swims over their heads*

**Jiminy:** Well at least he’s swimming away. That was Monstro, though I have no idea where that name came from. He’s a whale of a whale, you know.

**Sora:** Heaven knows what _you’re_ saying…

**Goofy:** Come _**baaaaaaaaaaa**_ **uuuuck!**

**Donald:** Don’t call him back! You’re _offending_ him!

**Goofy:** Maybe a different dialect. MMMOOOOAAAAMM- _mmmoooooooo_ **aaaaaaaahhh!**

**Jiminy:** Goofy? Goofy, this is not whale. You’re speaking, like, upset stomach.

**Goofy:** Maybe I should try humpback.

**Jiminy:** NO DON’T TRY HUMPBACK!

**Goofy:** _**HHOOOAAAAAOOOH. HOOOOOAAAAUUUUGH.**_

**Sora:** All right, you actually sound sick.

**Goofy:** Maybe louder, huh? HRAAAACK!

**Jiminy:** Don’t do that!

**Goofy:** HRRAAAAC— *covers mouth* Too much orca. Didn’t that sound a little orca-ish?

**Jiminy:** It doesn’t sound orca, it sounds like nothing I’ve ever heard!

**Goofy:** OO _AAAAP_ -BOOO-ooooooo _oooooooooooo_ ooooooooo…

**Donald:** It’s just as well, he might be hungry.

**Goofy:** Don’t worry, space whales don’t eat spaceships, they eat space krill.

**Space krill:** FLY AWAY!

**Goofy:** Oh look, space krill!

**Donald:** Sora, get us out of here!

**Sora:** I thought _you_ were driving!

**Monstro:** Nom.

~HOW THE FUCK CAN WHALES BREATHE OR EVEN LIVE IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE.~

**Sora:** It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes!

**Riku:** You sure you didn’t just hear it this time?

**Sora:** Nope, I’m definitely having a flashback of us on the island together roughly nine years ago! And besides, I’m trying to tell you about this awesome, huge monster I found in the bushes, why aren’t you excited?!

**Riku:** Because I’m a year older than you and therefore have to pretend like I’m grown up already and no longer have the patience for your childish schemes. 

**Sora:** Oh, you’re no fun anymore.

**Riku:** Fine, whatever, suppose there really is a monster…Wait, what six-year-old even knows what “suppose” means. But in any case, we’re barely even in school yet, how can we hope to beat this thing on our own? Shouldn’t we get your father or something?

**Sora:** Nah, we got this! *leads the way to the Secret Place*

**Riku:** My God, we were mother-licking adorable!

**Sora:** Uh-huh! And listen, can’t you hear the monster growling?

**Riku:** Easy, dude, we gotta be careful. *goes in* Aaaaaand it was just the wind. Well that was anti-climactic.

**Sora:** Crap muffins, I wish it’d been a monster, that would’ve been a nice change…Hold on, what’s that over there?

**Door to presumably the heart of Destiny Islands:** *is there*

**Riku:** Was this always here? Why do I think it’s a window when it’s barely even a door? It won’t open.

**Sora:** Should we speak friend and enter?

**Riku:** We could try. What’s the elvish word for friend?

**Sora:** _Mellon!_

**Door:** *stays shut*

**Sora:** So that’s it for this place, huh? Must be the first time we discovered it.

**Riku:** Yay. We found one new thing in this tiny breathtaking oasis of pure happiness. Whoop-dee-flippin’ do.

**Sora:** I bet we could draw on these rocks…

**Riku:** Hey, Sora.

**Sora:** Hmm?

**Riku:** I presumably just ran into Terra less than a year ago, ‘cause now I’m obsessed with getting off this island and travelling or at least moving to some other place that’s not here. We’ll be able to go on actual adventures and not just pretend anything anymore!

**Sora:** Sounds hype. As long as I’m with my friends, I’m pretty good with anything. That being the case, what can we do that’s fun now?

**Riku:** What about that red-head girl you found on the beach? I heard she’s living with the mayor now.

**Sora:** I guess we could go visit…but doesn’t she have cooties or something?

**Riku:** Nah, that’s just Selphie, the new girl probably hasn’t caught them yet, we should make friends with her before she gets them so she won’t act all weird like other girls.

**Sora:** Good idea!

~GAAH WHITE LIGHT. Now I can barely see anything, perfect…~

**Sora:** *slowly regains consciousness*

**Donald:** LOUD NOISES!

**Goofy:** *holding his shield over his head* Hey, Sora! Are you okay? I wanted to give you a Hi-Potion to make you feel better but Donald’s been hoggin’ them all.

**Sora:** …Where are we and what are you doing.

**Flying health item:** *falls from the sky*

**Sora:** Well I guess it can’t be too bad a place!

**Goofy:** Judging by the fact that the last thing we saw was Monstro swallowing us, I’m willing to bet that Monstro done swallowed us. And for today’s weather, expect showers! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** Goofy, we’re inside a whale’s mouth. Unless whales can generate saliva, it can’t rain.

**Goofy:** No, I was referring to the falling items.

**Sora:** Ah. I did not catch that.

**Goofy:** I think a Mega-Potion just fell on my head. Why that didn’t get absorbed into my body and into our shared inventory, I have no idea.

**Donald:** I am just now asking who’s throwing shit at us even though we’ve probably been here for hours.

**Pinocchio:** *is digging through a treasure chest* ‘Sup, nerds!

**Donald:** Oh, it’s just Pinocchio. Wait, the last time we saw you, you were still in the Accessory Shop in Traverse Town! How’d you get all the way out here?

**Pinocchio:** Iunno.

**Jiminy:** I could’ve come out of Sora’s hood at any time, but I chose not to. I’ll express concern now, though!

**Pinocchio:** Didn’t I smash you at one point, why are you still a thing. *walks off with what looks like a gummi*

**Jiminy:** Pinocch, listen to me when I talk to you! Don’t you walk away from me, Pinocch!

**Sora:** I have no idea why he doesn’t listen to you.

**Jiminy:** Quick, you guys, we have to go after him!

**Sora:** No, _you_ have to go after him. _We_ have to figure a way out of this mess. *searches for items before getting too close to the boat triggers a cutscene*

**Geppetto:** What’ve you got there, Pinocchio?

**Pinocchio:** We can get out of here with this, Father! Not by lighting a fire to make the whale sneeze us out, nor by waiting till it’s asleep and just walking the fuck out while hitching a ride on a fish we saved, but by utilizing this random green block I found in some fashion!

**Geppetto:** …I somehow doubt that.

**Sora:** Actually, he’s not wrong.

**Geppetto:** Oh wow! A normal child-person, and two walking, talking animals in clothes! Though considering we have a giant fox and cat thing wandering around our own world, giant duck and dog things don’t disturb me in the least.

**Sora:** *clambering up onto the half-digested ship* So you never answered my question from earlier, how’d you get from Traverse Town to here, dude?

**Geppetto:** Oh you poor things. Monstro swallowed you too, did he?

**Sora:** Seems that way.

**Geppetto:** My name is Geppetto. I’m Pinocchio’s father-person.

**Sora:** Yes, we know who you are.

**Geppetto:** We were separated, presumably when our old planet was destroyed, and I traveled around in the vacuum of space on this wooden boat, looking for him. Thank goodness we’ve finally managed to find each other, even if we’ll end up dying together! Only the best for my little wooden boy!

**Pinocchio:** Who’s that guy who’s running deeper into the whale’s innards?

**Riku:** Hey kid, wanna come with me? I’ve got some candy in my van.

**Pinocchio:** YAY CANDY! *immediately runs off*

**Geppetto:** *picking up gummi block* So you seem to know Pinocchio quite well. Anything I should be worried about?

**Sora:** No, we only met him the once and he was busy hiding from monsters that were surrounding the town, and considering he was in one of the few legitimately safe places we kind of just let him be.

**Geppetto:** Ah, okay then. Has he been a good boy, do you think?

**Cleo:** CAMEO! And no the cat’s not here.

**Sora:** Ah poop.

**Donald:** What’re we trying to tell each other?

**Goofy:** I have absolutely no idea.

**Geppetto:** Well, I’d say we all deserve a break. We’ve all had quite a journey, after all.

**Sora:** So what’s the plan?

**Geppetto:** Plan? What plan?

**Sora:** Well, what are we going to do?

**Geppetto:** Do? Why, wait to be digested, of course.

**Sora:** Digested? I don’t want to be digested, I want to escape. How big is this whale?

**Geppetto:** Its body alone is two miles long; and that’s not counting its tail.

**Goofy:** It’ll certainly feel that way…

**Geppetto:** Pinocchio, come help me with this, would you? Pinocchio? _Pinocchio?_

**Pinocchio:** I can’t hear you, I’m running off to be digested more quickly.

**Geppetto:** Oh not again. I warned him not to wander off while in here. I’d rather we dissolve in the stomach acid together. Because that’s the way you show you truly love someone. Not by encouraging them to outlive you, but by going together so you don’t have to be “alone.” *turns to his chest of drawers and stares at it until you try talking to him again* Hey, could you go on yet another fetch quest and grab my kid for me? I’d do it myself but I’m old as shit.

**Goofy:** *keeps walking into walls while I’m talking to Geppetto*

**Geppetto:** I wonder if this one singular random green block will help us escape…Maybe we can cling to it in the vacuum of space and pray we end up by Traverse Town?

**Donald:** Question! Exactly how have you kept alive?

**Geppetto:** That whale had swallowed a ship full of cargo: salted meat, biscuits, raisins, cheese, coffee, sugar, bottles of wine, candles, boxes of matches. It has served me well these past two years. But now my resources have run out. This candle you see is the last, my food is gone. And it’s easy to get lost in such a huge place like this. The positioning of the boxes and barrels…Don’t really help at all, to be honest. Oh, and beware of the green monsters floating around that are apparently part of every whale’s digestive system because of course. I mean, the only green Heartless are those Green Requiems and the rest are not all that green whatsoever, but you know what I mean.

**Sora:** Uh-huh. Oh, a save point! *checks menu* …We can leave right the fuck now, you guys.

**Donald:** Hey, yeah, in the context of this level, where _did_ the Gummi Ship end up, anyway?

**Goofy:** And on our way out, why didn’t we think to take these two with us, they can’t take up _that_ much space!

**Sora:** *leads the way to the next area* …What the fuck is this supposed to be.

**Donald:** Is this really what whale intestines look like? Because if so…ew.

**Goofy:** I think it’s kind of colorful! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** This hurts. This hurts so much. I thought the "logic" everyone tried to use in every world we’ve come across was terrible, but this is so, so much worse in every way. Fucking hate this level.

**Pinocchio:** I’m hiding! IGNORE ME!

**Sora:** Found you! Come on, let’s head back, I don’t particularly like this level and would prefer to get it over and done with.

**Goofy:** You know, your father’s really worried about you, since I know that’s the only thing that’ll get you to cooperate.

**Jiminy:** Even though I’m his conscience, I’m not going to do a single thing to help!

**Sora:** Why do we even put up with you. Anyway, come on, kid, stop fooling around. We are _inside a giant carnivorous whale who does not shy away from eating people._ This is no time for games, this shit’s serious.

**Pinocchio:** You even hear the tale of Jonah?

**Donald:** I wouldn’t consider him a role model.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *start to head back, not even bothering to check if Pinnochio’s following or not. What responsible people!*

**Riku:** Wow, you of all people actually taking shit seriously. I honestly never expected that of you, Sora. Kind of impressive, actually.

**Sora:** *whips his head around* Oooh! Plot happening!

**Riku:** Or are you just becoming more and more arrogant now that you’re the main character in a hugely popular franchise beloved by children and adults alike?

**Sora:** Riku! What’re YOU doing here?!

**Riku:** I’m tending to the wounds of a baby bluebird WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M DOING HERE?!

**Sora:** Oh. The whale ate you too.

**Riku:** Probably. Either that or I intentionally came here to kidnap the puppet.

**Sora:** Oh. Okay then. *smiles widely* I missed you, man! What’re you doing here and why am I not glomping you again?

**Riku:** Possibly sheer surprise on the latter, playing with Pinocchio on the former. He’s just a little kid, I find him endearing and want him to be happy.

**Sora:** Did you find Kairi yet?

**Riku:** D’you know, I _did,_ actually!

**Sora:** Really?! That’s fantastic! Where is she? Is she all right?

**Riku:** Well, you see…

**Sora:** Oh God, she’s not all right, is she…

**Riku:** It’s not that…Well it _is_ that, but…See, I’m kind of an asshole now, driven probably by jealousy considering that _I_ was supposed to be the main character but you _happened_ to be third in line for the Keyblade so you just happened to take my and possibly Kairi’s place. Sooo…CATCH ME IF YOU CAN AND IF YOU DO I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW WHEEEEEEE~! *grabs Pinocchio and fucks off*

**Sora:** …Well he’s a twat. C’mon, guys, let’s follow him!

**Goofy:** Okay!

**Donald:** Got nothing better to do…

**Jiminy:** I should be _way_ more involved in this level—

**Sora:** And we thank Mickey every day that you’re not. *takes a single step forward and is swarmed by ghost Heartless* FUCKING GHOST HEARTLESS.

~There is absolutely no point of trying to explain and describe my way through this fucking maze except to rant about how terrible everything is.~

**Sora:** Fuck it. *rips out vanilla strategy guide* Final Mix shouldn’t have changed too much—OH SURE, JUST DON’T FALL OFF THAT ONE PLATFORM SO YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THAT ONE AREA, OF COURSE, WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT.

~If anyone actually _does_ figure it out without a strategy guide or any kind of walkthrough, good on you, seriously.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll be swallowed by a whale that doesn't have normal whale innards, and will somehow be much, MUCH worse because of it.** _


	18. DID YOU JUST VOLUNTARILY JUMP DOWN A WHALE'S ANUS?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **All Of The Things That I Do Not Own:** Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Ransom,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _Harry Potter, One Piece,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Why is Maleficent lowering herself to be included in this shlock of a level.~

**Riku:** _La laa, la, la-la, la. La laa, la, la-la, la—_

**Maleficent:** Why do you still hold warm, fuzzy feelings about that boy?

**Riku:** Because he’s been my best friend practically since he was born and even if I’m trying to break off our friendship now feelings like that don’t just disappear immediately and even when they do it takes time, possibly years to no longer feel anything for someone you once considered close to you?

**Maleficent:** But he’s all but deserted you for the Keyblade and his new companions; he plainly doesn’t care about you anymore.

**Riku:** …He’s been trying to get a leg up on me for years in terms of fighting, and to be honest, though I’m a little jealous, I’m also kind of proud of him for getting that strong on his own. Also he always seems ecstatic to see me if anxious about Kairi, and he really seems resentful of the fact that he’s basically forced to hang out with those other two. Plus it’s still fun to mess with him, that particular aspect of our relationship will never get old.

**Maleficent:** Oh, I’m sure it won’t. *steps forward* Beware the darkness in your heart. The Heartless prey upon it.

**Riku:** You should take your own advice, methinks.

**Maleficent:** Oh don’t worry about me, I’m far too powerful for that. *disappears into an evil black portal of evil*

**Riku:** Uh-huh, that’s exactly what Jafar said…

**Pinocchio:** I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M RUNNING TO OR WHOM I’M RUNNING FROM ANYMORE.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Apparently you were running from us.

**Riku:** Why’d I leave you behind, I wonder.

**Pinocchio:** You two argue, I’m going further in.

**Sora:** Fine by me. Yo, Riku!

**Riku:** ‘Sup! How hype are you feeling right now?

**Sora:** My hype is between 0 and 0.1.

**Riku:** So what is that, like, infinity hype or, what?

**Sora:** It’s infinity negative hype plus five.

**Riku:** Aww, why’s that? Aside from the sucktastic world we’re currently in, I think this is my least favorite world I’ve visited thus far…

**Sora:** Are you really a bad guy now? ‘Cause that would suck, I don’t wanna fight you, dude.

**Riku:** Well I’d like to think I have good intentions. As a matter of fact, I was kind of curious about yours, Sora. All you seem to care about now is showing off with that new shiny sword of yours.

**Sora:** …When did the Keyblade appear in my hand…

**Riku:** Don’t you even want to save Kairi?

**Sora:** Don’t _you?_

**Riku:** I asked first, do you or don’t you.

**Sora:** Well yeah, but I’ve also got a bit of a saving people thing, and there are a lot of people to save from a lot of monsters, hence me using the Keybade quite a bit.

**Riku:** Oh, well in that case, I—

**Pinnochio:** I AM SCREAMING IN TERROR!

**Riku:** And suddenly I’m not here anymore.

**Sora:** What a dick. Oooh, randomly materializing save point, my favorite! *steps forward* …Oh good, we’re going into the bowels of the whale. Why the fuck not. *steps through*

**Parasite Cage:** I vaguely remember being purple.

**Pinocchio:** Whatever you do, don’t attack this thing, you might hurt me instead!

**Riku:** You up for this?

**Sora:** If it’s to save Pinocchio, then absolutely. Also I was leveling up a lot while trying to navigate this fucked-up maze. You with me?

**Riku:** Absolutely.

**Sora:** Good, just replace Donald and—

**Riku:** No, this is your first ever fight with three other people, Donald is still a thing.

**Sora:** JESUS HORATIO WADSWORTH CHRIST WHY.

**Riku:** Fucked if I know. *starts attacking the monster head-on*

**Pinocchio:** I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!

**Sora:** *fires Fira at the thing’s head over and over, downing Ethers whenever he runs low*

**Riku:** Don’t give up, brah! *continuously leaps up and bashes it in the back of the head*

**Donald and Goofy:** *never move from their starting place and just stand around while spamming Sora with items whenever necessary, and sometimes when not necessary, never bothering to even draw their respective weapons*

**Parasite Cage:** I’m melting, meeelting! Oh what a world! *wobbles around a lot* Gotcha! *uses its tentacle-like arms to hold onto the ceiling, lift itself up, and spit Pinocchio into the black hole that was under it*

**Sora:** …Did Pinocchio just fall down the whale’s anus?

**Riku:** GERONIMO!

**Sora:** DID YOU JUST VOLUNTARILY JUMP DOWN A WHALE’S ANUS?!

**Goofy:** I learned Cheer! A-hyuk!

**Sora:** That’s great for you, where did the Parasite Cage go.

**Donald:** He Disapparated!

**Sora:** Of course he did. *heavy sigh* Let’s get this over with. *jumps down with the other two* …How did we end up back on Geppetto’s boat inside the whale’s mouth. How are the bowels located directly above the mouth. What even is this monstrosity.

**Donald:** Oh no, look what you did! *points at water* The water’s going down! It-It-It’s going _down!_

**Goofy:** Really? You sure about that?

**Donald:** Look! Already it’s half empty!

**Goofy:** Hmm. I’d say it’s half full.

**Donald:** Stop that! It’s _half empty!_

**Geppetto:** Pinocchio! _Pinocchio!_ GIMME BACK MY SON!

**Riku:** GIMME THE MUNNY!

**Geppetto:** I don’t have any!

**Riku:** I wouldn’t’ve given him back anyway, this puppet’s gonna be useful in my plans.

**Geppetto:** He’s not just a puppet! He’s my little boy!

**Riku:** …Look, I know he has sentimental value and I know that he was miraculously given life, but he is, objectively, a puppet, you know. Though it is kind of sweet that he was created with a heart, not many blocks of wood have those.

**Geppetto:** HOW DARE YOU CALL HIM A BLOCK OF WOOD!

**Riku:** No, before you turned him into a puppet, he was a block of wood, right?

**Geppetto:** Yeah, so?

**Riku:** So he was alive before you carved him up, wasn’t he?

**Geppetto:** No, he wasn’t given life until after I’d already carved him and wished for him to be real on a star!

**Jiminy:** *starts singing softly*  
 _When you wish upon a star_  
 _Makes no difference who you are_  
 _Anything your heart desires_  
 _Will come to you…_  
 _When your heart is in your dream_  
 _No request is too extreme_  
 _When you wish upon a star_  
 _Your dreams come true…_

**Simba:** So if I just wish upon a star, my father will come back to life?

**Jiminy:** …

**Geppetto:** And then the Blue Fairy came and gave him life!

**Riku:** …Look, I get that the blue-haired fairy saved him and inspired him to want to be real eventually, but—

**Jiminy:** It’s not good to lie, you know. The Blue Fairy was blonde. There’s no way I’d forget those heavenly…heavenly locks… *starts drooling*

**Sora:** And _Pinocchio’s_ the naughty one, is he… *snaps his fingers*

**Jiminy:** *snaps out of it* But no, she did not have blue hair, and Pinocch wanted to be a real boy right from the start!

**Riku:** *sputters incoherently*

**Sora:** Now you know what I’ve had to put up with for the past couple of…days? Weeks?

**Riku:** I don’t even know anymore, but the point is that this puppet’s heart might be able to help restore someone who is, in fact, a real human person thing.

**Sora:** …You are _not_ suggesting that Kairi lost her heart.

**Riku:** So _now_ you care about her?

**Sora:** Oh come on! I’ve been searching for her and you this whole time!

**Donald:** But at the Olympus Coli—WAK!

**Sora:** *stomps on Donald’s foot* And every time we talk about her we’re all equally worried! I was even chastising you for playing with Pinocchio when we both could’ve been trying to rescue her together!

**Riku:** I’m not listening, lalalalala. Is somebody talking, because I can’t hear them, lalala… *fucks off*

**Sora:** What a bitch. Hey, was that treasure chest there before? *opens it* WE MAGICALLY KNOW HOW TO JUMP HIGHER NOW THIS IS AMAZING I would so just leave now if I wasn’t worried about Riku.

**Geppetto:** What about my son?

**Sora:** I’m gonna be honest, I never really liked your movie.

**Geppetto:** Well don’t you suck shit.

**Sora:** *is too busy jumping around trying to get all the new items to pay attention* Hey, isn’t this the chest Pinocchio was throwing stuff at us out of earlier? He forgot this Watergleam.

**Donald:** I think that summons Dumbo.

**Sora:** I _literally_ just rewatched that for the first time in like two decades after having it in my instant watch on Netflix for like two years, can't believe it took me that long.

**Goofy:** Tryin’ to avoid all the horrible racism, were ya?

**Sora:** Nah, I’ve seen worse, I’m just never emotionally prepared enough for “Baby Mine.”

**Goofy:** Ah, that’s a very good reason as well.

**Sora:** MOAR DALMATIAN PUPPEHS huzzah. Hey, there’s a Green Trinity up on the ship, let’s check out what we get from that—JUST A MEASLEY MYTHRIL SHARD?! FUCK THIS. *jumps over to where he’s actually supposed to go*

**Blue Mushrooms:** *are jumping around*

**Sora:** …Yeah, we’re not doing this. *jumps all the way up* …So we just came through the throat…and now we’re going _up_ to get to the stomach.

**Goofy:** Yup.

**Sora:** …So what were all those cavern things from before.

**Goofy:** Iunno.

**Sora:** …Whale anatomy is fucked up.

**Riku:** Damn, that yellow stuff burned right through my shoes and got to my feet a little. I’d warn Sora about it but his shoes are like ten miles thick, he’ll be fine.

**Pinocchio:** That’s nice. I’m unconscious.

**Sora:** The walls are moving. Why are the walls moving. Oh, and let Pinocchio go or something.

**Riku:** Apparently he’s lost his heart to the Heartless. Strange that he didn’t turn into a Heartless just now; that’s one more strange Nobody we have to worry about…wait…

**Sora:** …But Xion was supposed to be, like, a female clone of me or something! She can’t’ve been…

**Riku:** Yeah, no, I don’t think she is.

**Sora:** Well how else would you explain it?

**Riku:** Obviously this game has its head up its own anus.

**Goofy:** Well that answers pretty much every question I had.

**Riku:** In any case, it might help me help Kairi. I would literally do anything to save her, including sacrificing the heart and/or soul of an innocent. I guess that makes me the man for her because chicks love that kind of crap, am I right?

**Sora:** Nope! I’m the man for her, because I know she’ll feel really bad forever if she were to ever find out I sacrificed others just to get her back.

**Riku:** But we can still save her together, if we just try!

**Sora:** *draws Keyblade* I would’ve taken you up on that when I first caught up with you, but now that I’ve seen the extremes you go to, I just can’t in good conscious join you. This is someone’s _child,_ for fuck’s sake! He’s basically five or something!

**Riku:** I refuse to believe that this puppet is a person with feelings, if only to rationalize my own actions as not being as bad as they actually are!

**Sora:** That is why you fail. And I’d say that at least he has a conscience, but it’s kind of a shitty conscience that’s only doing it to impress an attractive woman and is often misguided in any case. I mean, Pinocchio went off to that one fun-land or whatever, and he almost went and got Geppetto like any _responsible_ caregiver would do, only to come to the conclusion that _snitching is bad_ and tried to save Pinocchio himself to little effect. _Great_ message for the kids, there, just spectacular.

**Riku:** What, that little bug over there with the hat currently running towards the puppet? Is…Is that even a cricket, it doesn’t even have six legs and the hind ones aren’t elongated in any fashion.

**Sora:** Tell me about it. My conscience, however, is telling me that what you’re doing is wrong, and as it may or may not be Kairi’s or even Ventus’s heart Imma go with whatever she or he or both are saying, m’kay?

**Riku:** Fair enough, wanna duel?

**Sora:** ABSOLUTELY.

**Jiminy:** Pinocchio! My meal ticket into the Blue Fairy’s panties! Please wake up!

**Pinocchio:** I’m awoke, I just think I’m dying.

**Jiminy:** Your nose is growing! That means you’re lying, you lying liar who lies! I’ve never been so glad to see that you’re lying in all my life!

**Pinocchio:** …I sincerely believed that I wasn’t going to make it. When you believe something strongly enough, it becomes the truth, at least to you if no one else. So why did my nose fucking grow just now.

**Jiminy:** Language, young man!

**Pinocchio:** English, old bug.

**Riku:** Wow, why’d I ever try to kill him, this kid’s hilarious!

**Parasite Cage:** ROUNDO TSU!

**Riku:** I hate fighting old boss fights again. *creates evil black portal of evil and disappears into it*

**Sora:** Wait! Ah shit, now we have to fight a stronger version of this thing without him, this is gonna _suck._

**Pinocchio:** You have fun with that, I’m pissing off.

**Donald:** How shall you piss off, O Lord?

**Sora:** *immediately jumps onto one of the side platforms and repeats the same strategy as last time until it’s dead* Well that was kind of dull.

**Parasite cage:** *asploads and a heart floats out of it and away*

**Sora:** Seriously, where do those things go? And what causes them to rise upward like that? *scratches head with end of Keyblade ponderously*

**Donald:** Shit, the whale’s exploding too apparently? We should probably piss off as well.

**Sora:** But…But Riku!

**Goofy:** He Disapparated, c’mon, let’s go!

**Donald:** We learned Stop, by the way, apparently.

**Sora:** Huh. Weird.

~ _Yo-ho-ho-hooooooo, Yo-ho-ho-hoooooo/Yo-ho-ho-hooooooooo, Yo-ho-ho-hoooooooo~!_ ~

**Kairi:** I’m unconscious!

**Riku:** That sucks ass. I hate seeing that wooden puppet filled with more life than this coma patient.

**Maleficent:** Hurts, don’t it.

**Riku:** So what happened to her heart?

**Maleficent:** Probably taken by the Heartless, unless she stored it in the body of another like some kind of Horcrux, but _that_ never happens so we can absolutely rule that out forever.

**Riku:** Then why isn’t she a Heartless now, isn’t that how it works?

**Maleficent:** Usually, but she is quite special after all. I mean, she does have a Nobody, all kidnapped and ready to be exploited.

**Riku:** So how do we revive her? Tell me what to do so I can have actually decent motivation for becoming a villain beyond just being evil for the sake of being evil!

**Maleficent:** Are you accusing _me_ of such?! I only wished to be invited to the party! To be included, for _once!_ It’s not like I only wished to have a coat made out of puppies or anything, what kind of sick twisted individual would ever want such a thing, I’m not that bad!

**Riku:** Just get to the point already!

**Maleficent:** Okay, the plot of this game is that there are seven young girls with the purest of pure hearts, and we consider them princesses even if they aren’t even close to royalty of any kind. If all of them are gathered and frozen in carbonite, and if they conveniently have their own hearts at the time of their kidnapping, then a special door will open to the heart of all worlds, which may be Kingdom Hearts or just the heart of that particular world where they’re gathered, who even knows. But apparently unparalleled wisdom lies within or something. And with that knowledge, you will surely find a way to recover Kairi’s heart.

**Riku:** Hmm…This sounds awfully familiar…and I mean _awfully_ familiar…

**Darth Palpatine:** To cheat death is a power only one has achieved but if we work together I know we can discover the secret.

**Anakin:** …But you told me you already knew—

**Darth Palpatine:** Nah, I just told you that so you’d follow me unquestioningly.

**Anakin:** I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU ASK.

**Riku:** … _Nah,_ this situation is entirely different in every way, it’ll be _fiiiiiine._

**Maleficent:** Of course it is. And for all your previous hard work, I’m going to grant you a lovely gift. The power to control Heartless so that your heart will slip further into darkness and you’ll carry even more guilt into the next game for using the remains of innocent people against their will! Aren’t you excited?

**Riku:** Depends, am I supposed to glow green like this?

**Maleficent:** Iunno.

**Riku:** Awesome. *turns behind him* You’ll wake up soon, Kairi. I promise.

~So Captain Hook just… _let_ them use his cabin for no reason? Where was he, on deck?~

**Monstro:** *sneezes out the Gummi ship and presumably the remains of Geppetto’s ship as well*

**Goofy:** Are those two dead?

**Sora:** Whaddaya mean, those two? Those _three,_ Jiminy went over to Pinocchio and I never saw him come back.

**Jiminy:** Nope, even though my priority and, frankly, reason for existing was to serve as Pinocchio’s conscience and stick with him always until he finally achieved his goal of becoming a real boy, like that one smexy broad told me to, I’m sticking with you because some mouse told me to. Because obviously.

**Donald:** Well hopefully they landed safely in Traverse Town where they opened a shop that doesn’t really do much except give away blueprints at opportune moments while Cid still gets most of the traffic due to him being in business longer.

**Sora:** I’m still worried about Riku…

**Goofy:** Why, he’s a bad guy now.

**Sora:** But he’s got understandable motivation for becoming so.

**Donald:** Aw, phooey!

**Sora:** Oh that’s your answer to everything!

~And now we’re back at Agrabah, ready to select the next world for really realzies.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or everyone will wish their dead loved ones back to life on stars, thereby creating a zombie apocalypse.** _


	19. The Fuck Is That THING Supposed To Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **So Many Things That I Don't Own:** _High Anxiety, Harry Potter, Monty Python at the Hollywood Bowl,_ Twisted; The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, Linkara, Brental Floss, _Futurama,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Fucked around in the Cave of Wonders, which is now back somehow for some reason, before finally leaving again.~

**Sora:** I randomly think that my magic is as good as Donald’s now, considering we learn magic at roughly the same rate and I actually utilize it in a correct fashion.

**Donald:** But — But I’m the magic guy, though!

**Goofy:** This is really just a prompt to get something from Merlin because you’ve learned all the base spells or whatever.

**Chip:** HEY ANOTHER TOURNAMENT YOU SHOULD GO DO THE TOURNAMENT.

**Dale:** I hear that the last battle nets you seven hundred EXP every time; best fast leveling ever for now!

**Sora:** That _is_ tempting…

**Chip:** You get to beat up Squall and Yuffie~!

**Sora:** OKAY WE ARE STOPPING TO DO THIS BECAUSE I NEED TO DO THIS.

**Donald:** We’re stopping by Traverse Town first, I psychically know my nephews have new weapons for me and Goofy.

**Goofy:** And while we’re there we can activate that Dumbo summon that we’ll never use.

**Sora:** It’s true, I won’t use him. *does the things and notices a new building behind the Accessory Shop* Dude, Geppetto got a whole building to himself somehow! *goes inside* Hey Pinocch!

**Pinocchio:** Hey, Sora!

**Geppetto:** Hello, Sora!

**Donald and Goofy:** Oh, thanks, we appreciate that.

**Sora:** How’d you get set up this fast?

**Geppetto:** A man named Leon helped us. He even got us this house to live in. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay his kindness.

**Sora:** Word of advice: His real name’s Squall. You should call him by that instead.

**Geppetto:** You mean he gave us a false name?

**Jiminy:** No, he just prefers to be called Leon. And we should respect his wishes, it’s only polite.

**Sora:** But he’s _lying_ about his identity. Isn’t lying bad?

**Pinocchio:** Yeah, Jiminy, you told me lying was bad!

**Jiminy:** I — That is—

**Sora:** How ‘bout you go back to being strangely absent from this scene despite that child-person being your number one priority, eh?

**Jiminy:** … *grumbles*

**Geppetto:** Say, I hear you three are fighting the Heartless. I know this from all the Heartless fighting I heard you doing back inside Monstro. I thought I might be able to help you, so I made this. *gives you the Geppetto blueprint*

**Sora:** …You _really_ want to encourage me tugging my hair out as I attempt to platinum this game, doncha.

**Geppetto:** But of course! Pinocchio and I live to frustrate you at every turn, after all! We’ll do anything we can to annoy you!

**Pinocchio:** I’m being good, even without Jiminy’s help! You hear that, you stupid bug?! I don’t need ya!

**Jiminy:** Why I oughtta—

**Sora:** Stay in the hood and shut the fuck up.

**Pinocchio:** Father’s really interested in the Gummi blocks. That’s why he basically opened up this as a kind of shop. He invited Cid to help him out but the guy cackled in our faces and said he’d work better alone.

**Sora:** That’s nice, Imma loot this place. *opens a chest* Wishing Star keychain, eh…Better than the Spellbinder I just got from Merlin but not as good as the Three Wishes, so I’ll just stick with that one for now. *looks around shelves* LAST POST CARD FETCH QUEST NO. 864.5 KOMPURIITO.

**Geppetto:** Ah, Sora! I seem to give away more blueprints to you the more Heartless you slaughter!

**Sora:** I have been slaughtering a lot of Heartless lately…

**Geppetto:** *gives him Cid, Cactuar, Yuffie, Aerith, and Leon all in one go* I made the Leon blueprints before I heard the guy’s real name, I’m afraid.

**Sora:** That’s perfectly fine, I understand. *scratches off the name and writes Squall in its place when Geppetto’s not looking*

**Donald:** Man, does it feel good to be finally basically done with these ass-clowns—

**Sora:** *enters and exits the building thirty times in a row*

**Donald:** …The fuck.

**Sora:** *enters one more time*

**Pinocchio:** Sora, look! I did a thing! *gives Sora the Chocobo blueprint* I’m studying hard to become a real boy and take over my father’s business when he inevitably drops dead of old age when I’m, like, eight or something! Isn’t that exciting?

**Sora:** It sure is, Pinocch. It sure is. *leaves and never returns until he gets all the summons, heading right for the mailbox and getting a shitton of cool items, using all the power-ups on himself immediately* Okay, we’re stocking up on items now so we can go murder Squall and Yuffie repeatedly.

**Goofy:** But Sora, aren’t they our friends?

**Sora:** …Not really, they kind of just serve as exposition dumps and little else.

**Goofy:** But you still care about them, don’t you?

**Sora:** Yuffie and Aerith, yes, but Yuffie because she’s actually a kind of powerful but underrated character and Aerith for reasons that should be obvious. Cid I don’t really like because he joined the game too late and I rarely if ever used him so I didn’t feel as close to him, and Squall I never really got attached to as a character, like pretty much every single person in FFVIII unfortunately, one of the reasons I don’t like that game very much.

**Goofy:** Aww, that’s too bad.

**Sora:** Yep. *flies off to Olympus Coliseum*

**Hercules:** It’s time to go from junior hero to real hero except we won’t accept you as such until KHII even after you beat two Titans and Sephiroth.

**Sora:** …Lovely.

**Hercules:** Are you going to compete? It would be great to face you in a tournament that’s not this one!

**Sora:** …Yeah, sure. *goes through and signs up for the Pegasus Cup, where he spends many an hour leveling up and trying to beat the time limit, getting disturbingly sick satisfaction from beating Squall and Yuffie over and over again*

**Donald:** *continuously casts Aero on himself and others at the end of almost every battle instead of at the beginning when it would’ve actually benefitted them*

**Goofy:** *gives Sora a Hi-Potion immediately after Donald casts Cure*

**Both Goofy and Donald:** *constantly hit the Black Fungus when it’s solidified into silver and becomes invincible like the dumbasses they are*

**Sora:** This really illustrates how bad the AI is in this game.

**Hercules:** Those fights were awesome! You’re coming closer and closer to becoming a true hero!

**Sora:** Is strength really all that’s nece—

**Phil:** Don’t tell me what’s nessa! I’ll tell you what’s nessa! And what’s nessa is a strong heart!

**Hercules:** …I thought we were gonna let them discover that for themselves…

**Phil:** But they might not know what makes a strong heart!

**Sora:** It’s fighting in order to protect the people you care about even at the cost of yourself and never giving up, right?

**Hercules:** How’d you figure that out?!

**Sora:** I watched a _lot_ of shounen anime, dude. Still do, really, after _Naruto’s_ ending and the THIS-IS-EXACTLY-WHAT-I-WANTED quality of the epilogue in particular, I was unfortunately sucked back into the madness…Does _Attack on Titan_ count as shounen or seinen, ‘cause I know _Berserk’s_ seinen…

**Donald:** You shouldn’t be reading something like that at your age! How’d you even get a hold of material like that?!

**Sora:** Borrowed it from Wakka, who shouldn’t have it either but whatever.

**Goofy:** So since we figured it out—

**Phil:** YOU’RE NOT A TRUE HERO YET, PISS OFF.

**Sora:** No, doin’ the other variations now, you can’t stop me.

**Phil:** Oy vey.

**Goofy:** So how did you and Squall even get here, anyway?

**Yuffie:** Iunno, I guess Cid gave us a ride. Wonder why he was never in the tournaments…

**Sora:** *after many, _many_ hours* I FINALLY GOT UP TO LEVEL FORTY-EIGHT HUZZAH FACE.

**Donald:** Why level forty-eight?

**Sora:** _Really_ wanted the Second Chance ability…Wait…Why do I not have the Second Chance ability?

**Goofy:** Ya chose the Staff and gave up the Sword, right?

**Sora:** Yeah, that means I should’ve gotten it by forty-eight.

**Donald:** …This is Final Mix, guy.

**Sora:** What, did they really change that much?

**Donald:** …Yeah. You’re not gonna get that ability ‘till level ninety now.

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** …

**Phil:** …

**Hercules:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Yuffie:** …

**Sora:** … *head explodes*

~So that took five-ever, but finally we can move on.~

**Atlantica:** *is a thing*

**Donald:** Okay, guys, prepare for landing! Somehow! I don’t know if this ship is waterproof or not so I don’t really know where we’re parking this thing!

**Sora:** Is there literally no dry land in this world?

**Goofy:** Well there is, but we have to wait till the sequel.

**Sora:** That sucks _ass._

**Goofy:** So it does.

**Sora:** It also basically means we’ll drown, I don’t know about you but I can’t stay afloat forever.

**Donald:** Don’t worry, I got this. I know magic the likes of which you’ve never seen, remember? Just leave everything to me!

**Sora:** But I don’t trust you. Like, at all. _Especially_ not with something this important.

**Donald:** Oh ye of little faith…

~CLAM!~

**Fish:** *singing* _Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…_

**Sora:** *has a dolphin butt* …Why can’t I do Transfiguration like this. Also what’d you do with my dick.

**Donald:** You have a dolphin dick now!

**Sora:** Please tell me I don’t have dolphin-like impulses to match, dolphins are kind of horrible rapists; they’ll attack _humans_ if they’ve got the chance!

**Donald:** Oh please, it’s fine.

**Sora:** Says the _duck_ …The fuck, dude. What the actual fuck.

**Donald:** *is now part duck, part octopus* …I may have screwed myself up.

**Sora:** *tries not to vomit* Wait, why’d you pick a dolphin, dolphins can’t breathe underwater!

**Donald:** I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic licence?

**Goofy:** *is a turtle with a dog’s head* How come I get to keep my hat but otherwise we’re all naked?

**Fish:** …We wash our fins of this weirdness. *swim off just as Ariel and Flounder show up*

**Ariel:** Jesus you’re slow, Sebastian!

**Sebastian:** I have tiny legs, you have a giant-ass fish tail, what d’you expect?! Don’t leave me behind, I’m supposed to tail you wherever you go so I can snitch on you to your father!

**Donald:** *is upside down* That’s kind of creepy, guy.

**Sebastian:** WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS UNHOLY ABOMINATION.

**Sora:** I’ve been asking that since I met the guy.

**Sebastian:** Nopenopenopenopenope _nope!_ *swims away as fast as he can*

**Ariel:** YAY NEW THINGS, I LIKE NEW THINGS. And they don’t even look like the evil things we’ve been fighting, do they, Flounder?

**Flounder:** I’m getting an uneasy feeling about the one on the left, actually…

**Donald:** HA! Take _that,_ Goofy!

**Flounder:** No no, my left.

**Donald:** Oh, which one—HEY!

**Sora:** *laughs hysterically*

**Ariel:** *swimming around Sora* They do seem a _little_ fucked up…Where are you from, anyway?

**Sora:** Uh…Far away. Really, _really_ far away. And we can’t swim very well in these waters, we’re not really used to them…Please don’t ask why we’ve come so far out of our comfort zone…

**Ariel:** I won’t, but dude. Water’s water. Either you know how to swim or you don’t.

**Sora:** …I, uh, I was born with two tails, and I got one removed recently. Still getting used to it, you know?

**Ariel:** …M’kay, what’s their excuse?

**Sora:** They don’t have one, they’re just that stupid.

**Ariel:** Ah, makes sense.

**Sora:** *gets a better look at Ariel now that he’s not making up shitty excuses for not being familiar with the planet* Dayum…

**Ariel:** I’m, like, sixteen.

**Sora:** And I’m fourteen, it could totally work. And I really like redheads…

**Ariel:** Yeah no, I only dig humans.

**Sora:** But I _am—_

**Donald:** *elbows him*

**Sora:** … *grumbles*

**Ariel:** Yo, Sebastian, give them the swimming tutorial!

**Sebastian:** Ariel! King Triton will not like you mingling with the common folk and showing basic decency by helping out people who are lost and confused!

**Ariel:** Why am I seventh in line for the throne, I’d do a much better job than he ever would…

**Sebastian:** Your oldest daughter must marry a prince and he’ll be doing the ruling! Women should be seen and never heard, it’s his antiquated notion that he’ll always hold, you know that!

**Ariel:** And people wonder why I want to go above ground so badly.

**Sora:** It’s not much better, I’m afraid; every time we take a step forward it’s like we’re taking two steps back at the same time.

**Ariel:** The fact that there are any steps being taken at all is a huge plus in my book.

**Sora:** Fair enough.

**Sebastian:** What happened to our voices. Anyway, here are the swimming controls…

**Sora:** Why is there a limit on how high I can swim?

**Sebastian:** Fuck you, that’s why.

~Why do people hate this level? It’s the bestest one, I always found the controls super easy.~

**Sebastian:** Conglaturations! Now we can move onto fighting while swimming controls—

**Ariel:** TIMING! *points at oncoming jellyfish Heartless*

**Sora:** Well aren’t these specifically tailored to this world.

**Ariel:** I’m not in the party yet so I’m going to cower in fear.

**Sebastian:** Right behind you! *hides with Flounder in that clam shell*

**Sora:** Camera, could you stop focusing on my nipples, you’re making me feel very uncomfortable.

**Sea Neon:** We’re threatening you.

**Sora:** I liked you better when you were light blue, this yellow shit’s just ugly. *kills them all* Whoa, it’s _way_ harder to swing a Keyblade underwater. If this doesn’t build up my muscles up quickly then nothing will.

**Ariel:** Well that was badass.

**Sora:** Thank you kindly! *bashes clam with Keyblade*

**Sebastian and Flounder:** … _OW?!_ *come out of their shell. Heh heh, geddit?*

**Sora:** There’s a save point inside that shell! I am utterly flabbergasted!

**Ariel:** Those creatures chased us here in the first place. _Proooobably_ should’ve mentioned that as they’re murderous assholes…

**Sora:** Ya _think?!_

**Sebastian:** Who cares about any hapless fish that might be swimming around here and are supposedly under our protection, we have to hurry if we want to make sure the royal family is safe!

**Ariel:** Dude, Daddy has a gigantic magical trident of magical magicness, he’ll be fine.

**Flounder:** And unlike Ariel who has a surprisingly powerful tail and you who at least have your claws, I can’t fight a damn thing, so I’m rightfully terrified about running into more on the way back.

**Ariel:** …Strange people we just met, would you mind escorting us to the palace so you can kill everything in our path because we are weak babbies?

**Sora:** Yeah sure, wanted a change of scenery after spending so long at the Coliseum anyway, and this place looks like fun.

**Ariel:** Thank you so much. See those trident drawings on the rocks and cave walls and things?

**Sora:** Yeah?

**Ariel:** That’ll lead us right to the palace. It’s almost impossible to get lost in this place unless you’re going anywhere that _isn't_ the palace, in which case have fun memorizing the layout. No, seriously, have fun, this is way better than Monstro.

**Sora:** …Why would you even need a bunch of trident sign things? Don’t you live here? Couldn’t you lead us to your father? And wouldn't this just make it easier for would-be assassins to find the leader of your nation or any of his heirs and basically slaughter all of you and take over?

**Ariel:** Shut up and include me in the party already.

**Sora:** Done and done. Bye, Donald!

**Donald:** WAK! *is abandoned again*

**Goofy:** Where does he even go when this happens?

**Sora:** Don’t know, don’t care.

**Ariel:** Like the level’s “Under the Sea” remix background music?

**Sora:** I _ADORE_ IT WHY COULDN’T THEY DO SOMETHING SIMILAR IN EVERY WORLD IT WOULD TRULY BE THE BESTEST MOST NOSTALGIC DISNEY GAME FRANCHISE IN ZA WORUDO.

**Ariel:** Oh, and you’re in Atlantica, by the way.

**Sora:** Wow. An undersea place is named after Atlantis. That’s original.

**Goofy:** Here’s hopin’ _Atlantis: The Lost Empire_ is never a level, ‘cause that’ll get confusin’.

**Sora:** …I wouldn’t mind, actually, I’m strangely fond of that movie…

**Ariel:** Shit, these guys are fucking _everywhere…_

**Sora:** *pondering something as he’s fighting* …Donald had to change my body when we got here. Does that mean that once we go back to normal, then my entire body’ll return to the way it was before we got here? Like, any muscles I build up by swimming or whatever would also disappear?

**Goofy:** You could always switch him back into the party so you can ask—

**Sora:** *bursts into song* _Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…_ *sees blue clam, is prompted to cast Fira on it to open it; same with blue and yellow clams with Blizzara and Thunder respectively*…I got a D in physics, how can stuff like fire, blizzard and thunder and even Aero work underwater?

**Woolie:** How are you not freezing underwa—How do ice missiles work underwa…What… _Fucking magnets! How do they work?!_

**Donald:** It’s magic, you don’t have to explain it!

**Sora:** See, this is why you’re not in the group if I can help it. *obtains Mythril Shard and watches clam close up again* Crap, these clams just close up again. That’s frustrating, what if I don’t want to waste MP on a clam I already opened? *looks up* Hey, look, I can see the surface! CAN I SWIM TO IT?!

**Ariel:** NOPE!

**Sora:** WHY.

**Goofy:** Minus Monstro, this at least feels like the biggest area we’ve been to yet, don’t know if it actually is.

**Sora:** Tell me about it. Can we take a break? My arms’re killing me.

**Ariel:** Just a little bit longer, Sora. Look, the palace is right up there!

**Sora:** …One of those towers looks shiny, sparkly, and metallic…and a little bit phallic…

**Brental Floss:** Ha! A penis!

**Ariel:** C’mon, I’ll lead the way like I should’ve been doing all along! *leads the way like she should’ve been doing all along*

**Goofy:** And even though we defeated all the enemies in every single area we came across, we still got a few following us! A-hyuk!

**King Triton:** *uses Thundaga against the three Heartless*

**Ariel:** …You really didn’t have to do that, Daddy, we’ve been kicking their asses for the past ten minutes with like no problems, I don’t even know how those stragglers managed to get away.

**King Triton:** Don’t care, they were obviously dangerous and too powerful for an infantile, fragile piece of porcelain like you to handle.

**Ariel:** And here we go.

**King Triton:** As long as I have my trident, I refuse to tolerate those creatures inside my palace!

**Sora:** Heeee’s gonna lose the trident.

**Goofy:** And what if he didn’t to begin with? Would he tolerate ‘em then?

**Donald:** And aside from that one incident, it’s not like they’re ever gonna come back to this area anyway.

**Sora:** *incredibly exasperated* How do you keep appearing with us?

**Jiminy:** Am I even here, did I drown, what gives?

**Sora:** No one cares.

**Ariel:** Calm your shit, Daddy.

**King Triton:** Silence, woman! When will you listen to reason and learn that it’s dangerous out there for a vulnerable young female like yourself who will never ever be able to become physically or mentally strong in any capacity ever?

**Ariel:** *muttering* When will _you_ learn that I want to be treated like a fucking _person…_

**King Triton:** There are dangerous new creatures swimming around, you know—

**Ariel:** The only reason you’re behaving like this is because I have fallopian tubes, isn’t it. You wouldn’t care what I did if I was a dude.

**King Triton:** …Basically, yeah, actually—

**Ariel:** No, it’s not even because I have fallopian tubes, is it?! I have six older sisters who can apparently do whatever the fuck they want, and who have all swum off by the look of it!

**Triton:** No, they all know better and stay inside the palace at all times!

**Ariel:** Which according to this game is only this room. So where the hell are they.

**Sebastian:** Can I _please_ introduce His Majesty, King Triton, the ruler of the seas, to our random foreign guests?

**Sora:** You just did, good job.

**Sebastian:** Dang it!

**King Triton:** Who are they and why should I care.

**Ariel:** They helped me fight off the creatures. We actually make a pretty good team, it was barely a struggle.

**King Triton:** I’ve never seen them before.

**Ariel:** Well if you got off your ass once in a while…

**Sora:** We’re…from an _ocean,_ and you only rule the seas, so of course you’ve never met us!

**Donald:** Nice one!

**Goofy:** Yep! We came here to find the Keyhole!

**Donald:** …That did not just happen.

**Sora:** *facepalm* I expected this level of incompetency from Donald, but from you, Goofy? You disappoint me greatly.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I’m sorry.

**King Triton:** …Oh balls.

**Ariel:** I AM NATURALLY CURIOUS.

**Goofy:** Allow me to reveal the plot of this game—

**King Triton:** KEYHOLES DO NOT EXIST. THEY’RE MADE-UP FABRICATIONS. YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANY OF THOSE AROUND HERE. I AM NOT ACTING SUSPICIOUS IN ANY WAY.

**Ariel:** …Yeah, you kinda are, Daddy. There’s totally one here, isn’t there? Can you tell me what it is?

**King Triton:** This is my disappointed glare.

**Ariel:** That barely has any affect on me anymore.

**King Triton:** Ariel, learn your place! You are never to leave the palace again, do you understand me?

**Ariel:** …Absolutely.

**King Triton:** Good, glad that’s settled.

**Ariel:** IMLEAVINGTHEPALACENOWBYE! *swims away at top speed*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** We’re gonna follow her. FOR NO RAISIN.

**King Triton:** Hmm…I _could_ go after her and drag her tail back to the palace…Oooor I could just continue sitting on my ass and pretending to rule. Seriously, how do I even maintain these abs if I never leave my damn throne. *rests head in hand* Perhaps I should let her have some semblance of free will…I just generally believe that men are stronger than women are and always have to protect them and never let them have any control over their own lives ever.

**Sebastian:** And as this is the only correct way of thinking, I believe you should just keep doing what you’re doing. Hmpf! Women. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. Now that it’s just us men, mind telling _me_ what this Keyhole thing is?

**King Triton:** No. Fuck off. Now, do you know anything new about these more vicious newcomers?

**Sebastian:** It’s just as we suspected, Your Majesty. Your sister seems entirely responsible for their sudden appearance.

**King Triton:** I told you never to bring that up! It was cut from the movie and it should stay cut from the movie!

**Sebastian:** Sure, fine, whatever.

**King Triton:** She’s up to no good again, is she?

**Marauders:** *snicker*

**King Triton:** It’s almost as if exiling her only fostered a greater need for power once I stripped her of what little she had or something!

**Sebastian:** Oh now you’re just imagining things.

**King Triton:** …And didn’t I command you to protect Ariel by keeping away from such dangers?

**Sebastian:** …Dude. I’m a tiny little crab thing. Ariel can just beat me away with those skinny little arms of hers and swim off before I even had a chance to pinch her, I honestly don’t know why you think I’m all that effectual against her. She already hates me for constantly snitching on her to you, she’s not gonna listen to a damn thing I have to say ever again!

**King Triton:** There’s always an excuse with you, isn’t there.

~No, this isn’t an Author Filibuster, what’re you talking about. -_-~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll be turned into a half-duck/half-dog abomination from hell.** _


	20. Does This Trident-Shaped Object Look Like A Trident To You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Surprisingly Short List Of Things I Do Not Own:** _The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Airplane!, Monty Python’s Holy Grail, Naruto,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~I just noticed that there aren’t any Dalmatians underwater, that’s nice, at least they’re not drowning them.~

**Ariel:** Follow me, you guys, I wanna show you something.

**Sora:** Hang on, we gotta backtrack to the palace real quick, there’s a save point there and I wants it. I needs it. Must have the precious.

**Ariel:** …But I just dramatically left in a huff, it’ll undermine the entire effort completely if I go back in now.

**Sora:** Then just wait outside, then.

**Ariel:** I can’t, I somehow feel compelled to follow you.

**Sora:** Sucks to be you, then. *goes back to save, gets distracted by wanting to talk to people and learn more about crap*

**Triton:** You came all this way swimming like that? Hmm…Whoever you are, I want to thank you for helping Ariel.

**Sora:** Okay. *holds out hand, palm up*

**Triton:** …

**Sora:** …Usually people give me items if I’ve helped them.

**Triton:** Go fuck yourself.

**Sora:** I don’t really know how anymore.

**Sebastian:** Ariel is a princess of Atlantica. But she’s always swimming off from the palace and doing as she pleases. That girl ought to behave more like a princess.

**Ariel:** Well excuse me for not wanting to be kidnapped!

**Sora:** …Possibly tactless question, but where’s your mom?

**Ariel:** Her fate is just another in a series of things Daddy has deemed me unworthy to know.

**Sora:** Sheesh, who is this guy, Dumbledore?

**Goofy:** He does have the beard for it.

**Donald:** Actually, she was crashed into by a pirate ship. You just don’t remember because you were like four or five or something.

**Ariel:** …Huh. There was that unreasonable period where music was outlawed for ten years because she was the most musical person we knew but Daddy got all butthurt when she died and forced the rest of us to be just as butthurt as he was…

**Sebastian:** King Triton is the ruler of Atlantica. Wielding his mighty trident, he keeps peace throughout the seas.

**Sora:** Oh yeah, I’m sure he’s doing a _lot_ for seas hundreds of miles away, sitting here on his throne and yelling at his daughter.

**Goofy:** Does the trident magically stop all the pollution that the humans are causing?

**Sebastian:** That Ariel makes him worry so much! But the willful child doesn’t even realize it.

**Ariel:** Oh I realize it, I just don’t care because he refuses to treat me like a person instead of a porcelain doll.

**Sebastian:** Once, a fortune-teller named Ursula lived in the palace. Oh, she was talented, but treacherous, too. She was good at coaxing others into doing evil. In time, her wicked deeds enraged the king, and he banished her.

**Sora:** That the sea witch from the original tale? She didn’t seem evil so much as dealing out fair but painful deals that she always went through with and never tried to undermine.

**Ariel:** Yeah, pretty sure we changed that shit dramatically.

**Sebastian:** Strange visitors have come to Atlantica lately.

**Sora:** You mean the guys we’ve been talking about this whole time and/or us?

**Sebastian:** The palace is safe, under His Majesty’s protection. Which is why we’ve left all of our citizens outside to suffer and die because who cares, it’s dangerous out there, we ain’t leaving. But Ariel still refuses to listen to me!

**Ariel:** Because I can clearly handle myself, so fuck you. *leaves in disgust*

**Sora:** *swims after her, determined to make her feel better* Seriously, Ariel, you’re the strongest female fighter I’ve ever met, I don’t know why that guy’s so afraid for you, you can clearly hold your own in a fight.

**Ariel:** Yeah, try telling that to any father who has a daughter and gives half a shit about ‘em ever. With sons they don’t have a problem accepting them growing up, because men are supposed to look after themselves and pretty much everyone else, but us girls will always be these tiny delicate little babies that will never be able to look after themselves and will always have to be defended from everything, even if we have a fucking blackbelt probably.

**Sora:** Well admittedly the only female fighters I’ve seen so far are Selphie and Yuffie. And they suck. I mean, Yuffie was cool enough in FFVII and I seem to remember Selphie having a pretty decent limit break, but here they’re almost as pathetic as Kairi, Naminé, and pretty much every female Disney character I will ever meet apart from you and Mulan. Damn, if only I’d met Aqua or could remember Xion…Was Xion even technically female, since she was me? I don’t even know…

**Ariel:** Is there a point to this?

**Sora:** Yeah, basically that you’re the first competent female fighter I’ve ever met, and hopefully I’ll actually start to think of women as actual people who can hold their own instead of useless dead weights because of your example.

**Ariel:** Aww, thanks!

**Sora:** There’s just a few more things I still don’t get.

**Ariel:** Yeah, what’s that?

**Sora:** You’ve been swimming underwater your whole life, right? How do you not have twenty-four-inch pythons?

**Ariel:** Well most of the time I let my tail do most of the work. And yes, you do burn a lot of carbs by swimming all the time, so that’s how I’m so slim; I do eat, in case you were wondering. Granted it’s mostly seaweed, kelp, and plankton, but still.

**Sora:** …Wouldn’t you have built up some muscles in your stomach either way? You really are alarmingly skinny, the design seems a tad ridiculous when rendered in three dimensions…

**Ariel:** Whatever, anything else?

**Sora:** Yeah…Exactly how secure are those shells?

**Donald:** SORA! That’s not something you ask a lady!

**Sora:** You’re not even in the party, GTFO.

**Ariel:** It’s okay, it’s a perfectly legitimate question, ulterior motive or no. They’re a lot more secure than you’d think, actually. They give shockingly good support.

**Sora:** They can’t be that comfortable, though.

**Ariel:** There’s a layer of seaweed between the chesticles and the actual shells, it gives a surprising level of comfort.

**Sora:** Huh. Okay, then.

**Ariel:** …

**Sora:** …

**Ariel:** You want to ask how sex works, don’t you.

**Sora:** Yeah kinda.

**Ariel:** Basically us females lay eggs and males fertilize them. You know, _like fucking fish._

**Sora:** …That kind of destroys the fantasy entirely.

**Ariel:** Doesn’t it, though?

**Goofy:** I think most people see the top half of a person as the more attractive part anyway, that might be why.

**Sora:** You are _completely_ ignoring the existence of leg- and ass-people.

**Ariel:** But I guess most of the eggs are eaten before we hatch or something, which is why me and my sisters are the only survivors from the seven times Mom and Daddy tried. I think. Iunno. C’mon, my grotto is right over there, let’s chat in private. *points to obvious rock in front of obvious hole*

**Sora:** Your secret place is this close to your father’s castle?

**Ariel:** Well of course. He’ll never think to look for it so close by.

**Sora:** Yeah, but it’ll make it easier to find if he has Sebastian tail you.

**Ariel:** Hasn’t happened yet, and I’ve been accumulating my collection for years.

**Sora:** *heavy sigh* It’s only when you think you’re safe and that no one’ll notice that you’re bending a couple of rules that someone rats you out and suddenly it’s like you’ve killed five people or something.

**iheartmwpp:** Bolding and italicizing things is so much easier on fanfiction dot net…but this site actually allows script format and nine of my stories haven’t yet been deleted within the space of two months…WHAT A DILEMMA.

**Goofy:** Why is there a dolphin in this area?

**Ariel:** I honestly have no idea.

**Sora:** LET’S ENTER THE GROTTO VERY QUICKLY NOW.

**Ariel:** CHECK OUT ALL MAH SHIT! IT’S EITHER ALL FROM A LANDMASS THAT SHALL REMAIN INCORPOREAL UNTIL TWO OR THREE GAMES FROM NOW OR FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLANET THAT JUST ENDED UP HERE SOMEHOW.

**Sora:** Hmm, I wonder if the Keyhole’s behind that significant-looking trident shaped thingy.

**Ariel:** Now that’s just silly. My dream of spontaneously growing legs and travelling to different dimensions is completely realistic, however!

**Sora:** I believe it!

**Ariel:** …You don’t think me wanting to see other worlds is strange?

**Sora:** Of course not, you won’t believe how much I used to identify with you right now.

**Ariel:** Used to?

**Sora:** …A lot’s happened and I just want to find my friends and go back home, to be honest. I’ve loved seeing the universe, but I love my friends more. I just want them to be safe

**Ariel:** I think I understand. So…Why don’t we try finding that Keyhole you were talking about earlier?

**Sora:** …Not gonna lie, I’m terrified of your father.

**Ariel:** You mean the guy who refuses to see how strong I’ve grown and, indeed, how powerful we are as a team? I think we can take him, we’re all kind of vastly overleveled for this area if you want my opinion.

**Sora:** Yeah but I _really_ wanna fight Sephiroth so I’ve been trying to gain roughly five levels in each world so I can reach a high enough level quickly. I know some _**insane**_ people somehow beat him at level one with the Kingdom Key or some such nonsense but I’m not that good at vidja games and prefer doing it in a way that’s actually possible for a human.

**Ariel:** Fair enough, but I do have reservations about fighting my own father to be honest. I do love him, and I’ve tried to see things from his point of view, I really have…but his point of view is really old-fashioned, and by old-fashioned I mean sexist, so I can’t bring myself to agree with him. I just wish he’d pull his head out of his fins and realize that women can do whatever they want as well.

**Sebastian:** *is spying on them from the entrance* Wow, that was actually really moving. I totally get Ariel’s point of view now. TIME TO IMMEDIATELY SNITCH ON HER.

**Sora:** *looking around* Oh hey, a normal treasure chest, that’s new. *opens it for a Mega-Potion*

**Ariel:** Hey, that chest was one of the first things I ever collected! Why would you make it disappear like that?!

**Sora:** …Did you never open it?

**Ariel:** Of course not! It wouldn’t be mint if I opened it!

**Sora:** Oy vey…Oh hey, another one—

**Ariel:** DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

**Sora:** Too late! *gets a cottage which he’ll immediately sell as soon as he can*

**Ariel:** Sigh…At least I still have one more—

**Sora:** Aw crap, now the torn page is all wet!

**Ariel:** GODDAMMIT.

**Sora:** …Where am I even storing all these things…

**Flounder:** There’s this really big fish who can swim against the current. But he’s scared of those weird things swimming around, so if we—

**Sora:** And by we you mean us and not you.

**Flounder:** Exactly, if you chase them away, I think the big fish’ll play with us. Maybe if you grab onto him, he’ll take you somewhere.

**Sora:** …By big fish, you mean that dolphin we just took a ride on?

**Flounder:** That’s the one!

**Sora:** …Dolphins aren’t fish. You _are_ a fish, you should know this.

**Goofy:** We should go check to see if the Keyhole is anywhere other than this extremely obvious location.

**Sora:** Good idea. *leads the way out*

**Flotsam and Jetsam:** *are there now* We are in no way ominous.

**Ursula:** *watching Sora and Ariel from her cauldron and laughing maniacally* Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh! Those impudent fools will never find the Keyhole! Even though they’ve managed to do so in every other world they’ve visited so far, even to the extent that they defeated Jafar, this time they have no chance, ha ha! *makes a hologram of Ariel rise from the cauldron, somehow* The girl might prove to be gullible as shit though, as she’s the youngest of my nieces and youth always equals naïveté. She may be the key to Triton’s undoing. Besides, I’ve got the Heartless on my side! What could possibly go wrong? Triton, my dear brother, IMMA GONNA BREAK YOU! *camera focuses on her laughing mouth for some reason before finally showing her face where her mouth is abruptly closed as if it was never open to begin with*

~…You know, I think she might be the villain.~

**Ariel:** Dude, we have to ride the dolphin so he’ll appear in the next area so we can then ride him past those harsh currents we didn’t talk about into the area we need to get to.

**Sora:** I am not overly all right with this plan. *does the thing anyway*

**Ariel:** Okay, now we have to clear out every enemy in this area—

**Sora:** No we don’t. *grabs dolphin as soon as he clears out one tiny area, gets taken to the undersea to the Sunken Ship* Wow, there are absolutely no enemies in this area, that’s a nice change!

**Ariel:** *looks behind some rubble* Oh boy, a chest! Now I can refill my collection again—

**Sora:** Sweet, a Mythril Shard!

**Ariel:** FUCK YOU WITH A DINGLEHOPPER! *sees another chest under a broken lifeboat* Don’t you _dare_ —

**Sora:** I FUCKING LOVE ELIXERS.

**Ariel:** _I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU._

**Sora:** Let’s try looking inside the ship, see what turns up. *goes inside*

**Ominous shadow:** *swims past*

**Sora:** Hmm, wonder where the cheerful, peppy music went. *goes directly for the treasure chest*

**Ominous shadow:** *was actually a shark, which crashes through the window and speaks in an Australian accent* Hello. Name’s Bruce. *sticks out fin*

**Sora:** OH SHIT. *swims backwards very quickly*

**Bruce:** ‘S all right, I understand. Why trust a shark, right? *waits outside for them to come out*

**Sora:** …Well that was eventful.

**Goofy:** That shark tried to eat me in the manga adaptation, but he broke all his teeth on my shell. It was pretty funny, A-hyuk!

**Sora:** That’s nice. *opens chest* Hmm. Its shape reminds me of us seeing the exact same shape in Ariel’s grotto not even five minutes ago.

**Ariel:** Oh now you’re just imagining things. *tries to conceal the other chest she’s found but Sora loots it anyway* I’m beginning to think you’re not the nicest person around.

**Sora:** Hey, I have a compulsive need to loot shit, leave me alone. *leads the way outside*

**Bruce:** *is now a mini-boss fight* So! What’s a couple of bites like you doing out so late, eh?

**Sora:** Nothing! We’re not even doing anything! We’re not even out! *murders him, and by murder I mean depletes health bar*

**Bruce:** I never knew my father! *sobs and swims off*

**Ariel:** Well that was weird. BACK TO THE GROTTO WE GO!

**Goofy:** WHEEEEEEEEE~!

**Sora:** *notices something behind some more debris* Huh? What is that thing? If only I could reach it or slip my long weapon towards it or possibly destroy the debris with my weapon of choice or a fireball perhaps… *swims through another cave hole he found* Hey, it’s that giant treasure chest that was embedded into da erf next to your grotto!

**Ariel:** I’ve been swimming around this area my whole life, how are you finding things I never knew about.

**Sora:** I’m just that talented, I guess. *hits thing that makes steam burst out and shove chest out of the way*

**Ariel:** This one’s gonna take a lot of effort to fit into my private little cave—

**Sora:** I’m sure it would’ve been. *obtains Orchalcum*

**Ariel:** *strangles herself with her seashells in a fit of rage*

**Sora:** *enters grotto* Flounder, we’re back!

**Flounder:** There’s a shape here that looks just like that crystal you have.

**Sora:** THAT IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION. *places crystal trident in crystal trident-shaped slot*

**Ariel:** …And now we wait?

**Sora:** And now we wait. Apparently. Kind of expected an immediate reaction.

**King Triton:** Well isn’t it a good thing that it’s slow as fuck. Now, I need a word with you, young lady. I’m very disappointed in you, you know; I specifically told you not to leave the palace again!

**Ariel:** You know, you could’ve physically stopped me instead of watching me leave.

**King Triton:** Nah, that would require less shouting and more effort.

**Sebastian:** I’m a dirty little snitch, I am!

**King Triton:** …Yeah, no, this ain’t happening. *uses Thundaga on crystal trident, destroying it*

**Ariel:** …You fucking bitch. *swims away in a rage*

**King Triton:** Think I’ll just let her swim off into dangerous waters like I really don’t want her to. And as for _you!_

**Sora:** *unconsciously floats at attention*

**King Triton:** I somehow know you’re not from another ocean.

**Sora:** OH MY GOD, HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

**King Triton:** You’re from another planet altogether!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** You’re from another planet.

**King Triton:** SILENCE! Oh, and I also know about Key Bearers and shit. Somehow. Just roll with it, some of us just know these things.

**Sora:** …No, seriously, how did you know. Atlantica wasn’t in BBS. If it was, there’d be a _lot_ of fanart of Aqua as a mermaid. Of course there’s probably a shitload of that already so that argument is probably invalid…

**Goofy:** Is it because Ursula knows and she’s your sister?

**King Triton:** DO NOT SPEAK OF WHAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh…

**King Triton:** Ariel may be super gullible and naïve, but I’m far wiser than she will ever be, because male brains are far superior to females.

**Sora:** And you wonder why she doesn’t like you much.

**King Triton:** You don’t know your dorsal fin from your tail, do you?!

**Sora:** The dorsal fin’s the one on my butt and the tail’s the motherfucking tail.

**King Triton:** …You win this round, but as the Key Bearer, you must already know that one must not meddle in the affairs of other worlds!

**Sora:** So I should just sit back and let people die, then? People like your daughter, for instance?

**King Triton:** …ONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING CAN UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

**Sora:** Also Donald mentioned that, like, twice, but we’ve largely ignored that rule.

**King Triton:** You have largely ignored that rule!

**Sora:** Is there an echo in here?

**King Triton:** The Key Bearer shatters peace and brings ruin!

**Goofy:** Aw, Sora’s just trying to seal the Keyholes of all the worlds so they don’t get taken over by the Heartless and dissolve and/or explode altogether!

**Sora, Donald, and Flounder:** Sora’s just trying to seal the Keyholes of all the worlds so they don’t get taken over by the Heartless and dissolve and/or explode.

**Goofy:** A-hyuk!

**King Triton:** Enough of this! I thank you for meddling enough to save my daughter that one time and for protecting her from those creatures since I’m sure you did all of the work, but there is no room in these waters for you or your weapon.

**Sora:** …It’s actually a pretty wide open space, I’ve got plenty of room—

**King Triton:** METAPHORICALLY, YOU IGNORAMUS! *swims off with Sebastian hot on his tail*

**Sora:** Ohhhh…

~I keep forgetting that this area that Ariel’s in right now even exists. Probably because it only exists for the sake of this scene and nothing else.~

**Ariel:** *crying into her arms on a rock* I can’t believe how screwed over this world’s gonna be in KHII… *sobs harder*

**Flotsam:** Poor child. Poor, poor child.

**Jetsam:** She has a very serious problem.

**Flotsam:** If only there was something we could do.

**Jetsam:** But there _is_ something!

**Ariel:** Who… *sniff* …Who are you?

**Flotsam:** Don’t be scared.

**Jetsam:** We represent someone who can help you.

**Flotsam:** Someone who can make all your dreams come true.

**Ariel:** I really don’t like how close you’re swimming to me right now. Also I don’t understand.

**Jetsam:** Ursula has great powers.

**Ariel:** *gasps* Gasp! You mean the Sea Witch who may or may not be my aunt? Why that’s…I-I couldn’t possibly…NO! Get out of here, leave me alone!

**Flotsam:** Suit yourself.

**Jetsam:** It was only a suggestion. *swims up with Flotsam and the two disappear into a cloud of ink. Somehow*

**Ariel:** …What an extraordinary performance.

**Ursula:** *is formulated from said ink cloud* You called, my dear?

**Ariel:** …Not really…But since you’re here, fuck it, I was wondering if you could help me with a problem I’ve been having.

**Ursula:** My dear sweet child, that’s what I do! It’s what I live for: To help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself! Poor souls with no one else to turn to! Now let me guess…You want to see other worlds, am I right? That should be easy enough. After all, your friends are from another world.

**Ariel:** I _knew_ there was something fucked up about that duck octopus!

**Ursula:** Okay, we need some clarification here. Neither he nor I are octopi. We’re squids.

**Ariel:** …Oh. How can you tell?

**Ursula:** We have six tentacles instead of eight which makes it _less expensive to draw._

**Ariel:** Ah…

**Ursula:** But they had special help from a spaceship and heretofore unforeseen powerful magic that that duck created that will only show up one more time to change an outfit or two and never be seen again. Oh and something about that Key the dolphin boy has.

**Ariel:** Oh, maybe they’ll take me along with them, then, they seem like nice enough people and we’ve become pretty good friends in the short time we’ve spent together—

**Ursula:** Don’t look so down, sweetheart!

**Ariel:** …I think _you’re_ in a different world right now.

**Ursula:** You have something special to help you out as well. You know, on the off-chance that they _don’t_ agree to let you go with them.

**Ariel:** …Fair point.

**Ursula:** I will now explain the plan to you offscreen…

~OOOOOOOH IT’S SO MYSTERIOUS!~

**Flounder:** _Now_ where did Ariel go? I want to go look for her, but I’m kind of a pussy. I had more balls in the prequel but there wasn’t really any real danger back then.

**Sora:** Yeah, we’ll go look, you stay here.

**Flounder:** Way ahead of you. I ain’t leaving this spot for the rest of the game.

**Sora:** I’m sure Ariel values your friendship greatly. *swims off and heads toward the palace for the sake of a save point*

~SUDDEN CUTSCENE NO JUTSU!~

**Ursula:** I think the Keyhole might be somewhere in the palace, as it’s the only place I haven’t really been able to look yet aside from your grotto but there’s no way it would be there so here we are.

**Ariel:** …The hell is Daddy, he’s usually here, not really doing anything.

**Ursula:** Now, if you could somehow sneak in an overweight giant black and lilac squid without anyone noticing, I can do that special favor for you!

**Ariel:** Looks like he’s out, but it’s fine, he left his trident floating around behind his throne.

**Ursula:** …But why would he leave his trident behind and completely unguarded like this?

**Ariel:** I told you Daddy was stupid…How are you doing that without moving your lips?

**Ursula:** I’m probably not, I think you’re flashing back to me telling you the plan even as you’re carrying it out.

**Ariel:** Ah, okay then.

~How does Ariel not know the effect that taking the trident away will have on her father?~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or Ariel will come after you with a dinglehopper.** _


	21. Keep Your Weapons Aimed, Here Comes The Chilling Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Such List, Very Don't Own, Wow:** _Yu-Gi-Oh!,_ Suburnab Knights, _The History of the World: Part 1, Attack on Titan, Pokémon, The Hobbit,_ Film Brain, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~…Donald’s icon is kind of doing a sexy shoulder pose. No one who becomes aware of this will ever orgasm again.~

**Sora:** I just noticed that the sun is always shining down on the palace and never moves, that’s weird. *kills more Heartless and swims up to the palace itself*

**Ursula:** I AM CACKLING OVER MY RECENT ACQUISITION! THANKS FOR HELPING OUT, BITCH!

**King Triton:** How the crap did I get here.

**Ariel:** Damn it, Ursula, you said you’d help me!

**Ursula:** I _lied._

**Ariel:** You catty bitch!

**Ursula:** And besides, aren’t you tired of always following your dear daddy’s orders?

**Ariel:** Wanting freedom and wanting someone physically harmed are two entirely different things!

**Ursula:** …They are? Oh. Whoops. But I _am_ going to send you to another world—

**Ariel:** What, hell? The afterlife? The Shadow Realm?

**Ursula:** Well the End of the World might as well be that, really, or wherever it is that people who lose their worlds go. Who knows, you might just wind up in Traverse Town, or worse comes to worse you’ll be a rock that people can momentarily summon from but never use because no.

**Ariel:** …Not that into that, thanks.

**Flotsam:** Keyhole’s not here, boss.

**Jetsam:** You know, it could be in that one cave we passed on our way here—

**Ursula:** OH NOES NOW WE’LL NEVER FIND IT!

**Sora:** Hey we’re here, what’d we miss?

**Ursula:** Shit, witnesses! I’m afraid you’re a little late, handsome.

**Sora:** Uh, I’m fourteen.

**Ursula:** I was talking to the turtle. 

**Goofy:** Gawrsh! A-hyuk! *blushes*

**Ursula:** *winks at Goofy and Disapparates into a cloud of ink*

**Ariel:** Daddy? I had no idea you were so weak if you so much as let go of your trident.

**King Triton:** We have to get it back, Ariel! I’m completely powerless without it!

**Ariel:** _Then why did you leave it behind to begin with._

**King Triton:** Don’t victim blame me!

**Ariel:** There’s victim blaming and then there’s _common fucking sense._

**Sora:** I’ll go get it for you! *starts to swim off*

**Ariel:** *blocks his way* Wait. I’m going with you, me being the only competent fighter left in the palace and all. Oh and I feel guilty and obligated to defeat Ursula or whatever.

**Sora:** Fine by me!

**Donald:** Aw, but I just got back into the party!

**Sebastian:** I’ll help you too, Ariel! Even though I’ll only be actually onscreen when it’s relevant!

**Ariel:** Good idea. Then you can tell everything that happened to my father. You’re good at that.

**Sebastian:** *flinches*

**King Triton:** Ursula’s one glaring weak point is her cauldron. Hit it with your own magic and you should be able to actually beat her to death.

**Ariel:** Huh. You think she would’ve done something to incapacitate us in some way. I’m the only one under the sea with a brain cell, aren’t I.

**Triton:** Instead of protesting that this whole situation is too dangerous, I no longer give a fuck. There’s a contraption on the cave wall near the Sunken Ship. It’s really the only reason Sebastian is going with you. Seriously.

**Sora:** Oh great.

**King Triton:** Ursula seems to have come from the area I just told you about. You’d think I’d keep better track of powerful magical people I’ve exiled, but you’d be wrong.

**Ariel:** Hang on, I wanna make sure Flounder’s okay before we do anything else.

**Sora:** Oh I’m sure he’s fine.

**Flounder:** There’s this strange boulder near the sunken ship. It has some kind of marking on it.

**Sora:** Go do the boulder thing by the ship, we get it, let’s go already! *leads the way down the shortcut they’d created earlier*

**Bruce:** *eyes are totally black* _**I’M HAVIN’ FISH TONIGHT!**_

**Sora:** Yeah no. *beats him again and finds the button*

**Sebastian:** Need some help? Hang on, I’m small enough to be able to fit down there. It’s not like that giant metal thing of yours can break through damp wood or anything. Let me show you how it’s done.

**Sora:** …You’ll show me how to push a button?

**Sebastian:** Aren’t I the greatest? *disappears until you beat the level*

**Sora:** Right… *heads into the Den of Tides where he hits a fork in the cave* Hmmm…

**Ariel:** Save point’s to the right.

**Sora:** Thank _you!_ *saves and then takes the left path*

**Ariel:** *looks at the floor of the dead fish carcass they’re apparently in right now* Oh Jesus.

**Sora:** ‘Sup?

**Ariel:** See all these gray heads on sticks things?

**Sora:** I was trying not to, why?

**Ariel:** I think these are all Ursula’s past victims. I think she keeps ‘em here like trophies.

**Sora:** Wow, that’s…That’s depressing.

**Ariel:** LET’S NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HELP THEM.

**Sora:** I’M BEHIND YOU ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE WAY. *leads the way into Ursula’s Lair*

**Ursula:** What’s up, this is my lair.

**Sora:** Noted.

**Donald:** Come on out even though you’re already coming out! You can’t run from those of us who really aren’t supposed to be here right now!

**Sebastian:** What he said!

**Ursula:** …You sent _these two_ out to intimidate me? Really? *floats down and glares at them*

**Donald and Sebastian:** *immediately wet themselves*

**Sora:** Augh, I was floating right next to you! *shoots Fira at the cauldron until Ursula’s hit by the blast from it, then pummels her, largely ignoring Flotsam and Jetsam and repeating until Ursula’s unconscious*

**Ariel and Goofy:** *are doing whatever they’re doing, usually warding off the eels or helping you beat Ursula’s shit back in*

**Flotsam and Jetsam:** OH WE ARE SLAIN!

**Ursula:** Huh. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to make my one weak point so obvious and to leave it mostly unguarded like that. Oh well, live and learn.

**Sora:** I am floating menacingly. Apparently.

**Ursula:** WET YOURSELVES AND RUN! *swims away into her sitting area, which was apparently a portal because she dissolves into bubbles*

**That one yellow fish from that one movie about fish:** THEBUBBELSTHEBUBBLESTHEBUBBLESTHEBUBBLESTHEBUBBELS!

**Ariel:** … So that happened. C’mon, Sora, learn the Mermaid Kick ability and let’s beat the final boss of the level, which is Ursula’s Big Giant Head.

**Sora:** …I identify as male and am not entirely comfortable with said masculinity just yet, shouldn’t this be, at the very least, a Merfolk Kick ability or something?

**Ariel:** *sigh* Whatever makes you feel more comfortable, doucheface.

**Sora:** Cool. *loots Ursula’s lair for shit before backtracking to that one area with the huge current and powering his way through* THIS IS SO MUCH FASTER WHY WASN’T THIS UNLOCKED AT THE START.

**Ariel:** To arbitrarily cut you off from certain locations until they became plot relevant, of course!

**Sora:** Of course. *goes into the one area on the entire planet he hasn’t been yet* Well this is a huge, open area, it’s kind of nice*

**Ursula:** *is fondling the trident* THE POWER! THE ABSOLUTE _POWAH!_ THE UNIVERSE IS MINE TO COMMAND, TO _CONTROL!_

**Goofy:** This sounds familiar somehow.

**Ursula:** *bites her hand till it bleeds and grows to a fourteen or fifteen meter class* IT’S GOOD TO BE THE QUEEN! *swipes at Sora with her tentacles*

**Sora:** Oh, I should’ve saved first.

**Ursula:** Apparently I’m That One Boss for some people. *is now wearing a crown because of reasons*

**Sora:** *uses Mermaid Kick to get close to her face*

**One of the teachers who was somehow never named, not even on the AoT Wiki:** What surviving historical documents we have access to tell us nothing of the Titans’ origin. Almost everything about them is obscure. Now, that isn’t to suggest we’re completely ignorant. Thanks to the efforts of the Scout Regiment, we do know something of their ecology.

**Ursula:** *used BUBBLE! It’s not very effective…*

**Sora:** Do you mind?! I’m trying to have a flashback here!

**That same teacher again:** The terrifying vitality of these creatures is beyond scientific dispute. We have only to consider the events of the recent past to see this. Mankind has long possessed cannon technology, as you’re aware, but that alone proved tragically insufficient. Even with their heads blown to bits, the Titans persist. Though there is some variability on this score, a Titan’s head usually regenerates within two minutes.

**Selphie:** Is that true?

**Wakka:** As if their size wasn’t frightening enough…

**Tidus:** *raises hand* Excuse me, sir! Are you basically saying the Titans are immortal?!

**Still that same teacher:** *draws back of head and shoulders on chalkboard* No, I’m not. There is in fact one way to ensure death. Strike _here._ *draws a circle around the neck portion of the drawing* If the back of their neck takes adequate damage, a Titan will not regenerate. This is the chink in the proverbial armor. That, as you may have surmised, is where the flesh-paring blades you see here come in. A good, deep strike with one of these to a Titan’s weak spot, and the monster is left no time to regenerate. They die and stay dead.

**Sora:** *look of awe*

**Riku:** *look of serious concentration*

**Sora:** Man, that guy’s face never changed, I swear. *slams Keyblade into Ursula’s neck over and over again, casting Cure when needed whenever she uses Thundaga*

**Ursula:** THIS WON’T BE PRETTY! *tries to suck Sora in to chomp on him*

**Sora:** I REFUSE TO DIE LIKE THIS! I’LL DRIVE THEM OUT, KILL THEM WITH MY BARE HANDS! _**DO YOU HEAR ME?! WITH MY BARE HANDS!**_

**Goofy:** …Calm down, guy.

**Sora:** …Sorry, kinda got caught up in the moment I guess. *repeats above tactic until Ursula is defeated*

**Ursula:** …This doesn’t bode well for me. *clutches at her throat as she gurgles blue foam and her tentacles are electrocuted*

**Trident:** *appears in a column of yellow light*

**Sora:** …Well that was surprisingly easy.

~Seriously, I’ve never had a problem with Ursula and I’ve been playing these games for like nine or ten years now.~

**Ariel:** …So I fucked up.

**Sora:** Please don’t be angry with her. Be angry at yourself for driving her to that point and be angry at Ursula for being able to very easily manipulate desperate people.

**King Triton:** Oh I’m definitely angry at myself. You’d think that after listening to you about bringing the music back to the kingdom I’d have chilled out slightly.

**Ariel:** Nah, there wasn’t any real danger there, just unfairness, but even when there was danger you should’ve paid attention to how well I handled myself and realized how strong I’d become.

**King Triton:** I WOULDN’T LET YOU FOLLOW YOUR HEART. SEE? HEART? LIKE KINGDOM HEARTS? THE GAME SHIT?

**Sora:** Oh yeah, that’s a thing…

**King Triton:** Remember when I destroyed that crystal ten minutes ago? Well I totally destroyed it ten minutes ago, remember that? I lost my temper and destroyed it? Remember?

**Goofy:** Oh, right! The crystal! I’d completely forgotten about that, thanks for reminding me!

**Sora, Donald, and Ariel:** *collectively facepalm*

**Goofy:** Why _did_ you destroy it anyway?

**Sora:** BECAUSE HE LOST HIS TEMPER PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION.

**King Triton:** That crystal held the power to reveal the Keyhole. The Keyhole is dangerous because it’s where all Heartless come from which is why no Heartless ever appear there or in Tarzan’s place. I had to keep it away from my daughters at any cost.

**Sora:** Which is why you initially hid it in a chest instead of destroying it.

**Triton:** Well I knew she never opens those things anyway.

**Goofy:** …Did that throwaway joke suddenly become a plot point?

**iheartmwpp:** I DID _NOT_ PLAN THIS.

**Ariel:** Speaking of the actual plot of the game, why am I not one of the seven princesses of heart? Is it because I’m not the eldest? Is Maleficent prejudiced against fish? Or is it because I can actually fight and am not completely helpless all the damn time.

**King Triton:** Fucked if I know. Key Bearer, I have one final request: Seal the Keyhole. Do what you came here to do so you can just fucking leave already.

**Sora:** But I can’t do it without the crystal, can I?

**King Triton:** Of course you can, for my trident also has the power to reveal the Keyhole.

**Sora:** …So that trident crystal was the most useless McGuffin in the history of McGuffins, then?

**King Triton:** Most likely. Will you do the thing?

**Sora:** …You didn’t want me anywhere near it…and now you want me to seal it more than anything.

**Triton:** I’m fickle.

**Sora:** …Well okay then. As it’s supposedly the only reason we even came here besides looking for our friends which we didn’t even bother to do this time around, why the hell not.

**Goofy:** …Actually, considering he knows about the Keyholes and Key Bearers and other planets and things, why aren’t we asking him at least about where King Mickey might be?

**Donald:** That’s dumb and you’re dumb for thinking it.

**Goofy:** See, this is why you’re never in the party.

**Ariel:** So where _is_ the Keyhole, anyway?

**King Triton:** _In you grotto!_

**Dramatic music:** DUN dun _DUUUN!_

**Goofy:** Le gasp! Sora, we must away! Ere break of day!

**Donald:** To find our long forgotten gold?

**Sora:** Well the two of us did just get a Thunder-to-Thundara upgrade, that spell’s gold, so sure.

**King Triton:** And Ansem’s Report Three!

**Sora:** I’m missing number two, then, I’ll read it when it makes sense.

**King Triton:** Ariel never knew of the Keyhole’s existence. Perhaps her love of other worlds drew it near her.

**Sora:** Or it drew her near it, more like.

**Ariel:** So…You’re not gonna destroy all my human crap?

**Triton:** THOU SHALL NOT QUESTION THY FATHER’S FUCKED UP LOGIC!

**Ariel:** …

**Sebastian:** Ursula’s gone and the trident has been recovered. What a relief. Now if only Ariel would settle down a bit…

**Ariel:** Hell the fuck no! *leads the way back to her grotto*

**Goofy:** Hey, no more enemies! I thought that only happened after we sealed the Keyhole of a particular planet…

**Sora:** Just be grateful we can rest for a little while. WOW it’s sunny in here all of a sudden.

**Film Brain:** SYMBOLISM!!!OMNOMNOM!!!

**Flounder:** I am here!

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Ariel:** *all swim in for the cutscene*

**Flounder:** And now I’m not!

**Ariel:** I haz Daddy’s trident!

**Sora:** Isn’t he pathetically weak without it?

**Ariel:** YYYYYEP!

**Sora:** Okay.

**Trident:** *floats up until it’s floating over the trident-shaped hole in the wall*

**Rock in the middle of the room:** *starts to bubble until a transparent bright blue rectangle with the Keyhole is floating in the center of the area*

**Sora:** *locks it*

**Ariel:** That was nifty. So tell me, Sora, what’s your world like?

**Sora:** Well I _could_ tell you about how it’s a small collection of islands in the middle of a vast ocean that no one’s ever bothered to travel across apparently. In fact, I might have an interesting fanfic idea that was probably done to death but I don’t read much of it so I’m unaware…see, I’ve been living next to the sea my whole life. Maybe…Maybe our worlds are more closely connected than we thought?

**Ariel:** Yeah, it’s probably been done to death by now.

**Sora:** You’re probably right. But instead of telling you all about that, I’m gonna deflect the question immediately and just apologize for lying to you!

**Ariel:** Which is just as well, I’m a pretty forgiving sorta gal. And besides, if you can travel to other worlds, maybe I can too! *swims up in a fashion similar to Part of Your World* So many places I want to see; I know I’ll get there someday! Or I’ll just settle for growing legs and sticking to one kingdom where I’ll wall the city off for years because once I have my own child it’ll turn out that I inherited my father’s extreme paranoia and even after shit gets better I’ll never leave the place that I’ve settled down at, BUT WHATEVER.

**Sebastian:** Well if you find a way to do all that, do me a favor and leave me out of it!

**Canned laughter:** *is heard*

**Ariel:** And now to actually give you something from my collection: A Crabclaw keychain that somehow transforms your Keyblade that I somehow knew to get for you and somehow knew you’d need a power-up! Somehow!

**Sora:** Sweet. *equips it immediately*

**Flounder:** And now I am the back, and I noticed that the waters feel calmer now — probably because Ursula’s gone and you sealed the Keyhole.

**Sora:** Nah, that doesn’t make any sense.

**Goofy:** We out?

**Sora:** We out! *heads back to the palace because save point*

**King Triton:** I seem to have misjudged you all. Ariel is safe and sound, and the trident has been returned, thanks to you. I did not trust you, and for that I apologize.

**Sora:** Apology accepted, giant muscular man who could kill me with his pinky so of course I’ll accept it out of fear.

**King Triton:** Mark my words, key bearer. Use the key with caution. If mishandled, it may bring unspeakable calamity…Just like my trident. Take heed.

**Sora:** …ALL RIGHT, NO PRESSURE THEN. *leaves a warm spot trailing behind him as he heads back into space*

~And so ends probably my second favorite area in the whole game.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or the next squid you come across will turn into a fourteen-meter class Titan.** _


	22. This Is Halloween, This Is Halloween...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Here's A Bunch Of Stuff I Don't Own:** _Silent Hill, Superman At Earth’s End, Young Frankenstein,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Harry Potter, Legend of Korra, Attack on Titan, Pumpkinhead,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Almost immediately the music gives the impression that it’s been remixed for the worse, but then it goes back to normal and everyone sighs in relief.~

**Title Card:** _Boys and girls of every age_  
 _Wouldn’t you like to see something strange?_  
 _Come with us and you will see_  
 _This, our Town of Halloween…_

**Sora:** Well that was a nice spaceship backtrack thing we just did off-page to get here before Neverland.

**Goofy:** …Why am I a Frankenstein monster with a screw in my head? The people here can’t be as scary-looking as this!

**Donald:** I am _literally_ missing my midriff right now, you guys! Clearly I gave myself the best costume!

**Goofy:** No kidding, at least you’ll be recognizable instantly, I actually had to take a second to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to be! And what even is Sora?

**Sora:** I don’t know what even is me.

**Donald:** … _I_ don’t know what even is Sora. But it looks cool, though, right?

**Sora:** It’ll give variation to cosplayers, I’ll give it that. *heads to Guillotine Square*

**ASPLOASION:** *is seen and heard*

**Sora:** HOLY SHIT A WHOLE BUNCH OF HEARTLESS why aren’t they moving or trying to attack us. And why can I not attack any of them.

**Mayor:** *pulls out megaphone* And now, allow me to introduce the Master of Terror, the King of Nightmares—

**Sora:** HOLY FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM AND HOW DID I NOT SEE YOU.

**Mayor:** …JACK SKELLINGTON!

**Heartless:** *move aside gracefully as Jack emerges from the fountain like he did in the movie, minus the fanfare and music and characters and everything else that actually made that scene work beautifully*

**Mayor:** Bravo, Jack! Your nonexistent audience _loved_ it! And those Heartless will be a big hit at next year’s Halloween!

**Jack:** Thank you, thank you! But their movements still need work. The way they float while moving their arms in a terrifying fashion and how one eyeball is hanging from its socket while the other spazzes in a way that makes you feel sick and disturbed just isn’t scary enough. Maybe if they were their original dark and dreary colors instead of this purple, pink, and green cheerfulness or something. My goal is to strike bone-chilling terror in the hearts and minds of everyone I meet using demons from another dimension that could plunge this world into darkness whenever they wish! Wait. How the fuck am I not a villain. I’m gonna talk to the doctor about that, see what he thinks. *walks off*

**Mayor:** Then I’ll go attend to the decorations and end up not doing anything because this location’s going to look exactly the same as it does now from here on out! *runs off, realizes he’s going the wrong way, and runs in the other direction*

**Sora:** …Did they not notice us standing here? And that wasn’t all that scary, it was just a skeleton coming out of a fountain. Maybe if he’d previously had a pumpkin on his head and was set on fire and dancing around before he went into the fountain while a bunch of witches and vampires and werewolves and clowns danced around him, now that would be something!

**Mayor:** *is standing in a corner* That’s quite a costume you’ve got there! I somehow know you’re new to Halloween Town, which makes sense, we all kind of know each other. This town is all about scaring people! Jack and the rest of us, who are never seen, are always looking for new ways to scare people. Why, we’ve considered taking a hike down to Silent Hill to get some more ideas, because that town is the _shit_ , you don’t even know! And these Heartless fit right in, too! This year, we’ll have a Heartless Halloween! Jack even found a book that talks about the Heartless that we’re not going to share with you at all! Isn’t that exciting?

**Sora:** Uh-huh, sure. *rings Jack’s doorbell three times and an Elixer pops out of the chimney* That Jack guy said he was gonna see a doctor, right? Well I somehow know this is a lab entryway, as doctors have labs, so let’s break and enter like we always do! *breaks and enters like they always do*

**Heartless:** *is lying on an operating table*

**Jack:** I don’t understand why they’re not moving as creepily anymore. Maybe the guidance system was damaged in the explosion that we somehow did somewhere at some point.

**Doctor Finkelstein:** Nonsense, my devices are always perfect! Which is why I always complain about how defective Sally is!

**Jack:** Yeah, been meaning to comment on how creepy that is, frankly… *scanning through some big textbook* Oh, I’ve got it! Why, of course! The Heartless need a heart, which basically negates their existence! THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Doctor, do you think we could add a heart to that device?

**Doctor Finkelstein:** Well I guess we could rip out the heart of some innocent passerby and use it to not only give life to these creatures but also infuse it with the fear of the victim’s final moments—

**Jack:** No, I mean manufacture one.

**Doctor Finkelstein:** Oh. That sounds not only much less terrifying but also far more needlessly complicated.

**Jack:** That’s it, that’s exactly what I wanted!

**Doctor Finkelstein:** WELL THEN LET’S DO IT!

**Jack:** “To make a heart, first take a container with a lock…” I’ve got Zero’s old carrying case, that should do it…

**Doctor Finkelstein:** Nah, I’ve already got a torso-sized contraption in the shape of an actual physical human heart that’s already beating strangely, we’ll just dump shit into this.

**Jack:** Okay, that works too.

**Doctor Finkelstein:** But we need the key to this thing before we do anything else!

**Jack:** Wouldn’t you have put it nearby your contraption thingy?

**Doctor Finkelstein:** I never made one to begin with, actually.

**Jack:** …You made a functional container thing but you didn’t make a key to it?

**Doctor Finkelstein:** I AM A MAD SCIENTIST, NEVER EXPECT LOGIC!

**Jack:** Sorry, yeesh…

**Donald:** We were apparently here for the entire conversation while they didn’t seem to care.

**Sora:** We also evidently explained the thing about the Keyblade being able to unlock everything and anything to them offscreen so I could unlock the thing for them.

**Donald:** I’m not so sure this is a good idea.

**Sora:** Which only makes me want to do it more. And besides, if it works, we won’t have to fight the Heartless at all in this world, right? I could use a break from the monotony.

**Donald:** But once we seal the Keyhole, the Heartless will disappear unless we come back to level up anyway!

**Sora:** …Well we’ll at least see them make fools of themselves before they’re disposed of, that’ll be fun, right?

**Donald:** Not really…

**Sora:** Well I don’t care what you think.

**Jack:** Apparently you already unlocked it! That was amazing! Aaaaand I don’t know you or why we just let you fiddle with our equipment like that without knowing your name, so if you could finally introduce yourself, that’d be spectacular.

**Sora:** I’m Sora. Those two don’t matter, don’t even bother asking about them.

**Jack:** I won’t. But well done, Sora! I’d like you to be a part of this year’s Halloween!

**Sora:** I would be honored—

**Jack:** In about five months.

**Sora:** …So what’s this Heartless doing here?

**Jack:** Oh, the Heartless came to town quite recently. And apparently we’ve already been briefed on their names without any Final Fantasy characters hanging around to exposit to us. I wanna get them to do the tarantella but they just can’t get the footwork right.

**Sora:** …Could it be because this particular type of Heartless doesn’t have any feet?

**Jack:** Now you’re just messing with me. Anyway, the doctor and I are trying to improve the guidance system, because we did figure out that they kind of have a hive-mind of sorts. The doctor’s a genius like that. Okay, Doc, let’s keep at it. The ingredients for a heart: Pulse, Emotion, Terror, Fear, Hope, and Despair. These are symbolized by a live frog, a spider, nails on a chalkboard, and two snakes eating themselves. Add all that shit together and BOOM! Instant heart!

**Twin clones of Hitler:** Of course! Don’t you know anything about _science?!_

**Sora:** …Um…

**Jack:** Pull the lever, Doctor!

**Doctor Finkelstein:** *pulls the lever*

**Jack:** *falls down a trapdoor* WRONG LEVAAAAAAAAAAH~!

**Sora:** *snickers*

**Jack:** *comes back through the door, slapping away a crocodile that was eating his butt* Why do we even _have_ that lever…

**Doctor Finkelstein:** *pulls the proper lever*

**Scientific equipment:** *lights up and sparks and shit*

**Heartless:** *sits up, twitches, and lies back down*

**Doctor Finkelstein:** …Nothing.

**Sora:** *deadpan* That was even more scarier. I think I just pissed all over your house.

**Jack:** Oh Doctor, I’m so sor—

**Doctor Finkelstein:** No, no! Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace.

**Sora:** *takes off his pumpkin mask and holds it against his heart*

**Doctor Finkelstein:** SON OF A BITCH, BASTARD, I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS! *starts strangling the Heartless* WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME! What did you do to me…

**Jack:** *trying to restrain him* Doctor, stop it! You’ll kill it!

**Doctor Finkelstein:** *pounding on the Heartless’s chest* I DON’T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LI-hi-hive… *sobs*

**Sora:** *yanks the wheelchair away from the operating table and looks directly at the readers* Quiet dignity and grace, he says.

**Doctor Finkelstein:** *calming down* Maybe it just needs some more ingredients. Maybe if we add memory to it, long before Chain of Memories even starts up! *scratches brain* Sally? Sally! Good-for-nothing girl! Don’t know why I bothered creating her!

**Sora:** Oh sure, _that_ won’t give her a self-esteem complex at all.

**Doctor Finkelstein:** Sally’s got the memory we need!

**Sora:** See? She _is_ good for something! Just try to focus on that!

**Doctor Finkelstein:** Go grab her or something.

**Jack:** Consider it done. Sora, wanna tag along?

**Sora:** Absolutely! HOLY SHIT JACK’S SO TALL HE’S ESCAPING FROM THE PARTY MENU.

**Donald:** I’m not sure I wanna go through with this.

**Sora:** Good, then you won’t mind sitting this one out.

**Donald:** I’m sitting _everything_ out!

**Sora:** Don’t stop now, it’s doing us so much good. Oh hey, there’s something on that bookshelf! Yoink! *obtains Torn Page* …On second thought…

**Doctor Finkelstein:** You might find Sally at her favorite place. You know, where people nap forever. Can you guess where?

**Sora:** Good question. Let me answer with another question: If you’re so impatient about getting the heart to work, why are you only giving us vague hints about where to find people.

**Doctor Finkelstein:** I CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT SALLY GO GET HER GO GET HER NOW.

**Sora:** Why do I talk to people? *goes outside*

**Mayor:** *shouting through the megaphone with his scared face on* Jack! _Jack!_ We have a major problem! The Heartless went completely insane and are killing all the people who aren’t actually here!

**Jack:** …We may have done an oopsie. But don’t worry, we got this. Put your happy face back on.

**Donald:** I am disapprove.

**Sora:** No one cares. *murders all the Heartless in sight*

**Jack:** What a waste…

**Sora:** Don’t worry, they respawn every two areas or so.

**Jack:** Oh! Alrighty then! *cheerfully joins the slaughter and leads the way to the graveyard*

**Sora:** Let’s check this place, too, once the Heartless here are out of our way.

**Goofy:** …Isn’t that exactly what we do everywhere in every area?

**Sora:** …Shut up. *kills everything*

**Zero:** *floats up from his grave once the area’s clear* I AM A GHOST!

**Jack:** Zero! Have you seen Sally anywhere?

**Zero:** She was hiding behind that statue over there during the whole fight.

**Sally:** Well don’t you suck. *stands up* Hey, Jack, what do?

**Jack:** Nothin’ much, causing chaos in the name of celebrating Halloween again. All we need left is your memory. And I kinda hope we’re not talking about your brain, I’d like to leave that in you, quite frankly.

**Sally:** And I love you even more for that, Jack. But here, have this flower that doesn’t even look like a Forget-Me-Not.

**Jack:** Thank _you!_

**Sally:** Jack, I really don’t think whatever you’re doing is a good idea. I sense there’s something in the wind that feels like tragedy’s at hand, and though I’d like to stand by you, can’t shake this feeling that I have. The worst is just around the bend…Can’t you try something else? There’s still time, isn’t there? Considering it’s fucking months and months away?

**Jack:** But nothing could beat what I’ve got planned! Once we give the Heartless a heart, they’ll return to normal and dance for joy, then wet themselves with horror once they catch a glimpse of us and all our friends! It will be _glorious!_

**Sally:** *looks scared*

**Jack:** Trust me, it won’t be like those lame jump scares we’ve had for years that everyone passes off as horror but is cheap as hell; this will be actual, _psychological_ horror!

**Sally:** I seriously doubt it’ll have the intended effect, dude. I’m happy if you’re happy, but I just don’t want you to receive any lasting damage.

**Jack:** …Sally, I’m _dead._ I can take off my head and recite Shakespearian quotations.

**Sally:** Skeletons can still be destroyed, and I don’t want anything to backfire because then you’ll be sad.

**Jack:** Aww…

**Sally:** Can’t those new people be in the Halloween celebration instead? They’re infinitely more terrifying than the Heartless.

**Jack:** They seemed reluctant when I told them how far away Halloween actually is.

**Sally:** Ah.

**Zero:** *disappears every time you get close to him, except for his nose*

**Sora:** Creepy. *head back to the doctor’s place*

**Coffin:** *starts laughing creepily then opens*

**Lock:** Lock!

**Shock:** Shock!

**Barrel:** Barrel! Did you hear that?

**Lock:** Yeah, I sure did! We just said our own names out loud for no reason! Also something about human organs, but that’s kind of normal for Finkelstein, not sure why we’re so hyped about it.

**Shock:** Well there’s only one thing we should do, now isn’t there?

**Lock:** You’re right! We have to tell Oogie Boogie about this run-of-the-mill, totally average development!

**Sora:** Friggin’ Heartless, can’t wait till we sort this shit out. *kills them all and heads back to the lab* You know, maybe we shouldn’t have left the doc alone with that other Heartless — Oh, it’s still unconscious. How ‘bout that.

**Doctor Finkelstein:** Huzzah! You got the thing! Now, just one more ingredient.

**Sora:** Wha—But you said _this_ was the last ingredient!

**Doctor Finkelstein:** I done lieded. We need Surprise to complete the heart.

**Goofy:** …Not love or hate or happiness or warmth or sadness or—

**Doctor Finkelstein:** I don’t know what seven of the words in that sentence mean. Just go talk to the mayor and find out where it is.

~Why’s the doc so confused about making a heart, anyway? He made all of Sally, he had to have given her a heart or how could she love Jack?~

**Oogie Boogie:** *is cackling madly while towering over Lock, Shock, and Barrel* Seriously? A heart? Jack Skellington of all people is trying to make a heart? At last! That means my place on the Evil League of Evil was completely justified! I’M INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT NOW, HA HA! When I get my hands on…Well, I got no hands, but I’m still gonna nab that heart and control the Heartless because apparently Maleficent didn’t give me that power to begin with like she did all the other villains, that bitch.

**Shock:** …Lock, could you stop strangling me?

**Lock:** No.

~And then the doctor gave another vague clue about a coffin instead of outright stating exactly where he wants you to search. HE’S A GENIUS, I TELLS YA!~

**Sora:** *beats the Heartless in the graveyard again and goes inside the coffin* Well that was weird and creepy and vaguely Silent Hill-esque. Yo Mayor, we heard from Doctor Finkelstein that you could give something to us for the Halloween event—

**Mayor:** Ghosts rise from these tombstones you see before you. Check the tombstones in the order the ghosts appear. If you get it wrong, we shoot enemy Heartless at your face!

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Ghosts:** *rise from the tombstones*

**Sora:** *checks the tombstones in the order the ghosts appeared*

**Explosion:** *is heard*

**McGonagall:** BOOM!

**Mayor:** LOOK AT THE PUMPKIN! LOOK AT THE FUCKING PUMPKIN!

**Sora:** All right, all right! *obtains Jack-in-the-Box*

**Mayor:** Well? Obtaining that thing you wanted like you wanted was certainly a surprise, eh? Man I can’t wait for the festival, I hope the heart’s ready in time!

**Sora:** Yeah, that’d be great…AND BACK WE GO I LOVE FETCH QUESTS I fucking hate fetch quests THAT’S ALL THIS GAME FUCKING IS I HATE THIS!

**Doctor Finkelstein:** YAY THE THING. *shoves it into the heart off-camera* This time it should work. It has to! *starts to wheel himself to the operating table*

**Barrel:** *throws himself in front of the wheelchair*

**Doctor Finkelstein:** *falls out of his wheelchair and the heart goes flying out of his hands*

**Sora:** Wha — How did we not notice those guys?!

**Lock:** *catches it* Thank _you!_ *leaves with the other two*

**Sora:** …And now we’re just gonna stand here and not do anything…

**Doctor Finkelstein:** The nerve of those young whippersnappers, stealing my thingus! Those three must be working for Oogie Boogie.

**Sora:** Who?

**Doctor Finkelstein:** They’re probably at Oogie Boogie’s place right now.

**Sora:** _Who?_

**Doctor Finkelstein:** Those three must be working for Oogie Boogie.

**Sora:** I HATE EVERYTHING! *goes outside* We lost them! If only we chased them immediately when they were here!

**Jack:** *pats knee*

**Zero:** ‘Sup, nerd?

**Jack:** Zero, after those three, quick!

**Zero:** This way! *flies over to the graveyard*

**Lock, Shock, and Barrel:** *ARE IN THE BATHTUB THING I LOVE THE BATHTUB THING*

**Crescent Hill:** *uncurls to create a bridge that the BATHTUB THING can go across*

~ Am I the only one who’s amused that Zero keeps disappearing except for his nose whenever I go near him?~

**Sora:** *makes his way through to Crescent Hill* Sweet, Black Fungus Heartless! *nets nearly four hundred EXP instantly* Now that that’s over, I psychically know that I should examine this one particular gravestone to unfurl the thingy. *goes across uncurled hill* Oh good, another bridge.

**Goofy:** But don’t fall off it, though, or you’ll be immediately swarmed by Heartless!

**Sora:** *immediately falls off and is swarmed by Heartless*

**Goofy:** Why do I bother.

**Sora:** *is finally starting to have a slight challenge. Maybe leveling up so insanely like this wasn’t such a good plan in the short term* …Goofy, I’d like to open this chest now. Please get the fuck out of my way.

**Goofy:** *stays where he is like a dumbass*

**Sora:** Remind me why I haven’t killed you yet. *obtains Flare-G*

**Jack:** Quick, guys! Back up here! *leads the way to Oogie’s Manor*

**Lock, Shock, and Barrel:** *ARE STILL RIDING THE BATHTUB THING I LOVE THE BATHTUB THING*

**Jack:** I _knew_ Oogie Boogie was behind this! That’s all I’m gonna say on the subject!

**Sora:** Who’s Oogie Boogie?

**Jack:** …

**Sora:** …That’s it, I’m swapping your out for Donald. 

**Donald:** I knew you loved me!

**Sora:** Don’t flatter yourself, there’s supposedly a Red Trinity that’ll be lost forever if we don’t get it now, that’s the only reason you’re here.

**Donald:** Aww…

**Goofy:** Actually, that was fixed for the Final Mix version and now it’s just at the gate at the bottom of this area, we can get it whenever we want!

**Sora:** …Well never mind then! *dicks around the mansion collecting items and killing Heartless before heading up to the very top room labeled Evil Playroom*

**Lock, Shock, and Barrel:** *after dumping the heart in a shoot leading to Oogie Boogie, seem surprised that people would follow them in order to get a stolen item back. WHODA THUNK IT*

**Sora:** Oh how I love beating small children. *beats small children*

**Shock:** *nursing broken ribs* We were just following orders! We got no joy out of it! Ignore the hysterical laughter whenever we do something bad, we really hate doing this kind of thing! Oogie Boogie told us to steal the heart! Also I blame Barrel for telling Oogie Boogie in the first place.

**Lock:** *rubbing cracked skull* What she said!

**Barrel:** *trying to reattach shattered, lopped off foot* It was you guys who—

**Shock:** Now go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done!

**Barrel:** Oh _fuck_ you, bitch!

**Sora:** *uses the convenient save point to bring Jack back, and also save*

**Lock:** Oogie Boogie made us do it! There’s no way I’m gonna take you to him! If I did that, Oogie Boogie would eat us, too!

**Sora:** …Okay, fair enough.

**Shock:** We don’t have the heart! Oogie Boogie has it!

**Barrel:** What’s Oogie Boogie gonna do with the heart? Not a clue, but he told us not to tell anyone about his hiding place. Oh, and we’re not supposed to talk about the lever, either.

**Lock and Shock:** _Barrel!_

**Jack:** *smirks* Pull the lever, Sora!

**Sora:** *pulls lever*

**Jack:** *falls down trapdoor* WRONG LEVAAAAAAAH~!

**Lock, Shock, Barrel, and Goofy:** *rolling on the floor laughing*

**Jack:** *comes back up soaking wet and with an alligator nomming his butt* Why does anyone in this town even _have_ that lever…

**Sora:** *hits the right one and gears start turning* Hmm. I WONDER IF THIS OPENED THE GREEN DOOR WE COULDN’T OPEN BEFORE.

**Jack:** YOU MEAN THE ONE WITH OOGIE’S FACE ON IT?!

**Sora:** YEAH THAT ONE.

**Jack:** NOW YOU’RE JUST TALKIN’ CRAZY TALK! *leads the way back down near the bottom of the manor* Oogie Boogie! Give me back the heart you took from me!

**Oogie Boogie:** But I bought you dinner and everything! *cackles*

**Jack:** Damn it, walked right into that one…

**Oogie Boogie:** Come and get it if you want it that badly! *swallows it whole*

**Jack:** …You did not just do that.

**Oogie Boogie:** Now let’s see of that worked. YO! HEARTLESS! DO THE THING! *is suddenly flanked by two Gargoyles* …This is it? You’re joking! You’re joking! I can’t believe my eyes! You’re joking! You’re _joking!_ These can’t be the right guys!*gets pissed* Nobody disrespects me! _NOBODY!_

**Nobodies:** This is not untrue.

**Sora:** …Oh, I get it.

**Goofy:** I don’t get it.

**Oogie Boogie:** I do! It’s funny! I’m laughing! You really are too much! And now with your permission, I’m going to do my stuff.

**Sora:** What’re you going to do?

**Oogie Boogie:** I’m gonna do the best I can! *winks*

**Boss fight:** *starts*

**Jack:** Okay, guys, let’s capture him and wait for him to shit out the heart!

**Sora:** …Great.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, can’t we just make him vomit it back up?

**Jack:** I never thought of that! Spectacular idea, Goofy!

**Sora:** Yeah…spectacular.

**Oogie Boogie:** *rolls dice, and depending on the number he rolled different shit happens*

**Sora:** *waits for shit to stop happening and for the buttons to glow so he can step on one and trap Oogie Boogie and BEAT HIS ASS UNTIL HE IS GRASS*

**Oogie Boogie:** NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE! *bugs start spilling out of his bodeh* MY BUGS, MY BUGS! MY BUGS! _MY BUGS!_ _**MY BUGS!**_ *dissolves completely into worms, spiders, and insects*

**Sora, Goofy, and Jack:** …Ew.

**One last little blue bug:** *crawls away from the heart contraption thing and falls right next to Sora, landing on its back and twitching*

**Jack:** So the heart was a failure after all.

**Goofy:** Apparently he’d also eaten a Holy Circlet and Ansem’s Report number Seven.

**Sora:** That’s nice, let’s peace out.

~…No one’s gonna squish that last bug?~

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Jack:** WE ARE NOW WALKING AWAY FROM THE MANOR. FEAR US AND OUR WALKY POWERS OF WALKNESS.

**Earthquake:** *is a thing*

**Jack:** …And now he’s eaten and/or been absorbed by the manor itself. Sure. Why not.

**Sora:** …Okay, that’s, like, Colossal level of huge-itude. I didn’t think he had any flesh to injure himself with!

**Jack:** It seems to be fueled by those purple orbs of darkness sticking out of him everywhere. If we kill those, that’ll somehow kill it!

**Sora:** …Well okay then! *jumps down* YAY NO FALL DAMAGE!

**Oogie Boogie’s Manor:** Lanturn, fireball, and Heartless damage, though!

**Sora:** Holy shit, you’re probably totally right! *avoids and casts Blizzara when necessary, but mostly focuses on defeating purple black balls of death, destruction, and chaos* Damn these things are elusive and hard to get to…

**Oogie Boogie’s Manor:** *is eventually defeated* I’M MELTING, _MEEELTIIING! OH, WHAT A WORLD!_ *completely dissolves into sand*

**Sora:** …The Keyhole was _under_ the manor this whole time?!

**Keyhole:** Yep, and I’m embedded in the ground and am far more larger than any other Keyhole ever. For some reason.

**Sora:** I have no idea why I’m pointing my Keyblade at the sky or why it’s shooting out its beam of light that just falls onto you kind of pathetically.

**Keyhole:** Whatever, I’m locked now. *is locked now*

~And this got us a Gravity-has-been-upgraded-to-Gravira upgrade. Except on relevant mushrooms, I don’t think I’ve used that spell once all game.~

**Jack:** We are now back at Doctor Finkelstein’s lab. DAMN IT SALLY WHY DIDN’T I LISTEN TO YOU I’M SO ASHAMED.

**Sally:** You should be, you’re an idiot. But now we’ve learned so we can make Halloween this year the best there ever was, for realzies this time. *holds his hands* This time, we’ll do it together.

**Sora:** Aww, that’s sweet.

**Jack:** Welp, the Heartless Halloween festival has officially been cancelled. Here, have a thingy. *gives Sora Pumpkinhead keychain*

**Sora:** …Pumpkunhead. My Keyblade is now called… _Pumpkinhead._

**Mayor Bubba:** Tragedy, ain’t it.

**Jack:** Come by to level up here any time, Sora. Next year’s Halloween will be the scariest ever! EVERYONE WILL PLAY P.T. IN THE DARK ALL BY THEMSELVES!

**Sora:** _GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA THIS PLACE!_

**Doctor Finkelstien:** Not just yet. Emotion, memory…We put in all the necessary ingredients to make a heart aside from love which is most commonly associated with it but who cares. What else do you need to make a heart and if you say love I’ll kill you? What is a heart, anyway, as it’s certainly not the organ that pumps blood in order to keep you alive like in real fucking life. I can’t figure out if it’s supposed to be a stand-in for soul or if it’s something else entirely. I also still can’t figure out what exactly went wrong with the thing that was supposed to be a huge success! I guess more experimentation is needed…Maybe I used the wrong ingredient for terror? I should try a skull, or an actual Heartless next time…

**Sora:** Or you could make it so there isn’t a next time!

**Doctor Finkelstein:** *bursts out laughing*

**Sora:** Huh boy.

**Sally:** Yeah, both he and Jack are _totally_ gonna keep doing what they’re doing regardless of consequences. And when Jack’s happy, I’m happy. Except when horrible things happen, then no one’s happy.

**Sora:** That’s nice, I’m getting the fuck outta here. *gets the fuck outta here, meets the other characters on the way to getting the fuck outta here*

**Lock:** Halloween Town’s quiet with Oogie Boogie gone, so we’re gonna be psychotic serial killers in his place! It’ll be fun! Oh, but we won’t do it when you’re around, though. Just when you’re not here. Trust us on that.

**Shock:** Don’t look at me, I’m just…keeping an eye on these two, yeah…

**Barrel:** …I don’t really like pulling pranks, but these two are the only friends I have, even though they always blame me for everything _they_ do and that _they_ come up with. Maybe I should get some new friends, but I have no idea how to start…

**Sora:** I feel for ya, kid, I really do. Why not go talk to Sally, she seems nice.

**Barrel:** Might do, might do…

**Mayor:** Keep an eye on those three rascals. There’s no telling what they’ll do once you have your back turned!

**Sora:** Um, sorry, can’t do that, considering we’re _leaving._

**Mayor:** But I—

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *leave*

**Mayor:** …Damn it…

~…Well this world was surprisingly short…~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll have to face a villain that everyone else knows everything about but they refuse to tell you about no matter how much you ask.** _


	23. Donald Actually Sticks Around This Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **LOOK AT ALL THIS SHIT I DON'T OWN:** _Assassin’s Creed 4: Black Flag,_ the original Peter Pan play, _One Piece, Once Upon A Time, Hook,_ old Geico commercials, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~It’s now time for a game of HOW MANY PIRATE FRANCHISES CAN I REFERENCE IN ONE WORLD?! Like, two or three, actually, that’s kind of it…~

**Goofy:** Uh, a big ship is catching up to us. Like, not a spaceship, like an actual boat-like ship.

**Donald:** How the fuck does that work, how are they supposed to breathe in the vacuum of space—OH SHIT PIRATES.

**Sora:** …That’s actually kind of awesome—OH CRAP THEY’RE GONNA RAM US I HOPE THEY DON’T HAVE THE ELITE RAM WITH THE ELITE HULL ARMOR BUILT IN!

~How is the boat now on water when they were in space, are they just on the world now?~

**Sora:** *walking on the bow* The hell did the Gummi ship go, why does it always disappear at times like this and where does it disappear to, this never makes any sense…What am I even doing and why am I just walking around?

**Riku:** I didn’t think you’d actually continue to search every world you could in order to find me and Kairi, Sora.

**Sora:** HOLY FUCK I JUST NOTICED YOU WERE THERE.

**Riku:** Hey, man.

**Sora:** Hey. Wait, where are Donald and Goofy, they were just here, I am legitimately confused.

**Riku:** Are you really that legitimately confused? Or are they just that important to you?

**Sora:** Hey, man, I only use them for the spaceship and because they insist that sticking by me is their mission. Also Goofy’s semi-useful in combat. That’s _all,_ guy!

**Riku:** …So you _don’t_ consider these new friends to be more important than your old friends whom you’ve known since childhood?

**Sora:** …Dude. I’m allowed to have more than two friends in all of existence.

**Riku:** I disagree. Apparently. But seriously, Kairi’s in a coma, show a _little_ compassion.

**Kairi:** I’m in a coma!

**Sora:** KAIRI! WAKE UP, MY BELOVED!

**Kairi:** No.

**Sora:** Aww…

**Riku:** While you were off dicking around, I actually found her ass. Don’t really know how, to be honest, her heart was absorbed by you and her body became Naminé or something, but this still showed up somewhere and now I’ve been trying everything I can to revive her while you insist on doing nothing of worth.

**Sora:** So you consider saving several entire planets from self-destructing, beating back the forces of darkness so people don’t _die,_ helping everyone I could who needed it, and attempting to get stronger so I can do all of these things, all while desperately attempting to reunite with you and Kairi so we can go home as _nothing of worth?!_

**Riku:** …Yes?

**Sora:** Well move aside, I wanna see if True Love’s Kiss can revive her, that always works on everything. *starts to run forward*

**Captain Hook:** *waves hook in front of Sora’s face* I’m over here, you vile display of rancid flatulence. Oh and also don’t come any closer or something.

**Sora:** Riku, where did Smee and these pirate Heartless come from? Also why are you siding with the Heartless?

**Riku:** Cuz they’re awesome pirate Heartless.

**Sora:** Oh. Good point.

**Heartless!Luffy:** I’M GONNA BE KING OF THE PIRATE HEARTLESS!

**Sora:** Damn, I'm still like two hundred episodes behind, I need to catch up on that shit, it's good shit.

**Riku:** All of these awesome pirate Heartless are now under my control. I have absolutely nothing to fear now. Except losing Kairi again maybe but who cares.

**Sora:** Well _you’re_ an idiot. Sooner or later, the Heartless’ll devour your heart and you’ll become a Heartless yourself! I’ve seen so many Disney villains fall time and time again, and I don’t want to see it happen to you too, Riku!

**Riku:** Not happening, my heart’s too strong for that to be a problem.

**Sora:** That’s exactly what Jafar thought, and I ended up kicking his ass no problem!

**Riku:** Yeah that’s nice, check _this_ shit out!

**Sora’s shadow:** Hey, remember that whole thing about the shadows becoming separated from the body and having minds of their own? THAT’S WHAT’S HAPPENING NOW!

**Sora:** …Okay, that’s kind of badass, I’ll admit.

**Riku:** If you want to see the dog and the duck, they’re down below.

**Sora:** Well thank you very muUUUCH! *falls through trapdoor*

**Riku:** *turns to Captain Hook* Let’s start moving already. And keep Sora away from Kairi until we’re ready to land. I’m still mad at him and I don’t want him near the one person he’s been trying to reach all game. Also let’s never use that trapdoor again. *walks off*

**Captain Hook:** Hmph! Just because Maleficent put him in charge, he thinks he can order everyone around!

**Smee:** Uh-huh. So what’re you gonna do about it, Captain?

**Captain Hook:** Absolutely nothing!

**Smee:** …I don’t think that’s a good idea.

**Captain Hook:** What’re you talking about, it’s brilliant! The ship is infested with Heartless, right? Let _them_ keep an eye on the intruders and murder them should they try to escape!

**Smee:** Dude, did you forget Peter Pan’s down there as we—

**Captain Hook:** Shut up! Did you hear that, Smee? That…That _horrific_ sound!

**Smee:** …Captain, have you been eating the Blue Truffles again?

**Captain Hook:** Maybe, but I need to make sure that I just imagined it. Oh, my poor nerves…

**Smee:** We talkin’ bout the Crocodile, ‘cause I’m pretty sure Rumple would’ve been mentioned by now if he was in this—

**Captain Hook:** THE ACTUAL ANIMAL, DUMBFUCK. From land to land, from sea to sea, he follows the ship, licking his lips for the rest of me!

**Smee:** Well in a way, it’s a sort of compliment!

**Captain Hook:** WELL I WANT NO SUCH COMPLIMENTS!

**Smee:** …I’ve just had an apostrophe.

**Captain Hook:** I think you mean an epiphany.

**Smee:** Lightning…has just struck my brain.

**Captain Hook:** Well that must hurt.

**Smee:** HOW ‘BOUT WE JUST KILL THE FUCKING THING WITH A CANNON BLAST OR SOMETHING AND HAVE DONE WITH IT.

**Captain Hook:** Well now you’re just being silly.

**Smee:** _AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!_

~Seriously, why did they never just kill that thing.~

**Goofy:** Why am I on the floor like this and why is your face at a weird angle?

**Sora:** Yeah, it was definitely Kairi! She may be in a coma, but at least I finally found her! I’ll figure out a way to cure her after I get her away from Riku, I don’t trust him with her right now.

**Goofy:** Good for you, sport! Let’s go up and save her!

**Sora:** Awesome!

**Donald:** I’m down! However, there is one small thing we have to do first.

**Goofy:** What’s that, Donald?

**Donald:** Well, Sora has to get off of you so you can get off of me. I can’t feel my legs right now.

**Sora:** Whoopsidoodle.

~Why they had to get off each other offscreen will remain forever a mystery…That came out wrong…~

**Sora:** There’s an opening in this door, let me peek through it real quick…

**Peter Pan:** How did none of you notice I was in here with you? ‘Cause maybe I can help you find a way out! *jumps up and lands in front of them*

**Sora:** Well we didn’t see you because you were hiding behind a barrel for some reason.

**Peter Pan:** Good point.

**Goofy:** Who’re you?

**Peter Pan:** I’m the answer to your prayers!

**Donald:** YOU’RE HERE TO TELL US THAT POTTERMORE FINALLY GAVE US SIRIUS BLACK’S BIOGRAPHY?!

**Peter Pan:** …No?

**Donald:** Then no you’re not.

**Peter Pan:** Oh. Well fine, I’ll escape without you then.

**Sora:** Dude, I got a key that can open anything, I don’t really need you. And if you really wanted to leave, wouldn’t you have left already?

**Peter Pan:** Nope! I’m just waiting for someone!

**Sora:** Someone who’s gonna break you out?

**Peter Pan:** Shut your butt.

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles around Sora*

**Peter Pan:** Tinker Bell, what took you so long?

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles some more*

**Peter Pan:** Great job! Didja find Wendy?

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles in a different way*

**Peter Pan:** There’s _another_ girl in Neverland that isn’t Wendy or Tiger Lily?

**Sora:** This significant camera close up must mean I’m thinking about…Selphie, that’s it!

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles angrily*

**Peter Pan:** Why would I ever leave Wendy behind? Why would you even suggest that I leave Wendy behind?!

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles, frustrated*

**Peter Pan:** Ahahahahaha!

**Sora:** What?

**Peter Pan:** She said “You silly ass!”

**Sora:** *snorts*

**Donald:** Jealous, much?

**Tinker Bell:** *kicks him in his bill*

**Sora:** I like her!

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles happily at him before flying through the slot in the door*

**Peter Pan:** Come on, Tink! Open the door for us!

**Sora:** Why am I insisting you take us with you, _I have a magic key that can open anything._

**Peter Pan:** Name’s Peter Pan. I’m supposed to be a small child person forever, but my height and voice suggests that I’m older than you. So really I’m a teenager forever.

**Sora:** Nice to meet you, Peter Pan, I’m Sora. *holds out his hand to shake*

**Peter Pan:** *jerks away* You mustn’t touch me!

**Sora:** Why?

**Peter Pan:** No one has ever touched me!

**Sora:** Why not?

**Peter Pan:** …I don’t know.

**Sora:** …

**Peter Pan:** And in any case, we’re only gonna team up till we find Wendy, then I really couldn’t care less about what happens to you.

**Donald:** And here we go again…

**Sora:** Donald, where are you going?

**Donald:** To whatever pocket universe I usually wait around in whenever I’m not in the party.

**Sora:** Why would you go there? You’re coming with us this time.

**Donald:** …I am?

**Sora:** Yeah, I really only hung out with all those other guys because they were the epitome of all that was awesome. But this guy wouldn’t even shake my hand and seems like an all-around douchebag. Not a fan.

**Donald:** AWESOME.

**Sora:** Also I hate his movie worse than Pinocchio’s. Which is why there’ll only be Hook and Cathy Rigby references instead of the usual Disney ones.

**Donald:** FINE BY ME, I LOVE THIS WORLD!

**Sora:** *smiles* I thought you might. *leads the way out the door* FUCKING SHADOW.

**Goofy:** Yeah, but these awesome pirate Heartless are pretty sick, though.

**Sora:** You’re not wrong. *meanders through the ship, falls through a hole into the freezer* JESUS CHRIST THIS AREA HAS SO MANY HEARTLESS. *climbs the other ladder in the freezer*

**Peter Pan:** And I’m back for the cutscene!

**Sora:** That’s nice for you.

**Peter Pan:** Aren’t you gonna ask me why I’m flying?

**Sora:** I figured it would come up eventually so I decided to not really care.

**Peter Pan:** Oh…

**Goofy:** So how come you can fly?

**Sora:** See? There we go!

**Peter Pan:** Why it’s so easy, a caveman can do it!

**Random caveman:** CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!

**Peter Pan:** Oh not this shit again. So you wanna try or what? *whistles for Tinker Bell*

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles, annoyed*

**Peter Pan:** Aw, haven’t you gotten over yourself yet, Tink?

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles, frustrated*

**Peter Pan:** Ahahahahaha! *turns to the others* She said “You silly ass” again. *grabs her wings and sprinkles her over Sora, Donald, and Goofy* Just a little bit of pixie dust…There, now you can fly!

**Donald:** *flaps wings and falls on his face*

**Tinker Bell:** *laughs her ass off at his misfortune*

**Sora:** Why can’t we replace Donald with her, she’s a _way_ better character than Pan!

**Peter Pan:** …Why couldn’t you fly already, you’re a fucking bird.

**Sora:** I’ve been asking myself this since I met the guy.

~Maybe it’s the clothes, maybe the sleeves impede his movement. Which begs the question of why he wears clothes, it’s not like they’re actually covering his horrible duck penis.~

**Captain Hook:** So Wendy’s not one of the chosen ones? Then what’s this level even for?

**Riku:** I needed a boat and I had to check.

**Captain Hook:** Boat? I see no boat here! Do you?

**Riku:** Ugh. I mean ship, obviously. I don’t see the difference anyway.

**Captain Hook:** Ah, it’s a very simple one, Riku. A ship can carry a boat, but a boat cannot carry a ship.

**Riku:** Why, then everything is a ship, large and small, but for my toy boat. The one I take into the bath with me.

**Captain Hook:** *laughs* That’s a clever way of seeing it.

**Riku:** But yeah, there are seven total, supposedly, and Maleficent says she’s not one of them. Maybe they have to be an actual Disney princess, but that doesn’t explain why Alice is one and Ariel isn’t, it’s all very confusing. *turns away* Hoist anchor as soon as possible, and get rid of all the people we don’t need, including Sora, his loser friends, whoever that kid is that you’re so obsessed with (which is really creepy, by the way), and Wendy as well.

**Captain Hook:** But it took forever to capture her! Can’t we at least try to make her our mother or something? And why those specific seven? At least Ariel tried to do something, as did Alice, Belle, and Jasmine, quite frankly, why are they included with all the mostly helpless ones? What, specifically, is the criteria? Also do you know what Maleficent’s ultimate evil plans are, I’m genuinely curious and may or may not want in.

**Riku:** Don’t know, don’t care, just in it for a way to revive Kairi.

**Captain Hook:** Did you try a Phoenix Down?

**Riku:** A what now?

**Captain Hook:** Doesn’t matter, it probably won’t work anyway considering the Heartless have devoured that girl’s heart. Why her body’s still here and why she didn’t turn into a Heartless herself is anyone’s guess, but I guess she’s just that special in a way we can’t perceive that probably won’t come up soon in any way, shape, or form. I’d bet me other hand that she’ll never be revived.

**Riku:** Guess we better keep playing the game, then.

**Smee:** Captain? Apparently we have an intercom system?

**Captain Hook:** Basically. What are you doing?

**Smee:** Something.

**Captain Hook:** Oh shut up.

**Smee:** So anyway, the prisoners have escaped, Peter Pan included. I may have made an oopsie.

**Riku:** …Maybe I shouldn’t have _locked_ away the guy with a Key that can unlock everything and anything…

**Captain Hook:** This is all Peter Pan’s fault! All right, then! Bring the hostage to me cabin, Smee! And by me cabin I mean some room somewhere.

**Smee:** Sir yes sir!

~That was supposed to be a really serious cutscene between Riku and Hook, yet all I could focus on is a treasure box in the background.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or you'll have to choose between Donald and Peter Pan as to who will follow you around for all eternity.** _


	24. Hey, Can You Beat Up This National Monument For Me? Thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **All Of The Things That I Don't Own:** _Blackadder,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Naruto, Harry Potter, The Avengers, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Firefly, Legend of Korra,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, A Very Potter Musical, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~…Were they in the same hallway as before or did they go into a room offscreen?~

**Peter Pan:** What is it, Tink?

**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles excitedly near grate in ceiling*

**Wendy:** I know that voice! Hey Pete, ‘sup brah?

**Peter Pan:** Hey, Wendy! How you been?

**Wendy:** Eh, you know, terrified about what the pirates currently on their way to drag me off are gonna do to me, nothin’ special.

**Peter Pan:** They won’t be able to do anything, Imma grab ya before they can!

**Wendy:** Sweetness.

**Sora:** Uh, Wendy, right? Is there, uh, is there another girl in there with you?

**Wendy:** What, the escaped coma patient? Yeah, she hasn’t really moved much, but yeah. Oh wait, her hand just moved slightly!

**Kairi’s hand:** *just moved slightly*

**Sora:** Kairi! *raises his own hand* I can see up your skirt!

**Wendy:** *gets up and tries to shove aside the massive chest of drawers blocking the door; you know, _the one that leads outside to a hallway full of pirate heartless_ *

**Sora:** *still reaching up to Kairi for some reason*

**Kairi’s fingers:** Wait, is that my heart down there? *twitch slightly*

**Sora:** HURRAH!

**Kairi’s foot:** *gets dragged away by a loud bang*

**Sora:** Hurroo. And now all I can focus on is this chest right the fuck in front of me.

**Peter Pan:** Who cares about chests, we need to get to Wendy! Oh, and your friend too, I guess.

**Sora:** Sure, whatever. *grabs Meteor-G from chest, then hops up one of the holes in the ceiling to a room with a save point and a Green Trinity* Well if that isn’t the most blatantly obvious case of Switch Out Your Characters Now I’ve ever seen in a video game where you can do that…Oh right, you’re already here, so I guess I don’t have to do that then.

**Donald:** You said it! *waits for Sora to get on Goofy so he can get on Sora. That sounds so wrong* Hey, there’s a trapdoor with a ladder up here!

**Sora:** Nice. *climbs ladder after a really long time of trying to figure out which way he should move the fucking control stick* Friggin’ fixed camera angles…Oooh, the captain’s cabin!

**Riku:** *is carrying Kairi*

**Sora:** Riku, wait! Let me just talk to her at least!

**Riku:** I don’t wanna. *leaves*

**Goofy:** Cockblocked again, huh?

**Sora:** I can fucking cockblock his cock before his cock blocks _my_ cock!

**Donald:** With my cock!

**Sora:** Yep!

**Sora’s Shadow:** *erupts from floor as Riku and Kairi fuck off* MINI-BOSS FIGHT TIEM!

**Sora:** Oh shadow, what’s the matter with you?!

**Goofy:** Why does Shadow You have more health than Real You?

**Sora:** That’s a very good question.

**Sora’s Shadow:** KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!

**Sora:** I can easily tell which is which by how much health you have.

**Sora’s Shadow:** Well poop. *is eventually defeated* I’M MELTING, _MEEEEELTIIIING! OHHH WHAT A WOOORLD!_

**Sora:** *obtains Raven’s Claw* Ha.

**Donald:** …Oh I get it.

**Goofy:** I don’t get it.

**Donald:** It’s like Ravenclaw.

**Goofy:** Oh, it’s a Harry Potter reference! I get it! I understood that reference!

**Sora:** Finally, can open this fucking chest…DALMATIANS 88, 89, AND 90 BOO-YAH.

**Donald:** How many Dalmatians do we even have by this point?

**Sora:** I have no idea.

**Jiminy:** Well you can always look at my journal to see if—

**Sora:** I WONDER WHERE THIS OTHER TRAPDOOR LEADS. *opens other trapdoor in floor*

**Peter Pan:** I am back again now!

**Sora:** Oh joy.

**Peter Pan:** WENDY!

**Wendy:** Oh, hello, Peter. I seem to be unconscious.

**Tinker Bell:** *is annoyed*

**Peter Pan:** Oh would you cool it already!

**Tinker Bell:** *is hopeful that a young girl might be dead. Truly she deserves to be one of the major Disney icons*

**Peter Pan:** Welp, this is as far as I go. I’ll help my lady friend, you go after yours. *flies off*

**Sora:** Fine with me, you weren’t doing anything anyway. *opens chest* _Another_ Protera Chain? I have like fifteen of these!

**Goofy:** So why aren’t you selling any of them?

**Sora:** …I don’t know. *fights his way back to the Captian’s Cabin so he can go out to the deck of the ship*

**Captain Hook:** So I’m just here, I guess. And that Riku is quite a douchenozzle. Just up and pissed off with that other girl without so much as a by-your-leave.

**Sora:** Where did he go? Tell me!

**Yami Yugi:** Tell me!

**Captain Hook:** To Hollow Bastion, Maleficent’s home base.

**Sora:** Is that the name of the Sleeping Beauty world, then?

**Captain Hook:** No, you won’t see that for several more games. In fact, technically you won’t see it at all, at least not as of yet. And you won’t be going to this particular area, either.

**Tinker Bell:** *is trapped in a glass thingy*

**Sora:** Le gasp!

**Captain Hook:** Do you really intend to just run off when someone you care about vaguely maybe I’m actually not all that sure is in danger?

**Sora:** …Gorram it…

**Pirate Heartless:** *instantly surround Sora*

**Captain Hook:** Hand over the Keyblade and no one gets hurt. I’m a nice guy like that. Unlike the Heartless. Who are under my control I think maybe so I can command them to be merciful if I feel like it I think I don’t really know how this works. So you gonna hand over the Keyblade or do I have to make you walk the plank?

**Crocodile:** I is here now.

**Captain Hook:** I AM PANICKING! HE’S AFTER ME OTHER HAND! PROTECT ME, SMEE!

**Smee:** I’ll save you, Captain! *stands there holding Tinker Bell’s cage and does nothing*

**Captain Hook:** Smee, do the thing!

**Sora:** …I guess I don’t even have the option to hand over the Keyblade anymore? Fine, whatever. *starts to go along the plank*

**Crocodile:** Imma nom your face.

**Peter Pan:** Sora, do the thing!

**Sora:** What thing?

**Peter Pan:** The flying thing!

**Sora:** You never really went over how to actually do the flying thing.

**Peter Pan:** Just believe you can and you will!

**Sora:** …Nothing about thinking lovely, wonderful thoughts? Any happy little thought?

**Peter Pan:** Why would you need to do that?

**Sora:** …Fuck it. *jumps off*

**Crocodile:** YAY NOMS—Hey!

**Sora:** No noms for you! *flies up above the ship* YAY, I CAN FLY ANYWHERE I WANT TO NOW! THIS IS SO AMAZI— _ **DAMN YOU INVISIBLE WALLS!** ___

__**Peter Pan:** *swipes Tinker Bell’s cage and releases her*_ _

__**Sora:** Wow, you actually helped out!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** I’d never leave you behind, Tink!_ _

__**Sora:** …_ _

__**Smee:** *pisses right off*_ _

__**Cure:** *is upgraded to Cura*_ _

__**Sora:** _Finally,_ been waiting for this!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** So you wanna include me in the party now, right?_ _

__**Sora:** Come on, Donald, Goofy, we got this!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Aw…_ _

__**Sora:** So flying controls are the same as swimming controls. Another thoroughly enjoyable level, here I come! *jumps into the air and flies around at will* WHY CAN’T I DO THIS IN EVERY WORLD WHY IS GLIDING SO LAME. *kills all the Heartless in mid-air*_ _

__**Certain awesome pirate Heartless:** We now have wings and can fucking fly._ _

__**Sora:** Hey, me too! *murders them all*_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Down here! *is standing over by the door to Captain Hook’s cabin*_ _

__**Sora:** *flies down and stands beside him*_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Shh! *knocks*_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Is that you, Smee?_ _

__**Peter Pan:** *in a really deep, scary voice* Nope!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Who are you, stranger? Speak!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** I am Jas Hook, captain of the Jolly Roger!_ _

__**Captain:** Well if you _are_ Hook, come tell me. Who am _I?__ _

__**Peter Pan:** A codfish! A stinkiiiing codfish!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** A stinking codfish?!_ _

__**Smee:** *aside to one of the new Heartless that showed up for the boss fight* Have we been captained all this time by a stinking codfish?_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Oh shut up. *talking to Pan again* Have you another name?_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Aye-aye!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Vegetable?_ _

__**Peter Pan:** No._ _

__**Captain Hook:** Mineral._ _

__**Peter Pan:** No!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Animal!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Yes!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Man!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** _Never!__ _

__**Captain Hook:** _BOY!__ _

__**Peter Pan:** _Yes!__ _

__**Captain Hook:** _ORDINARY BOY.__ _

__**Peter Pan:** No!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Wonderful boy?_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Yes!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Are you in England._ _

__**Peter Pan:** No._ _

__**Captain Hook:** Are you _here?__ _

__**Peter Pan:** Yes._ _

__**Captain Hook:** …Smee, you ask him some questions!_ _

__**Smee:** Animal, vegetable, mineral—_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Smee!_ _

__**Smee:** I can’t think of a thing, Captain!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Can’t guess, can’t guess, do you give up?_ _

__**Captain Hook and Smee:** Yes._ _

__**Peter Pan:** All of you?_ _

__**Captain Hook, Smee, and the Heartless:** YES!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Well then, I am *abruptly switches back to normal voice* PETER PAN!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** _Pan!_ *comes running out onto the deck* No words of mine could express me utter contempt for you!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** *stabs him in the butt*_ _

__**Captain Hook:** …Pretty sure that’s sexual harassment. I am gonna sue the crap out of you._ _

__**Peter Pan:** Not before I make you walk the plank!_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Proud and impudent youth. Prepare to meet thy doom._ _

__**Peter Pan:** Dark and sinister man. Have at me!_ _

__**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *start fighting him*_ _

__**Peter Pan:** …This would be so much more dramatic if I were fighting with them…_ _

__**Sora:** *ignores surrounding Heartless and goes right for Hook*_ _

__**Captain Hook:** Oh stop that! *shoots pistol into the air* You nauseating collection of SHEEP POO!_ _

__**Sora:** *ignores him and continues to beat his ass until he dead*_ _

__**Peter Pan:** And now I show up at the last second to throw Hook into the water or something. Because sure, why not._ _

__**Captain Hook:** Oh this just isn’t my day. *spontaneously learns how to run on water in order to avoid the Crocodile*_ _

__**Sora:** Cool, Ars Arcanum, another move I’ll never use._ _

__**Goofy:** Found Ansem’s Report number Nine!_ _

__**Sora:** Sweetness._ _

__**Goofy:** So remember how Kairi couldn’t wake up? I have a feeling that she really has lost her he—_ _

__**Donald:** Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have._ _

__**Peter Pan:** I don’t even understand what’s going on here, what are we talking about?_ _

__**Sora:** I still…can’t believe it. My best friend is evil and my other best friend’s in a coma. Oh and I flew or something. There’s no way either Riku or Kairi’ll believe that, though._ _

__**Peter Pan:** You can bring her to Neverland sometime! Wendy’s so stressed out taking care of all us kids, it’d be nice to have another mother around to pick up the slack!_ _

__**Sora:** Yeah, I don’t see that happening. Like, ever. But it’s good to know that you can do anything if you believe it hard enough. To keep believing, trying, and enduring until you finally become able. Perhaps that is what makes us ninj—_ _

__**Peter Pan:** NO DON’T SAY THAT WORD ON A PIRATE SHIP WHAT ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!_ _

__**Sora:** I have to find Kairi! I have to wake her up! There’s so much I wanna tell her! I have to tell her about the flying! I have to tell her about fighting pirates! I HAVE TO TELL HER HOW! OLD! SEA! TURTLES! ARE!_ _

__**Tinker Bell:** *flies up to Pan*_ _

__**Peter Pan:** What’s at the clock tower? A secret optional boss fight that can only be fought after most of Hollow Bastion is done? And also the Keyhole of this planet?_ _

__~Apparently you can go between London and Neverland at will; all you need is a jumpcut!~_ _

__**Wendy:** I think I’ve been the most useless female character by far this whole game…Oh thank heavens the men have arrived to take care of things for me!_ _

__**Sora:** So what’s up?_ _

__**Wendy:** You’ll find that girl, Sora. Just don’t give up._ _

__**Sora:** Yeah that’s great, what the hell are we doing here?_ _

__**Wendy:** Thanks to Big Ben here, you can tell the time from anywhere in London, unless of course a giant fucking building is blocking your view. But one of the clocks is off by a few minutes. I do hope it doesn’t confuse too many people. We might be able to fix it ourselves, though. Would you mind physically beating a national monument for me? _Thanks.__ _

__**Sora:** Sometimes I really wonder why I do things… *bashes the minute hand until the clock’s at midnight*_ _

__**Keyhole:** *appears in the blindingly shiny clock face*_ _

__**Sora:** Well that’s pretty cool. *seals the Keyhole*_ _

__~RANDOM FLASHBACK NO JUTSU.~_ _

__**Riku:** Hey, Sora._ _

__**Sora:** Hmm?_ _

__**Riku:** I presumably just ran into Terra less than a year ago, ‘cause now I’m obsessed with getting off this island and travelling or at least moving to some other place that’s not here. We’ll be able to go on actual adventures and not just pretend anything anymore!_ _

__**Sora:** Sounds hype. As long as I’m with my friends, I’m pretty good with anything. That being the case, what can we do that’s fun now?_ _

__**Riku:** What about that red-head girl you found on the beach? I heard she’s living with the mayor now._ _

__**Sora:** I guess we could go visit…but doesn’t she have cooties or something?_ _

__**Riku:** Nah, that’s just Selphie, the new girl probably hasn’t caught them yet, we should make friends with her before she gets them so she won’t act all weird like other girls._ _

__**Sora:** Good idea! THE FACT THAT SHE CAME HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A METEOR SHOWER IS VERY IMPORTANT._ _

__**Riku:** *turns back* That giant Keyhole wasn’t in the door before…I wonder if that Key that one guy made me touch could fit in it…Maybe if _I_ had a Keyblade of my own…_ _

__~GAH that light’s bright…~_ _

__**Riku:** *panting* I’m…sorry, I was…having…a…flashback…_ _

__**Maleficent:** That’s nice for you. Do you have any idea how reckless it was to come here without a vessel, never mind that we go through evil portals of darkness with alarming frequency? Or maybe the girl just dragged you down, who knows. In any case, you need to be aware that relying too heavily on the forces of darkness could cause your heart to be consumed by it._ _

__**Beast:** I am growling._ _

__**Riku:** DAFUQ WAS THAT._ _

__**Maleficent:** Another straggler from a blown-up planet. His heart managed to survive the explosion, though why he didn’t turn into a stone I couldn’t say. We took one of the princesses from his world before it blew up, and he followed her here through sheer force of will, kind of like you just did. But don’t worry about him._ _

__**Riku:** …I wasn’t really, but—_ _

__**Maleficent:** You are far more powerful than he will ever be, no matter how highly Sora levels him up by proxy._ _

__**Riku:** You mean now that I have the power to control the Heartless, I can totally take him?_ _

__**Maleficent:** No, I see something within you, young man. Strength yet untapped, power yet unleashed. Now hold still. It’s your first time so I’ll be gentle. Now relax, as I reach deep inside you and grab hold of your essence._ _

__**Riku:** …I need an adult?_ _

__**Maleficent:** I AM AN ADULT!_ _

__**Riku:** *glows green*_ _

__**Maleficent:** There. I have unlocked your potential._ _

__~Aww, he can control the Heartless. That’s nice for him, that’s a nice power-up. Pity all I can do is _FUCKING FLY!_ ~_ _

__**Wendy:** *is walking along the edge of Big Ben* Peter, are you really going back to Neverland? You are aware that my parents already adopted all the other Lost Boys and even Smee, right? There’s no reason they wouldn’t adopt you as well!_ _

__**Peter Pan:** There’s absolutely no way I’m going to grow up! I want always to be a little boy and have fun! But we can see each other any old time, including when you’re a freaking grandmother, as long as you never forget about Neverland!_ _

__**Wendy:** Sick. *holds Peter Pan’s hand*_ _

__**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles angrily*_ _

__**Donald:** *laughs at her misfortune*_ _

__**Tinker Bell:** *flies around Peter and Wendy before flying around Sora, supposedly indicating a change of loyalty*_ _

__**Peter Pan:** I can never figure out what’s wrong with her. If she wants me to know, why doesn’t she just tell me, I’m not a friggin’ mind reader!_ _

__**Goofy:** She loves ya, Pete! Not like a mother loves a son, like you’ve always thought, but as a mother loves a _father._ And she’s jealous of Wendy because she knows Wendy loves you in a similar fashion, and she’s worried that you might love Wendy like a father loves a mother, especially since she probably has a better chance since she’s human and Tink’s a fairy._ _

__**Peter Pan:** …Ohhhh…Well I’m holding out for Wendy’s granddaughter, so…_ _

__**Tinker Bell:** *twinkles sadly*_ _

__**Peter Pan:** I know…Hey, would you guys mind calling her up every now and again, to keep her company?_ _

__**Tinker Bell:** *floats in front of Sora*_ _

__**Sora:** …She gonna be another Summon I’ll never use?_ _

__**Peter Pan:** Exactly!_ _

__**Sora:** How do I get roped into these situations…_ _

__**Peter Pan:** You also get the Fairy Harp Keychain out of the deal, plus you can’t fly anywhere but here but you can _glide_ now if you want!_ _

__**Sora:** Huh._ _

__**Wendy:** Peter remains with me as long as I remember him._ _

__**Sora:** BOY could I make a joke about Chain of Memories here…_ _

__**Wendy:** You will find Kairi if she remains in your heart._ _

__**Sora:** …Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?_ _

__**Donald:** Oh! Oh! *raises wing*_ _

__**Sora:** Uh, yes, Donald?_ _

__**Donald:** Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is introduced early in the story to return later in a very significant way._ _

__**Sora:** PERFECT. *leaves planet*_ _

__**Donald:** OH THAT’S RIGHT, WE TOTALLY FOUND THE OTHER HALF OF THE GPS-GUMMI!_ _

__**Sora:** Cid’ll fix it when we get back to Traverse Town, so let’s not go back to Traverse Town for a while._ _

__**Chip:** There’s another tournament being held at the Coliseum if you wanna level up for the Riku boss fight._ _

__**Sora:** BOY DO I._ _

__**Goofy:** Come on, he’s not _that_ hard—_ _

__**Sora:** He’s That One Boss for me. The very first time I ever went through this game he beat me ten times in a row. And I had a friend over at the time. And in the vanilla version it’s impossible to skip cutscenes. ‘Twas not a fun visit._ _

__**Donald:** So _that’s_ why you overcompensate…_ _

__**Dale:** The winner gets the Metal Chocobo Keyblade._ _

__**Sora:** Oh yeah, we’re doing this._ _

__~BUT FIRST! Gathering all the treasure chests and shit now that we have Glide! Which I’m not gonna do on page. You’re welcome.~_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or, the next time you are tasked with bashing a national monument, there will actually be negative consequences for your actions.** _


	25. Oh No, No More Donald And Goofy, Woe Unto Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Ungodly Long List Of Things I Don't Own:** _Cowboy Bebop,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, PaRappa the Rapper, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Gurren Lagann, Harry Potter, Attack on Titan, The Legend of Zelda, Anchorman, The Book of Mormon,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers,_ Holy Musical B@man, _The Dark Night,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Movie, _Dexter’s Laboratory,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Several items-gathering and half a tournament later…~

**Sora:** *after defeating Cloud by letting him know that no one really cares that his game's getting remade* YEAH I DIDN’T EVEN NEED TO FINISH THE TOURNAMENT TO GET THIS SICK KEYBLADE KEYCHAIN.

**Goofy:** Metal Chocobo? What the fuck is a Chocobo?

**Donald:** I don’t know, but…it sounds like sex!

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** … _Chocobo?!_

**Hercules:** Good going beating those other guys, but you have to fight me now.

**Sora:** YEAH, ONE ON ONE, YOU AND ME, LET’S DO THIS!

**Donald and Goofy:** Wait, what?!

**Sora:** Don’t worry, guys, I got this!

**Donald:** Suuuure you do…

**Goofy:** See you when you’re defeated!

**Hercules:** I’m not gonna go easy on you! Aside from the fact that I’m providing barrels so that you can throw them at me to get me out of god-mode so I’m no longer invincible so you can beat my ass!

**Sora:** Good… _Goooood_ … *goes through with this strategy*

**Hercules:** ...Maybe the barrels were a bad idea… *is defeated*

**Sora:** YEAH I DID A THING!

**Donald and Goofy:** We helped during the first parts!

**Sora:** Yeah but I beat motherfucking _Heracles,_ you guys!

**Donald and Goofy:** Oy vey.

**Hercules:** Wow! And I didn’t even hold back besides blatantly holding back!

**Sora:** Now I finally know what you mean about strength of heart even though I blatantly told you when we first came here. My heart’s stronger whenever I’m around Donald and Goofy; despite all the times I put them down all game, they really are half-way decent back-up when the AI makes them cooperate.

**Phil:** You’re in love with a duck and a dog?!

**Sora:** Jesus, we’re just friends, you sick little monkey. But if we stick together, we’re unbeatable. Not even Heracles over there stands a chance. Which is why I fought him on my own and which is why I’ll have several solo fights throughout the rest of the game, and indeed several entire games where I fight on my own, completely undermining this message! With my new friends beside me, I’ll be ready for anything! Which is why I’m forever gonna switch Donald out with Beast as soon as we get to the next world!

**Donald:** And Beast is awesome, so I ain’t even mad!

**Phil:** For some reason I don’t actually believe that this is the message you should be taking even though it is, in fact, the correct message to take from a game like this and from a movie like ours—

**Hercules:** Of _course_ your friends give you strength! *picks up Phil* Quit fucking with the usual Friendship is Power shit that’s actually supposed to be the true message of everything in the universe, you moron. *puts him down again* The three of you really are great heroes, even if the duck one’s unconscious half the time and almost never gives you Ethers in time even though he’s barely used any magic himself and is just hoarding them selfishly. Still, he does _occasionally_ remember to heal you, so I’m sure that as a team, you’ll be able to do anything! Even save the entire universe if you ever get the chance! *high-fives Sora*

**Sora:** AUGH MY HAND.

**Chest on pedestal:** *opens, revealing Olympia Keyblade Keychain*

**Sora:** Okay, which one’s better…

**Goofy:** *equips Herc’s Shield that he’d gotten from Sora winning the tournament*

**Yellow Trinity:** *is learned*

**Sora:** SICK. I’ll lock this planet in a sec, hang on…Damn, Fairy Harp would actually have been super useful, I could’ve totally used that this whole time, whoops…Olympia’s actually way better than the Metal Chocobo, I’ll use that for now. *looks at that massive block that’s been sitting in the thing this entire game* …We never thought to ask Heracles to move this while he was here? EVERYTHING WOULD’VE BEEN SO MUCH EASIER.

**Hercules:** It was revealed in the manga that I couldn’t, actually.

**Sora:** …So it can only be moved with the power of friendship?

**Hercules:** Seems that way.

**Sora:** That’s probably the dumbest friendship power I’ve seen yet from this series that revolves around friendship.

**Hercules:** Seems that way.

**Sora:** *activates Yellow Trinity, which makes him and Goofy actually push the thing while Donald has his hands firmly on their asses*

**Keyhole:** *is revealed in the floor*

**Sora:** *locks it* YAY I DID A THING.

**Hercules:** *outside* Phil wasn’t happy that I lost to you. Said I was getting soft. You may have beaten me once, but good luck beating me again.

**Sora:** Okay. *plays through the Hercules Cup on Solo*

**Hercules:** *nursing bruised ribs* …Zeus damn it…

**Sora:** Yeah, we’re sticking around till either we beat the time limit or we get up to level sixty, whichever comes first.

**Donald:** Yeah, that should take no time at all, considering you’re now past level fifty and as such you’re leveling up super slowly now.

**Sora:** …Shut up.

**Donald:** I advise you, as kind of sort of your friend, that you should not attempt this.

**Sora:** No shut up, though.

~In Neverland, you can use the Yellow Trinity to get into a room that has an Aero upgrade. An upgrade for an attack that uses _air,_ hidden inside a _chest._ HOW.~

**Goofy:** Now that we’re done leveling up and backtracking for pointless shit, can we please get on with the damn plot?!

**Sora:** Fine, whatever. *goes back to Traverse Town*

**Cid:** Hey cool, you found the other half of that GPS Gummi or whatever!

**Sora:** Yeah, I wasn’t really paying attention and then suddenly I had it.

**Cid:** Lemme see…Okay, you guys wait here, I’ll go install it free of charge!

**Sora:** The hell do you actually stay in business, it’s not like we’ve bought anything from you.

**Cid:** I…don’t know, actually. But hey, I psychically know you’re going to save my home planet next, so consider this a thank you.

**Sora:** Aww, thanks yourself, man!

**Cid:** Don’t mention it. *walks off like a boss*

**Sora:** And now I have a sad. Apparently I’ve been concealing it this whole time.

**Donald:** DON’T YOU DARE FEEL ANYTHING BUT PURE JOY AND HAPPINESS.

**Goofy:** What Donald said. Push all those bad feelings down so that you only _appear_ happy on the outside so that the people around you won’t have to worry about you and go on living _their_ happy lives without feeling bad by proxy!

**Sora:** This sounds like one of the least healthy things I’ve ever heard of.

**Goofy:** It’s Disney, what’d you expect.

**Sora:** How can you possibly even fake being so optimistic? We haven’t seen any sign of King Mickey throughout this entire game thus far! Aren’t you worried about him?

**Donald:** Aw, phooey. I don’t care whether he lives or dies!

**Sora:** …

**Goofy:** The King told us to go out and find the Key bearer, and we broke your spine! So as long as we’re together and there isn’t a contrived method of splitting us apart any time in the near future, we should be hunky dory! YA GOTTA BELIEVE!

**Sora:** … *starts singing softly*  
_If I believe in wishes…_  
_As silly as it seems…_  
_I’d find that hidden cave_  
_Turn back the sands of time_  
_And save you_  
_If I believed in dreams…_

**Kairi:** Believe in the me who believes in you.

**Sora:** …I am now suddenly flying toward the light. Did…Did I just drop dead? Or did Donald fireball me in the back or something, wouldn’t put it past him. *is suddenly hovering* What is this, a library?

**Tiny babby Kairi:** *is running towards an old woman*

**Sora:** …The fuck am I? *looks around* The fuck is this? *looks down at tiny babby Kairi* The fuck are you?

**Kairi’s grandmother:** FOCUS ON MY SAGGING TITTIES! _FOCUS ON THEM!_

**Sora:** I am _not _into this…__

__**Kairi’s grandmother:** A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was world peace and everyone lived in the light. Everyone loved the light, even albinos and those who couldn’t look at the light too long without getting blinding headaches. Then people began to fight over it, because they wanted to own chunks of the light, like how people fight over oxygen except they don’t because that’s dumb. And darkness was born in their hearts and not from their fucking shadows or the night if there was any night. The darkness spread, swallowing the light as well as many people’s hearts. It covered everything, and the world they were on exploded. But small fragments of the light still survived, embedded into the hearts of children. Somehow surviving the explosion of their planet, the children used these fragments to rebuild their planet, like how those few surviving children in the first Pokémon movie were able to repopulate the world through the power of their tears or some other bullshit. That planet…is the one we’re living on right now! WHAT A TWIST! But there’s another, even brighter light, still engulfed in darkness. That’s why there isn’t any interplanetary travel these days. But someday, the door to the blackest, darkest of darkness will open, and the true light will be able to return. So, listen, child—_ _

__**Tiny babby Kairi:** I’VE _BEEN_ LISTENING, YOU OLD HAG!_ _

__**Kairi’s grandmother:** Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light._ _

__**Tiny babby Kairi:** BITCH YOU KNOW I DISLIKE THAT ADAPTATION!_ _

__**Kairi’s grandmother:** Believe in the light, and darkness will never defeat you. Your heart will shine with its power, and drive the darkness away. Do you understand, Kairi?_ _

__**Tiny babby Kairi:** …_ _

__**Pastor Nick:** The Grand Architect, and He alone protects us from the Titans’ scourge, in proportion to our worship! Verily, innocence and obedience are all He asks—_ _

__**Church:** *suddenly gets demolished because a Titan sat on it*_ _

__**Tiny babby Kairi:** …Sure, whatever._ _

__**Sora:** Wait, Kairi?! Hang on, what’s with this sudden camera angle…And now I’m floating above the floor again, what the _hell_ is going on here! *stretches out his hand* Kairi!_ _

__**Tiny babby Kairi:** *vanishes in front of him*_ _

__**Sora:** *getting dragged back into the light* _KAAAAAAIIIIIIIIRIIIIIIIII!_ *jerks awake* …What the fuck just happened._ _

__**Goofy:** You okay there, Sora?_ _

__**Sora:** …I think I was just in the body of a little girl._ _

__**Goofy:** …See, this right here is why I’m never involving Max in any of this._ _

__**Sora:** Kairi…Did you call me?_ _

__**Donald:** Okay seriously, are we done with the mushroom crap, ‘cause this shit’s gotta stop._ _

__**Cid:** And I’m back now, hope you guys had a lovely cutscene while I was installing that GPS-Gummi. But, ya know?_ _

__**Sora:** Clearly not, what’re you talking about._ _

__**Cid:** That place is crawling with Heartless. I should know, I fled from there with those Final Fantasy kids. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya._ _

__**Sora:** Question mark?_ _

__**Cid:** It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *gives Sora Transform-G*_ _

__**Sora:** Seriously, what’s the point of having a Gummi _shop_ if you’re constantly giving shit away? *goes into the Gummi Ship*_ _

__**Donald:** FINALLY, CHRIST._ _

__**Goofy:** …We already just backtracked, I’m not gonna tell you to backtrack again._ _

__**Sora:** Thank you, Goofy. *warps to Neverland and starts heading toward the latest planet*_ _

__**Goofy:** …Not too fond of the change in the soundtrack for this Gummi mission. This music is mysterious and foreboding, as if it’s foreboding something mysterious…_ _

__**Sora:** And is anyone else nervous that we seem to be heading right into the swirling vortex of terror?_ _

__**Goofy:** While watching the scenery from the route we just took outright disappear brick by brick?_ _

__**Donald:** It’s _fine._ *lands*_ _

__**Sora:** THE FUCK DID YOU PARK THIS THING WHY ARE WE FALLING ONTO A TINY-ASS ROCK THING IN THE MIDDLE OF A WATERFALL THAT’S FUCKING _RISING.__ _

__**Donald:** Because fuck you, that’s why._ _

__**Goofy:** Gawrsh, look at all the floating platforms and random giant bubbles! Oh, and there’s a castle up there I guess._ _

__**Sora:** *steps forward* I know this place…even if I’m damn skippy that Kairi never saw it from this angle before…_ _

__**Title Card:** Welcome to Hollow Bastion, the most unique level in the game and one of the best completely original worlds this franchise has to offer, which is why we keep shoving most of the Final Fantasy and several Disney characters here because we don’t know what else to do with them._ _

__**Goofy:** It sure is strange…_ _

__**Sora:** Tell me about it, they could’ve at least made one individual Final Fantasy world where each small area is from a different game, like you have Midgar as one area, one of the Gardens in another, maybe a chunk of Alexandria or Spira or Dalmasca somewhere else, and they’re all connected by the endless hallway that is all of FFXIII—_ _

__**Goofy:** No, it’s strange that you think you’ve been here before._ _

__**Sora:** Oh. Yeah, that’s fucked up. Especially since I feel this warmth inside, like I’m finally home or something…_ _

__**Donald:** You’re probably just hungry._ _

__**Sora:** My _heart_ feels warm, you idiot! Though now that you mention it, I don’t think I’ve had anything besides potions and ethers since we started…_ _

__**Beast:** LOUD NOISES!_ _

__**Sora:** I KNOW THAT VOICE. WE NEED TO GET UP THERE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. *changes Olympia to Metal Chocobo because of reasons* Holy balls I am walking on water I am Jesus. And also Moses apparently._ _

__**Goofy:** …There are giant floating bubbles…and when we go into them we disappear and are taken somewhere else. And these random rocks are floating and some of them are moving up and down at convenient intervals. SURE. WHY THE FUCK NOT._ _

__**Sora:** Shut up and jump. *jumps up, grabbing some more Dalmatians along the way* Damn, even out here, huh…Oh hey, it’s that guy!_ _

__**Riku:** No spaceship, no boat, no assistance from the evil powers of darkness…The balls did you wind up here?_ _

____**Beast:** *clutches heart and bursts into song*  
_I beliiiiiieeeeeve that Satan has a hold of you!_  
_I beliiiieeeeve that the lord God has sent me here_  
_And I beliiiiiiieeeeeeve—_

__**Riku:** Okay, I get it._ _

__**Beast:** When our planet blew up, I found out that Belle had been kidnapped mere moments before the explosion. I vowed that I would find her again, no matter the cost. Forget about my servants who are basically my only friends; my significant other is the only one that matters! And since I’m here, she must be here as well. I WILL HAVE HER BACK!_ _

__**Riku:** What about the rest of her?_ _

__**Beast:** FUCK YOU!_ _

__**Riku:** Try to take her if you want, just wait for me to grab some popcorn first, okay?_ _

__**Beast:** *roars and jumps up to swipe at Riku*_ _

__**Riku:** *back-flips out of the way and charges at Beast*_ _

__**Beast:** Okay, that was pretty sick, not gonna lie—OW MY FLESH. *collapses*_ _

__**Sora:** Uncool, man. *walks toward Riku*_ _

__**Donald and Goofy:** *are also suddenly there now*_ _

__**Riku:** So, you’ve finally made it. I’ve hoped and I’ve waited._ _

__**Sora:** And for the first time in your life, you don’t feel so alone?_ _

__**Riku:** Nah, it’s kind of been peaceful without the constant need for this petty rivalry that we’ve always had. You’ve always pushed me to be stronger than someone who’s a year younger than me, and I’ve always pushed you to try and reach at least a fraction of my strength._ _

__**Sora:** Gotta say, not a huge fan of this condescending bullshit._ _

__**Riku:** But that all ends right here, right now. There can’t be more than one wielder of the Keyblade._ _

__**Eraqus, Yen Sid, and Aqua…and Mickey…and Terra and Ventus and Roxas and Xion…and Eraqus and Master Xehanort…and Lea and Kairi:** YES THERE CAN._ _

__**Sora:** What they said. And — wait, you saying there’s _another_ one in this game that’ll show up before the ending cutscenes?_ _

__**Riku:** Let the Keyblade decide who it wants to belong to! *holds out his hand* _ACCIO KEYBLADE!__ _

__**Sora:** NO NOT MY METAL CHOCOBO—_ _

__**Riku:** *is now holding the Kingdom Key*_ _

__**Donald and Goofy:** …The fuck what?_ _

__**Sora:** Oh, you only have the Kingdom Key. *snorts*_ _

__**Riku:** What?_ _

__**Sora:** You have the weakest one. Can you summon my keychains as well?_ _

__**Riku:** …Maybe? _Accio Keychains!__ _

__**Nothing:** *happens*_ _

__**Sora:** Well isn’t that interesting._ _

__**Riku:** …WHO CARES. This just means that Maleficent was right! Only I have what it takes to save Kairi! You had no chance the whole time! Only the Keyblade master can open the secret door and change the world!_ _

__**Sora:** But you haven’t even passed your Mark of Mastery exam yet! You can’t actually be considered a Keyblade _Master_ until you do!_ _

__**Riku:** Uh-huh, and who’s gonna earn that title before you do again?_ _

__**Sora:** …How’d you even get _my_ Keyblade, anyway? _I’m_ the one who fought for the past fifty-something hours with it!_ _

__**Riku:** Hey yeah, thanks for bringing it to me, I unironically appreciate it. But your part in this tale is over. Go back to your home._ _

__**Sora:** I can’t, it exploded._ _

__**Riku:** Oh. Well…Here, you can still marginally fight crap with this. *throws a wooden sword at Sora’s feet*_ _

__**Sora:** …Where were you keeping that?_ _

__**Riku:** Where’ve you been keeping all the healing items and synthesizing crap?_ _

__**Sora:** Touché. *falls to his hands and knees before the sword*_ _

__**Riku:** Aw yeah, son! *struts off like a boss*_ _

__**Donald:** All right, let’s follow him!_ _

__**Goofy:** …Wait, what?_ _

__**Donald:** Our mission is to stay with the Key, remember?_ _

__**Goofy:** Yeah, I know that’s the mission the King gave us and all, but… *looks down at the for-all-intents-and-purposes defeated Sora* It just doesn’t feel right leaving Sora like this. He said while walking away._ _

__**Donald:** *turns back for a few seconds* Good riddance, you giant prick. *leaves with Goofy*_ _

__**Beast:** …Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what’s going on here. *starts limping forward before collapsing*_ _

__**Sora:** *watching his progress before getting up and running over to him* Hey, don’t move. You’re hurt. Here, have one of the _hundreds_ of healing items Donald and Goofy let me keep._ _

__**Beast:** Why…Why did you…you come here…? I came to fight for Belle. *starts to limp forward again* And though I am on my own, I will fight. That is what it means to be Batman. Darkness…Solitude. This is the life that I have chosen. Nay…the life that has chosen _me!__ _

__**Sora:** Oh great, now he thinks he’s Batman…_ _

__**Beast:** I’M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS!_ _

__**Sora:** Oy vey. *looks down at the wooden sword, then runs back and picks it up* …I’d like to fight alongside you, if that’s okay with you. I also have a completely helpless princess to save. And even if Riku finds a way to save her before me, that’s fine, as long as she’s all right. But I at least want to see that she’s okay. I won’t rest until that happens._ _

__**Beast:** Okay, looks like I’m in your party now._ _

__**Sora:** Nothing could make me happier, buddy. *sees a chest on a farther-off platform; goes to try and get it* Huh, I can still fly. And cast magic. Awesome. _And_ I can still open chests without the benefit of my giant Key as well. So basically, aside from not really being able to kill Heartless with the same efficiency, which might well be a good thing considering what happens to the hearts when you destroy Heartless with the Keyblade, this may actually be a good thing. Also distinct lack of Donald and Goofy. Woe unto me._ _

__**Beast:** You really dislike your travelling companions, don’t you?_ _

__**Sora:** I always kind of liked Goofy, but Donald was actually starting to grow on me. Before they both abandoned me for a cooler friend._ _

__**Beast:** Oh, well fuck them then._ _

__**Sora:** My sentiments exactly. *get up to where the main entrance is* Okay, so that’s where we have to go, clearly, so let’s go the other way instead._ _

__**Beast:** *growls* If this weren’t actually necessary… *jumps down and kills Darkball Heartless for Sora*_ _

__**Sora:** Thanks, guy. Now, for some reason, these bubbles can transport us to other places. Let’s find out what this can do._ _

__**Beast:** I foresee a series of annoying guesswork puzzles and continuous confusion of which transport bubble goes where._ _

__**Sora:** You’ve played this before, haven’t you. *hits a switch* Look I found a thing that makes the thing go._ _

__**Beast:** *keeps running into a wall while Sora’s releasing the switches or whatever*_ _

__**Sora:** *decides not to comment* I psychically know that the main door to the castle is open, let’s head back up. *heads back up after having Beast kill things and collecting more items he didn’t really need* This is one big fucking door._ _

__**Beast:** Yyyyep._ _

__~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~_ _

__**Jasmine:** I appear to be frozen in carbonite._ _

__**Cinderella:** As do I._ _

__**Aurora:** Me as well._ _

__**Snow White:** And me._ _

__**Alice:** Me too._ _

__**Belle:** Apparently I got kidnapped right at the best part of my movie, considering my outfit._ _

__**Kairi:** …Why am I floating inside an evil floating container of purple darkness?_ _

__**Maleficent:** Because I said so. *struts past her and up the stairs toward the giant keyhole before turning around* O PUREST OF HEARTS! REVEAL TO ME THE KEYHOLE!_ _

__**Belle:** It’s in that giant multicolored void in the giant Heartless insignia-shaped hole in the wall up the stairs._ _

__**Jasmine, Cinderella, Aurora, Snow White, and Alice:** What she said._ _

__**Maleficent:** AH-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!_ _

__~Oh good, we’re all doomed now. Good to know.~_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> __  
> **Review or you'll have to hang out with Donald and Goofy even more instead of hanging out with a cool guy like Beast.**  
> 


	26. ...Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Holy Crap I Don't Own A Damn Thing Do I:** _Farscape,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Silent Hill, A Song of Ice and Fire, Naruto, The Lord of the Rings, Firefly, Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Doctor Who, How To Train Your Dragon, Airplane!,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~FINALLY GONNA GET MAH KEYBLADE BACK, AW YEAH.~

**Sora:** This is a pretty sick castle, not gonna lie.

**Beast:** It’s kind of reminiscent of my castle, actually.

**Sora:** Really? Cool, I’d love to check it out sometime.

**Beast:** Well it’s kind of exploded at the moment, maybe in a year or so.

**Sora:** Awesome, can’t wait.

**Beast:** Oh, and more of those creatures are nearby. I can feel it somehow. Y’all ready for this? *gasps and immediately turns around* BELLE?!

**Sora:** The hell did you know she was there, your back was entirely turned to her and she wasn’t making a sound.

**Illusion of Belle:** *disappears, revealing a single Shadow Heartless*

**Beast:** *roars with rage and runs toward the Heartless; the door closes behind him*

**Sora:** Oh good, this’ll be fun for me.

**Riku:** Quit while you still can.

**Donald and Goofy:** Oh, hey Sora.

**Sora:** Hey, guys! Yo Donald, having fun fucking yourself with that horrible duck penis of yours? Unlike most penises I’m actually pretty sure it’s possible for you to do so!

**Donald:** … *grumbles*

**Sora:** And I refuse to leave without Kairi. Frankly, I don’t trust your methods.

**Riku:** *magically changes his yellow sleeveless shirt and blue pants to a purple-and-blue muscle body suit with a tan ass-covering skirt unsurprisingly held together by belts* EVEN IF YOU CHOOSE TO HARNESS THE POWERS OF DARKNESS, YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AS GOOD AS ME.

**Sora:** …Iunno, maybe if the skirt and the bodysuit were both black and the designs and belts were red…OH, and if my hair was black and my eyes were yellow, that’s important—

**Riku:** SILENCE!

**Sora:** No, I _won’t_ be silent! And if I were to succumb to darkness, it might destroy my body, but it can’t touch my heart! My heart will stay with my friends! It’ll _never_ die!

**Riku:** Your friends have _abandoned_ you!

**Sora:** Heracles, Tarzan, Aladdin, Ariel, Jack, and Kairi have all abandoned me? This is the first time I’ve heard that news.

**Riku:** Fuck this. *shoots a ball of darkness at Sora’s face*

**Sora:** Oh shit.

**Ball of darkness:** *slowly creeps toward Sora in slow motion*

**Goofy:** Yeah, this isn’t gonna happen. *blocks ball of darkness with his shield*

**Riku:** You’d go against the wishes of your king?

**Goofy:** Well quite frankly I don’t think King Mickey would want us to follow someone who’s clearly fucking evil; we’re kind of on the side of the good guys. Which is why I’m not gonna abandon Sora, because while he is sometimes kind of a dick, at least he’s not fucking evil. Donald, I do not blame you for wanting to stay the course; you two kind of deserve each other, after all.

**Sora:** Hey, lay off him!

**Donald:** Yeah, what he sai—

**Sora:** Riku’s not useless!

**Donald:** …I’m coming back to your side.

**Sora:** …Why, we put you down all the fucking time with rarely a break. I lightened up on you only in Neverland because of a personal thing with Peter and that’s _it._

**Donald:** I know. And I’m going to prove to you, somehow, in some way, that I’m not fucking useless. *runs back over to Sora and bursts into song*  
 _I don’t know when…_  
 _I don’t know how_  
 _But I know something’s starting right nooooooow_  
 _Watch and you’ll seeeee_  
 _Someday I’ll beeee_  
 _Part of your woooooooooooooooorld!_

**Sora:** *tearing up*

**Goofy:** Aww, look, Donald! He was really moved by that, A-hyuk!

**Sora:** *has blood dripping from his ears*

**Goofy:** …Well that probably isn’t good…

**Riku:** Well that was a nice friendship speech and all — and thank Merlin it’s over, quite frankly — but you still don’t have a weapon.

**Sora:** Yeah I do! I got this dumb sword you gave me, plus I’ve retained the ability to cast all sorts of magic! I don’t even need the Keyblade; I still have all my abilities! I CAN STILL FUCKING FLY, WHAT CAN YOU DO.

**Riku:** …Thought you were gonna say something stupid like how your heart is your weapon or something equally asinine.

**Sora:** …Sure, let’s go with that.

**Riku:** Of course…Your heart is weak as shit! That’s why I’m the Keyblade’s rightful bearer, because my heart is strong!

**Sora:** Sure I have a super-weak heart. I’ll admit to that. But it’s grown stronger with each new experience I’ve undergone and each new friend I’ve made. You’ve only been to a small handful of worlds, I expect, while I’ve gone to each and every one I could find, and made friends along the way.

**Donald:** What about that world hidden in Merlin’s boo—WAK!

**Sora:** *stomps on Donald’s foot* I’ve become a part of every single one of their hearts, just as they’ve all become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then, then we’ll all miraculously share the same giant heart together somehow! And the heart comprised of a dozen other hearts has got to be pretty frelling strong! *squats in Attack Mode*

**Riku:** …Why is my Keyblade disappearing?

**Sora:** METAL CHOCOBO, YOU CAME BACK TO ME! *snuggles it* I wuv you, Metal Chocobo…

**Riku:** YOU FIGHT ME NOW.

**Sora:** Whoa boy, here we go. *fights and defeats him*

**Riku:** You defeating me somehow made my clothes change back.

**Sora:** Good!

**Riku:** RUN AWAAAAY! *runs away*

**Sora:** I should really go after him—

**Beast:** I figured out how doors work!

**Sora:** *immediately turns around* Good for you, buddy!

**Beast:** So, your heart won this battle.

**Sora:** Or my incredible bullshitting skills, one of the two.

**Donald:** Second one.

**Goofy:** Second one.

**Sora:** There you go. HEY WE FINALLY KNOW WHITE TRINITY! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

**Goofy:** That you’d rather backtrack through different planets instead of moving on with the plot?

**Sora:** Why not, I don’t have friends to save!

~And after that they went back down to the Waterway for reasons.~

**Donald:** You’re never gonna get that chest, let it go.

**Sora:** I will not! There’s got to be a way, I just need to get up there somehow!

**Goofy:** Didja try freezing the bubble so you could jump up on it?

**Sora:** …

**Donald:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora and Donald:** BLIZZARA!

**Bubble:** *freezes*

**Sora:** *climbs up and grabs Dark Matter from the chest* …I hate this fucking game.

~Was that chest in the vanilla version as well? HAVE I BEEN IGNORANT OF THIS FOR ELEVEN YEARS?!~

**Sora:** Okay, time to finally move on. *goes inside the castle to where he fought Riku* This place is really pretty opulent. Even this door that clearly needs four pieces of a puzzle to open is opulent, it’s nice. *opens the door to the library* I WANT TO LIVE HERE.

**Goofy:** We can spend a few hours here if you want after we save the universe.

**Sora:** I AM DOWN WITH THAT. Oh hey, a book that’s just lying on the floor. *picks up Khama volume 8* …Great, a book-based puzzle.

**Goofy:** There’s a stack of red books over there, try sticking it in the bookcase.

**Sora:** WHY IS THE BOOKSHELF MOVING.

**Donald:** Because sick moving bookshelves.

**Sora:** Touché. But now the whole thing’s blocked off!

**Goofy:** Well you have to find all the books and put them back in all the right places.

**Sora:** Damn, this is harder than the book puzzle at the beginning of Silent Hill 3.

**Goofy:** What Riddle Difficulty were you on?

**Sora:** Normal, obviously, I’m not a complete idiot.

**Donald:** Says you.

**Sora:** Oh fuck off. Wait…There’s a book series in here called _Theon?!_

**Reek:** No, that’s not my _name,_ you need to know your _name._ My name’s Reek, Reek, it rhymes with freak, you need to know your _name!_

**Donald:** Is it weird that I’m already really impatient for Season Six?

**Goofy:** Is it weird that I’m still really impatient for _Book_ Six?!

**Sora:** It is not. Wait…THAT TABLE’S WHERE I HAD KAIRI’S FLASHBACK!

**Donald:** I don’t understand half the shit that comes out of your mouth these days.

**Sora:** Neither do I, to be honest. Whoa, there’s a bookshelf behind a bookshelf, that shit’s awesome! And now it’s a door. *goes through* Whoooaaah…Crazy electric little dome elevators going every which way on shiny wires…Is this most of what we can expect from this level? ‘Cause this shit’s awesome!

**Donald:** I really appreciate the scenery, this is so cool and not derivative of any preexisting thing that I can immediately point to!

**Goofy:** Well it’s probably derivative of something, but you’re right, I personally cannot think of anything else that does something like this. Well done, designer of this specific level.

**Donald:** Oh! Dude! Don’t forget to cast Gravira on those chests, otherwise there’s really no point to use being in this area right now.

**Sora:** Got it… _Wow_ that scenery’s beautiful…

**Goofy:** No kidding, we could potentially stay here for hours.

**Sora:** Okay, back through the door in the library that I unlocked ages ago.

**Statue:** If you destroy the pots on either side of me, I’ll turn the fountain on downstairs.

**Sora:** …OKAY THEN.

**Donald:** LAST RED TRINITY!

**Goofy:** BOO-YAH! That’s two pieces, two to go.

**Sora:** How do you get the lightning bridges down? Ah fuck it, I’m just gonna glide over. KABLAM!

**Donald:** Sora! I found a stone you’re supposed to cast Thundara on so the platforms’ll go up and down!

**Sora:** …Of course you did.

**Goofy:** Did we get all four?

**Sora:** Yep.

**Goofy:** Sweet.

**Donald:** Why do we have to examine it four times, why not just the once with all four.

**Sora:** Because the games hate us, hence the ice bubbles they never bothered telling us about.

**Donald:** Those dicks.

~SUDDEN CUTSCENE NO JUTSU!~

**Riku:** *running while panting heavily* Why…? Why did it go back to Sora? It was _mine!_ My own…My precious…

**Xehano—I mean Ansem’s heart, yeah:** The heart that is strong and true shall win the Keyblade. This is known, Khaleesi. Also the heart has to be filled with _light,_ generally, but let’s ignore that for now, it'll be retconned soon enough anyway.

**Riku:** …Why is someone’s heart shaped like a guy in a brown cloak surrounded by bright blue smoke?

**Ansem’s heart:** Because this game’s fucking weird, just roll with it.

**Riku:** Fine…Wait, are you saying that my heart’s weaker than Sora’s? That even though I may be physically stronger, he could still beat me because of that?

**Ansem’s heart:** Yes, for that instant. And it passed you over when he first got it. So yeah, there’s that.

**Riku:** Gorram it…

**Ansem’s heart:** However, you can become stronger, not even needing the Keyblade really, if you let me possess you—I mean, if you continue to show no fear when face to face with the darkness, just like you showed no fear on that first night when you apparently stepped through the door to darkness back on your island. Plunge deeper into the darkness, and your heart will grow even stronger.

**Riku:** What should I do?

**Ansem’s heart:** …I just told you to plunge deeper into the darkness, fuckhead.

**Riku:** Yeah, got that, but _how?_

**Ansem’s heart:** By opening yourself to the darkness.

**Riku:** …And _how do I do that?!_

**Ansem’s heart:** Let your entire being become darkness itself.

**Riku:** Then why am I _glowing_ with green _light_ right now?

**Ansem’s heart:** I — Hmm…

~It’s great when I’ve muted the soundtrack so I can listen to a podcast or something and then suddenly I have to pay attention, I’ve _never_ knocked my laptop over in my haste or anything.~

**Sora:** …Why didn’t we go through the door?

**Donald:** I don’t know, I’ve been following you!

**Goofy:** …The fuck are we supposed to describe this in parody form?

**Sora:** I have no earthly clue.

**Donald:** I’ve noticed that sometimes these Wizard Heartless Apparate away and sometimes they are only wafer thin, what’s up with that.

**Goofy:** YEAH DEFENDER SHIELD!

**Donald:** Already? Holy shit, I’m gonna have to wait five-ever for my Wizard Staff, that sucks _ass!_

**Sora:** Look how opulent those stain glass windows are, this whole place is fucking gorgeous!

**Donald:** You’re saying opulent a lot.

**Sora:** Well it’s opulent as shit, what do you want!

**Goofy:** It really is opulent.

**Donald:** That is a _big_ lift.

**Sora:** And it goes across the entire castle. I wish I could just stare at it in first person and not have anything fuck it up.

**Goofy:** What, you don’t want to fight a wave of enemies in the middle of the trip in a tiny space while not being able to escape?

**Sora:** I really don’t! That’s like my one complaint so far, I just wanna look at the pretties!

**Donald:** I like how the magic balls we didn’t bother to pick up are just sliding off it, like they’re not travelling with us.

**Sora:** And how they’re hovering in the sky for no reason.

**Donald:** Right?!

**Goofy:** This place powered by clocks or what?

**Sora:** CLOCKWORK CASTLE, THIS IS THE HYPEST SHIT. Oh hey, last Blue Trinity.

**Donald:** Wanna go back and switch me out with Beast?

**Sora:** …Would you mind?

**Donald:** Not at all, guy, go nuts.

**Sora:** Thank you so much! *jumps down to his death so he can swap out for Beast and then takes him and Goofy all the way back up*

**Beast:** Well that was strangely awesome.

**Sora:** I KNOW THIS PLACE IS SO SICK.

~Would _not_ mind living here.~

**Riku and Ansem…Rikusem:** *walking up to Maleficent* …Why is Kairi just lying on the floor like that?

**Maleficent:** Eh, I got lazy.

**Rikusem:** I see. So we now know where the Keyhole is, and it appears to be the most obvious place in the entire castle, how lovely.

**Maleficent:** Yes, it is the Keyhole to darkness, because this world is just that special of a snowflake apparently.

**Rikusem:** Unlock it, and the Heartless will overrun this world…Sora’s trying desperately to _lock_ it, and we’re trying desperately to _unlock_ it. The fuck kind of state is it in now.

**Maleficent:** Oh who even cares. The darkness holds no power over me! Rather, I will use its power to rule all the worlds! That have been exploded okay what is my plan, seriously.

**Rikusem:** You seem pretty confident there. Like how Jafar was confident before Sora defeated him, and how this boy Riku was confident before I took over his body. You might want to be a little more cautious in the future, is all I’m saying. *summons Keyblade of People’s Hearts*

**Maleficent:** …Is that seriously its name?

**Rikusem:** According to the Wiki. Which I had to look up to find out.

**Maleficent:** Huh. Wait, it’s not working! We can’t yet go through the multicolored miasma to get to the Keyhole! Why not, though? All the Princesses are here! Is it because the little one is just laying on the floor and isn’t yet frozen in carbonite?

**Rikusem:** She’s missing her heart. She won’t be able to release her power without it, meaning in her current state she’s useless to us.

**NOISE!:** *is heard*

**Maleficent:** Crap, those guys again. You guard the Princesses, I got this.

**Rikusem:** DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

**Maleficent:** …Why are you now glowing bright blue? With _light?_

**Rikusem:** BECAUSE OF REASONS! TOILET PAPER!

**Maleficent:** …Yeah, I’m just gonna leave now…

~And now time to take FIVE STEPS FORWARD INTO ANOTHER CUTSCENE WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST DO THE TWO FRELLING CUTSCENES BACK TO BACK FOR FUCK’S SAKE.~

**Sora:** Whew, that was an arduous five steps we just took.

**Donald and Goofy:** You’re telling me!

**Maleficent:** I’m afraid you’re too late!

**Sora:** Too late to save Kairi or too late to snap Riku out of his funk?

**Maleficent:** Not only a little of column A and a little of column B, but any moment now, the final Keyhole will be unsealed.

**Sora:** And remind me what makes this particular world the place with the final Keyhole instead of just any old planetary Keyhole?

**Maleficent:** That’s not important right now, as long as you know that this world will be plunged into darkness because _you_ weren’t able to do anything to stop it. It is unstoppable.

**Sora:** *crosses arms* Impossible. *draws Keyblade* We doin’ this shit? ‘Cause we’re not gonna let you do the evil thing.

**Maleficent:** You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous perverts! Do you really think you can defeat _me?_ Me, the mistress of all evil?

**Missy:** I mean look at me, I’m bananas.

**Maleficent:** *suddenly gets lifted onto a stone platform as the boss music starts and stars hovering around, casting evil spells at you*

**Sora:** *casts Gravira on the platform to bring Maleficent down and then just beats her until she’s dead, occasionally dealing with the Dark Balls she summons but not really*

**Maleficent:** Well poop. *staggers backwards into a glowy purple portal while clutching her chest*

**Donald:** I somehow learned Cheer off-screen!

**Sora:** That’s nice for you. *pockets Ansem’s Report no. 5*

**Goofy:** SUDDEN SAVE POINT.

**Sora:** I WILL SAVE NOW. *saves now* What do you think, we good to go?

**Beast:** I don’t know…Dragon Maleficent is That One Boss for some people…

**Sora:** Maybe, but we’re over-leveled and over-stocked to hell, I think we’ll be fine.

**Beast:** …Okay, let’s do this.

**Goofy:** You sure we should go into the purple portal of obvious evil, though?

**Sora:** NOPE! *goes through the portal*

**Goofy:** Huh boy…

**Maleficent:** Oh…my coccyx…

**Rikusem:** *comes through a different portal* You okay, lady?

**Sora:** Yo, Riku! Back in that kind of dumb outfit again, are you?

**Donald:** And I’m back again somehow. Wait, is that—

**Rikusem:** Why yes, it _is_ a Keyblade.

**Donald:** I was gonna ask if that was your real hair color, but this works too I guess.

**Rikusem:** And, rather unlike yours, _this_ Keyblade holds the power to unlock people’s hearts. Which is why it will only be used twice and then never seen again, and both times will be in very close proximity to each other. IT’S SUCH AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT, JUST CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. *inserts a phallic instrument into a woman*

**Sora:** …Um.

**Maleficent:** Hey! Um…Why is there a purple, black, and red vortex emitting from my chest?

**Rikusem:** OPEN UP YOUR HEART. SURRENDER IT TO THE DARKNESS.

**Maleficent:** I didn’t ask for this!

**Rikusem:** Oh I think you did, you just didn’t know you wanted it.

**Goofy:** …Um.

**Rikusem:** Now, you will be able to become darkness itself! *takes out his weapon and disappears into an evil portal* Wham bam, thank you m’am.

**Maleficent:** *glows green* I AM ORGASMIC WITH POWER!

**Beast:** …Um.

**Maleficent:** THIS IS TRUE DARKNESS! MANIACAL LAUGH, MANIACAL LAUGH! * _glows_ with green flames and turns into a giant black dragon*

**Sora:** NIGHT FURY! I WANNA CUDDLE IT!

**Beast:** NO DON’T CUDDLE IT!

**Goofy:** I’m confused, couldn’t she do that before of her own free will?

**Sora:** I was thinking the same thing, actually.

**Maleficent:** SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME.

**Sora:** Okay. *locks onto her face and bashes it as many times as he can, occasionally casting Thundara and Cura whenever he needs to, which is a lot, until she is defeated*

**Beast:** You know, I’ve noticed that most of your boss fights, when you don’t have some kind of thing to talk about, are kind of over in a few lines of description. What’s up with that.

**Sora:** They’re just fights, dude, there’s not much in “And then I beat them up” to really poke fun at.

**Beast:** Fair enough, I guess…

**Maleficent:** OH I AM SLAIN! *collapses*

**Vines that were surrounding the walls of the room:** *spontaneously combust into green flames*

**Maleficent:** *is now a cloak on the floor*

**Rikusem:** I’m apparently here now. Also I’m laughing so hard at this whole situation, you don’t even know. I guess irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

**Donald:** Dafuq?

**Rikusem:** It’s funny because she thought that she was controlling the Heartless, when really the Heartless were controlling her. I should know considering I’m being possessed by a Heartless right the fuck now. She failed to notice the darkness in her heart eating away at her, even thought I _told_ her to get that looked at. *rubs his foot into the ground, somehow making the cloak disappear* Wanna fight me? Come find me. *steps backward into another portal*

**Goofy:** Well at least we got Fireglow out of the deal.

**Sora:** _I don’t care—_

**Goofy:** It summons Mushu!

**Sora:** Is he voiced by Eddie Murphy?

**Goofy:** I don’t think he’s even voiced in this game.

**Sora:** _Then I don’t care._ But at least we don’t have to come back to this area again.

**Goofy:** Unless you wanna fight Xemnas two or three games early.

**Sora:** OH RIGHT THIS IS THE FINAL MIX VERSION WE CAN DO THAT NOW. But not for a while so let’s just go back through the portal of death. *goes back through the portal of death*

**Beast:** If they don’t want us following them so we can stop their evil plans, why do they let the portals stay up?

**Sora:** I don’t know, I’ll ask Riku when I fight him next.

**Nearby wall behind the save point:** *dissolves*

**Sora:** … *gulps heavily*

**Goofy:** Think you’ll be okay for this next boss fight? Your personal That One Boss?

**Sora:** I…I don’t know. I really have no idea.

**Goofy:** Well, good luck, Sora.

**Donald:** Yeah, good luck, man.

**Beast:** What they said.

**Sora:** …Thanks, guys. *saves repeatedly on like three or four different slots before pressing forward*

~I _need_ to be level fifty-five or higher to beat him, otherwise I don’t go anywhere near that room. Right now I’m fifty-nine. Hopefully that’s e-fucking-nough.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Review or YOU'LL NEVER GET YOUR KEYBLADE BACK AHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! Ahem. I need help.** _


	27. This Part's Actually Really Really Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Oh So Many Things I Do Not Own:** “Bohemian Rhapsody,” _Harry Potter,_ Vision of Escaflowne Abridged, A Very Potter Musical, _The Legend of Korra,_ Linkara, Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Star Trek: Into Darkness,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Monty Python’s Life of Brian,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Hey, it’s all the kidnapped people frozen in carbonite! Let’s just run right past them!~

**Beast:** …Where did I go and why is Donald here now?

**Donald:** Cutscene magic, sorry, guy.

**Goofy:** I seem to have crashed into an invisible wall! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** How did I not crash into it, I wonder.

**Sora:** Why is Kairi just lying on the floor like that? *runs over to her and lifts her half off the ground, trying to shake her awake* Kairi! Please! Open your eyes! Look up to the skies and see!

**Rikusem:** She won’t wake.

**Sora:** Riku! Why are you sitting all the way on top of one of the wall outcroppings?

**Rikusem:** Iunno.

**Sora:** And what do you mean she won’t wake? She’s not…

**Rikusem:** She’s still alive. But only just. She’s lost her heart. She can’t wake up without it. People generally can’t live once the organ that pumps their blood has been extracted, you know, but luckily for us this is a universe run on magic bullshit so she’s just in a coma.

**Sora:** *puts Kairi back down* Hang on a second…Dual voices speaking at the same time…Riku, are you possessed right now?

**Rikusem:** The teenager you knew as Riku is dead.

**Sora:** _NOOOOOOOOOOO!_

**Rikusem:** _Not. Literally._

**Sora:** Ohhhhh.

**Rikusem:** I died when I let the power of darkness—

**Sora:** Are you a ghost?

**Rikusem:** I _symbolically_ died when I let the power of darkness overtake my heart, somehow not becoming a Heartless myself in the process.

**Sora:** Okay…Can you tell me what’s going on here?

**Rikusem:** Sure, why not. The Keyhole cannot be completed so long as the last Princess of Heart is still in a coma. *floats down to the ground, rather Christ-like*

**Sora:** Did we _really_ need the Jesus imagery — Wait, Kairi’s a _princess?!_ I really _was_ trying to save a princess this entire time?!

**Rikusem:** Yep.

**Sora:** …Is she actually royalty or is she like Alice?

**Rikusem:** It’s not a hundred percent clear. All I know is that without her power, the Keyhole will remain incomplete. We gotta wake her ass up.

**Sora:** I _am_ in favor of waking her up, but I’m not entirely in favor of her being used to take over the world. Nor am I in favor of you possessing my best friend, for that matter. Could you, like, Iunno, _stop?_

**Rikusem:** Maybe after you give the Princess back _her_ heart. *points his Keyblade at Sora*

**Sora:** *clutches suddenly glowing chest* … _Ow?!_

**Donald:** Sora? How am I in the area with you?

**Sora:** The balls is going on?

**Rikusem:** Can’t you tell what’s going on yet?

**Sora:** Oh no, I totally get it, I just asked for funsies. *grunts in agony*

**Rikusem:** *struts down the stairs toward Sora* The princess’s heart is responding. It’s been there all along. Kairi’s heart rests within your own!

**Sora:** …So…

**Rikusem:** Yes. You’ve been a temporary Horcrux for most of this game, Sora.

**Sora:** Kairi…Kairi’s inside me right now?

**Rikusem:** Exactly.

**Sora:** I do not remember getting that transplant…Shouldn’t it be the other way around, though? I mean, I’m the one with the dude parts.

**Rikusem:** Pegging. Look it up.

**Sora:** I’m not sure I want to…

**Rikusem:** Or I suppose I could just tell you. After all, I know all that there is to know.

**Sora:** So you’re completely clairvoyant now, right, you can see the past, the present, and the future?

**Rikusem:** Oh yeah.

**Sora:** …Can you tell me how _Lost_ ends?

**Rikusem:** …Sora, there are some things even I can’t predict.

**Sora:** Huh. Oh, can you finally tell me who the shit you are and why you’re possessing Riku?

**Rikusem:** It is I, Xehanort…I mean Xemnas…Terra…Anse—You know what, forget it, I don’t even know anymore. Just know that I seek darkness.

**Donald:** I’ve had enough of this! *charges Rikusem*

**Rikusem:** *chucks Donald aside like a rag doll*

**Sora:** Unironically appreciate the effort, bud!

**Donald:** Thanks, Sora!

**Rikusem:** *ambles up to Sora* I shall release your heart now, Princess. Complete the Keyhole with your power and plunge the universe into everlasting darkness! *moves to strike Sora with a downward swipe*

**Kairi:** SORA, DO THE THING!

**Sora:** *pulls out Metal Chocobo just in time* Never. There’s no way you’re taking Kairi’s heart! I MUST PROTECT THE SMALL, HELPLESS FEMALE IN ORDER TO ASSERT MY MASCULINITY, BECAUSE _I AM A MAYUN!_

**Rikusem:** …Fine, then. One-on-one battle, just you and me.

**Sora:** Fine by me!

**Kairi:** The hell did my body go during this fight.

**Rikusem:** Probably in the frozen carbonite box that was especially made for you.

**Kairi:** Oh, the one where Sora’ll get the Oblivion Keychain later?

**Rikusem:** That’s the one!

**Kairi:** …Sweet?

**Rikusem:** That’s the spirit! *is fighting Sora*

**Sora:** *is fighting Rikusem* WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

**Rikusem:** ‘Cause I’m a hard boss fight.

**Sora:** THE GUIDE SAID YOU’D BE SIMILAR TO THE CAPTAIN HOOK FIGHT. AT LEAST I COULD FLY AWAY FROM MOST OF HIS ATTACKS IN THAT. IN THIS ONE THE FUCKING INVISIBLE WALLS ARE PREVENTING ME FROM ESCAPING AND I CAN JUST BARELY GLIDE AWAY FROM YOU IN TIME.

**Rikusem:** Tragedy, ain’t it? Here it comes!

**Sora:** Thanks for warning me! *manages to deal the final blow, and learns Ragnarok for his troubles*

**Rikusem:** *drops his Keyblade and fades away*

**Sora:** Did…Did my best friend just…die? Did I j-just watch my b-best fr-friend d-die r-right in fr-front of m-me? *lower lip trembles*

**Donald:** Sora! Sora, remember the plot of the game!

**Goofy:** I don’t know how we got over here so fast, but we gotta do something about the Keyhole!

**Sora:** I don’t care about the Keyhole, my best friend disappeared and I just learned that I’m basically the reason that my love interest’s in a coma! *despite this, walks slowly over to the Heartless insignia filled with a multicolored miasma of darkness and evil* Why’s it always gotta be a big fucking dark nebulous miasma. *raises his Keyblade to seal it*

**Goofy:** It’s not working! Somehow I’m taking this to mean that the Keyhole’s not finished yet and not that this isn’t the actual Keyhole! Which it isn’t!

**Sora:** *makes Keyblade disappear again* Well what do you want me to do about it.

**Goofy:** …Wake Kairi up?

**Sora:** …Well at least one good thing might happen today…Except I have no idea how to go about doing such a thing. *looks down at the Keyblade that Rikusem had left behind* A Keyblade that unlocks people’s hearts…and we want to _free_ Kairi’s heart…Hmm… *gets a determined look on his face and walks towards Kairi and the forgotten Keyblade*

**Goofy:** …Sora, what’re you doing?

**Sora:** *stops in front of the other Keyblade and stares down at it for several long seconds before picking it up*

**Goofy:** Sora, you’ll die if you do what I think you’re about to do!

**Donald:** Or at least you’d be unlocking your heart as well, making it fall into darkness somehow or something! Remember what happened with Maleficent?

**Goofy:** Kairi’s heart will be safe because her heart is pure and unblemished and can never be darkened, apparently, but yours can still be corrupted!

**Sora:** *raises Keyblade and turns to Donald and Goofy* I know. And I’ll miss you guys. Even you, Donald, you really grew on me by the end of everything.

**Donald:** *tearing up* DON’T DO IT!

**Sora:** *turns the Keyblade around and stabs himself in the heart*

**Roxas:** I am now a thing that… _doesn’t_ exist? I’m confused.

**Keyblade of People’s Hearts:** *dissolves into the six other princesses’ hearts which float back to their original owners while gorgeous music plays in the background*

**Sora:** *stands in place as a single heart bursts out of his chest, floating up and into Kairi’s body*

**Kairi:** *opens her eyes*

**Sora:** *smiles even as he starts to fall backwards, beginning to dissolve into light*

**Donald:** SORA!

**Kairi:** *starts to get up just in time to see Sora fall* Sora! *gets up and runs over faster than Donald, who’s much closer, and goes to catch Sora*

**Sora:** *dissolves entirely into little yellow bolts of light*

**Kairi:** …Does this mean that I’m the main character now?

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, that sure would be a twist, wouldn’t it?

**Donald:** I don’t like watching people die, it’s really sad.

**Little floating lights:** *eventually face away*

~It’s times like this when I wonder if JK Rowling played Kingdom Hearts at any point.~

**Sora:** *falling through a black abyss* …What’s happening to me? I’m falling…falling…into darkness…Now that I think about it, I can’t really think of any time when the crew of the _Enterprise_ actually went Into Darkness at any point, why the hell was the movie called that, it made no sense…

~This is actually pretty emotional, I enjoy it.~

**Kairi:** …Sora…Are you really…gone? Forever? *shakes her head viciously* No. This isn’t happening! I WON’T LET HIM GO!

**Xehanort’s Heartles—I mean Ansem:** I wonder if you were recast because a lot of your lines make you sound like a spoiled, petulant child.

**Kairi:** Well aren’t you bishounen.

**Ansem:** Welcome to a Tetsuya Nomura-designed game, most of us are. And the Keyhole is now complete. You have served your purpose by being awake and not in a coma at the right time. Conglaturations. Now that it’s over, I see no problem in just taking you out.

**Donald:** Oh no you don’t! I am _not_ losing anyone else today, even if it’s this random girl we just met!

**Goofy:** Yeah! She was important to Sora, so now she’s important to us as well!

**Donald:** Exactly!

**Goofy:** Although I do have a couple of reservations about fighting him, considering Sora was our strongest fighter…

**Donald:** And I’m the weakest, damn, you’re right…

**Ansem:** *stops in his menacing tracks* …What the hell is going on?

**Riku:** *appears as a glowy, transparent hologram-type-thing* I don’t know how you managed to transform my entire body and not just my outfit this time, but I won’t allow you to hurt anyone else with my body any longer!

**Kairi:** Riku? You’re here too?!

**Riku:** You gotta get out of here! The Heartless are coming, and without the Keyblade, Donald and Goofy can still take them out somehow admittedly but you don’t have a weapon! You’re vulnerable!

**Kairi:** Oh look, Heartless!

**Riku:** These are just Shadows, you can outrun these ones!

**Kairi:** What I _should_ do is protest leaving you behind after I’ve just watched Sora die. Instead I’ll just utterly leave you behind, not knowing if you’re okay or not, and leave with these two random people who I know from experience Sora doesn’t overly trust much. I AM SUCH AN APPEALING CHARACTER! *leaves with Donald and Goofy*

**Goofy:** *while running* So what’re we gonna do about the Keyhole?

**Kairi:** I could try using a Keyblade—

**Donald:** You won’t be able to for like another three games and even then you won’t even begin to learn how to use it properly until the 3D epilogue! Just focus on running for now!

**Kairi:** Okay!

**Shadow Heartless:** *watches them leave before jumping down a level*

**Player:** …Why am I suddenly playing a Heartless? Is…Is this Sora? Did Sora’s heart really get devoured by the Heartless and now he’s this chibi little guy?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF THE GAME LIKE THIS actually that’d be pretty interesting, not gonna lie. And it jumps pretty high, too.

**Other six Princesses of Heart:** *all have their hearts back but are all still frozen in carbonite, apparently, and no one did anything to help…WHERE THE FUCK IS BEAST, HE SHOULD BE HELPING BELLE OR SOMETHING*

**Player:** *still dicking around as a Heartless* Heh, this is pretty fun. I’m backtracking and jumping around as an adorable little Shadow Heartless, this really isn’t so bad…

**Shadow Heartless:** *makes its way all the way back to the entrance hall*

**Goofy:** Kairi, stop dawdling!

**Kairi:** We made it all the way from incredibly high up in the castle right down to the entrance, and only now am I feeling guilty about leaving my childhood friends and possible love interests behind!

**Donald:** Look, I don’t want to deal with these facts either, but Sora is for all intents and purposes _dead_ and Riku can barely help being controlled by the antagonist of this game! WE. HAVE. TO. LEAVE.

**Kairi:** …Fine. *starts heading down the stairs*

**Goofy:** OH NO! A SINGLE SHADOW HEARTLESS THAT ALL OF US CAN TAKE OUT WITH ONE HIT BY NOW! WHAT’RE WE GONNA DO, WE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DEFEAT IT!

**Donald:** I’ll take care of it! By _not_ casting Thundara or any other useful spell I know, or even beating it until it vanishes! For some reason!

**Shadow Heartless:** *walks towards them*

**Donald:** I am telling this Heartless to merely get lost. Seriously, why am I not killing you instantly like every other Heartless I’ve encountered, you could be wiped out with a simple Thundara.

**Kairi:** …Sora?

**Sora:** Look at me! I’m a tiny little…evil…thingy!

**Kairi:** Oh, just like in real life!

**Sora:** Ohh…Why d’you gotta go there…

**Goofy:** The hell d’you figure that?

**Kairi:** The shape of his calves is the same.

**Donald:** …

**Goofy:** …

**Heartless!Sora:** …

**Kairi:** …I said it in the manga, shut up.

**Goofy:** Shit, more Shadow Heartless! *runs off with Donald to fight shit*

**Kairi:** *shields Heartless!Sora with her body* This time, I’ll protect you. By dying in your place or something considering I still don’t have a fucking weapon.

**ENEMY Shadow Heartless:** *jump for Kairi all at once*

**Kairi:** NOES POWER OF HUGS PROTECT US! *hugs Heartless!Sora*

**Donald:** Oh shit, Kairi’s getting devoured by darkness now.

**Goofy:** Damn it, Kairi!

**All Heartless:** *suddenly vanish in a sudden burst of light*

**Sora:** *appears, holding Kairi in his arms* …I thought both my Heartless and my Nobody had to be destroyed before I could go back to normal…BUT OKAY THEN! *smiles at Kairi* Kairi, thank you for truly making this a Disney death.

**Kairi:** *beaming* Sora!

**Donald and Goofy:** Sora!

**ENEMY Shadow Heartless:** ‘Sup.

**Sora:** Yo Kairi, watch me be a sick badass.

**Kairi:** Aren’t these guys dangerous?

**Sora:** Pfft, these are cake at this point. You know what's delicious?

**Kairi:** Cake?

**Sora:** It's true.

**Beast:** *shows up* Go, you guys! It’s super dangerous! Save yourselves, I got this!

**Sora:** It’s really not, but fine, I guess. Come with us?

**Beast:** And leave Belle behind?! Fuck you, man, you got your girl, now I have to get mine!

**Kairi:** Hey, quit making us sound like property that only exist for you to save!

**Beast:** Write different plots to over fifty percent of all media in existence.

**Kairi:** I will when they allow more women to write and also when women themselves don’t fall into the same pitfalls of all popular media considering that’s what we were raised on.

**Sora:** Come on, women are allowed to write things now—

**Kairi:** Yes, it is refreshing how they finally allowed a female writer to write an episode of Doctor Who for the _first time_ in _**six years,**_ isn’t it.

**Sora:** …Damn, we gots problems.

**Beast:** You can argue about feminism in the workplace and in media later, for now kindly piss off before even more Heartless get here.

**Sora:** How shall we piss off, O Lord?

~…Could Kairi even fit onto the spaceship?~

**Squall:** Tell me what happened.

**Sora:** As soon as I get over the sudden jump to Traverse Town we involuntarily just made.

**Donald:** Well it is the easiest level we’ve got so logically it would be the safest to bring Kairi.

**Goofy:** Plus we do return here a lot, and it’s got the most friendly faces to not only look out for Kairi but also just be companionship when we’re not there.

**Sora:** That was pretty logical, you two.

**Squall:** So the darkness is flowing out of that one particular Keyhole…

**Sora:** Yes, that is exactly what I apparently just finished describing to you.

**Aerith:** No wonder there are more and more Heartless everywhere. And more powerful ones, too. Ones worth even more experience points than ever. Hint, hint.

**Sora:** So in order to stop them, I just have to seal the Keyhole, right? Standard procedure, just keep doing what I’ve been doing the whole game?

**Squall:** Maybe, but no one knows what’ll happen once the Keyhole is sealed.

**Sora:** The Heartless vanish until I leave and come back, standard fucking procedure. And besides, my friend is still trapped there. I’m not about to just leave him behind.

**Squall:** Oh not this shit again. Look, Riku’s Keyblade was manufactured from the hearts of those other six princesses. Even the Keyhole is made from them, and Kairi’s too.

**Kairi:** HOLY SHIT I’M HERE AND I’M INVOLVED. And…Hold up, I’m a _PRINCESS?!_

**Squall:** Without Kairi’s heart, the Keyhole remained incomplete. Then you go and bring her heart straight to them. Nice Job Breaking It, Hero.

**Sora:** Well excuse me for not wanting to leave my other best friend/possible love interest in a fucking coma!

**Squall:** Shut up, I’m talking. When that other Keyblade was destroyed, the princesses’ hearts should have been freed.

**Sora:** But they were still frozen in carbonite the last time I saw them—

**Squall:** Don’t worry, Sora. If anyone can save your friend, I believe that you can.

**Sora:** …It’s impossible to narrow down your tone, you know that?

**Squall:** Apparently Jasmine doesn’t actually care about Aladdin since she hasn’t gone back to Agrabah yet. The others are still there as well, though whether they’re there by choice is anyone’s guess. *crosses arms* Has the darkness taken them, too, even though they’re beings of pure light so that should be theoretically impossible? Maybe it’s hopeless for normal people to oppose the darkness.

**Sora:** …You’re just a bright ray of sunshine, aren’t you.

**Squall:** Why would any of them want to stay in the castle?

**Sora:** YOU _JUST_ THEORIZED THAT THEY COULDN’T LEAVE—fuck it, Aerith, be the voice of reason here.

**Aerith:** I thought the Keyhole would strengthen the darkness. I mean, it’s already pretty strong, so I thought it would only want to become stronger. But now, it’s almost as though someone’s holding the darkness back. Maybe it’s more than one someone and maybe they can’t leave from where they currently are for that exact reason…We have to close the Keyblade before the darkness overwhelms us. And by we I mean you.

**Sora:** Of course you do.

**Yuffie:** Not sure why — it can’t have anything to do with everyone sensing that the darkness is growing so strong that is just barely being held back — but the Heartless are getting stronger. New types of Heartless are popping up all over the place! And by new I just mean that ones only found in one certain world are showing up in other ones as well, it’s pretty creepy. *smiles* If anything happens to us, I know we can count on you, Sora. No pressure!

**Sora:** …I NEED TO TALK TO SOME KIND OF COMFORTING PRESENCE!

**Kairi:** I _am_ actually here now, you know.

**Sora:** OH YEAH! Sorry, you were absent from the game for so long I kind of forgot.

**Kairi:** Understandable. *frowns* I wonder how Riku’s doing.

**Sora:** Don’t know, but I plan to look for him as soon as possible, don’t worry.

**Kairi:** I won’t. *smiles* Even in your Heartless form, I knew it was you.

**Sora:** Yeah, about that…How do you know the precise shape of my calves?

**Kairi:** *hastily* Strange town, this place, huh?

**Sora:** Yeah, but you get used to it real quick. In fact, you might already be used to it, considering you never really went away from me.

**Kairi:** That’s a good point…Are you feeling okay? If not, you should really speak up.

**Sora:** …I’m mostly fine, it’s just…I remembered that there’s something I need to do before I go after Riku.

**Kairi:** Oh, okay. Good luck with that. I’ll be here if you need me.

**Sora:** Thanks, Kairi.

~Next week: THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! THE HYPEST GAMEPLAY ON AO3!~


	28. Let's Get This Bullshit Over With

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Things I Don't Own:** Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Avatar: The Last Airbender, Harry Potter, Anazons Attack, The Producers, Airplane!, Legend of Korra, Gone with the Wind,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~After a quick pit stop…~

**Goofy:** Can’t believe we found ninety-six puppies already!

**Sora:** I know, only one more set to go and we’re _done!_ And I know exactly where to find them, as well…

**Donald:** So, Sora, now that we’re back in Traverse Town—

**Sora:** No.

**Goofy:** But Sora—

**Sora:** _No._ I don’t even have all the pages yet.

**Donald:** Yes you do, you got that last one when you were gliding around Monstro trying to remember where the fuck the White Trinity was.

**Sora:** …

**Goofy:** So now you can totally—

**Sora:** FUCK IT, FINE. *goes to Merlin’s house*

**Merlin:** Ah, you seem to have collected all the Magic Arts in this game! Here, Goofy, have a shield you’re never going to equip!

**Goofy:** It’s true, I’m not gonna. Hey Donald, think I can sell this to your nephews?

**Donald:** Can’t hurt to try. Sora, are you gonna go do the book thing or—

**Goofy:** He’s already gone in while we were talking, I think he’s just that desperate to get it over and done with.

**Donald:** Oh, good for him.

**Goofy:** I don’t think that’s the term he would use, but sure.

~OOOOH LOOK AT THAT SHIT, I’M SO HYPED! I JUST WANNA TAKE TONS OF DRUGS!~

**Sora:** *is now miniscule* Why do I feel adorable. Hey, I’m walking in the book now I guess. That was weird.

**Picture of logs:** *appears*

**Sora:** As was that. Least I can still fly, dodge roll, and hit things. *goes over to the picture of logs and examines it* Aaaand now I’m in a meadow with only a single log in it. THAT PICTURE LIED TO ME. *walks toward log*

**Pooh:** Think, think. Think, think. *pounding on his head with his not-fist*

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…? *walks forward, already knowing he’s gonna regret this* ‘Sup?

**Pooh:** Not much, just trying to think.

**Sora:** That why steam’s coming out of your ears and your nose is bleeding?

**Pooh:** Indeed. I was thinking of how to say good-bye to Pooh.

**Sora:** …Why would you want to say good-bye to a piece of shit?

**Pooh:** My name isn’t Shit, it’s Pooh!

**Sora:** …So you’re named after a piece of shit. That’s rough, buddy. *sits on the log next to him*

**Pooh:** Yes, I’m Winnie the Pooh, Pooh for short ‘cause Winnie’s a girl’s name I guess. Could’ve just had a different name but whatever.

**Sora:** Maybe Pooh the Bear would’ve been better, yeah.

**Pooh:** So who’re you?

**Sora:** Sora.

**Pooh:** Hello, Sora. Have you come to say good-bye to Pooh, too?

**Sora:** Oh, if only.

**Pooh:** Everyone else has apparently Disapparated.

**Sora:** Can they do that?

**Pooh:** I didn’t think so but I guess I was wrong. We all used to live here in the Hundred Acre Wood, and we’d take walks together, or play Pooh sticks…

**Sora:** I don’t even what to know.

**Pooh:** And every day, I’d eat some honey. Just one small smackeral would taste very good right now.

**Sora:** That’s not a word, and that’s also not a very healthy diet. Maybe balance it out with roots, berries, salmon, and other food bears are actually more well-known for eating.

**Pooh:** I don’t know what those things are. But everyone’s gone. I’m the only one left and I have no source of food.

**Sora:** I hear birds tweeting and you’ve got plenty of plants surrounding you right now. It’s not much but it is edible.

**Pooh:** I think everyone fucked off while I was asleep.

**Sora:** Yeah, I’ve been there.

**Pooh:** So I think I’m next, eventually.

**Sora:** You seem pretty accepting of that.

**Pooh:** I suppose I kind of am. Now all I have to do is figure out how to say good-bye to myself. *clutches head* Think, think, think…

**Sora:** …I’m hanging out with someone dumber than Goofy. Hope Merlin knows some headache curing magic for when I get back.

**Pooh:** My tumbly is getting rather rumbly. *waddles off*

**Sora:** This is gonna be _such_ a joy, I can already tell. *tries to glide away but finds he can’t* WHY CAN’T I GLIDE IN THIS WORLD, JUST ON THE MAP, THAT’S NOT COOL. And I can’t dodge roll either, this place blows! *returns to the map* Hey, there’s a tree with a door that I’m not sure was there before. *goes to check it out* A log and a place to light a fire! IMMA LIGHT IT FOR NO REASON! *lights it for no reason* The hell is Mr. Sanderz, I don't follow the mythos at all. *goes around and sees Pooh through the window* Sigh, looks like I have to talk to him again. *barges inside without ringing the doorbell because I didn’t know you could do that until recently. It doesn’t seem to do anything*

**Pooh:** *examining a honey pot* Damn it, out of food. If only the place where I could get honey was still a thing, I’d be able to eat. Who cares about my friends when there’s food to eat, after all.

**Sora:** *clenches fists* Aaaand now he’s gone. Good riddance, now to loot the place, it’s not like he deserves all these elixirs and high-ethers anyway. Fuck this stupid clock. *exits* HOLY FUCK RANDOM TALKING OWL.

**Owl:** Let me guess: You’d like to know what happens next.

**Sora:** Owls really are the dumbest animals ever.

**Owl:** Unfortunately, some of the pages are missing, so I can’t tell you yet.

**Sora:** …But I totally found all the pages.

**Owl:** The pages are scattered over many worlds. Would you find them for us?

**Sora:** I ALREADY FOUND ALL THE FUCKING PAGES. *leaves in disgust and goes to the next area that is already fucking there* This the honey tree Pooh was talking about? It be huge! Aaaand covered with bees, not a fan of that.

**Batman:** Bees. My god.

**Piglet:** I-Is anyone there? *creeps out of another hollow log, looking terrified* I’m actually worried about all my friends being gone, making me instantly more likeable than Pooh will ever be. Speaking of, where is what I think might be my best friend maybe I’m not sure I’m not too familiar with the mythos? Are you there, Pooh? It’s me, Piglet!

**Sora:** Aww, you’re tiny and adorable.

**Piglet:** And you’re large and terrifying. *immediately runs away and hides in a bush*

**Sora:** …Please don’t tell me I have to chase after a scared little guy like that and try to catch him, that’s just cruel. *does it anyway*

**Piglet:** You’re gonna jump on me!

**Sora:** Huh?

**Piglet:** You’re gonna jump on me! I know you’re gonna jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Poppaea!

**Sora:** Who?

**Piglet:** Poppaea! She was his wife and she was unfaithful to him! So he got mad, and he jumped on her, up and down, up and down, until he squashed her like a bug! Please don’t jump on me!

**Sora:** I’M NOT GONNA JUMP ON YOU!

**Piglet:** AAAAAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAH!

**Sora:** WILL YOU GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU FIND POOH, JESUS.

**Piglet:** You know Jesus?

**Sora:** No, I just know Pooh, sadly.

**Piglet:** See, I found something for him and have to take it to him right away! It’s the only way for him to stay my friend!

**Sora:** Well that’s depressing.

**Piglet:** *turns and sees Pooh coming up the hill* There he is! *runs toward him*

**Pooh:** *staring at the honey tree and drooling*

**Piglet:** Pooh! I was so worried about you! I thought I’d never see you again!

**Pooh:** Oh, that’s nice, I found one of my friends. Now then, what have you brought for me?

**Piglet:** I was apparently hiding this balloon in my ass. You can have it now, though.

**Pooh:** Oh joy of joys! With this I’ll be able to float up and have some honey! I’ll easily be able to float up there with this single balloon!

**Sora:** It takes like twenty seven balloons to lift a cup of coffee! You seem heavier than that, no offense, maybe the weight of a bottle of laundry detergent, which can slowly be lifted up by _ninety_ helium balloons! One single balloon is _not_ going to cut it!

**Pooh:** It’ll be _fine._

**Sora:** *starting to growl* My storeroom of fucks is growing low, and winter is coming.

**Piglet:** …H-How _are_ you gonna fly with just one balloon? You’re holding onto it right now and you’re not flying at all.

**Pooh:** *drop-kicks Piglet* Forgot about the bees. I don’t want to get stung even though I’m made of felt. Oh _Soooraaaa~!_

**Sora:** I have a strong suspicion I’m gonna hate this.

**Pooh:** Chase away the bees while I eat, won’t you?

**Sora:** You’re lucky I need items for things, otherwise I wouldn’t bother with any of this shit.

**Owl:** I’m here now!

**Pooh:** That’s nice for you.

**Owl:** I’ve actually been here the whole time. You always had at least one friend.

**Pooh:** Shut up and tell us how to get food.

**Owl:** …Ungrateful prick…Now then, the honey is in the hollows of the tree, not the beehives dangling from the branches, even though that’s nowhere near how bees work. For the purposes of this game, there is a _lot_ of honey in this holes — oh look, a diadem — so if Pooh floats up here, he’ll be able to eat his fill, even though the bees will want to protect their own food source. Jump from branch to branch and swat the bees that try to go for the balloon instead of the people attacking their habitat. You’ll be able to rush if you fall like a dumbass, but don’t count on it to actually work most of the time. Try it out and don’t fuck it up.

**Sora:** Here’s hoping I’m not allergic, I guess. *does the thing*

**Pooh:** *nomming a disturbing amount of honey* It is rather funny what I would do for honey.

**Sora:** Yeah, like making other people do all your work for you…Oooh, a Naturespark, think that’s Bambi. Not that I’ll ever use him but it is nice to know about. Now what we got here, another house at the base of a tree? Might as well check it out, I guess…A vegetable garden? Intriesting…What’s in this mailbox?

**Letter:** I hope we’ll find more honey together soon! –Pooh.

**Sora:** …Does he ever think of _anything_ else? *goes round the back to see Pooh and Piglet examining a large hole. Get your minds out of the gutter*

**Piglet:** Another of our friend’s house came back, but he’s not actually home. He must be exploring the book trying to meet up with people again too. Pooh’s been calling and calling, but the house says no one’s there.

**Sora:** …

**Pooh:** Nobody’s home?

**House:** That’s right! This house is full of Nobodies! They don’t exist, meaning nobody’s home!

**Sora:** You guys are fucking idiots. *goes through the front door*

**Pooh:** I never really got the whole Nobody plotline. *tries to crawl through the hole* Have any of you Nobodies seen Rabbit?

**House:** THERE ISN’T ANY RABBIT HERE, SO HOW ‘BOUT YOU FUCK OFF.

**Pooh:** Well that’s not very nice! *comes all the way though the hole* Oh! Hello, Rabbit!

**Piglet:** I’m here too! I missed you so much!

**Rabbit:** *looking incredibly resigned* I missed you too, Piglet. And…And you too, Pooh…Now who’s the guy with the overlarge shoes that’s at my front door?

**Sora:** Sorry to barge in like this; my name is—

**Rabbit:** *ignores him entirely* P-Pooh, I’m sorry, but I don’t have any honey at the moment.

**Sora:** Oh I’m sure it’s fine, he had like an entire tree’s worth just a few minutes ago, surely he’ll be fine for a bit—

**Pooh:** I’m hungry. And don’t call me Shirley.

**Sora:** …You’re shitting me.

**Piglet:** We’re still missing some people and quite a few places. It’s really pretty strange what’s happening here.

**Pooh:** Sora, do you smell any honey?

**Sora:** For fuck’s sake, guy…

**Rabbit:** *in an undertone*…Look, I like Pooh as much as the next guy, but…Most if not all of my friends are too much to handle sometimes, and it’s rare that I get a quiet moment to myself. I may be a rabbit, but I’m not all that social and I like to spend my days in solitude. I find it comforting when I’m just alone with my own thoughts and I don’t have to put up with anyone else. Not to mention that maybe, just maybe, I would like to enjoy a little honey for myself every now and then, but whenever Pooh comes around he’s basically insistent that all of it goes to him. And I can’t say no to him or I’ll seem like a bad friend; I have to act like I’m selfless to promote his selfishness, it’s horrible. I mean, did you hear him just now, not even grateful that I’m back but just asking if you smelled any honey in this dump? Sometimes I wonder why I even bother…I’d commiserate with Piglet, but that poor kid’s too scared to go up against Pooh to be of any help to me, unfortunately.

**Sora:** I’m really, really sorry about that. If I didn’t need to seal the Keyhole, you’d all still be scattered.

**Rabbit:** Oh, that would’ve been nice…

**Sora:** …Sorry for what I’m about to do.

**Rabbit:** Go ahead, I don’t even care anymore.

**Sora:** Sorry… *indicates some honey hidden in the roots of the ceiling*

**Rabbit:** Go ahead, Pooh, leave me with only vegetables and nothing sweet to wash their horrible taste down…

**Pooh:** Why I _will_ eat every single good thing you have! Thank you for offering!

**Rabbit:** I hate you so much…

**Sora:** We done here? Can I leave? *leaves the house and starts to leave the area, but Piglet calls him back* What now?

**Pooh:** My butt’s stuck.

**Rabbit:** I HAVE A FUCKING FRONT DOOR, YOU PRICK!

**Piglet:** Oh, wh-what to do?

**Rabbit:** Well we better do something soon; I _refuse_ to clean up Pooh’s shit for him!

**Sora:** …Pooh. What the fuck, guy.

**Pooh:** I just said I’m stuck in the hole again. I came in through this hole, so it must have shrunk. THAT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION.

**Sora:** *clenching fists in frustration* What have you done?! Everything is stupid now!

**Pooh:** It’s _fine!_

**Sora:** *goes around to talk to Pooh’s head instead of his ass*

**Pooh:** You think people could just bring me jars of honey so I don’t starve to death?

**Sora:** And promote your slovenly ways even further than they already are? I think not!

**Rabbit:** What he said. If starving you is the only way to get you out of my house, I am completely in favor of you suddenly becoming anorexic! Oooor we could just use carrot juice like grease to get you out of there, either way…Sora, I suddenly know your name apparently. I have some carrots in my garden, would you mind getting some for me?

**Sora:** If I have to…

**Rabbit:** OH NO NOT YOU AGAIN. GET THE FUCK OUT, YOU ARE NOT WANTED HERE!

**Tigger:** *bouncing into the area* What do you mean? Everyone loves me!

**Rabbit:** You’re high if you think that.

**Tigger:** Well I’m certainly trying to get higher! *jumps on bridge and demolishes it*

**Sora:** I can see why you don’t like your “friends” all that much.

**Rabbit:** RIGHT?!

**Tigger:** *smashes into Sora* Hey there! Name’s Tigger! T-I-double-guh-RR. That spells Tigger!

**Sora:** …A, no it doesn’t, and B, I think you just shattered my ribs. *coughs up blood*

**Tigger:** That’s how I greet people! Now who the hell are you?

**Pooh:** That’s Sora! He’s my new friend!

**Sora:** Boy are you stretching the definition there. *tries to shove Tigger away* Personal space? I can haz?

**Tigger:** I don’t know what five of the words in that sentence mean! *looks over at Pooh* And what kind of shenaniganry have you gotten yourself into this time?

**Pooh:** For some reason things tend to shrink whenever I eat too much.

**Tigger:** Yep, I’m sure that’s how it works. Imma go bounce now.

**Sora:** Why.

**Tigger:** Because it’s fun and everyone loves it when I do it!

**Sora:** You’re just that desperate for attention, aren’t you, and any kind will do even if it’s negative.

**Tigger:** I-I have no idea what you’re talking about.

**Sora:** I’m sure you don’t.

**Tigger:** My usual bouncing place has fucked off, so I think I’ll destroy Rabbit’s home for a while. He loves it when I cut off his main food source!

**Rabbit:** FUCK YOU WITH A _SHOVEL!_

**Tigger:** Seems to be in a bad mood today for some reason. Oh well! Hoo-hoo-hoo- _hoo!_

**Rabbit:** I’m going to murder him some day. But our immediate concern is Pooh. If we don’t unstick him soon, he’s gonna shit all over my house. Please help keep Tigger away from my carrots! I don’t really care about the pumpkins at this point, they’re not in season anyway.

**Owl:** This does seem to be quite the dilemma, doesn’t it. Fortunately, I know just what to do! Now then, we can’t just talk to Tigger about how important it is for Pooh to get unstuck by using the carrots or politely ask him to work on his aim by avoiding the vegetables altogether, that’d just be—

**Sora:** Smart?

**Owl:** Exactly, we can’t have that. Instead, you’ll have to engage in another pointless minigame!

**Sora:** Oh joy.

**Owl:** If Tigger bounces on a carrot twice, it’s lost forever. *demonstrates*

**Rabbit:** HE GOT IT WITHOUT THE DEMONSTRATION, YOU ASSHOLE.

**Owl:** Shut up. Protect the carrots from Tigger’s bounces and you’ll receive points. Somehow. Don’t ask.

**Sora:** So how do I protect them? By whacking Tigger out of the way with my miracle weapon?

**Owl:** Nope! Stand under the carrot he’s about to jump on so he can crush your skull instead!

**Sora:** …Not a fan of this.

**Owl:** Tough. Do the thing.

**Sora:** *does the thing*

**Tigger:** Wow, you don’t suck at all!

**Rabbit:** Thank you so much for salvaging what you could. I better get Pooh out of my house once and for all now. Please wait inside.

**Sora:** M’kay.

**Rabbit:** Finished. Now we just have to push Pooh out of the hole. Just a little severe ass-kicking will do, I think.

**Sora:** Way ahead of you. *slams into Pooh’s ass…that came out wrong*

**Pooh:** *shoots out of the hole and slams into pots and vegetables that Rabbit conveniently had lying around to be destroyed*

**Rabbit:** MY CABBAGES!

**Sora:** Sorry, again…

**Rabbit:** Whatever…

**Pooh:** *is convinced he’s in an entirely new, very dark location* …I can _feel_ the jar around my head. Am I really that dain bramaged?

**Sora:** All signs point to yes.

**Pooh:** Well at least I can eat more honey this way.

**Sora:** Now for the next location. Boy is this getting tedious. A tree on a hill with a bridge, huh. *goes to check it out* Well this place is actually kind of cute.

**Pooh and Piglet:** *are on the bridge, looking over the side*

**Piglet:** The hell is that thing floating in the river?

**Pooh:** Bugger if I know.

**Eeyore:** I’m in the game too. I’m sorry.

**Pooh:** HEY EEYORE!

**Eeyore:** Hey, Pooh. Would you mind pulling me out of the water? Unless you _want_ me to drown, wouldn’t really blame you to be honest…

**Pooh:** I love that guy, he always makes me laugh.

**Sora:** *doesn’t even bother to talk to Pooh, Piglet, or Rabbit who’s just there; instead immediately rushes to help the person in danger, completely unlike those other three*

**Eeyore:** Thanks for doing nothing, Pooh. Thank you for the actual help, whoever the hell you are. You know, I can’t help feeling like I’ve forgotten something…

**Piglet:** Tail’s missing again. Maybe we should consider something other than a thumbtack to keep it attached.

**Eeyore:** Now you’re just being silly. Still, wonder where it went this time. But why bother looking for it, no one’ll find it anyway. It’s not like I’ll miss it or anything.

**Pooh:** We’re gonna look for your tail, old buddy.

**Sora:** …I can get behind this! You, showing that you care about your friends! I will absolutely help you out in this endeavor!

**Owl:** Searching from a high place is the quickest way to find something that’s lost!

**Sora:** Hey yeah, how ‘bout you fly up and check out where his tail might’ve gone—

**Owl:** Oh I never said I would actually help you find it! No, my job is to teach you how to find it instead! I’m helpful like that.

**Sora:** …Dine on a dong.

**Owl:** Also my eyes are shit.

**Sora:** Okay, _that_ makes sense.

**Owl:** Take Pooh up to that swing on top of that hill, then launch him dozens of feet into the air to his very probable death in order to find a thing you can stick in his friend’s ass.

**Sora:** LET’S DO THIS.

**Pooh:** Right behind you all the way!

**Sora:** See, I much prefer you as an actually caring person, this is way better, why can’t you be like this all the time—

**Pooh:** Time out, found some honey. *waddles over and starts gorging himself again.

**Sora:** …Everyone in fanfiction says Ron’s sole care in life is food, and yet even he will leave the great hall before the meal’s over if one of his mates had a problem that needed sorting out, I’ve seen him do it. Pooh’s just a huge asshole.

**Owl:** *flies up to them once they get there* Okay, first, get ready to push, then press R1 to actually push.

**Sora:** Or I could move my arm.

**Owl:** I have no idea what that means. Now for the next step. Push before he swings back to the bottom. I’ll help you with the timing; push only when I spread my wings, or he’ll go too high or not high enough.

**Sora:** So you could tell the exact moment I’ll have to push again, but you can’t actually see where Eeyore’s tail went. Okay. *does the thing*

**Pooh:** *lands on Eeyore’s house* OH GOD I THINK I JUST BROKE MY SPINE.

**Sora:** HA.

**Eeyore:** Hey, my tail was in my house this whole time.

**Sora:** SO WHY DIDN’T WE GO THERE FIRST.

**Pooh:** THERE WAS NO TIME!

**Sora:** Hurgh. *sticks tail in Eeyore’s ass* How’s that?

**Eeyore:** PERFECT. Thanks, everyone.

**Pooh:** I wish we could put our home planet back the way it was, too.

**Sora:** I’M WORKING ON IT.

**Owl:** Sure you are. *preens feathers*

**Sora:** Finally, a Stop magic upgrade, as I need it in order to fight two of the new Heartless for new items for synchronization purposes and not for actual usage in combat ever because why would I bother. *goes to newest area* Owl, why’re you following me.

**Owl:** Because I know you enjoy my company!

**Sora:** Unless you have a Hogwarts letter, kindly fuck off.

**Owl:** What is your problem, young sir?

**Sora:** OHMAHGOD I CAN FLY AGAIN NOTHING’S THE PROBLEM ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD EVERYONE’S FRIENDS EVERYTHING’S FUN. *flies around looking for items instead of doing the thing he other came here for*

**Pooh:** THIS TREE DOESN’T HAVE HONEY. THIS IS MY ONLY CONTRIBUTION TO THIS AREA.

**Sora:** That is completely fine by me.

**Tigger:** You found my bouncing spot!

**Roo:** IT’S SO MUCH FUN!

**Tigger:** You should bounce with us!

**Sora:** You cannot imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

**Tigger:** The page’ll turn into an item, and as soon as you’re done Owl’ll trade you nuts for more items!

**Sora:** …Gorram it, okay, I’ll do the thing.

**Owl:** I wanna help!

**Roo:** No way, you can’t jump like we can!

**Owl:** … _Fine!_ Guess I’ll just _fucking fly away, then!_

**Roo:** Good! We didn’t want you anyway!

**Owl:** Fine!

**Roo:** _Fine!_

**Tigger:** …So anyway, just bounce like we do, it’s easy, you got glide and high jump, who even cares.

**Sora:** M’kay. *follows what Tigger does with relative ease*

**Roo:** Okay, now that you’ve bounced around, it’s time to hit nuts back at this huge pot that you didn’t know what it was here for until it shatters.

**Sora:** …This has nothing to do with bouncing.

**Roo:** SHUT UP AND HIT THINGS.

**Sora:** Why.

**Roo:** DO NOT QUESTION MY LOGIC, MORTAL SCUM!

**Sora:** …Okay…? *does the thing*

**Roo:** Good for you, now go get nuts for Owl.

**Owl:** One at a time, though.

**Sora:** I despise you all so much. *gets pretty sick items for his troubles, though, then fucks off for the last part of the world* …Oh shit, I have to find people. Forgot about this shlock. *sees Pooh walking in circles around a group of trees* Pooh, what the hell are you doing?

**Pooh:** Shh, quiet, or they’ll go away!

**Sora:** Everyone’s already away, you’re the only one here.

**Pooh:** Look at these footprints, though. We were all sticking together to make sure no one got lost again — that and we still can’t find Kanga — but then I saw footprints and I guess everyone went on without me while I was examining them.

**Sora:** …It was cute when the Rugrats did it, on account of them being infants, but here it’s not even funny, it’s just really sad. Fine, this is the last minigame, so I’ll help you look, but after that I’m never, _ever_ coming back here. *immediately finds Eeyore in the bush Pooh was circling around* Hey, Eeyore, whacha doin’ in here?

**Eeyore:** Looking for sticks to build my house. Again.

**Sora:** This place is pretty cozy, why not just make this your new house?

**Eeyore:** Not too bad of an idea.

**Sora:** Mind if we stash everyone in here once we find them? Just for this game?

**Eeyore:** Whatever.

**Sora:** Cool. *finds Rabbit immediately*

**Rabbit:** Owl looked so intent on finding something, I just had to follow him! But then I remembered that I can’t fly, so I was left alone by that asshole. Uncool, bro.

**Sora:** Go over to Eeyore, I gotta find everyone else.

**Rabbit:** M’kay.

**Pooh:** Butterflies are now carrying me up to a higher level.

**Sora:** …OKAY THEN. *floats up himself* Yo, Tigger! Stay still so I can talk to you, we’re on a time crunch here!

**Tigger:** I saw Pooh walking away, so I bounced after him! Then I bounced a bit too high and lost sight of him even though this whole area isn’t that big!

**Sora:** That seems idiotic of you. Pooh, get up here, Piglet won’t come out unless you’re here.

**Pooh:** Piglet, come on out.

**Piglet:** Pooh, where even are we?

**Pooh:** Inside a tree, dumbass, now come on.

**Sora:** Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle. You’re black.

**Owl:** I’m over here too! I thought I’d have a word with Roo about his bouncing, then apparently I got lost.

**Sora:** Just…Just get with the others, you worthless waste of space.

**Owl:** Righty-ho!

**Piglet:** I got scareded when everyone left, so I hiddeded.

**Sora:** That’s nice for you. Now where the fuck is Roo…Oh, he’s back where we started! *hits root that Roo’s standing on*

**Roo:** … _OW?!_

**Sora:** I GOT AN EXP RING THIS WAS SO FUCKING WORTH IT YOU CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND.

**Piglet:** This is a nice, starry hill we’re all suddenly sitting on. I’m just so glad that the gang’s back together again. I didn’t know what to do when I was all alone.

**Tigger:** Oh would you just spontaneously get over all your anxiety already, Jesus.

**Piglet:** You’re an asshole, I _hope_ your soul was sad while you were alone.

**Tigger:** Why would my soul ever be sad? I don’t need any of you people, you’re just nice to have around occasionally so I can see your distraught faces when I destroy all your shit!

**Rabbit:** Fucking called it.

**Pooh:** Think, think, think…

**Sora:** What now.

**Pooh:** I’m just thinking about what I should think about now.

**Sora:** …I’m leaving now.

**Piglet:** Where will you go? What will you do?

**Sora:** Frankly, my pig, why do you give a damn?

**Piglet:** Polite curiosity?

**Sora:** More like invasive annoyance, but I have to go look for my own friends now. Riku’s probably getting really annoyed that I just left him at Hollow Bastion, and I still have to help Donald and Goofy find their King. At least I still have Kairi, though.

**Tigger:** Feel free to bounce back any time!

**Piglet:** I hope you find your friends, too!

**Rabbit, Owl, and Roo:** How come we aren’t voiced?

**Eeyore:** How come you’re surprised?

**Pooh:** *gets up to watch Sora saunter off*

**Sora:** *looks back* What?

**Pooh:** *waves at Sora* Don’t forget! We shall always be here, should you ever want to visit us again!

**Sora:** I would not, thanks. *vanishes in a cloud of stars*

**Random comet:** *flies by*

**Book:** *has a new cover, with Sora, Pooh, Piglet and Tigger replacing the plain white one*

**Keyhole:** *is locked*

**Sora:** YAY I’M DONE WITH ALL THE BULLSHIT.

~In the manga, Piglet was blowing away on a balloon, Sora threw a rock to pop it, and caught Piglet before he fell and hurt himself. And of course all Pooh cared about was that the balloon had popped and that he could no longer use it.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Rest in peace, Satoru Iwata. You will be deeply missed.** _


	29. Seriously, Though, Fuck Sniperwilds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Things That Do Not Belong To Me: The here I come to save the day song, _Gurren Lagann, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Hunger Games, Farscape,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Frieds Zaibatsu, Pokémon ‘Bridged, Code MENT, _Young Frankenstein,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~SO MUCH LEVELING YOU GUYS.~

**Donald:** Hey, I’m unconscious again!

**Sora:** Wow, that hasn’t happened in a while, I strangely missed that!

**Donald:** I know, right?

**Goofy:** I’ve been wondering something: Do you think we should tell the Queen of Hearts we found Alice?

**Sora:** …NO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

**Goofy:** Okay, just a thought.

**Sora:** That _does_ remind me of a trip we have to make, though… *warps to Agrabah* Hey man, we found Jasmine!

**Aladdin:** Sweet! Where is she?

**Sora:** On basically another planet, frozen in carbonite, her heart about to be harvested to unleash evil on the world.

**Aladdin:** …So go save her?!

**Sora:** Well we got one of the seven bitches out of there so the heart harvesting’s on hold for now, but right now we’re trying to get more powerful so we can kill stuff and get her out of there and back here. And stuff.

**Aladdin:** …Is Genie not helping you at all?

**Sora:** I Summoned him once, he was pretty useless.

**Aladdin:** WHY DO I BOTHER WITH YOU PEOPLE.

**Sora:** Because we’re awesome and your only chance to get Jasmine back, now are you gonna help us level up or not.

**Aladdin:** …If you’re really that desperate…

**Goofy:** Actually, we could probably easily plow through the next couple bosses at least the way we are now—

**Sora:** SHUT UP I WANNA FIGHT SEPHIROTH.

**Aladdin:** And Kurt Zisa. He too is a thing now.

**Sora:** …The guidebook said these things would only show up after I’d sealed the Keyhole. This even happened in vanilla, what gives.

**Aladdin:** The guidebook lies.

**Sora:** I’ve noticed that. More and more as time goes on.

**Carpet:** We doing this or what?

**Sora:** …Yeah, all right. *flies Carpet out to the middle of the desert*

**Kurt Zisa:** I have six arms but only two swords! What’s up with that?!

**Sora:** Where did these pillars come from, why has no one noticed them before, and why are they creating invisible walls around us.

**Kurt Zisa:** Shut up and fight me.

**Sora:** Why, is there an invisible wall around our heads as well, ‘cause we could just fly Carpet up and out of here—

**Kurt Zisa:** Unless I knock you off.

**Sora:** Oh you bitch.

**Kurt Zisa:** YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME! JUST IGNORE THESE TWO GLOWING ORBS IN TWO OF MY ARMS THAT ARE OBVIOUS WEAK POINTS! YOU CANNOT USE MAGIC THEREFORE YOU HAVE NO CHANCE, HA-HA!

**Sora:** Oh no, I’m so scared. *glides around and bashes the orbs until they’re gone*

**Kurt Zisa:** You totally did _not_ just grab a bunch of HP balls as your reward, nor did you unlock another weak point in my face!

**Sora:** Except that I totally did.

**Kurt Zisa:** SHIELD! YOU CAN’T GET AT ME NOW!

**Sora:** Oh no, if only I could use magic again. *spams Thundara*

**Kurt Zisa:** …SPINNING BLADE ATTACK!

**Sora:** …Shit, that actually kind of hurt. Least I can concentrate on these orbs again.

**Kurt Zisa:** Oh shit, forgot I did that.

**Sora:** And now you dead.

**Kurt Zisa:** Poop. *starts to collapse*

**Sora:** Not on _us,_ asshole!

**Carpet:** *bursts into song* _Here I come to save the day!_ *takes them outta there*

**Kurt Zisa:** *finally dissolves*

**Sora:** Hey cool, another Ansem Report. Don’t remember that being in vanilla. *travels to Neverland* …Crap.

**Donald:** What?

**Peter Pan:** Oh yeah, my time to shine! *crows*

**Sora:** Why. Just why.

**Peter Pan:** You _have_ to have me in this fight and you know it, bro!

**Sora:** Don’t call me bro. I don’t wanna be called bro by such a backstabbing loser.

**Goofy:** But why do we hafta take him, though?

**Peter Pan:** ‘Cause I’m the only one who can understand Tink and can translate that she wants to go to the clock tower.

**Sora:** I hate everything. C’mon, Goofy, let’s go.

**Donald:** But _I’m_ the magic guy! I can help in this!

**Sora:** When’s the last time you cast a decent spell at the correct time?

**Donald:** …Fuck you too, asshole.

**Sora:** That’s what I thought. *starts flying over to Big Ben*

**Phantom:** Yo, check out this sick new cloak! It’s all white with black flames and shit!

**Sora:** That _is_ pretty badass, I’ll admit. Now, to business.

**Goofy and Peter Pan:** *clink glasses* TO BUSINESS!

**Sora:** …

**Goofy and Peter Pan:** …Sorry…

**Sora:** Anyway, *aims Keyblade at Phantom* _expecto patronum!_

**Phantom:** I’m a Ringwraith, actually, common mistake.

**Sora:** …I am no man?

**Phantom:** Clearly.

**Sora:** HEY—Oh shit. *casts Stopra on clock hands*

**Phantom:** Ha ha, you can only have shortcuts to three spells at once!

**Sora:** Damn it… *has to manually go to Fira every time* Fly still, how can I shoot you if you keep moving!

**Phantom:** Boy am I taking a long-ass time to defeat!

**Peter Pan and Goofy:** We’re being marginally useful! *give Sora items when needed and manage not to die, though Pan comes close*

**Phantom:** Oh I am slain. *dies*

**Stopra:** *is upgraded to Stopga*

**Sora:** FUCKING FINALLY. *goes to kill super-tough enemies that require said spell in order to get synthesis items* FUCKS SAKE SNIPERWILD WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING TOUGH I HATE YOU.

**Goofy:** *looking at inventory* Still need a Gale or two.

**Peeta:** That’s not what Katniss said last night!

**Prim:** OOOOOOOOOOOHH!

**Sora:** Heh, nice. But yeah, we gotta wait till the End of the World for those last items.

**Donald:** Don’t be so pessimistic, Sora! Remember, the Gummi Ship runs on Stepford Smiles!

**Sora:** I know, I know. *attempts to do all Halloween Town Gummi missions*

**Goofy:** You’re never gonna get that Platinum, just let it go.

**Sora:** Instructions unclear. Dick caught in ceiling fan.

**Monstro:** Yeeeaahh, have fun continuously trying while I eat your face repeatedly thus making this entirely impossibible.

**Sora:** …Damn it…

**Donald:** Can we just finish the fucking game already.

**Sora:** Fine, fine. *goes back to Traverse Town* Yo, Cid. I need to go and do the final thing because things.

**Cid:** Yeah no. There are way too many Heartless.

**Sora:** Geez, man. It’s not that bad. It’s just a city full of psychotic, vagrant assholes.

**Cid:** I was talking about the Gummi ship routes, which we can easily circumvent through the power of wormhole technology locked inside my brain. I’ll install a new GPS Gummi for you so you can make it work.

**Sora:** But where would we get such a gummi?

**Cid:** From the sewer area of this world.

**Sora:** …

**Cid:** When I came here nine years ago, I stored it there in case I would ever need it. And Gummi never grows moldy so I knew it would be safe. *turns around in a weird and clunky manner* Never thought a kid’d be the one to use it! Hmm…You know, it’s possible that when a fourteen-year-old does your job better than you, it’s time you did your job better than them. Meaning I should really suggest that myself and Squall and Yuffie and Aerith go ourselves so we won’t put tiny children in any danger, but of course the entire universe rests on some kid whose balls haven’t dropped yet. No pressure!

**Sora:** Riiight… *goes down to the sewers, beating up everything in his path with ridiculous ease by this point*

**Kairi:** ‘Sup, nerd!

**Sora:** Hay gurl! Check out mah swaggah!

**Kairi:** That’s nice. I’m looking at that mural of the sun on the far wall over there.

**Sora:** …It was a star and moon thing last time I looked at it…

**Kairi:** Well now it’s the sun. It’s almost hypnotizing…

**Sora:** Yeah, graffiti in an underground cave’ll do that to ya. *walks up to it, and it glows and spits out a Gummi block into Sora’s hands* …And now it’s the moon again. That’s convenient.

**Donald:** …How did you even activate it, anyway? What, did your massive shoes trip some switch or something?

**Sora:** Could be, could be… *goes back to Kairi* We should go back and join the others. It’s time we got a good rest in, considering we’ve been at this for basically seventy plus hours with no break of any kind.

**Kairi:** Sounds good. Hey, you know what those two murals remind me of?

**Sora:** No, what?

**Kairi:** The whole light at the end of the tunnel thing, which for most people means death but for us it apparently means light and life.

**Sora:** This to do with your grandma’s story?

**Kairi:** Oh yeah, you saw that flashback. And apparently I have no parents. How original for a Disney princess.

**Sora:** You know what’s funny? I looked everywhere for you, but you were with me the entire time. Watching me pee, seeing all my dirty thoughts when I was talking to Ariel; it doesn’t feel like an invasion of privacy at all! I’m _glad_ we shared all of these things! And finally we’re actually, physically together, but since we were technically together the whole time anyway I see no reason to play catch-up or relish our time together now; I’d much rather ditch you entirely in favor of saving Riku and possibly the entire universe by extension.

**Kairi:** Fair enough. You think it’ll even be the same again between us?

**Sora:** …You and me or us and Riku?

**Kairi:** Yes. But mainly us and Riku. He’s…lost his heart? I don’t even know.

**Sora:** I’m pretty sure he’s just possessed. But remember when I turned into a Heartless? You’re the one who saved me, who brought me back. I was lost in the darkness. I couldn’t find my way at all. I make it sound like I was walking around, but really I was just falling deeper and deeper into the abyss, I don’t know what all this “stumbling” bullshit’s all about. But the deeper I fell, the more I forgot. My home, my family whom I’ve largely forgotten about anyway, my friends, who I was…The darkness almost swallowed me. When you put that into context and realize that that’s what happens to every person who becomes a Heartless, it’s really sort of terrifying. But then, I heard a voice calling out to me. It was your voice, Kairi. I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for you.

**Donald:** By the way, what happened to Ventus’s heart? Is it still in Sora’s or did it get unlocked as well and now _it’s_ a Heartless?

**Goofy:** Fucked if I know, Donald.

**Kairi:** I would never forget about you, Sora. It’s entirely impossible, no matter what kind of plot-related circumstances might occur.

**Sora:** That’s just it, isn’t it? Everything’s connected, almost by a chain, and each of us form a link. The light from these individual hearts have the power to break through the darkness. We both saw that light. I think that’s what saved me, seeing that light. Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light…

**Kairi:** Still a horrible adaptation.

**Sora:** Hey, it was the only movie in the entire series to get Harry’s hair right.

**Kairi:** I don’t care, how the fuck can a movie based off a book spell a fucking main-ish character’s name wrong?!

**Sora:** Is this about the Moony thing again?! Merlin’s pants, let it _go,_ woman!

**Kairi:** NEVER!

**Sora:** Whatever, the point is that your grandmother’s story was more than just a fairy tale. It was, like, history or some bullshit.

**Kairi:** That’s nice, so when do we leave?

**Sora:** Wha…You’re not actually coming with me!

**Kairi:** And why not? Not only is Hollow Bastion apparently my home planet, but Riku’s my friend too, you know!

**Sora:** Do you have any idea how serious this is?!

**Kairi:** Damn it, Sora, stop staring at my tits and remember how far we’ve come together! You’re not in this alone anymore!

**Donald and Goofy:** Oi!

**Sora:** …Look, I know you think that me leaving you behind because it’s too dangerous is a load of bullcrap and it makes you look weak and it _definitely_ doesn’t make you out as a strong female protagonist, but _you do not have a weapon._ And you’re not like Tifa or Zell, you can’t beat things up either. You don’t even have Snow’s magical trench coat patches! So I’m sorry, but if I brought you with me, you really would just be dead weight, no matter how much more useful you’d still be than Donald.

**Kairi:** …Damn it, I hate it when you use logic on me. *grabs Sora’s hand* It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *hands him the thalassa shell keychain she’d been making at the beginning of the game* It’s my lucky charm that I’ve only had for less than a day before our planet exploded, so be sure to bring it back to me, and be sure to not confuse it for a giant tacky yellow star thing that belongs to someone else!

**Sora:** You got it!

**Kairi:** Promise?

**Sora:** Promise.

**Kairi:** Cross your heart?

**Sora:** *crosses heart*

**Kairi:** *smiles* Don’t ever forget. No matter where you go, you will always be in my heart.

**Sora:** *is suddenly flustered* H-Hey, check this out. It’s a keychain, right?

**Kairi:** Yeah?

**Sora:** *takes off Chocobo keychain and attaches lucky charm*

**Kairi:** Ooooooh, shiny pretty…

**Sora:** Imma call it Oathkeeper!

**Kairi:** D’aaaaaaaaaww!

**Sora:** So were you just wandering around town or what?

**Kairi:** Well yeah, I know the layout from having looked through your eyes for like the whole game, so instead of chillin’ with Merlin I thought I’d skulk around the sewers for a bit.

**Sora:** That does seem like the preferred way of spending one’s time, yes. But how did you get here without running into any Heartless? I would’ve thought they’d flock to you or something.

**Kairi:** Leon dropped me off.

**Sora:** It’s Squall.

**Kairi:** Oh. Then why does he call himself Leon?

**Sora:** Some stupid bullshit reason no one really understands or cares about, everyone still calls him Squall. And it pisses him off, so it works.

**Kairi:** Huh. Cool.

~OH SHIT NEW FINAL MIX SHIT HELLZ YEAH.~

**Riku:** Sora…Kairi…Why is the world spinning and what happened to my voice…I think I’m gonna be sick…Is this real life? Am I dead? Is this hell or purgatory or something? *stumbles and starts to glow* No…I don’t wanna die even though no one really dies in this series besides all the dead people…I at least wanna see Sora and Kairi…one last time…

**King Mickey:** ‘SUP, NERD! Can you hear me now? I’ll be right there, just stay where you are!

**Riku:** The fuck’re you? And no, I _can't_ hear you, actually, I have no idea what's going on with that.

**King Mickey:** I have the OTHER Keyblade! This makes it sound like there are only two in existence when it’s really however many there needs to be! But apparently this is a special dark Keyblade or something, which makes no sense considering I’m supposedly the epitome of all that is good in this world, just ignore all those really racist comics from back in the day, those didn’t happen, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

**Riku:** Question mark?

**King Mickey:** I’ve been trying to get through to you from the world of darkness, but the darkness in your heart was blocking my dark powers from getting through to you.

**Riku:** This series makes no sense.

**King Mickey:** I’ll make _you_ make sense!

**Riku:** You never answered who you were, and if you ever choose to answer that, can you tell me what the hell’s happening to me?

**Aqua:** And shouldn’t I be somewhere around here or something?

**King Mickey:** Quiet, you. Riku, your heart won the battle against the darkness, but it was too late for your body. So you may or may not have a Nobody out there like Kairi’s that’s just all sorts of fucking weird, it’s really unclear. But it’s why whatever manifestation of you is here right now, in this place of darkness where hearts are gathered.

**Riku:** …Am I in the moon above The World That Never Was right now?

**King Mickey:** I don’t think that starts until Roxas becomes a thing.

**Riku:** But Roxas just became a thing, though.

**King Mickey:** Oh. Well I’m not too sure the process itself has started yet, he still needs a few more days before he’s fully conscious and can start to remember conversations with Axel and crap.

**Riku:** Fair enough…So what now? Am I out for the rest of this game, or—?

**King Mickey:** No, you’ll be back when the Door of Darkness needs to be opened at the end of the game. We can’t really go through it, though. I’m sorry, but it has to be closed from both sides. To do this, you need two keys and two hearts.

**Riku:** On either side? Like, four keys and hearts total?

**King Mickey:** No, me and Sora with the keys, and I guess me and you on this side and Sora and…Kairi on the other side, maybe?

**Riku:** …So I can’t go and join up with them again?

**Aqua:** I volunteer as tribute! Let this guy go back with his friends, I’ve been here ten years, I don’t mind staying a little longer!

**King Mickey:** No, it has to be Riku. For some reason. He’s here for the same reason I am.

**Riku:** You betrayed your friends, gave yourself to the darkness, and lost your body?

**King Mickey:** IT WAS MEANT TO BE, OKAY. DESTINY IS DESTINY.

**Riku:** I really don’t believe in that crap, though—

**King Mickey:** _DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!_

**Aqua:** Oh not this again!

**Riku:** You’re never gonna tell me who you are, are you. You seem to know everything, yet you keep it all to yourself for some kind of twisted logic that only you understand. I’m gonna call you Dumbledore until I hear otherwise. Just please tell me if Sora and Kairi area okay.

**King Mickey:** What do you think?

**Echo of Sora:** *runs closer and closer to the camera until his weird creepy smiling face is taking up the whole thing before there’s a freeze frame on that big dumb smile of his*

**Riku:** GAAAH! Well that was terrifying. It doesn’t answer my question about Kairi, though.

**King Mickey:** What does your heart tell you?

**Riku:** …That they’re both alive? *smiles* Yes. Yes, they’re alive.

~Fucking love this new shit, I just wish they bothered to dub it. It’s not like Riku’s voice actually changed either!~

**Cid:** So you found the thing I wanted?

**Sora:** As established, yes.

**Cid:** All right, I’ll go install it for ya. Again, completely free of charge. *walks away*

**Sora:** *calling after him* HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL IN BUSINESS.

**Donald:** *also calling after him* Don’t take our bewilderment as non-appreciation; we are _literally_ baffled by you!

**Goofy:** No plot-relevant cutscene while we wait this time?

**Sora:** Doesn’t seem like it.

**Cid:** And I’m back now! Fuck off any time you want!

**Sora:** I will roger that.

**Cid:** Kid, I gotta say, I wish you didn’t have to face this danger.

**Sora:** So come with us or insist that you, Squall, and Yuffie go in our stead.

**Cid:** We’re done talking now.

**Sora:** Well you’re a piece of shit. *leaves the planet*

~HOLY SHIT THE GAME’S NEARLY OVER WHAT THE FUCK.~


	30. We Lived In Fear Of The Miasma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yo I Don't Own This Shit:** Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Attack on Titan, Farscape, Legend of Zelda, Harry Potter, Once Upon a Time, Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, A Few Good Men, Doctor Who, Monty Python’s Life of Brian,_ Too Many Cooks, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, A Very Potter Senior Year, and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Fucking Gummi routes….~

**Chip:** There’s a new wormhole near Traverse Town, I can smell it.

**Dale:** I WONDER IF IT LEADS TO THE PLACE WE NEED TO GO. Also there are new Heartless popping up all over.

**Chip:** Might be worth revisiting some of those places again for the sake of the optional boss battles you totally already fought.

**Donald:** Righty-ho, into the Black Hole of Death we go!

**Goofy:** WHEEEEEEE!

**Sora:** Hey guys, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…

**Goofy:** A dangerous pastime?

**Sora:** I _know._ But still…Isn’t it convenient that, this whole time, we’ve been traveling from world to world in basically the order from weakest to strongest?

**Donald:** They’re all pretty equal now, though.

**Sora:** You know what I mean.

**Donald:** True. And we’re here.

**Sora:** Yay.

**Beast:** I’ve been sulking at the bottom of the waterfall this whole time for some reason.

**Sora:** That’s kind of lame…Wait, where’s Belle? I would’ve thought you’d have saved her by now.

**Beast:** Ehh… _naaaah._

**Goofy:** She still frozen in carbonite?

**Beast:** Nope! She and the other princesses have all been defrosted and gotten over their hibernation sickness. Cinderella, Aurora, and Snow have slowly been coming to terms with the fact that they’ve been like that for the past ten years, but I think they need more time.

**Donald:** Why’re the rest of them staying? Is it to help those three?

**Sora:** Let’s go ask them and do our part as well if we can.

**Beast:** Donald may be a good healer at times, but these Heartless are suddenly a lot tougher and you may need my strength. Can I go with you?

**Sora:** Do you mind, Donald?

**Donald:** Nope, I ain’t even mad, go ahead.

**Sora:** Thanks, man.

**Donald:** No prob.

**Sora:** Awesome. * heads up to the castle*

**Goofy:** Let’s stop by the library, ‘cause I know you forgot to save at the waterfall and who would ever want to go through that Gummi route again unless they were fucking insane.

**Sora:** Oh fuck off. *goes into library and heads for save point*

**Beast:** *is suddenly shown to be walking up the stairs on his own*

**Belle:** *turns around from the shelf she was staring at*

**Beast:** It _is_ you! *goes up to her and hugs her*

**Belle:** I apparently have nothing to say about this! *hugs him back*

**Beast:** Well at least there’s that.

**Belle:** Cutscene over, I must now deliver exposition.

**Beast:** But of course.

**Belle:** *to Sora* You’ve come to seal the Keyhole, right? Please be careful. The darkness is coming. The six of us have _somehow_ been holding it back, which is why I’m away from the group and hanging around in the library, but we can’t hold out for much longer. Please, save us princesses, person who is a biologically cisgendered brunette white male like every other video game protagonist ever!

**Sora:** …At least I’m fourteen and not in my twenties or thirties like everyone else?

**Belle:** Sure, let’s go with that. Also, you should know, it’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *gives Sora the Divine Rose Keychain*

**Sora:** *tries equipping it* Oh that Rose is simply Divine!

**Belle:** Fuck you.

**Beast:** I must now ditch you for reasons.

**Belle:** I’ll be ‘waiting’ here.

**Beast:** …The fuck does that even mean.

**Belle:** In our special place.

**Beast:** Oh dear.

**Belle:** So many books, but not one on how to banish the darkness. Maybe it’s hopeless…

**Sora:** *stares at her, glances over at book entitled _Banishing Darkness For Beginners,_ then stares back at her* -_-

**Belle:** Ansem desired the darkness. He thinks it’s the source of all power. What nonsense. Darkness may shroud light, but it can never extinguish it. Sora, don’t succumb to darkness. You and the Keyblade can defeat it.

**Sora:** No pressure, got it. *turns to the others* C’mon, let’s see if I can figure out how to remember how to get back to that fucking place.

**Beast:** Let’s see if you can remember how to figure out how to remember how to get there.

**Sora:** Are you mocking me?

**Beast:** No. *follows Sora all the way back through the castle*

**Sora:** Jesus Christ that trip takes forever—HOLY SHIT ALL THE WOMEN IN ALL THE WORLDS. Or a bunch of ‘em. Five of ‘em. Whatever.

**Beast:** They’re all just…standing there. What’ve they been doing this whole time?

**Goofy:** Probably just talking about girly things.

**Cinderella:** DUDE HOW HYPE WAS ANT-MAN.

**Aurora:** I actually enjoyed it more than Age of Ultron, frankly.

**Snow White:** D'you think they'll release Joss's three-hour director's cut, 'cause I wanna see that.

**Jasmine:** How the fuck do they allow each and every Hobbit movie to be three hours in theaters and not Avengers 2?! Do they not realize how many people would so willingly see a three-hour Marvel movie?!

**Alice:** I say movie theaters bring back intermissions.

**Cinderella:** That's actually a really good idea.

**Goofy:** Like menstruation. And shoes.

**Sora:** *ambles up to them* Lllllllllladies?

**Jasmine:** Sora, please hurry! Darkness is pouring from the Keyhole!

**Alice:** I’M LIKE SEVEN, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!

**Snow White:** You know, you remind me an awful lot of this young man I met ten years ago…How the crap am I still fourteen. Fucking carbonite.

**Sora:** Hold on just one sec, Imma do the thing.

**Snow White:** You do that, we’re just gonna stand around here some more.

**Jasmine:** Can you feel the immense power flowing from the Keyhole?

**Sora:** …Sure?

**Snow White:** Please hurry, our feet hurt.

**Sora:** Take your shoes off, then, those heels can’t be good for you.

**Snow White:** SHUT UP, DAD, IT’S MY CHOICE!

**Goofy:** Huh boy.

**Alice:** We must close the Keyhole before it’s too late. And by we I mean you, ‘cause I’m tiny and can’t do shit.

**Sora:** Uh-huh. *goes to talk to the other two*

**Cinderella:** We’re been waiting for you, Keyblade master even though you’re not a fucking master.

**Sora:** Where’d that one guy go?

**Aurora:** No idea, he kinda peaced out. When the Keyhole appeared, darkness poured out of the multicolored miasma that was already within. It swallowed Ansem, and he disappeared. Possibly Disapparated through the power of evil black smoke. If only we could do that with blindingly white smoke…

**Cinderella:** That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard, who would ever think that idea was good. Even though Ansem is gone, the darkness is still gushing out. We’re working together to hold it back with our minds, I guess, but Belle fucked off to the library and you took away probably the strongest one of us since she has the potential to someday wield a Keyblade herself, so it’s been kinda difficult.

**Aurora:** I cannot forget the look on his face. As the darkness engulfed him, he was smirking. Evilly. As if he was some sort of villain.

**Aurora:** Ansem has ignored us since the Keyhole appeared.

**Cinderella:** Probably ‘cause we’ve established he’s fucking GONE.

**Sora:** Maybe I should get you guys some fucking food before I do anything else—

**Aurora:** Oh don’t bother, we’re fine.

**Sora:** …I’m holding an intervention once I’m done in the next room.

**Cinderella:** There’s really no need—

**Sora:** Trust me, there’s every need. *leaves them and goes into the room with the miasma* YES FINALLY ALL NINETY-NINE PUPPIES ARE MINE AT LAST!

**Goofy:** Let’s do this shit first before returning them, I mean we’re right fucking here.

**Sora:** Fair enough. One more thing I have to do first… *goes to another empty pod that was probably meant for Kairi* YES OBLIVION THIS IS THE MOST BADASS LOOKING KEYBLADE YET I LOVE IT DEARLY wait, it’s weaker than Divine Rose. Shit. OKAY, NEVER EQUIPPING THAT, THEN. *dives into the miasma*

**Behemoth:** I am big and grey-ish and am a classic Final Fantasy monster back when I was purple in the original game.

**Sora:** So you are, which is why I love you. *beats it to death. Because love*

**Behemoth:** OW MY HORN. *dies*

**Beast:** And I have inexplicably been replaced with Donald for the sake of the cutscene or some shit.

**Sora:** Wonder if this Omega Arts he just dropped is any good…

**Goofy:** Oh look, the Keyhole that all the darkness is pouring out of! You should lock that posthaste!

**Squall’s voice:** Yay. Sora did the thing. I am overjoyed. This is my overjoyed voice.

**Sora:** Hey, Squall’s here! Let’s go talk to him before we save the universe, it can wait.

**Donald and Goofy:** You got it, boss!

**Sora:** *sees Squall, Aerith, and Yuffie* Squall, Aerith, and Yuffie! What’re YOU doing here?!

**Goofy:** And where’s Cid?

**Yuffie:** Cid’s still running the Gummi business down in Traverse Town, but he lent us the Highwind so we could come over here to see you guys.

**Aerith:** This is actually our home planet.

**Sora:** Then why weren’t there any tiny babby versions of you in BBS? I would’ve thought Cid would be there, at least.

**Aerith:** Please, original characters who would one day become evil douchenozzles are way more important.

**Sora:** Huh. So, wait, you’re telling me that all this blue electricity that’s running the whole castle is actually the Lifestream?

**Aerith:** No, that would be silly.

**Squall:** This whole planet…It’s in far worse shape than I’d imagined, considering I thought it was just blowed up. And I almost wish it had been, since every world that comes back returns in exactly the same shape it was left in; it’ll take years to clean up this mess! *stands determinedly* I refuse to acknowledge myself as anything other than the name Leon until this world is put right again!

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, Yuffie, and Aerith:** Good luck with that, Squally-Squall.

**Aerith:** And if Sora defeats Ansem for us, at least the Heartless’ll piss off.

**Sora:** Well at least someone’s honest about the fact that I’m doing all their dirty work for them…

**Aerith:** Of course, that includes your islands coming back, Sora.

**Sora:** LET’S DO THIS.

**Yuffie:** Sadly, magic always comes with a price, and that price is the ability to see each other freely.

**Aerith:** She’s right. Once all the worlds are restored, the invisible walls separating them from other planets will be restored as well.

**Yuffie:** Everyone’ll automatically be teleported back to where they came from, except for Donald’s nephews who will show up on this planet instead of their own, for some reason.

**Sora:** We won’t be able to travel to different planets at all? The Gummi ship’ll be completely and totally useless to everyone?

**Squall:** Basically.

**Yuffie:** Before all this, you didn’t even know about the existence of other worlds, did you?

**Sora:** Well we knew Kairi came from somewhere else, and even before that Riku had an inkling after some guy made him touch his Keyblade, but yeah, I guess you could be right.

**Aerith:** …OKAY, so anyway, every world was once isolated. The impassible invisible walls I mentioned earlier kept them all separate.

**Yuffie:** But then Sputnik went up and apparently a Heartless or two was riding it because suddenly the walls were destroyed and interplanetary travel became a thing. But if the worlds return, _as already established three times so far,_ then so will those invisible walls.

**Squall:** Which means Gummi ships will be useless.

**Sora:** I ALREADY SAID THAT AND YOU ALREADY AGREED WITH ME.

**Aerith:** Don’t you just love these expositional scenes?

**Sora:** …I think I’m going to miss some of you considerably less than others once the worlds are restored.

**Squall:** We may never meet again, except we totally will in a year or so, but we’ll never forget each other. That’s just never gonna happen, no matter what plot-induced incidents occur.

**Sora:** Huh, that’s the second time I’ve heard something like that today.

**Aerith:** No matter where we are, our hearts will bring us together again. Not physically, though, considering this is it forever. Unless of course we continuously find bullshit loopholes in all of this so you can continue visiting more Disney movies, but I somehow doubt that.

**Yuffie:** Besides, I couldn’t forget you even if I wanted to. Except for the part where we are all going to forget about your entire existence for an entire fucking year. But, you know, final good-byes and heartfelt bullshit.

**Sora:** I am a sap for heartfelt bullshit.

**Donald:** SORA! STOP HAVING A MOMENT WITH PERIPHERY CHARACTERS!

**Goofy:** YOU CAN SAY GOOD-BYE LATER, BUT RIGHT NOW YOU REALLY SHOULD CLOSE THE KEYHOLE LIKE YOU SHOULD’VE IMMEDIATELY DONE AFTER YOU KILLED THE BEHEMOTH FIVE FUCKING MINUTES AGO!

**Squall:** Wait, I have to give you one last monotone sentence of encouragement—

**Sora:** Yeah, whatever, Imma go save the planet now. *goes back into the miasma and seals the Keyhole with ease because that part’s always been the simplest shit in the world*

~…Wait, where did Squall, Yuffie, and Aerith go?~

**Alice:** I AM VERY THANKFUL TO YOU FOR DOING THE THING I STILL DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

**Jasmine:** But I am feeling a powerful darkness growing far away.

**Sora:** …If you could feel darkness like that, how come you never figured out that Jafar was teh evulz?

**Jasmine:** Because fuck you.

**Sora:** No, seriously, how did you not notice he was evil?! ‘Cause he’s _really_ evil, he’s _really_ fucking evil!

**Jasmine:** I SAID GOOD DAY!

**Aurora:** It’s the very final world of the game. It has to be where Ansem went.

**Sora:** The final boss, huh? Then I guess we’ll have to take the Gummi ship and deal with them once and for all except when incarnations of him continuously pop up in every single sequel and side game.

**Cinderella:** BRILLIANT! But it’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *upgrades Fira to Firaga. Somehow*

**Sora:** Cinderella, Alice, Snow White, Jasmine, and Aurora apparently just gave me the power to set things on fiyah. Thank _you!_

**Snow White:** Sora, your courage can bring back our worlds, which is why you’ll never see most of us again except in flashbacks and uninspired level redesigns.

**Aurora:** Once the darkness is gone, everything will be as it was.

**Sora:** I know this is Kairi’s home planet, technically, but she grew up on Destiny Islands and considers that her home. Will she reappear on my world or this one?

**Cinderella:** Yours, as should you while Donald and Goofy return to their own world.

**Sora:** I can’t go home until I find Riku and the king. And now we have a plot for a sequel, awesome.

**Donald:** And we still have to find the King as well, so all three of us are somehow going to avoid this.

**Goofy:** Maybe it’s because we were actually at the place where everything happened that we will somehow manage to avoid this, but I think it more likely that it’s some magic bullshit that no one will ever be compelled to explain because it’s magic, you don’t have to explain it.

**Beast:** I am back now.

**Sora:** That’s nice, Imma fight in the Hades Cup now.

**Donald and Goofy:** Huh boy, here we go.

**Sora:** Hey, you wanna level up for the end of the game or what?

**Goofy:** We’re strong enough as it is, you just wanna fight Sephiroth.

**Sora:** YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DO! Also I wanna upgrade my magic and shit.

**Donald:** This actually does sound like a good plan.

**Goofy:** I just think we were seriously lucky that Squall hadn’t drawn any Cure spells in a while, or that Cloud didn’t have any Cure materia, and that neither of them had any curative items on them.

**Sora:** I WANNA TRY OUT LIONHEART RIGHT NOW WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WAIT GODDAMNIT.

**Hades:** And now we get to the fun part.

**Sora:** Oh yeah, you exist. And this is your tournament, after all, I suppose…

**Hades:** Name’s Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doin’?

**Sora:** Yes, we know who you are.

**Hades:** Oh you do? That’s great! ‘Cause I got some reserved seats for you if you’re interested.

**Sora:** …Let me guess, in hell?

**Hades:** No, actually.

**Sora:** Oh, sick, where then?

**Hades:** DOWN UNDER!

**Sora:** We’re going to Australia? No, I don’t wanna go to prison! There’s drop bears there!

**Donald and Goofy:** *slap themselves*

**Hades:** *constantly throws fireballs and shit at them* Hey, you guys having fun yet?

**Sora:** Oh no, if only I’d recently gained an upgrade on my _ice magic._ *eventually defeats Hades*

**Hades:** This…isn’t…HAPPENING! *gets thrown backwards into the back entrance or whatever*

**Something, or some things:** *come at him from out of the darkness*

**Hades:** Hey, come on, what-what’re you doing? Stop! Hey, guys! G-Get away from me! Come on! Come _on!_

**Gate:** *closes*

**Sora:** …SO HOW ‘BOUT THAT GRAVIGA UPGRADE, EH?

**Donald:** You mean the spell we’ve never once used aside from mushrooms and getting the occasional chest in Hollow Bastion?

**Sora:** That’s the one! Ooh, another Ansem Report!

**Goofy:** Have you read _any_ of those yet?

**Sora:** NOPE!

**Donald:** I’m appreciating how we’re getting a sneak peak at future enemies, though, especially since we seem to be beating them super easily.

**Sora:** Well yeah, I got here at level 73 and I think I’ve gained at least three levels since.

**Goofy:** …That’s a big Abnormal Armored Titan right there. Looks like it’s a fifteen-meter class or so.

**Sora:** Yeah, and it’s made out of rock and has two heads, weird.

**Donald:** Plus it can be harmed at the ankles and the _front_ of the face. These Titans are just getting weirder and weirder.

**Sora:** Well _yeah,_ that’s why they’re called Abnormal.

**Goofy:** I hear there’s one made of ice, and if you defeat it you get a new Keyblade you’ll never use once Ultima’s crafted.

**Sora:** Iiiinteresting…Oh, look, we beat it.

**Rock Titan:** I am now rubble.

**Sora:** Yay. We won another tournament. How predictable.

**Hades:** Can’t believe those kids pulled one over on me…

**Donald:** And now to do the only useful thing in the whole game… *uses Blizzaga on Hades’s hair*

**Hades:** Whoa, was my hair out?

**Sora:** Dude I beat up your uncle.

**Hercules:** HADES IS MY _UNCLE?!_

**Sora:** …You make me sad.

**Goofy:** We learned Trinity Limit though.

**Sora:** That’s nice. OH SHIT THE PUPPIES!

**Donald and Goofy:** OH RIGHT WE FORGOT! *warp immediately to Traverse Town*

**Sora:** TOO MANY PUPPIES!

**Donald and Goofy:** *burst into song* _Too many puppies, too many puppies, TOO MANY PUUUUUPIES!_

**Sora:** Okay stop, we can never top it.

**Donald and Goofy:** This is true.

**Sora:** Aeroga GET! Now I’m just missing Curaga I guess.

**Donald:** Any idea where to get it?

**Sora:** Hmm…Who’s the most infamous healer in this whole game?

**Goofy:** Aerith, I guess? I think she’s still in Hollow Bastion.

**Sora:** Let’s go check, then. *warps to the Castle Chapel* What’re you guys all still doing here?

**Cinderella:** Fucking around. I still can’t believe we played such a vital role in everything!

**Sora:** Yep, way to get kidnapped and stand around.

**Cinderella:** My world still won’t be restored I don’t think by the time we catch up to whichever game we’re on now, so I guess I’ll stay here or something.

**Sora:** M’kay.

**Aurora:** Maleficent actually came from our world, and is still considered one of the greatest Disney Villains of all time. BOY am I glad I’m not alone right now, I’ve had quite enough of hanging about older women, at least a couple of these girls are around my age.

**Jasmine:** Please don’t tell Aladdin about all of this. He’ll worry himself sick over me!

**Sora:** …Oops…

**Jasmine:** I’d like to tell him myself, once I return to Agrabah.

**Sora:** And why don’t you do that right now? It’s still in existence, after all, I made sure of it.

**Jasmine:** Oh hush, silly little boy.

**Sora:** I am a single year younger than you at best! And seriously, you should really think about going home.

**Jasmine:** *bursts into song*  
 _I wanna make my own choices!_  
 _I mean, please, is that so much to ask?!_  
 _But decisions are hard, and I’m being bombarded_  
 _Why can’t somebody help with this arduous task?_

**Sora:** I’m done with you. Alice, I completely understand you not wanting to go back to your own world, shit’s still cray.

**Alice:** Yes, and also somehow I know that this world will disintegrate if we leave in any case.

**Sora:** …BUT I SEALED THE FUCKING KEYHOLE, WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?!

**Alice:** Well we _are_ right next to the End of the World.

**Sora:** Ah, fair enough.

**Snow White:** The darkness took my home, and I have nowhere else to go now. For some reason, none of us ever considered Traverse Town. I do hope my loved ones are safe somewhere.

**Sora:** With luck, they’ll have turned into rocks.

**Snow White:** … *sings softly* _But I wish it was just like it was before_

**All the Princesses:** _I wish it was just like it was before…_

**Sora:** I wash my hands of this weirdness. *leaves the planet again in order to teleport to the library*

~This was seriously the only time in the entire game that I actually appreciated Donald.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Having some computer problems, don't know when the next update will be.** _


	31. So Planets Have Organs Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yo I Don't Own This Shit:** Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged, Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, Pink Floyd, _Monty Python’s The Holy Grail, Firefly, Naruto, Superman: At Earth’s End, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Music Man,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Sora:** Wow, this place looks totally different when I’m not shitting my pants in fear. *goes to talk to people*

**Yuffie:** Ansem and Maleficent were both possessed by the darkness. You know, I just don’t get it. What’s so great about the darkness? *looks around* This is my home, but it just doesn’t feel like it. I don’t remember much, ‘cause I was only a kid. *looks back at Sora* There are no Heartless here, so rest up.

**Sora:** M’kay.

**Yuffie:** We’ve gotta get rid of the Heartless and rebuild this world.

**Sora:** …You just said there weren’t any—

**Yuffie:** IF YOU DON’T EAT YOUR MEAT YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY PUDDING!

**Sora:** Okay. *backs away slowly*

**Yuffie:** *calls after him* HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DON’T EAT YOUR MEAT?!

**Sora:** You terrify me. *goes to talk to Squall*

**Squall:** I AM GLARING AT THIS BOOK.

**Sora:** Oh good, everyone’s sane, everything’s fun.

**Squall:** This was once Ansem’s castle. He was widely respected as a wise man. But darkness took him. He began experimenting with people’s hearts. Heh, some wise man. So much ruin, and for what? *shakes head* We thought this was Maleficent’s doing. But she was just another puppet of darkness. Just like Ansem. The darkness is our real enemy. But how to beat it? Well, first thing’s first. Let’s purge every last Heartless we can find.

**Sora:** I’M WORKING ON IT, OKAY.

**Squall:** I won’t use my real name until this world is restored.

**Sora:** That’s nice for you, Squall.

**Squall:** THAT’S LEON, FOR FUCK’S SAKE CALL ME LEON.

**Sora:** No.

**Squall:** Well fuck you too then.

**Sora:** You make me sad. *goes to talk to Aerith*

**Aerith:** I AM ALSO GLARING AT THIS BOOK.

**Sora:** Fantastic, another one.

**Aerith:** Sora, you should read this.

**Sora:** Read what?

**Aerith:** It’s the rest of Ansem’s report except not really. Maleficent must have collected it.

**Sora:** Oh, right. Nearly forgot about that, I’d been waiting until I got it all so I wouldn’t be as confuzzled.

**Aerith:** Ansem disappeared when this world fell to the darkness. It was believed he died defending people from the Heartless. But Ansem was the one who brought them here.

**Sora:** I’m sure that won’t be important later.

**Aerith:** Ansem waits in darkness. But here’s a little light to protect you, Sora. *upgrades Cura to Curaga*

**Sora:** I COULD USE THIS, THANK YOU KINDLY.

**Aerith:** I believe the worlds can be restored. They are still alive.

**Sora:** That’s nice. *reluctantly looks down at Jiminy’s journal* Let’s take a look at the knowledge here.

**Jiminy:** AT LAST, ALL MY HARD WORK! Now here’s a few other things you can look at as well—

**Sora:** *barely even skims through them just so they’d stop flashing at him* I’m gonna read that so I can ignore it.

**Jiminy:** …

**Sora:** …Wait, how’d we get the twelfth one, I thought we had to fight Sephiroth for that.

**Donald:** And the thirteenth was for beating Xemnas two games early, and we can’t do that till we do some of the stuff on the next planet, yet it’s already here too.

**Aerith:** Oh, that’s true, but then we’d have to break up the pacing by randomly reading the other ones, so I just looked them up online and copied it out for you.

**Sora:** Soooo…you cheated.

**Aerith:** You say that like it’s a bad thing!

**Goofy:** Well, at least now we won’t have to actually fight those two—

**Sora:** You’re hilarious.

**Goofy:** …Gorram it.

**Sora:** *grins widely at Donald and Goofy* Let’s discover the new depths of my lack of knowledge!

**Donald and Goofy:** HUZZAH!

~And now for a complete change in writing style!~

_Ansem’s Report 1_

Much of my life has been dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge. That knowledge has guarded this world well. Not a soul doubts that. I am blessed with my people’s smiles and respect and not a little fear. Plus I don’t have to deal with any pesky womenfolk in any of my departments. What a glorious paradise we live in.

But though I am called a sage, I cannot yet actually enter Sage Mode without looking like a hideous frog-like abomination. Also there are some things that I do not understand. Like why everyone’s so worried about the way we treat Ienzo just because we’re a bunch of older men who routinely give off creepy vibes and experiment on people. Weirdoes.

Anyway. I believe darkness sleeps in every heart, no matter how pure, and I have no reason to suspect otherwise. Given the chance, the smallest drop can spread and swallow the heart. I have witnessed it many times. It’s called people sometimes being assholes. But I am determined to find some kind of scientific explanation so we can rid the world of Internet trolls once and for all.

Darkness…Darkness of the heart. Hence me talking about darkness sleeping in every heart, like, a single paragraph ago.

How is it born? How does it come to affect us so?

As ruler of this world, I must find the answers, on my own, instead of stepping down so that I may concentrate or at the very least delegating the task to someone else so that I can actually fucking govern.

I must find them before the world is lost to those taken by the darkness, or before the planet implodes because of it.

_Ansem Report 2_

It is my duty to expose what this darkness really is. Heh heh, I wrote duty.

I shall conduct the following experiments:

Extract the darkness from a person’s heart. Because, you know, that’s a thing that’s possible. Cultivate the darkness in a pure heart, utterly destroying someone’s life in the process. Both suppress and amplify the darkness within.

The experiments caused the text subjects’ hearts to collapse, including those of the most stalwart. How fragile our hearts are! My treatments produced no signs of recovery. So many dead bodies and the basement can only hold so many. Must talk to that one new recruit in the guard with the Frisbees, he seems to be a bit of a pyro, which is exactly what I need right now.

I confined those who had completely lost their hearts beneath the castle. Some time later, I went below and was greeted by the strangest sight.

They were actually still alive, even after I had that boy burn the shit out of them.

Oops.

Now my basement is infested with strange creatures. Creatures that seemed born of darkness…What are they? Are they truly sentient beings? Could they be the shadows of those who lost their hearts in my experiments?

…WELL LET’S HOPE THEY DON’T PLOT REVENGE OR SOME SHIT.

_Ansem’s Report 3_

The shadows that crawl beneath the castle. Are they the people who lost their hearts, or incarnations of darkness?

Or something entirely beyond imagination?

And didn’t I ask these same questions in the last report? Aren’t these getting a tad repetitive?

All my knowledge has provided no answer.

One thing I am sure of is that they are entirely devoid of emotion. Perhaps further study will unlock the mysteries of the heart. Fortunately, there is no shortage of test samples.  
They are multiplying underground even as I write this report. And even if they weren’t, I still have what remains of my unsuspecting populace who still haven’t noticed their dwindling numbers yet.

They still need a name.

Those who lack hearts…I will call them the Heartless. In no way will this backfire later.

_Ansem’s Report 4_

The Heartless appear in groups and are multiplying rapidly. They seem to appear whenever one comes close to them and disappear once one has run a sufficient distance away. It’s becoming rather irksome, actually.

I’ve provided them both living and nonliving samples. They’ve responded only to the living. They seem to multiply after absorbing something from these living creatures. Their prey vanishes without a trace. Which is good, means less evidence to dispose of for me.

I believe the Heartless are taking hearts. They are born from those who’ve lost their hearts, and thrive on hearts seized from others. The hearts taken by the Heartless become Heartless themselves.

Though I lack proof, I am confident in this hypothesis. I must make more of these to make sure; I am positive that this won’t backfire in any way either.

I must also study their behavioral principles.

Though they lack emotions, they do seem to have some intelligence. How to communicate with them?

It’s just occurred to me: Could they be the darkness in people’s hearts? Could this darkness have merely taken over the heart and turned it into something unrecognizable, instead of making the victim entirely without a heart?

Have I completely misnamed these creatures after all?

_Ansem’s Report 5_

To study Heartless behavior, I picked one out for observation, somehow managing to separate it from the rest without the use of a weapon. In fact, I’m not entirely sure how I’m controlling any of these things without the proper weapons, nor do I know why they aren’t attacking everything in sight. But I digress. My sample wiggled its antennae and, as if sensing a target, headed deep into the castle.

In the deepest part of the castle, its antennae began vibrating, as if searching for something.

Suddenly, a strange door appeared. I’d never known of its existence.

It had a large Keyhole, but didn’t seem to be locked. So, like a smart person, I didn’t send for back-up at all or have one of my expendable guard members go in before the leader of this planet. I opened the door and went in myself, possibly condemning my world to absolute destruction without its leader, but who cares when one is in the pursuit of SCIENCE!

 

 

 

 

 

What I saw on the other side terrified me, enough to leave a massive blank space in my journal for no reason other than dramatic effect.

What was that powerful mass of energy that I’m refusing to describe apart from the fact that it looked like a powerful mass of energy?

That night, I observed a great meteor shower in the sky.

Could it be related to the door I opened? WERE THE EVENTS OF BIRTH BY SLEEP JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN?!

...No, actually, it was like a year later maybe Iunno.

_Ansem’s Report 6_

A massive core of energy lay beyond the door sought by the Heartless. It may well be the ultimate goal of all Heartless. But what is that energy? I have devised a hypothesis, based upon my observations of the Heartless. Again, I have no idea how I’m still alive after all this.

The Heartless feed on others’ hearts, and they yearn for that energy core. That thing beyond the door must be a heart, too — the heart of this world. There is no proof, but having felt that immense energy, I am certain.

That was the heart of the world.

Planets have hearts. This will go over so well with my colleagues.

I mean, I have evidence, but the knowledge of the five layers of the earth are taught in most schools these days, and the core of the planet is supposed to be roughly 5,200 kilometers below the earth’s surface, not able to be easily accessed by just walking through a door, and it should be practically 6,000ºC and thus there is absolutely no way I’d be alive if I’d come within who knows how many kilometers of it.

But I now know that all of that scientific knowledge that has been well-researched for decades is completely unfounded thanks to these evil monsters that I created. The core of all planets is actually an organ found in animals that pumps blood.

OF COURSE! DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT _SCIENCE?!_

The Heartless are trying to take hearts not only from all living creatures, but from the world itself.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made sure that so many of them existed.

But what do they mean to do with the heart of the world?

_Ansem’s Report 7_

I am now studying material from the meteors that rained down that fateful night, in order to take a break from the minions of evil for once. That was getting kind of depressing, and now I can actually remember what sunlight feels like. Also people aren’t asking me as many questions now, which is a nice plus. Can’t have them finding out about my many illegal activities, after all. And I discovered something wacky!

The material is foreign to our world. It is elastic to the touch, and when two pieces are combined, they bond easily. But they’re still immensely frustrating to deal with and I can’t imagine anyone taking much pleasure in designing anything with them.

None of the records I’ve scoured even mention such a substance. Was it introduced to this world when I opened the door?

I wonder how many other such materials drift through the atmosphere of this world…I wish I could soar off and find out! Unfortunately we haven’t invented airplanes yet. I don’t even know what an airplane is, or why I wrote it down.

The hell am I talking about.

Anyway! All this makes me wonder…Could there be uncharted worlds up there? Do we even have any kind of space program or astronomy course whatsoever? Will we someday develop interplanetary travel? WILL A FUTURE UNCHARTED GAME BE SET _**IN SPACE?!**_ My curiosity never ceases to grow. But I should stop speaking of such unrealistic dreams. For now, there is no way to venture outside this world. My people and I are all but prisoners of this tiny place.

God I sound like a whiny emo little bitch.

_Ansem’s Report 8_

There is no doubt that the Heartless are deeply connected to people’s hearts. Further study may unravel both their motivations and the mysteries shrouding the heart. As a start, I have built a device that artificially creates Heartless. Many a time I have patted myself on the back for this move, for I am sure that it can only lead to good.

My advisors have started pestering me about actually running the planet again. I told them where they could stick it. They were muttering something about a reelection, but I paid them no mind. I have the most amazing voice ever and they know it; no one would dare run against me!

By recreating the conditions that spawn the Heartless naturally, I shall be able to produce them artificially. This device is the culmination of all my research thus far. The machine’s test run successfully created a Heartless. This may be a step toward creating a heart from nothing.

Which could help those who need heart transplants immensely, and since not only is there a lack of donors but stem-cell research was also recently banned over my protestations…Holy shit, I _am_ actually working to do some good here!

The artificially and naturally created Heartless showed nearly identical traits. But the two types should remain distinct for the purposes of this experiment. So, I will mark the ones that are created artificially.

I feel like I spent longer working on that symbol than anything else. And then I remembered that I kind of just inverted Master Eraqus's old symbol but whatever...wait, who am I talking about? Meh, who cares. The symbol itself now kind of gives off an evil vibe, but I don’t care, it looks metal as shit.

_Ansem’s Report 9_

Simply astonishing! Today I had a guest from another world. He is a giant, bipedal, talking mouse that wears clothing, and I have a feeling that I’d be more surprised if we didn’t have Scrooge McDuck wandering about the place at will. The mouse claims to be a king, and his vessel is built of the material that composed the meteors. He called the pieces “gummi blocks.” I told him this was a stupid name. He proceeded to kick me in my scrotum. I shall refrain from doing such a thing again. It seemed that my opening that door has opened a path to interplanetary travel.

We talked for countless hours, but one story in particular caught my interest: that of a key called the “Keyblade.” Whether he actually meant Keyblade or χ-blade is unclear. The Keyblade is said to have phenomenal cosmic powers. One legend says its wielder saved the world, while another says that he wrought chaos and ruin upon it. There was no middle ground, though I have a theory that it was originally intended to be a force for good, only so many people sought its power that there was a war over it and people blamed the tool’s existence instead of the folly and greed of man. Figures.

I must know what this Keyblade is. A key opens doors. It must be connected to the door that I have opened, even though that one wasn’t locked.

_Ansem’s Report 10_

Just as people have hearts, so do worlds. The same can be said of the stars in the night sky. Yes, massive balls of gas burning billions of miles away now also have organs that pump blood. Of course they do, why wouldn’t they. And deep within each world lies a door to its heart, because it’s just that easy to go to the center of a planet these days. The Heartless desire those hearts. Born out of the darkness in people’s hearts, they seek to return to a greater heart. They wants it. They needs it. They must have the precious.

Yes, that’s it. The Heartless come from people’s hearts, as does the darkness. As I established many reports ago, I don’t know why I’m treating it as such a big revelaiton now.

 

 

 

 

 

Is the core of the world’s heart the world of the Heartless? Why was our planet in particular chosen for such a location? I will pursue the answer there, and become all-knowing.

The board is set. The pieces are moving. I shall seek out the wielder of the Keyblade, and the princesses that I somehow know about now.

 

 

 

 

 

My body is too frail for such a journey. Maybe I should’ve listened to my assistants and ate occasionally while I worked, and maybe delegated more so that I could rest, but it’s no use thinking about it now. I must do the thing.

 

 

 

 

 

I will become a Heartless myself and plunge into the depths of darkness. AND THEN ALL OF THE SICK BOSS FIGHTS.

_Ansem’s Report 11_

Opening the door to a world’s heart caused its walls to crumble.

These fragments are seen as shooting stars. This explains why these “gummi blocks” can travel freely to other worlds. Because apparently what divided all the separate planets this whole time was fucking rubber. Sure, why the fuck not.

I know the catalyst of this collapse — the appearance of the Heartless. And also me opening the door, as plainly stated not only at the start of this report but in one from earlier as well. However, it will take time to search out the world’s doors, and to retrieve each heart. Like…seven or eight games’ worth or something. Maybe more. Maybe this franchise will never fucking end.

Furthermore, the doors can be locked using a Keyblade, making the heart forever unattainable. I must take action before the wielder of this key appears in this world. They might actually want to stop the planets from imploding, and we can’t have that!

If the princesses and the Keyblade are connected, they should resonate. Again, I don’t know how I know all this shit. Maybe that mouse guy told me, or maybe it was the Spock-like voice in my head that occasionally tells me to burn things. I’m confused as to which Ansem I’m supposed to be at this point.

I’ve chosen a girl, and possibly conducted horrific experiments on her. But it’s fine, she had reddish hair and everyone knows their kind don’t possess souls anyway. I don’t know if she holds the princesses’ powers, but I will find out. She may lead me to the key bearer.

I shall set her free and observe. Thankfully her grandmother just assumed she’d run off to play in the flowers and didn’t believe her when she talked about the strange men poking her with sharp implements. Or chose not to. Either way, I’m in the clear, thank Merlin. Say, I haven’t talked to that guy in a while…

_Ansem’s Report 12_

The body is gone; I assume my body; the heart should have returned to the Heartless. And yet, nothing. Fiddlesticks.

This one is unlike any other. Its memories remain, and it has yet to take the form of a Heartless. Or else it’s a Heartless that’s happened to take the shape of a person. Such a phenomenon has never been recorded before, at least not by me.

A close eye must be kept on the situation. I don’t know how since I’m pretty sure I’m talking about my own heart succumbing to the darkness, but at any rate, much is still unknown. And getting more and more convoluted by the minute.

To get to the realm of Darkness, one must go through the doors of Kingdom Hearts, the place where the world’s hearts connect. No idea how it got that name or, once again, how I even know about it.

OHMYGODIMFUCKING _PSYCHIC!_

Beyond this world is a place in which Darkness with a capital D that rhymes with P that stands for pool reigns supreme. (Details shall be archived in a separate report. Possibly next game. Except not because that’s that other guy. Who even knows anymore.)

There are many worlds in existence, some of which we know nothing about because we hadn’t seen that particular movie in like fifteen years or more.

The world in which we live. The realm of Darkness. The realm of Light.

And the world in between.

Wherein lies true nirvana?

And why the fuck am I even talking about nirvana, anyway? Was that what I was trying to achieve this whole time?! If so, why is this the first fucking time I’m even bringing it up?! THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE SECTION JESUS CHRIST.

_Ansem’s Report 13_

Where does the body go when it separates from the heart? If the soul remains within the body, is it still considered to be deceased? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure humans can’t really survive without a heart for an extended period of time. Then again I’ve just come to the conclusion that entire planets are fueled by blood-pumping animalistic organs as well so what the hell should I know.

When the heart returns to the Heartless, the physical form disappears. But that is merely true in this world. Perhaps the body exists in another form in another world. Perhaps they will become corporeal in roughly a year’s time.

If that is the case, then it is possible for one person to exist in two worlds. I should put my faith in what I most believe in. Two worlds…One family. A person can exist in two places at once. Cloning is possible without the use of stem cells.

A being that is neither darkness nor light; belonging nowhere; abandoned by its heart; a mere shell of its former self.

The relation between the heart and body is complex. However, I am certain that if your self exists here, then by definition, the other cannot truly “exist.” And I am absolutely right in this fact and not one person can or should argue against me and I refuse to hear any other opinion that does not coincide with my own.

…Huh. With one of these forms I’ve taken, at least one of them would be a great philosophy professor.

The other, the one which does not exist, shall be dubbed, “Nobody.” Even though it’s made from the body that lacks a heart, whereas the creatures that I’ve dubbed “Heartless” are the ones who lack bodies.

…Conclusion: I may have fucked up.

OH WELL, TOO LATE NOW.

~…So planets officially have humanoid organs now. Hate to see what happens if the kidneys failed.~

**Sora:** …Well that was confusing as shit.

**Donald:** I agree. Let’s just finish the game and agonize over everything in three parodies’ time.

**Goofy:** Right behind ya! A-hyuk!

~ONE MORE PLANET LEFT and still a shitton of sidequests but ONE MORE PLANET LEFT YOU GUYS!~


	32. ESTUANS INTERIUS IRA VEHEMENTI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yo I Don't Own This Either** "End of the world as we know it," Bonds Beyond Time Abridged, _Firefly, Harry Potter,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Eternal Darkness,_ Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, A Very Potter Musical, _Attack on Titan, Dragonball Z, The Hobbit, Airplane!,_ Order of the Phoenix Rifftrax, _Naruto, The Producers, Farscape, Pokémon: The First Movie, Gurren Lagann, The Simpsons,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~ONE FINAL FUCKING GUMMI SHIP RIDE LATER~

**Sora:** We are no longer flying into a swirling vortex of terror. We are now flying into a black void with a creepy purplish light as the only physical thing apart from the deadly gunships. Noooooot too sure what freaks me out more, to be honest…

**Goofy:** What’s more, the world we’ve been looking for already looks like it’s at least partially exploded and is just barely clinging to a pinkish, gaseous form.

**Sora:** Oh yeah, this looks safe. This looks great. *lands with the others* Hey, a save point we can use so we never have to take that route again!

**Goofy:** Finally given up on that Platinum, eh?

**Sora:** Eh, maybe when we’ve already finished the game months ago and I feel like torturing myself for days on end.

**Goofy:** Fucking finally…

**Sora:** The hell do we have to walk forward these ten steps for the cutscene to start…Okay, I take it back. _This_ is one of the coolest worlds I’ve ever seen.

**Goofy:** I like how we don’t even have to properly start yet, and how we can kind of just fuck off if we don’t think we’re ready.

**Sora:** Nah, we’ve done basically everything else. Let’s just do this. *steps forward*

**Title Card:** *bursts into song* _It’s the End of the World as we know it—_

**Sora:** Why is it just the end of _this_ world, shouldn’t it technically be the end of _all_ the worlds?

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, are those little rocks in the middle of this giant endless ocean we can somehow walk on that ends in a giant white abyss underneath a pink and purple sky the only things left of the worlds that were taken by the Heartless? ‘Cause, actually, this isn’t so bad.

**Donald:** Yeah, it’s actually kind of pretty, here.

**Sora:** Makes a nice change from every other world we’ve seen, that’s for sure.

**Goofy:** We should probably stop, though, I’m sure it’s supposed to be threatening.

**Sora:** Look at all the pretty lights!

**Donald:** Goofy’s right, we should stop being impressed by the End of the World.

**Sora:** Fine, fine. All those planets, though…I wonder if a fragment of my islands is here as well. Do you really think they’ll all really burst back into existence once we murder Ansem?

**Donald:** Except for all the worlds in BBS that we never travel to, and the ones you and Riku’ll have to personally restore in 3D, you betcha!

**Sora:** But, if we do beat him, saving the universe and countless lives and planets in the process…what’s going to happen to _this,_ for lack of a better word, planet? And to the people who are on it? Meaning us?

**Donald:** Either we get sent back to our respective worlds, or…

**Goofy:** This is a world that’s entirely created by the Heartless, so maybe it’ll explode and just stay exploded?

**Sora and Donald:** But would we explode too or be sent back to Traverse Town assuming we don’t get turned into a rock?

**Goofy:** No idea. BUT AS LONG AS OUR HEARTS SURVIVE, WE’LL BE ABLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH, NO MATTER WHAT. I JUST KNOW IT. BELIEVE IN ME. BELIEVE IN THE ME THAT BELIEVES IN YOU.

**Sora:** You make a compelling nonsensical argument, Goofy. *looks down at the Oathkeeper Keychain* I feel like I should keep this equipped, but…fuck it, I don’t want this to get damaged. I have to return it, after all. *keeps Divine Rose equipped and steps out onto…basically thin air* Why am I kicking up purple sparkles with every step I take—HOLY FUCK DARK PURPLE ENERGY BALL OF DEATH IS DESCENDING FROM THE HEAVENS.

**Donald:** And it transported to a place made of sand and crystals to fight those guys we demolished back in the Hades Cup.

**Goofy:** At least we know this world’ll be relatively easy what with how high our levels are.

**Sora:** I guess—HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS MUSIC IT’S OFFICIAL THIS IS THE BEST WORLD. But why can’t I get the chest?

**Donald:** Guess we had to fade back to reality first. Or whatever passes for reality in this place.

**Sora:** Guess so—CURSE YOU INVISIBLE WALLS!

**Goofy:** Guess we have to go around using the treasure chests as guide posts and occasionally getting transported to different dimensions in order to fight monsters.

**Sora:** What, they wanna cram in _more_ levels before we finish—WHY ARE SOME OF THE TREASURE CHESTS TRAPS THAT MAKE US KILL MORE MONSTERS I HATE EVERYTHING.

**Donald:** Oh look, another Behemoth.

**Sora:** GORRAMIT! WHY ARE THERE TWO, I HATE THIS PLACE—Ooooh, shiny.

**Goofy:** This place was just made for gliding, wasn’t it.

**Sora:** It looks like the convenient sandy outcroppings do have the occasional treasure chest on them, but what’s with the lit wires connecting everything that are completely incorporeal when I try to phase through them, why are crystals jutting out everywhere, and why can we now climb massive spider-webs?

**Donald:** It’s pretty, it’s pretty, reasons unknown, and just be thankful that we don’t have to fight anything in this entire area.

**Sora:** Good point.

**Goofy:** I wonder where that Ansem feller went.

**Sora:** …It’s been so long that I nearly forgot we were looking to beat his ass in addition to saving the universe.

**Donald:** Find the most dangerous, fucked-up miasma that you can, and he’ll probably be there.

**Sora:** Sick. But first, treasure.

**Donald:** Fine with me, I do not mind delaying this.

~Several hours of flying around later…~

**Sora:** MERLIN’S SAGGY LEFT TESTICLE THAT WAS COMPLICATED. And why does the floor look like a white shiny sparkly vein?

**Goofy:** And why is there a mystical pool of _light_ at the bottom of this area, I thought we were descending into _darkness._

**Sora:** What the fuck? What the fuck is that?!

**Donald:** That?

**Sora:** Yeah!

**Donald:** I don’t know!

**Sora:** Go put your dick in it!

**Donald:** …Look, the last time I did…

**Goofy:** Oh for the love of… *saves for them and jumps in*

**Sora:** I’ve got a sneaking suspicion I’m gonna hate this…Oh. An area surrounded by jutting rocks that look like teeth with a blue shiny spot on the far side. I expected something more terrifying.

**Goofy:** Shut up and touch the blue light.

**Sora:** M’kay. Touch—I JUST LEARNED HOW TO APPARATE!

**Donald:** Why do you keep yelling things?

**Sora:** To get my point across.

**Donald:** That’s nice, now shut up and walk into the purple pillar of flame that stands before us.

**Sora:** Aww…Traverse Town? Oh, it’s like Nowhere at the end of Silent Hill 1, we randomly revisit one old room per area for a really confusing “Yo You’re Nearly At The End Of The Game” montage. Sick. ENEMY FIGHT TIEM! *fights enemies* And we get random synthesis items, nice. NEXT! *breezes through Wonderland and Olympus* The hell is that chest…Oh sure, hide it behind the dude’s leg. That’s nice. *proceeds to Deep Jungle* …We get a bit of a challenge in other worlds that have Defenders and Wizards and shit…And this world just has three waves of monkeys. Oh yeah, the stakes sure are rising. OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED THAT I HAVEN’T COME ACROSS ANY BLACK LOADING SCREENS THIS IS AMAYZAH. Wait…We just went through Agrabah, Atlantica, and Halloween Town. I didn’t see Monstro anywhere, did you guys?

**Donald:** We never sealed Monstro’s Keyhole.

**Sora:** …Were we supposed to?

**Goofy:** I think you have to wait a year or so before it has to be sealed twice by both you and Riku.

**Sora:** Oh, okay, that makes sense.

**Goofy:** Passing over why we can’t fly in Neverland, I’m just glad Donald and I got some sick new weapons in this world.

**Sora:** Yep, and for some reason we had the least amount of enemies to fight as well. Oooh, green flames!

**Donald:** What’s this place?

**Sora:** It was an area inside that storybook I went into.

**Goofy:** It’s really nice here!

**Sora:** Yeah, if you get rid of the people living here, I can see how it’s kind of pleasant.

**Donald:** …Aaaaaaand the next area’s got red flames of death. This is getting implausibly evil.

**Sora:** Relax, it’s just another area that we’ve never seen before that holds the same monsters we’ve been fighting this whole time. *stares at terrifying machine that seems to pump purple and green energy onto a giant glass ball thing, and also seems to be disintegrating into the blackness the longer they stare at it* Hey, this machine says something… 

_Ones born of the heart and darkness, devoid of hearts, ravage all worlds and bring desolation._

_Seize all hearts and consummate the great heart. All hearts to be one, one heart to encompass all. One heart to rule them all; One heart to find them; One heart to bring them all; And in the darkness bind them; In the Land of the End of the World where the shadows lie._

_Realize the destiny: the franchise of Kingdom Hearts. The great darkness sealed within the great heart._

_Progeny of Darkness, come back to the Eternal Darkness. Pargon Pargon Pargon._

_For the heart of light shall unseal the path. Apparently to darkness. Have fun with that._

_Seven hearts, one Keyhole, one key to the door. That has been sealed. We might be talking about a different thing now._

_The door of darkness, tied by two keys._

_The door of darkness to seal the light. Which might be a hint that there’s light behind the door._

_None shall pass but shadows, returning to the darkness._

_Ones born of the heart and darkness, hunger for every heart until the dark door opens. No pressure._

**Sora:** …There’s no plaque or anything here, where the hell am I reading this from.

**Donald:** Yay, more enemies.

**Goofy:** Let’s get out of here—where did the giant pillar of flames go?

**Sora:** No idea. LET’S JUMP INTO THIS BLUE-ISH HOLE AND FIND OUT, SHALL WE!

**Donald:** But I don’t wanna.

**Sora:** Well you gotta go further.

**Goofy:** Well I really don’t want to, though!

**Sora:** You’re gonna have to, though.

**Donald and Goofy:** I hate everything. *jump in after him*

**Sora:** Oh good, we remembered how to fly…I know that music…

**Chernabog:** Hey, remember when I was the final boss before everything became needlessly complicated? NEITHER DO I! LET’S DO THIS!

**Sora:** …I love this game. So, so much.

**Donald:** At least this Winged Abnormal can be defeated like any other Titan. *helps Sora bash it in the back of the neck for the entire fight*

**Chernabog:** AND NOW I’M ON FUCKING FIRE! *is lit up by purple flames that consume it utterly*

**Sora:** And now we can glide faster, awesome.

**Donald:** Now what?

**Goofy:** We descend into the mountain, I guess, and then into one of these cave openings that are, once again, _SURROUNDED BY BLINDING LIGHT WHAT EVEN IS I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING_ _**INTO DARKNESS WHAT EVEN IS THE POINT.**_

**Sora:** You’re just saying that because we’ve been told about how horrible darkness is and how good light is throughout the game and yet the farther down we go the more we’re blinded by the light more than anything else.

**Goofy:** …Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

**Sora:** Fucking platforms, I’m _trying_ to fall to my death here…Whoa.

**Donald:** It looks like the remains of a world that fell to shit.

**Sora:** And it looks _sick. As. Fuck._ Hey cool, awesome-looking glowing green floor this one has—

**Behemoth:** HAI GAIS!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** GAH! *proceed to beat the shit out of it, _like with all the others_ *

**Door shaped like Heartless symbol:** *breaks slightly*

**Sora:** Oh I can’t open the Heartless-symbol-shaped door. Probably because there’s a nameless horror within.

**Wave after wave of Heartless:** ‘SUP, BITCHES!

**Sora:** Oh good. *slaughters them all*

**Door shaped like Heartless symbol:** *dissolves completely*

**Goofy:** Now that the door has realized you killed everything…

**Donald:** Eh, you can leave I guess.

**Goofy:** You’re a pretty tough guy. I have to say.

**Donald:** We’ll give you a free pass.

**Save Point:** Well done. You entered a room.

**Sora:** FINALLY, A FUCKING SAVE POINT—Hey. I know that door. Huh?

**Donald:** What’s wrong?

**Sora:** Don’t you hear something?

**Donald:** Only the amazeballs background music.

**Sora:** …I admit I actually didn’t hear anything either, it was just a set-up for dialogue to actually eventually occur.

**Donald:** Well that’s a stupid gimmick.

**Sora:** You don’t have to tell me. But wait, here it is!

**King Mickey:** There’s no turning back from this spot. If there is anything, _anything_ you haven’t done yet, now’s the time to backtrack and do all the sidequests. There won’t be any shops, save points, or anything else to help you. Once you die, you’ll have to do the whole thing all over again.

**Sora:** Save here, dick around collecting synthesizable items, craft Ultima, beat the Ice Titan and go through the Hades Cup on solo and to beat the time limit, get to level 100, beat Sephiroth, come back and save the universe. Got it.

**King Mickey:** But don’t be afraid.

**Sora:** I’m not.

**King Mickey:** Your heart is the mightiest weapon of all.

**Sora:** My heart in particular is strongest in the universe, or my heart’s my best weapon for me personally?

**King Mickey:** It’s not a hundred percent clear. Just remember, you are the one who will open the door to the light three games from now.

**Donald:** Who’re you talking to?

**Sora:** Your King, supposedly, but I guess only Keyblade wielders can hear him.

**Donald:** That makes sense. Which is still sad, as Goofy and I would’ve liked some acknowledgement, but it’s still understandable. Still, maybe you’d better take a rest. Which is a transparent hint for you to use the massive save point right behind you one last time.

**Sora:** Just did. AND NOW BACK TO OLYMPUS COLISEUM!

**Donald:** Damn it, you’re not even gonna use the Diamond Dust Keyblade once you craft Ultima! Why are you even doing this?!

**Sora:** To get experience, and also for the trophy.

**Goofy:** …I nailed something into a wall correctly; I need fanfare.

**Sora:** Exactly! But seriously, after this playthrough, the _only_ one I need is the Gummi Ship Collector one.

**Goofy:** Which we established you’d never get, as even if Monstro wasn’t fucking with you on half of them, getting through the other half would be like trying to piss into a shotglass that’s spinning on a record player, that’s strapped to a running cheetah’s back.

**Donald:** On fire.

**Sora:** *sighs heavily* I know, I know…But I’m still doing the Ice Abnormal. You guys don’t have to.

**Donald:** Good, you go have fun.

**Sora:** I _shall!_ *selects ????? from Phil’s menu* OH SHIT THAT ONE WAS SEPHIROTH SOFT RESET _SOFT RESET __**SOFT RESET!**___

__**Sephiroth:** …Pussy._ _

__**Sora:** Okay, here we go._ _

__**Ice Titan:** *grabs the wall of the Coliseum with both hands before towering above it* And on that day, Sora received a grim reminder…_ _

__**Sora:** Oh wow, never saw that reference coming. And don’t flatter yourself; you are _not_ as tall as the Colossal. You’re barely the height of the Armored or Rouge._ _

__**Ice Titan:** Oh fuck off. *throws ice at Sora*_ _

__**Sora:** Ah, one of these. *uses Guard to deflect them back* Huh, I’ve barely used this move all game, I just realized. *jumps and flies away as icicles jut out of the ground*_ _

__**Ice Titan:** …Why is my own ice hurting me? *hunches over*_ _

__**Sora:** I don’t know, I don’t pretend to understand how Abnormals work. *Glides forward and bashes him in the face*_ _

__**Ice Titan:** You have angered me. I shall now breathe ice at you._ _

__**Sora:** And I shall continue to fly over it._ _

__**Ice Titan:** Why am I still shooting ice bullets at you, I know for a fact that the only way you have any hope of defeating me is by shooting them back at me. *tries throwing ice balls from above onto Sora’s head*_ _

__**Sora:** DODGE ROLL, MOTHAFUCKAH! *keeps hitting the ice bullets back at the Ice Titan* You know, this fight is more annoying than anything else, just ‘cause it takes so long. *manages to get him to kneel so he can bash him in the face again*_ _

__**Ice Titan:** Damn it…Kaaaaa…Meeeeeee…_ _

__**Sora:** Oh no._ _

__**Ice Titan:** HAAAA… _MEEEE_ … **HAAAAAAAAAA!** *shoots ice out of his hands*_ _

__**Sora:** HOW DID I DODGE THAT._ _

__**Ice Titan:** …That’s kinda all I got, we’re on repeat now._ _

__**Sora:** Oh joy. *kills it*_ _

__**Ice Titan:** …Shit. *foot breaks off* Well that’s not cool._ _

__**Sora:** I’m taller than you now._ _

__**Ice Titan:** The _shit_ does that work._ _

__**Sora:** Comedic effect, I guess?_ _

__**Ice Titan:** Not really._ _

__**Sora:** Maybe not for you. *moves to step on him*_ _

__**Ice Titan:** *dodges and peaces out*_ _

__**Sora:** *stares at new Keyblade* It’s really weak, but it ups my magic and it looks pretty I guess. Think I’ll just stick with Divine Rose until I get Ultima. Oh right, I should craft Ultima. *goes around collecting items until he can craft Ultima* Huzzah, I’ve crafted Ultima, AND IT’S THE SICKEST SHIT WHY COULDN’T I GET THIS EARLIER THIS IS AMAZING. Imma fight that new enemy in Hollow Bastion with this!_ _

__**Goofy:** Don’t we have a universe to save?_ _

__**Sora:** THERE’S NO TIME! WE MUST AWAY! ERE BREAK OF DAY!_ _

__**Donald:** Why do we even bother with this guy._ _

__**Sora:** *warps back to the Castle Chapel* Llllllladies—HOLY SHIT. Tell me I’m not the only one who sees the evil-looking Purple Portal of DeathTM._ _

__**Cinderella:** Could the appearance of that gate be a bad omen?_ _

__**Sora:** OH THANK MERLIN._ _

__**Aurora:** I sense something coming from that gate, a presence I have not felt since…But it’s not the darkness. It’s a completely different power altogether._ _

__**Sora, Donald, Goofy, Cinderella, Jasmine, Alice, and Snow White:** It’s a completely different power._ _

__**Aurora:** I hate all of you. But anyway, that power may be even more dangerous than the darkness._ _

__**Sora:** Wait, how can it be _different_ from the darkness when for all intents and purposes it’s the exact same—_ _

__**Jasmine:** We could suppress the power if it were the darkness. But this is different. It’s a force unlike the darkness…Hence it not being the actual darkness. A force different from both light and darkness._ _

__**Sora:** …Uh-huh…?_ _

__**Jasmine:** No, that’s it._ _

__**Sora:** …OKAY, NEXT PRINCESS. You, the one who should not be a princess._ _

__**Alice:** And fuck you too. But what is this feeling? It’s different from the darkness as previously established. So, like, be careful or something._ _

__**Snow White:** There is an ominous presence beyond the gate._ _

__**Sora:** All of you have been so helpful today. SO LET’S DO THIS._ _

__**Goofy:** Huh boy._ _

__**Beast:** I’m here too, apparently._ _

__**Sora:** You mean I could’ve swapped you in instead?! Aw damn it…_ _

__**Person who is clearly Xemnas:** I am fading in and out like a boss._ _

__**Sora:** Did you guys hear somethi—WHAT THE FUCK. GUYS SOMETHING JUST WENT RIGHT THROUGH ME._ _

__**Donald:** Well that’s what you get from eating at Taco Bell._ _

__**Sora:** I HADN’T EATEN IN OVER SEVENTY-FIVE HOURS, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME._ _

__**Xemnas:** Here, have a montage of quotes that you’ve said all throughout the game._ _

__**Sora:** *falls on his ass* And here I was expecting something cool and vague from the sequel games or something._ _

__**Xemnas:** No, that would require effort._ _

__**Sora:** Who are you and why are you in this game now._ _

__**Xemnas:** They didn’t give me a voice actor for this game._ _

__**Sora:** Aww, poor baby._ _

__**Xemnas:** It seems that you’re a sarcastic little shit, too._ _

__**Goofy:** Ansem, is that you? Why are your subtitles vibrating?_ _

__**Xemnas:** Hang on, I know that name. Why do I know that name? *summons a ball of electricity in his hands* It’s strange. You remind me of him a bit._ _

__**Sora:** Is that a compliment or an insult?_ _

__**Xemnas:** SITH LIGHTNING!_ _

__**Sora:** I STILL HAVE GUARD EQUIPPED! *blocks lightning, deflecting it into the wall*_ _

__**Xemnas:** Way to damage private property, doucheface. Also you seem to be missing a part of yourself. You are incomplete. Which is defined by missing something._ _

__**Sora:** Very good, have a cookie._ _

__**Xemnas:** …I beat you up now._ _

__**Sora:** Fine by me._ _

__**Xemnas:** *turns into a giant ball of nonspecific back stuff* EAT MY NONSPECIFIC BLACK STUFF!_ _

__**Sora:** Oh shit! *dives out of the way*_ _

__**Xemnas:** These red beams of light jutting from my hands are totally not lightsabers, whatever are you talking about?_ _

__**Sora:** Dude, it’s okay, Disney owns Star Wars now, you can call them what they are again!_ _

__**Xemnas:** Really? Well that’s good to know. Also good luck getting past this little shield I put up._ _

__**Sora:** You mean the one that only blocks one side of you that can easily be circumvented in order to attack you directly?_ _

__**Xemnas:** …I can also summon massive balls of electric energy. You can’t handle my balls!_ _

__**Sora:** *once again dives to the side and beats him to shit*_ _

__**Xemnas:** Okay, that’s it. *traps Sora in a black ball of death that he can only escape from if he completes a timed puzzle*_ _

__**Sora:** Fuck, I suck at timed puzzles! And this completely fucked up my attack menu as well, I can’t even cast Curaga anymore! *just waits for the attack to end so he can keep fighting*_ _

__**Xemnas:** CIRCLE OF BRIGHT BLUE LIGHT BULLETS NO JUTSU!_ _

__**Sora:** …Superglide no jutsu? I guess? Also I thought you were also obsessed with darkness, why are your attacks so brightly lit._ _

__**Xemnas:** Because shut up._ _

__**Sora:** WOULD YOU STOP TURNING INTO THAT NONSPECIFIC BLACK STUFF, YOU WON’T EVEN _HAVE_ HALF THESE POWERS IN FUTURE GAMES!_ _

__**Xemnas:** Maybe I do still have these abilities. Maybe I just unequipped them._ _

__**Sora:** Oh you bitch._ _

__**Xemnas:** Fuck it. *encircles himself in giant ball of light an shoots laser beams everywhere*_ _

__**Sora:** …Yeah, I’m just gonna glide around that, so if you’ll excuse me…_ _

__**Xemnas:** CONFOUND IT, HOW CAN I SHOOT YOU IF YOU KEEP MOVING! *shoots a barrage of red laser bullets at Sora who outflies all of them* Damn it, time for some fancy sword-work. *does fancy sword work*_ _

__**Sora:** Yeah, I kind of think I’m beating you._ _

__**Xemnas:** FREEZE! OR I’LL FILL YOUR GUTS WITH…LITTLE RED BOLTS OF LIGHT!_ _

__**Sora:** Boy am I glad I got Curaga from Aerith, I am spamming the shit out of it right now. Also you’re dead._ _

__**Ansem—SHIT I LITERALLY JUST TYPED ANSEM WHEN I MEANT XEMNAS WHAT THE SHIT:** Damn it… *is kind of exploding into electricity* And now I’m not. *waves his hand; is no longer exploding* Impressive. I definitely have something to tell him when I see him on the beach later for a conversation he’ll mostly forget until it’s too late._ _

__**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?_ _

__**Beast:** I’m apparently back now._ _

__**Xemnas:** The official sequel will be most enjoyable._ _

__**Sora:** No one ever knows what you’re talking about. *tries to swipe at him one last time*_ _

__**Xemnas:** *fades in and out of existence*_ _

__**Sora:** …Surprised you didn’t do that during the fight so I couldn’t harm you at all._ _

__**Xemnas:** …Well I’m a dumbass. I mean, all of this is a meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing._ _

__**Sora:** …Are you related to that guy in the brown trench coat that somehow qualifies as a heart?_ _

__**Xemnas:** Oh you have _no_ idea. Ja ne!_ _

__**Sora:** See you later — Wait, what’s with the sudden Japanese—_ _

__**Xemnas:** Disapparate!_ _

__**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Beast:** *shield eyes* Ah, magic!_ _

__**Xemnas:** I am but a mere shell._ _

__**Sora:** You looked humanoid to me, ya fuckin’ weeaboo._ _

__**Xemnas:** Oh fuck off._ _

__**Sora:** Well that was useless—EXP NECKLACE THIS IS THE BEST SHIT IN THE WORLD COME ON GUYS WE’RE DOING HADES CUP-RELATED SHENANIGANS FOR THE NEXT TWENTY LEVELS._ _

__**Donald:** Oh good._ _

__**Goofy:** At least we won’t have to deal with his constant bitching for at least one playthrough._ _

__**Donald:** True ‘nuff._ _

__~FOUR AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS LATER.~_ _

__**Goofy:** How is the universe not completely demolished yet._ _

__**Sora:** *equips the best accessories that he can and fills his item slots with Megalixers* …Okay…Okay, I can do this… *ignores the piss streaming down his leg as he goes to save before talking to Phil and requesting the other slot marked ?????* …This was a horrible idea, why am I doing this. Oh god why is it the arena from the last part of the Hades Cup, that just adds to the creepy._ _

__**Giant summoning array:** *appears in the sky*_ _

__**Beam of light:** *juts out of it toward the floor of the arena*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** *has his back to Sora as he slowly stands up and unfurls his wing*_ _

__**Remix of One Winged Angel:** *starts playing*_ _

__**Sora:** …Gonna be honest, I preferred the remix in Advent Children—oh no he knows I’m here I just pissed fear._ _

__**Sephiroth:** I know, I can smell it from here. *prepares to draw sword* Shall we?_ _

__**Sora:** Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god…_ _

__**Sephiroth:** *almost immediately conjures three giant pillars of flames*_ _

__**Sora:** *superglides out of the way and dodge rolls away from his next sword swing* THE PURPLE BAR ISN’T EVEN GOING DOWN WHAT ARE YOU. *manages to get some hits in*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** By the way, I can teleport._ _

__**Sora:** Of course you can. Oh _now_ the purple bar starts to decrease, how lovely._ _

__**Sephiroth:** Indeed, I’m barely into the pink and you’ve already used up half your magic. At least I’m giving you a fair amount back by beating you into submission._ _

__**Sora:** I CAN SEE TAN! I MIGHT ACTUALLY DO THIS AFTER ALL!_ _

__**Sephiroth:** Not if I unleash _this_ move—_ _

__**Sora:** YOU CAN’T DO THIS! I WON’T LET YOU! *superglides as fast as he can and deals some more damage before Sephiroth can unleash that attack*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** …Fine, I’ll just run around and teleport and slash at you from all angles, then._ _

__**Sora:** *spams Curaga like whoa while still getting a few hits in*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** Come, stars! *sword grows slightly longer and the sky darkens as he unleashes a combo on…mostly air, Sora Dodge Rolls away from most of it*_ _

__**Sora:** Damn it. *uses Megalixer* Okay, come at me br—WHOA! *runs away from more pillars of flame*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** Time to start that technique again—_ _

__**Sora:** NO IT ISN’T! *stops it again* I see light green…THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE POSSIBLE!_ _

__**Sephiroth:** Really, how long must we continue this dance?_ _

__**Sora:** As long as it takes me to KILL YOU!_ _

__**Sephiroth:** They’ll find another bullshit way to revive me and you know it._ _

__**Sora:** Eh, you’re probably right. HOLY SHIT I SEE DARK GREEN I’M DOING IT I’M ACTUALLY DOING IT!_ _

__**Sephiroth:** Yes, that’s nice for you. *starts surrounding himself in pink energy*_ _

__**Sora:** …What are you doin—OH GOD! *cannot escape the energy balls that suddenly surround and attack him* Jesus, there goes another Megalixer…You did not just summon five Meteors._ _

__**Sephiroth:** Even if I did, they pale in comparison to this Spirit Bomb I just summoned._ _

__**Sora:** WHOA SHIT. *uses Curaga. Twice*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** And I am still glowing evilly and am trailing dark energy balls as I continuously come at you with my big long sword._ _

__**Sora:** …Fuck. *continues to spam Curaga while landing a hit when and if he can*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** THE FLOOR IS LAVA NO JUTSU!_ _

__**Sora:** Damn it… *takes another Megalixer* I’m almost done…He’s down to his last green health bar…I can do this…I believe in the me…that believes… **IN** _**MYSELF!**_ *lands the final blow* I…I did it…I ACTUALLY DID IT! HA HA! *collapses to the floor, giggling madly and gasping for air* _I BEAT SEPHIROTH!__ _

__**Sephiroth:** *staggers back, clutching his chest* Yes, good for you. *flies into the air and becomes a giant ball of light that slowly dissolves*_ _

__**Sora:** …Cool. Hey, another new Keyblade! Apt name for it. Not gonna use it, though._ _

__**Cloud:** Why is the arena blank now? And where did that boy suddenly disappear off to? Hmph…No matter._ _

__**Dark blue feather:** *falls from the sky*_ _

__**Cloud:** Oh. This guy again._ _

__**Sephiroth:** HI CLOUD! MISS ME?_ _

__**Cloud:** …Not particularly. Though I _have_ been looking for you._ _

__**Sephiroth:** As have I._ _

__**Cloud:** …You’ve been looking…for yourself?_ _

__**Sephiroth:** Wha—no, I’ve been looking for _you!__ _

__**Cloud:** Ohhh. Well, as long as you exist, I can never wake up from this nightmare._ _

__**Sephiroth:** You mean until people who write you start to allow you to be yourself again, you’ll never wake up from this nightmare?_ _

__**Cloud:** YOU ARE THE DARKNESS WITHIN ME._ _

__**Sephiroth:** *stretches out his arms* Oh, so you want me _inside_ you, do you?_ _

__**Cloud:** Enough with the homoerotic subtext, our fangirls do that enough._ _

__**Sephiroth:** Of course. How ‘bout you join me in my eternal nightmare, untarnished by light._ _

__**Cloud:** Bypassing the fact that I _just said_ that I don’t want to be in this nightmare anymore, didja miss the fact that you exploded into _light_ when that kid sliced you up?_ _

__**Sephiroth:** Eh, details._ _

__**Cloud:** *raises sword and begins crackling with red sexual energy*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** *prepares to draw his sword and starts crackling with blue sexual energy*_ _

__**Both of them:** *leap forward and engage in an actually pretty sick swordfight*_ _

__**Sephiroth:** *flies above Cloud* Wait, since when did you get a wing?_ _

__**Cloud:** No idea. *attacks him again and the screen fades to white*_ _

__**Tetsuya Nomura:** BET YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE THE REST OF THAT FIGHT!_ _

__**Fans:** Yeah, but then again we also want a remake, so we expect to be disappointed, really._ _

__**Tetsuya Nomura:** YOU MEAN LIKE HOW WE'RE TOTALLY FUCKING REMAKING IT?!_ _

__**Fans:** _HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY PS4S YOU'VE JUST SOLD MERELY BY ANNOUNCING THAT SHIT.__ _

__**Sora:** *unaware of everything* GUYS I DID THE THING! LET’S COMPLETELY IGNORE THE FACT THAT I HAD TO SOFT RESET NINE TIMES IN A ROW AFTER HE UTTERLY DESTROYED ME TIME AND TIME AGAIN!_ _

__**Donald:** That’s great, we’re all maxed out and you’re a happy little puppy. _CAN WE SAVE THE UNIVERSE NOW?!__ _

__**Sora:** Meh, why not, I’ve got nothing better to do._ _

__**Donald:** *incoherent scream of rage*_ _

__**Goofy:** At least we talked him out of doing the Gummi missions._ _

__**Sora:** You know, now that you mention it—_ _

__**Goofy:** _D’OH!__ _

__~CONCLUSION NEXT WEEK, BITCHES!~_ _


	33. Straight Outta Berserk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **BOY DO I NOT OWN THIS SHIT:** _The Dark Knight, Berserk, Thor 2: The Dark World,_ Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Zaibatsu, _Attack on Titan, Lord of the Rings,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Film Brain, _Sonic, Saturday Night Live, Buckaroo Banzai, Gurren Lagann, Farscape,_ Nostalgia Critic, Code MENT, _Futurama,_ Some Jerk With A Camera, _Harry Potter,_ and anything ever created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~AWRIGHT, LET’S FINISH THIS BITCH!~

**Sora:** M’kay, time to move the fuck on already, I guess. *takes a deep breath* And here…we… _go!_ *opens the door*

**Door:** *is opened*

**Light:** *bursts forth*

**Sora:** Hey, that guy told me there was no light beyond this point! There’s nothing _but_ light here! Wait…This beach…My islands?! Jesus, everything is exactly the same! Donald, Goofy, welcome to my home planet!

**Goofy:** It’s probably just an illusion, like those other areas we saw. Sorry to burst your bubble like that, but—

**Sora:** No, you’re absolutely right, but now at least you know what it looks like. If we do get lost after this planet as a whole is asploaded, at least you know what to look out for if you go drifting off into space.

**Goofy:** Cool beans, I guess.

**Sora:** Huh, no one’s here. Figures, I guess. And of course I can’t get to the other half of the island, why would that be possible. There’s just one place we haven’t checked yet… *heads to the secret place*

**Brown coat guy:** This world has been tied in with the rest of the Disney movies and that one giant Final Fantasy meet-up place.

**Sora:** …I know that line of dialogue…

**Goofy:** I don’t, what’s going on and why are huge chunks of the island vanishing.

**Brown coat guy:** Tied to the darkness, soon to be completely eclipsed.

**Donald:** There’s a _Berserk_ reference in this section? Does that mean Skull Knight’s gonna save us at the last minute, ‘cause that’d be a _huge_ weight off our shoulders…

**Brown coat guy:** There is so very much to learn. So many Wikis to read to try to make sense of it all. You understand so little and will possibly never understand fully.

**Sora:** …Why is the ocean purple? And what’s with the sudden earthquake?

**Donald and Goofy:** Global warming?

**Brown coat guy:** A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing. In fact, I’m pretty sure hardly anyone will ever understand this bullshit.

**Sora:** Okay, that part was new. And the island is now half-purple and half-exploded, how nice. Way to traumatize me further by destroying my home once _again_ right in front of me.

**Rikusem:** At least the water’s blue again.

**Sora:** This is true—RIKU! Still in the dumbest outfit ever!

**Rikusem:** Oh come on, you know you love it!

**Sora:** I really don’t, but I don’t feel like arguing right now. *sprints toward him*

**Rikusem:** Take a look at this tiny place.

**Sora:** …That’s not even dual-voices anymore, much less Riku’s. You’ve possessed him completely, haven’t you.

**Rikusem:** To a heart that sought freedom, this island is a prison surrounded by water. As were the others that we’ll only ever get glimpses of. *raises arms* And so this boy planned — kinda crappily, I might add — to escape from this prison. He looked for a way to cross over into other dimensions and across planets. And so, he opened his heart to the darkness.

**Sora:** Are you talking about Riku or _you?_

**Rikusem:** Yes. I think. *turns around and becomes full-on Ansem…’s Heartless but we’re just gonna call him Ansem*

**Sora:** I don’t care how bishie you are, gimme back _my bishie!_

**Ansem:** No. And besides, your voice can no longer reach him where he is. His heart belongs, again, to the darkness! *ends with a flourish*

**Sora:** No, his _body_ went to the darkness, his heart’s still okay! Which brings up so many additional questions about how Heartless and Nobodies work but we’ll just ignore that for now!

**Ansem:** *ignoring him* All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it; it grows, consumes it. Such is its nature.

**Sora:** …Is that a play on how the womb is where life is created and it happens to be really dark until a child is actually born because there’s no light source in a uterus? And how as people grow up, they tend to grow more cynical and realistic, losing a great deal of that childlike outlook on the world as a little bit more of their innocence is stripped away each day? And are you also talking about how stars and planets form in the blackness of outer fucking _space?_

**Ansem:** I’m behind you now. In the end, every heart returns to the darkness whence it came.

**Sora:** A, how did you teleport, and B, I think you’re talking about death now. Which may be nothingness, may be returning to the earth or whatever, may be a bright white train station that leads you “on,” who even knows.

**Ansem:** Enough of your drivel! One day you will learn that darkness is the heart’s true essence! *hand forms not quite a fist and trembles as he pulls it down*

**Sora:** Is your hand okay?

**Ansem:** Still trying to get used to the new body.

**Sora:** Oh, okay. Also you’re wrong.

**Ansem:** Am I?

**Sora:** Yes. The heart may be weak. And sometimes, it may even give in. Which is when you get medicine for that if you live in a place with universal health care/pray your insurance will cover that shit. But there is always a source of inner strength that never fades, if one only knows where to look for it.

**Ansem:** I am now floating.

**Sora:** That’s…pretty badass, not gonna lie.

**Ansem:** I know, right? Still, it saddens me that you have come this far and you still understand nothing.

**Sora:** Oh I _understand,_ I just don’t agree. I think we both just had very different experiences along our individual journeys and have come to vastly different conclusions based on them. You refuse to see my point of view because even I admit that it’s cheesy as fuck, and I refuse to see your point of view because it hurts/kills people and you want to use it to end the entirety of existence.

**Ansem:** EVERY LIGHT MUST FADE. EVERY HEART MUST RETURN TO DARKNESS.

**Sora:** Are you one of the Dark Elves from Thor 2 who I’m sure get more development in the comics but in the movies seemingly just want to darken everything for the sheer fuck of it?

**Ansem:** *summons a mini-Darkside covered partially in bandages or something out of his ass to float around behind him and protect him and cast magic and shit*

**Sora:** Okay, we fighting now? I can fight you now. *fights him now*

**Ansem:** *after being defeated* I am floating away in defeat.

**Sora:** Wait, I’m not quite done with you yet! *shakes head* This Ansem guy’s such a prick. I just wanna give him huggy boo boo bears, but he’s like “Noooooo” and shoots me, and I’m like, “Why, guy?”

**Goofy:** You’re the meanest of all dudes.

**Sora:** Why can’t you just give me huggy boo boo bears. Oh crap, another part of the island’s disintegrating. I’m _really_ not enjoying watching this a second time, you guys.

**Ansem:** *is hovering over what is clearly a new battle arena*

**Donald:** Were those couple of giant trees always made with purple and gold stuff in the middle?

**Sora:** …I never really looked to see, if I’m honest…

**Goofy:** Why do they keep trying to make purple and gold the evil colors of evil, anyway? I know red and black are cliché but _purple and gold? Seriously?_

**Sora:** No idea, but everyone chug on a Mega-Potion and Mega-Ether if you need to, we’re going in.

**Donald and Goofy:** Right behind you—DAMN YOU INVISIBLE WALLS!

**Sora:** Balls, looks like I’m fighting Ansem on my own, then.

**Ansem:** Who said anything about fighting me?

**Darkside:** Where did you even go during this fight?

**Ansem:** I…don’t really know.

**Sora:** Darkside? Really? Tell me it has more health, at least.

**Darkside:** I do.

**Sora:** Oh, good. *still kills it really fucking easily*

**Donald:** *watching from the sidelines* A fourteen-meter class that can be killed at the wrists?

**Goofy:** *also watching from the sidelines* Must be an abnormal.

**Sora:** Next.

**A shiny Ansem:** *appears* I WAS HOVERING ABOVE YOU THIS WHOLE TIME, I GUESS.

**Sora:** Oh, hey. Huh, you seem to’ve lost a whole health bar since I last beat your ass three minutes ago.

**Ansem:** Still increased in strength, though.

**Sora:** Uh-huh. *barely struggles to defeat him* Yay I defeated you.

**Donald and Goofy:** And we’re apparently back now.

**Sora:** And we’re…floating in a gray area apparently?

**Donald:** And we’re blurry?

**Sora:** Yeah, that’s weird.

**Ansem:** Behold! The endless abyss! It’s so terrifying it even blurred out the subtitles for a second there! Within it lies the heart of all worlds: KINGDOM HEARTS!

**Sora:** A floating white door on a tiny floating landmass with…three dolphin statues attached to it?

**Ansem:** OOOOH IT’S SO MYSTERIOUS! LOOK AS HARD AS YOU ARE ABLE! YOU’LL NOT FIND EVEN THE SMALLEST GLIMMER OF LIGHT!

**Sora:** Then what’s illuminating the bright white door? Or the surrounding gray fog? Or us? Or _you?_

**Ansem:** From those dark depths are all hearts born! Even yours!

**Sora:** …All hearts are born from those dark depths?

**Ansem:** That’s what I just said!

**Sora:** Then say it correctly, as you are by no means Yoda. Also I don’t really believe you _ **WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT.**_

**Ansem:** *is now an utterly indescribable monster from something out of either the Cthulhu mythos or the Berserk manga, pick one, they’re both fucked up as shit, I love them dearly* DARKNESS WILL CONSUME EVERYTHING.

**Goofy:** *looking at the long pink cylindrical front of the monstrosity that ends in a giant veiny head* Oh yeah, I’m sure this doesn’t symbolize anything at all.

**Donald:** …Oh I get it.

**Sora:** I don’t get it.

**Classic Final Fantasy-looking monster:** *is growling from behind Ansem* A guy who worked on several Final Fantasy games made this game, you know.

**Sora:** Aaaaand suddenly we’re not floating anymore.

**Donald and Goofy:** *get sucked into a portal and disappear*

**Sora:** *is still free-falling* Well this sucks. Am I basically falling into darkness again? ‘Cause this is actually a lot brighter than last time.

**Riku:** My subtitles are blurry!

**Sora:** …Is that actually you this time?

**Riku:** Sure is! And I can’t believe you’re giving up already, dude. I thought you were so much stronger than that. You’re level one hundred, for fuck’s sake! You beat _Sephiroth!_ Final boss or not, this is gonna be a cakewalk for you and you know it!

**Sora:** I suddenly remembered that I know how to fly. *flies upward, Keyblade in hand* Let’s do this.

**Ansem:** *is shirtless and is wearing tight leather black pants and what looks like a matching black codpiece. And people think fangirls are reading too much into things when they make nearly everyone flamboyantly gay. I mean, they probably are, but Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama is making it a little easy for them. Kun*

**Sora:** *flies right for him and starts slashing at him right in the chest*

**Ansem:** ALL SHALL BE EXTINGUISHED.

**Sora:** …Dude, I just straight-up murdered you.

**Ansem:** I know, but the fight isn’t over yet!

**Sora:** I’VE KILLED YOU LIKE THREE TIMES NOW. FUCKING SQUARE ENIX GAMES.

**Ansem:** *banishes his lance somewhere, crosses his arms over his stomach, and lies backward until he’s basically resting on the giant Final Fantasy boss’s lap*

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Portal:** *opens*

**Sora:** *automatically flies through it*

**Shitton of Shadow Heartless:** And how are we today?

**Sora:** Could be better. *slaughters them all*

**Floating white circle thing:** *appears*

**Sora:** …WELP, GOT NOTHIN’ BETTER TO DO. *bashes the fuck out of it*

**Portal:** *spits him back out until he’s floating above the…giant veiny pink head, there I said it again*

**Different portal:** *opens up in front of the sleeping Ansem*

**Giant Final Fantasy monster:** You’re not even gonna fight me, I’m just here to look menacing! How fucked up is that?!

**Different portal:** *is being guarded by a bunch of blue…penises, they’re fucking blue penises that’re jutting out of the monster’s structure, that’s what they are, don’t pretend they’re anything but what they are, they’re motherfucking blue penises that shoot splooge at you when you try to fly over them*

**Sora:** …This is so fucked up. *kills them all because ick*

**Different portal:** *opens wider so Sora can fit himself in. Everything I’m typing today is just wrong*

**Sora:** Glad that’s over with—

**Goofy:** Hey, Sora! Help me fight all these Dark Balls!

**Sora:** …Good to see you too, Goofy… *tries not to vomit as he kills even more of everything*

**Goofy:** Why am I trapped in this nightmare-ish, nonsensical hellscape?

**Sora:** Eh, it’s best not to think about it.

**Yellow ball of light:** *shows up*

**Sora:** Goofy, help me kill this, it’ll get us out of here!

**Goofy:** … *head tilt* Okay…? *helps anyway, they escape…so they can fight the pink veiny head at the end of the long shaft jutting in front of the rest of everything*

**Goofy:** …How much Berserk did these guys read.

**Sora:** Or how many Alien movies did they see.

**Goofy:** This _is_ kind of reminiscent of H.R. Giger, isn’t it.

**Sora:** Everything’s dicks, everything’s fun. *beats it…hits…KILLS IT to death so he won’t have to fucking _look_ at this shit anymore, Christ*

**A third portal:** *opens up inside the penis head’s mouth*

**Sora:** …Why me. *flies in*

**Donald:** Why’s it dark? Oh, ‘cause it’s dark.

**Sora:** I’m so glad we have to save you.

**Donald:** Fucking evil Heartless everywhere, where even are we right now?!

**Goofy:** Just…Just don’t ask, dude.

**Donald:** Why not? I think I have a right to know—

**Sora:** We’re inside a giant penis.

**Donald:** …And you thought this would weird me out? Have you _seen_ my penis?

**Sora:** YESIHAVEANDIWISHTOSTOPDISCUSSINGTHISANYLONGERCANWEDOTHATOKAY.

**Donald:** You’re far too sensitive about these kinds of things, you know.

**Sora:** Just shut up and kill that orange ball floating in the darkness.

**Donald:** Done and done!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *fly out of the giant penis’s mouth*

**Giant penis:** *explodes*

**Sora:** Well we at least did one thing right today.

**Invisible wall covering a different area of the thing:** *disappears*

**Goofy:** So now we have to kill everything on that thing?

**Sora:** Looks like.

**Donald:** …Okay, I take it back, these weird little blue dicks are grossing me the fuck out.

**What looks like an actual, physical heart for once:** *has a little frowny-face on it*

**Sora:** *gets rid of all the blue penises so he can concentrate on the heart until its health is depleted*

**Ansem:** You crushing this…world’s?…heart has caused me to wake up and re-summon my double-bladed Lance of Awesome.

**Sora:** Hey man!

**Goofy:** Can I touch your man-boobs?

**Donald:** They’re really pretty…

**Sora:** ENOUGH WITH THE FLOATING LASERS, JUST LET ME KILL YOU SO I CAN BE DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT. *beats up Ansem again with the help of his friends, BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL*

**All the shit Ansem’s connected to:** *blows the fuck up*

**Ansem:** *explodes into _light. Friggin’ LIGHT_ *

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *float around and enjoy the show*

**Ansem:** How did I get my jacket back. Bah, it matters not. *writhes momentarily before floating between them and the doorway to…Kingdom Hearts? I guess? while clutching his arm* All this was pointless. A single Keyblade alone cannot seal the door to darkness. You’d have to have a convenient second person with a polar opposite Keyblade on the other side of the door to have even a ghost of a chance. *turns to the door* KINGDOM HEARTS! FILL ME WITH THE POWER OF DARKNESS! I SWEAR I WILL BUY EVERY GAMING PLATFORM THAT’S NECESSARY TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR CONVOLUTED UNIVERSE!

**Sora:** Why does your hand keep twitching like that, dude? Did you overwork it while fighting me or is it a symptom of something else? *slaps his forehead* Is that what this is all about?! You’re sick so you’re taking everything else in the universe down with you?!

**White door:** *opens, revealing black smoke curling out of it*

**Ansem:** SUPREME DARKNESS! Seriously, scientists have recently discovered an even darker shade of black that doesn’t reflect light at all, it’s probably that.

**Sora:** I don’t think so. I know now, without a doubt, that all but 3D and the soon-to-be released III have been ported to the PS3! KINGDOM HEARTS IS LIGHT INCARNATE!

**Door:** What he said. *emits a blinding white light right in Ansem’s face*

**Ansem:** AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! *throws up his arms* IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES! *lowers arms in confusion* …But why, though.

**Sora:** Iunno.

**Ansem:** Huh. *is holding his arms out as he dissolves into light*

**Film Brain:** SYMBOLISM!@#$%!

**Sora:** Okay, now that all that light came out of the door, I’m pretty sure the rest of it’s pure darkness, so we should probably try to close the door or something.

**Donald and Goofy:** On it! *help Sora try to close the double doors*

**Goofy:** *peaks through* Oh great, more phallic imagery.

**Donald:** What’re you talking about—Are those Heartless coming out of those stone dildos?

**Goofy:** Looks like.

**Donald:** We should probably get a move on, then.

**Goofy:** Indeedy.

**Sora:** This door’s so heavy, I don’t think I can…

**Riku:** Don’t give up! *reaches out and starts pulling the door closed from the inside*

**Sora:** RIKU!

**Riku:** No time for catching up now, we have to close this thing! If we work together, we got this!

**Sora:** Get out here and help me push!

**Riku:** I’d have to open it more and we’d have to start over again! There’s no time, there are like two or three Darksides behind me, we gotta go fast!

**Sora:** …Okay, got it! *pushes while Riku pulls*

**Two different Darksides:** Ve are here to pump *clap hands* you up!

**Donald:** This is still too slow! We’ll never make it! Ever make it! Never make it! Ever make it! Never make it! Ever make it! Never make it! Don’t you see, we can’t make it!

**Both Darksides:** Und now ve are dead. *zey are dead*

**Goofy:** …No way…

**Donald:** You’re kidding me…

**King Mickey:** HOW BATMAN WAS THAT! *is emitting a shimmering golden glow*

**Donald and Goofy:** WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN, YOUR MAJESTY?!

**King Mickey:** Never mind that, look at my sick-ass Keyblade! Mine’s gold with a gold Keychain and a silver hand guard, while Sora’s is silver with a silver Keychain and a gold hand guard! They’re polar opposites! Geddit? Do ya geddit?!

**Sora:** What’s your point, Your Majesty?

**King Mickey:** That you can close it from that side and I can close it from this side!

**Sora:** Oh, that’s cool—

**King Mickey:** Permanently!

**Donald:** Please do it, he treats me worse than _you._

**Sora:** But Riku, though!

**King Mickey:** Don’t worry. There will always be a door to the light, which means there will always be a way for us to come through! As well as the various forces of darkness!

**Sora:** …How is that a good thing.

**King Mickey:** Sequel fodder, of course!

**Goofy:** And probably a crapton of them, too! Believe in King Mickey, Sora! Believe in the King that believes in you!

**Riku:** Seriously, we need to get a move on, even more Heartless are coming! Offscreen and they’re not actually coming. J-Just take my word on this.

**King Mickey:** *stops shining and turns around so we can actually fucking see him* Donald, Goofy, please don’t ask why I’m only in my red shorts and never dress like this again in any other game.

**Donald and Goofy:** Okay, we won’t. *shoves on their door*

**Sora:** *shoves on his door*

**Riku:** Sora? Take care of her. Make _her_ your priority, not me, okay?

**Sora:** Save you and take you home so all three of us can be together again, got it.

**Riku:** Wait that’s not what I—

**Door:** *closes in his face*

**Sora:** *raises Keyblade up; it shines with starlight I guess, there were star-like shapes of light surrounding it for a second there*

**King Mickey:** *mimics Sora on the other side*

**Door:** *glows with bright golden light and blue sparkle power*

**Nostalgia Critic:** FUCK YEAH, SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE!

**Door:** *turns blue and vanishes*

**Sora:** *starts to have a sepia-tone flashback montage of him and Riku together both as baby kids and as teenagers. Was, uh, was this in the vanilla version, I forget completely. It is adorable, though* I sense something, a presence I have not felt since… *turns around*

**Kairi:** *is randomly there* Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what’s going on here…

**Sora:** *immediately runs toward her*

**Donald:** Wait, you’re supposed to come with us!

**Goofy:** *puts his hand on Donald’s shoulder, stopping them* He’s going to, of course, just give him a moment.

**Donald:** Fair enough…Wait, why is this light engulfing us?

**Goofy:** I don’t know.

**Sora:** *is still running toward Kairi*

**Kairi:** Where did this sand and water come from and why do our graphics suddenly look way better.

**Sora:** Kairi! The island seems to be quite literally forming around you!

**Kairi:** Sora! You managed to do the thing!

**Sora:** Looks like!

**Ground that the door to darkness was located on:** *breaks away from the rapidly forming Destiny Island*

**Kairi:** Wouldn’t it suck if I fell into the abyss just now?

**Sora:** You’d probably just be in the ocean or something. *grabs her arm to prevent her from falling anyway* Kairi, remember what you said before?

**Kairi:** That you would always be in my heart?

**Sora:** Yeah!

**Kairi:** You’re about to say something really romantic now, aren’t you?

**Sora:** No matter where you go, there you are.

**Kairi:** Aww — Wait, the _fuck—_

**Sora:** I’ll be back at the end of KHII, for like two seconds, and then I’ll immediately leave you again for 3D! I promise!

**Kairi:** YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

**Their hands:** *break away*

**Simple and Clean:** *starts playing*

**Sora:** Aww, I love this song, I don’t even care.

**Kairi:** …I love this song too, Sora…What’s this?

**Little yellow ball of light:** *falls into Kairi’s hand*

**Kairi:** *looks up to see millions of little yellow balls of light falling around her like snow*

**Sora:** *looks at the snowing light as well* …Well this is beautiful.

**Kairi:** It is, isn’t it—WHOA the island is apparently forming around me. *giggles* If you look past that newly reconstructed palm tree—

**Sora:** Oh shut up. *smiles good-naturedly*

**Kairi:** Wow, even the waves are back!

**Sora:** I AM SHOUTING SOMETHING AT YOU!

**Kairi:** WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER UTADA HIKARU-SAMA-SENSEI-SENPAI-SAN-SAMA!

**Sora:** WHAT?

**Kairi:** KUN!

**Sora:** I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I’VE FADED INTO THE LIGHT!

**Kairi:** This is the weirdest, bluest sunset I ever did see. And now I am sad.

**Sora:** …Did what’s left of this light explode into pyreflies?

**Kairi:** Looks like. But they’re all flying upwards and turning into stars.

**Sora:** Oh sick, that implies that all the other worlds have reformed as well!

**Kairi:** Oh cool, that is good news! *smiles sadly* You really did it, Sora.

**Sora:** That’s nice. I’m not here anymore.

**Kairi:** This is sad. At least the sun’s shining again five seconds later. Unless this is implying that it’s a different day and I’ve come back to this island to avoid Sora and Riku’s parents asking me for the umpteenth time where the balls their children are. I have to go deeper, though. *heads to the secret place* There’s that dumb door again. Hmm…The last time I was here, the planet was exploding and I fell smack into Sora’s heart where I stayed and basically stalked him for days. And now it’s all nice and sunny and peaceful, that’s lovely. *puts her hand on one of the rocks* These drawings really are terrible, now that I think about it. How did Sora even reach up that high, did he stand on Riku’s shoulders or something? Did they drag in a barrel one time and balance on it? Did…Did Sora recently add this?

**Carving of Sora:** *is giving a carving of paupu to a carving of Kairi*

**Imaginary Sora:** Why yes, I _did_ like you that way! *smiles and fades into the light*

**Kairi:** *starts crying happily* Oh Sora, it’s implied that I liked you that way too! *carves herself giving Sora some paupu as well*

**Credits:** *start playing*

**Tetsuya Nomura:** LOOK AT THIS GORGEOUS SHIT I’M DOING. YEAH! YEAH, YOU LOVE IT!

**Player:** …Yeah, we love it. *grins happily*

**Montage pictures:** Hey, remember when this happened? How ‘bout that? This was a thing as well, remember it? It totally happened!

**Simple and Clean:** *fades out to an image of Sora and Kairi on the dock in front of that sunset that one time. MY GOD ARE THEY MOTHER-LICKING ADORABLE*

**Fo realz credits:** *start playing*

**Where Are They Now Montage:** *also starts playing*

**Chip and Dale:** YO CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

**Queen Minnie and Daisy:** What up?

**Huey, Dewie, and Louie:** APPARENTLY WE DID TELEPORT BACK HERE how the fuck did we get to Hollow Bastion. Also why didn’t we age over the year we weren’t seen.

**Queen Minnie:** …Why are those broomsticks chasing them?

**Daisy:** I don’t know, but I say we grab some popcorn before the slaughter begins.

**Queen Minnie:** You read my mind!

**Squall:** I _told_ you, call me Leon!

**Yuffie:** You’re going to have to accept that that’s just not going to happen!

**Aerith:** Did someone just come into the library behind us? *turns around*

**Cid:** Look what the lack of Heartless and the teleporting people back to their proper worlds dragged in!

**Aerith:** Say, I feel like talking. Do you feel up to it? After all, here we are meeting again, right?

**Cloud:** …I don’t mind.

**Pinocchio:** I AM SUDDENLY A REAL BOY! FOR NO RAISIN!

**Geppetto:** WORKS FOR ME—Wait, are we still in Traverse Town? WHY AREN’T WE HOME?!

**Jasmine:** I got teleported home, too, apparently!

**Aladdin:** *singing* _A whole new world…_

**Jasmine:** *also singing* _A whole new life…_

**Aladdin and Jasmine:** _For you and meeeee!_ *and then they made out*

**Genie:** DON’T WATCH, ABU! *sneaks a peak* Made you look!

**Wakka, Tidus, and Selphie:** *are all running on the beach* BET YOU WERE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT US, AMIRITE? I SAID AMIRITE? Hello…? Anyone…?

**Belle, Aurora, Snow, Cinderella, and Alice:** …I _guess_ we’re home safely? It’s kind of unclear, actually…

**Credits:** *show off the voice cast*

**Player:** …Sean Astin was in this? *checks IMDB*

**IMDB jingle:** *plays* _What you do instead of things!_

**Player:** WAIT, HE WAS _HERCULES?!_ _**HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I’M SO SORRY I EVER MADE FUN OF HIM EVEN THOUGH HE WAS SUPER TERRIBLE!**_

**Credits:** *play out to completion*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** And now we’re on some random path somewhere. Fascinating.

**Sora:** Trees’re nice, though. And the grass. And I’m digging that blue sky, this actually feels more open and bigger than anywhere else we’ve been.

**Donald:** Sure, but what do we do now? And where and how did Goofy and I get different outfits?

**Goofy:** …What world are we even on right now, is this leading up to what used to be the Land of Departure or what.

**Sora:** We’ll figure that out later, right now we have to spend like two-and-a-half games searching for Riku and King Mickey.

**Goofy:** But where are we supposed to find that door to the light the King was talking about? Or rather the door to darkness since that’s where they actually are right now?

**Sora:** Fucked if I know. Huh? Hweh!

**Donald:** …The fuck kind of noise was that?

**Sora:** I don’t know, but look! He kinda looks like he’d be from your world! I met him once when I first woke up in Traverse Town, but then he fucked off.

**Pluto:** How long have I been carrying this and is this where I’ve been this whole time, what even is my purpose in these games…

**Donald:** No fucking way…

**Goofy:** Yo, Pluto! Where’ve you been this whole time, and how did we not see you until now, this is kind of a huge field and there are no trees immediately in the vicinity.

**Sora:** Look at what he’s got in his mouth!

**Donald:** …It’s an envelope.

**Goofy:** With the King’s seal on it!

**Sora:** Hey! Have _you_ seen King Mickey?

**Pluto:** *runs off*

**Sora:** …Why didn’t he answer?

**Goofy:** Don’t be silly, dogs can’t talk!

**Sora and Donald:** *stare blatantly at Goofy*

**Goofy:** What?

**Sora:** …Let’s just follow him.

**Donald:** Good idea…

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Pluto:** *run after each other down that lonely, winding road at midday for probably thirty seconds longer than necessary*

**King Mickey:** Hey look, my subtitles are silently floating again. Anyway, remember, Sora. You are the one who will open the door to the light.

**Sora:** …Guys, I think I’m hearing the voices again.

**Donald and Goofy:** Huh boy.

~And Pluto was never seen again in the following game even though they were directly following him the whole time.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**To be continued. Next week. In Chain of Memories. Because yes I am doing the whole series mostly ish.** _

**Author's Note:**

> Updates are theoretically going to be every Tuesday unless the internet or the site crap out, get hype.
> 
> __  
> **Review or you'll be sucked into a black and purple abyss of death the next time you stand on a stain glass floor depicting a Disney princess. Which I imagine happens often.**  
> 


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